GETTING MORE TALE #607: Every Picture Tells a Story
If you’re like me, you probably look at childhood photos and are immediately flooded with a million memories. Music, pictures and memories…they all go together don’t they? One triggers another and all three merge together in your grey matter. With that in mind, put on something nostalgic and join me with some short stories about some old pictures. If you can’t think of something to listen to, here’s Bryan Adams doing “Summer of ’69”!
I can tell by my hair that this picture is winter of 1989-1990. On the far left, you’ll notice my Darth Vader lamp, hand made by my mom a long time ago (though not very far away). Darth is priceless to me, and I still have him on that very same dresser today. Next to Darth, I notice that I didn’t think to remove the Speed Stick before taking a photo.
That was my first guitar. I just had to have a whammy bar. That thing would simply not stay in tune. In the 80s, you had to have a whammy bar, although Slash was slowly causing them to go out of fashion. My mom found a guitar teacher, a really nice guy named Gary Mertz. He was teaching my sister, myself and my best friend Bob all in one shot. He came to the house, and did 30 minute lesson with my sister on keyboards first. Then 30 minutes with me and 30 with Bob on guitar. I just wasn’t any good at it. I just don’t have the coordination. How my sister got to be such a great musician, I really couldn’t tell you. I got the shitty genes.
A year and a half later, and look at that hair. Sleek?
Second guitar. A flying V I bought off a guy from work. He was a huge Eddie Van Halen fan, and he customised the V with different pickups to try to emulate Eddie’s brown sound. I still had to have a whammy bar. Constantly diving for it made it sound like I was playing something other than random notes. I was pretty useless on guitar.
A little older now, this is about 1993 and that’s my first beard! Zeppelin and the USS Enterprise (NCC-1701 D) on the same walls as before. The Enterprise and the Kiss sketch I’m holding were both birthday gifts from my buddy Peter. I still have that Kiss sketch on my wall right behind where I work at LeBrain HQ.
Check out this model kit I build. That’s a Klingon Bird of Prey, a Romulan Warbird and a Ferengi ship. I bought it for the Warbird, truly a beautiful ship design. If you look close enough, you can see where I painted in little yellow windows on the forward section, just like the show. I did the same on the Ferengi craft, which actually turned out the best of the three.
And finally, I don’t know what compelled me to take pictures of all my stuff. Here it is, and all laid out specifically just so. Why? Couldn’t tell you. But there’s some cool stuff there!
With the exception of the cassette tapes, I still own most of this stuff. Some CDs have been replaced by expanded editions. The vinyl didn’t go anywhere though, and I definitely hung on to those Star Trek figures.
My collections for each of these bands has expanded so much that I couldn’t fit them all into a single photo anymore. It’s funny to look back and think, “Wow, that’s all I had!?”
19 years ago, Deep Purple released their final studio album with Jon Lord. We didn’t know that at the time of course. Jon’s departure happened a few years later, when touring wore him down. He capped it off properly with a Purple tour of live performances of the Concerto for Group and Orchestra. However, there is always a certain sense of…incompletion. Lord’s last studio album wasn’t the kind you want to go out on.
Purple had a huge comeback with the masterpiece Purpendicular in 1996. It was a beautiful, quirky and intelligent record. Its followup Abandon was an effort to “get heavy”, but with hindsight even the band admitted it missed the mark. Sure, it was heavier with more riffs, but Steve Morse isn’t particularly a riffy player. Abandon lacked the feeling, and the level of songwriting was not there.
Lead track “Any Fule Kno That” works on a heavy groove, and it’s one of the songs that does click. There are two particularly memorable songs on Abandon: “Any Fule Kno That” and the laid back “Fingers to the Bone”. “Fingers” is based on a celtic Steve Morse guitar lick, with a passionate Ian Gillan vocal on top. Almost up there with them is “Seventh Heaven”, which could be the heaviest Purple song ever. Paicey’s drums are relentless. You can also count “Bludsucker” among the best material, but it’s a re-recording of “Bloodsucker” from In Rock. Unfortunately this serves to underline how many years have passed, in regards to the vocal cords of Mr. Gillan.
All the other tunes have something to them of interest, but just not enough. “Almost Human” for example has a nice shuffle beat. “’69” has cool lyrics and a hell of a tempo. There is a killer slow blues called “Don’t Make Me Happy” that just needs a better chorus. The magic sauce just isn’t there. Few of these songs were played live, and when they were, they tended to have more life than the album.
One must wonder, if the lacklustre Abandon is the reason Deep Purple haven’t self produced an album since. Every record since then was either produced with Michael Bradford or Bob Ezrin. Every record since has been better overall. Something about Abandon just doesn’t hit the bar. Maybe it’s the oddly obtrusive double-tracked vocals. Whatever the cause, it’s hard to recommend Abandon when there are so many awesome Purple albums to enjoy ahead of it.
DEATH BY TECHNOLOGY – A Temporary Solution To a Permanent Problem (independent)
Most reviewers would acknowledge that one of our least favourite tasks is reviewing a friend’s music. You don’t feel as foot loose and fancy free with your words. When a friend asks for you to review their latest album, that’s hard. Harder still is when a friend would prefer that you don’t review their music!
Such is the case with Death By Technology. I think my friend Aaron Lebold would prefer that his one and only musical release was not revived by me, but this is a problem. My goal, in part, is to review every single album in this collection, and here it is. It has to be done for the sake of this project.
Before I knew it, Aaron came in to my store one day with copies of his CD, A Temporary Solution To a Permanent Problem, under the pseudonym Death by Technology. I put it out for sale with a sticker on it saying “Local Industrial Music Prodigy”, hoping someone would bite. A lot of people listened to it, but selling a copy was hard.
So here’s the truth. It’s a noble effort. The beats and riffs are decent enough. There are weird and creepy movie and TV samples. You can hear what he’s trying to do. I think what would have helped, is if he gave his old buddy Mike a call to sing the lead vocals. Aaron and I never quite saw eye to eye on lead vocals. I go for high pitched screams, he liked a more contemporary rap/rock hybrid. The biggest flaw with this CD is that I’m not on it.
But it can’t be that bad. After all, I remember every tune. This CD is 16 minutes long, and therefore it was perfect for closing time at the Record Store. An old employee named Chris used to put it on at quarter to nine when closing. It was like a tradition!
Van Halen had some of the best videos of the 80s, bar none. After David Lee Roth, the visionary behind the videos, left the band, they refused to film any new clips for their first six singles with Sammy Hagar! They didn’t want the comparisons. Instead they released live versions of singles as videos. They finally filmed an actual studio video for the ballad “When It’s Love” in late 1988.
It seems Van Halen still can’t reconcile all the different singers from the past. That is obvious by the omissions from this disc. Go ahead and list the missing videos:
The excellently corny “Oh Pretty Woman”. “You Really Got Me”, the timeless Kinks cover. The live videos for “Unchained” and “So This Is Love”. All the live video clips are missing, even Sammy’s debut in “Why Can’t This Be Love”. As is Gary Cherone’s “Fire In The Hole”. “Feels So Good”, “Top of the World”, “Amsterdam”…all missing.
At least they included one Cherone video (“Without You”), but then again, he was the band’s current singer when this was released in 1998. It would have been weird if he wasn’t on it. He hasn’t made an appearance or even been mentioned on any Van Halen releases since.
For Van Halen to refuse to release those videos on DVD just indicates they’re scared of their own shadows. You can’t bury your past, you may as well celebrate it.
GETTING MORE TALE #606: Why Roger Smith is the Greatest Character on Television
Roger Smith from American Dad is an alien. He’s grey, squat, with a big bulbous head and no visible nose. He thinks he looks like Lena Dunham. “It’s nice to see someone with my exact body type succeed.” But he has several amazing abilities that allow him to blend in with modern society. Some of these abilities are musical. If you want to know how an alien can impact the world we live in, even musically, then check out some of Roger’s amazing traits and accomplishments below.
Parker Peters
1.Master of Disguise
Roger can disguise himself as anyone. Even his own family can’t recognise him in certain outfits. A wig and some clothes are all that’s necessary. In disguise as Kevin Bacon, he even successfully framed the actor for a car accident when the real Bacon was 2000 miles away. “I didn’t think I did it,” said the real Kevin, “but it’s clearly me on the tape!”
Some of Roger’s most incredible disguises include “alien hunter” Parker Peters, and his mentally handicapped bodybuilder persona, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Max Jets
2.Incredible Speed
Using his ability to move really fast when he wants to, Roger can appear to be in multiple places simultaneously. This has allowed him to live multiple lives under different personas. As wedding planner Jeanie Gold, he raised a family. As Roslyn Jenkins, he has been married for eight years to business mogul Ax Jenkins, in a long running plot to trick Ax into breaking his pre-nup agreement. It is revealed that even though he lives “full time” with the Smith family, he also seemingly lives with dozens of other families all at the same time. Meanwhile, his old man millionaire persona Max Jets languishes away in jail. Roger’s ability to manage these multiple lives simultaneously is unparalleled in television.
Kripsy Kreme McDonalds
3.Musical Ability
Roger is also drummer Krispy Kream McDonalds, percussionist for Steve and the Ass-Tones. Because he has no bones, his drumming ability is unparalleled. That’s not all. As hipster guitar player Donald, he acquired his great skill due to a deal with a devil. When he makes a bet with another guitarist, the stakes being “the cost of his lessons”, Donald wins and passes the soul debt on to the loser. He is also known as country singer Cuss Mustard, and even seduced Ricky Martin and stole his shirt.
Roger can be heard singing a number of original songs on the show. His best include “The Confi-dance” and “You’ve Got a Kink”. Roger is naturally drawn to artists such as Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion. In order to watch the Barbra Does Celine pay-per-view TV special, Roger disguises himself as a Viet Cong and kidnaps Stan in a makeshift POW camp, all for the pay-per-view password.
Roger even “invented” Disco music. In a time travel snafu, Stan Smith left a Best of Disco cassette in the 1970s. The tape is found by Roger, who strikes it mega-rich, until Disco is declared dead in 1981.
The Prophecy
4.He is Somehow Connected to the End of Days
Early in season one, Roger reveals he can poop out jewel-encrusted golden turds. As the series unfolds, one of his turds inspires great evil and murderous cover-ups over the years, moving all the way up to the White House. In the season 14 opener, it is revealed that Pope Francis and all the world’s religious leaders are aware of a secret prophecy involving the discovery of the golden turd. Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics show that the only way to destroy the golden turd is to return it to its source – Roger’s anus.
Chex LeMeneux
5.He Impacted History in Remarkable and Unexpected Ways
Roger the Alien is responsible for many historical events that you didn’t know about. Yes, he “invented” Disco. How about Jar Jar Binks? Also invented by Roger. The killing of the Notorious B.I.G.? Caused by his driver Roger aka MC Raw G, when he went all road-rage on another vehicle. “No one cuts off Biggie Smalls!” Whoops. He also got a sober George W. Bush back on the booze, and helped the US hockey team win the gold in the 1980 “Miracle on Ice”. He did this on steroids as his hockey player persona, Chex LeMeneux.
As if all this wasn’t enough, he can fart toxic gas! Just feed him okra. He is fireproof and can float. Stan Smith used him as a floatation device when stranded on a desert island.
If these reasons are not enough to convince you that Roger Smith is the greatest television character of the modern era, then nothing will. My advice is to just watch American Dad and see for yourself.
MAX WEBSTER – The Party (2017 Anthem 8 CD box set)
Normally when we review box sets like this, we prefer to review each album individually. Three of the eight discs have already been covered here: Max Webster (their debut), High Class in Borrowed Shoes, and Universal Juveniles (their final album). The rest of the Max Webster albums will be reviewed in due time, so for now we will take a general look at their brand new CD box set, The Party.
The Max Webster catalogue (and to a lesser extent, the solo Kim Mitchell discography) has been well overdue for a remastering. The original Anthem CDs are thin and tinny. Rock Candy did a fantastic remaster of the first three albums with better sound and a generous booklet, but what about the rest? I first heard about this project via Uncle Meat this past summer at Sausagefest. It was one of those “know a guy who knows a guy” stories, but the bottom line was, Max Webster’s catalogue was being remastered. And now we have The Party in hand as proof!
The contents include all five original Max studio albums, their concert opus Live Magnetic Air, Kim Mitchell’s very rare solo EP, and a bonus disc of rarities called The Bootleg. Those who buy the forthcoming vinyl version will also receive a booklet with rare photos and other goodies. The CD version has no booklet, but it does have nice gatefold packaging for each album. It’s affordably priced, so we forgive the lack of a booklet on the CD edition. Vinyl owners can look at it as a bonus for buying vinyl.
If improved audio is what you are longing for, then you should be very satisfied with The Party. It’s not overdriven, but it sounds fuller and deep. They didn’t go for loudness. This is all very good. You can safely ditch your old CD versions, rendered obsolete by this box.
The Bootleg will be the main draw for many. It does not disappoint. In fact, it intrigues, because it teases that there is more. Unreleased demos are listed as “Contraband” — reports suggest this refers to a collection of unreleased material still in the vault.
Max Webster apparently recorded their 2007 reunion show, or at least “Let Go the Line”. It sounds brilliant and makes you pray for a live album of the show. Terry Watkinson’s classic ballad sounds a little older, a little wiser, but just as brilliant as ever. Other live stuff from 1979 was recorded in Oshawa. “Oh War” simply smokes, and was not included on Live Magnetic Air. Then there’s the crazy jam centred on “Research (At Beach Resorts)”. These insane live sessions really show why Max Webster is held in such high esteem, almost like a second coming of Frank Zappa himself.
The unreleased demos include some songs that didn’t make Max’s albums. Fans know “Deep Dive” from Kim Mitchell’s solo live album, I Am A Wild Party. Max’s original 1982 demo is completely different. Same melody, same words, but a vastly different arrangement. It’s like rock and roll bluegrass, fast as possible, and insanely good. It was likely deemed too different to be on the Universal Juveniles LP, but there’s no doubt it’s awesome and the highlight of this box set.
Another standouts from the batch of demos is a version of “Battle Scar” without Rush; just Max! It’s a revelation; an interesting work in progress. There are also two songs you’ve never heard before, “Walden 5” and “Better”, both from 1979. Let’s just say that the quality of these unreleased Max songs is album level. “Walden 5” just needed some editing. A demo version of “In the World of Giants” from 1979 has way more guitar soloing. Kim fans will love it! Oh — and stay tuned for a surprise unlisted bonus track.
The box itself is just a cardboard sleeve, but at least an attractively packaged one. Yes, a booklet would have been appreciated. In lieu of that, we recommend Martin Popoff’s brilliantly detailed book Live Magnetic Air: The Unlikely Saga of the Superlative Max Webster to accompany this otherwise perfect set.
Oh, one last thing: The two “new” songs that were included on the hits compilation Diamonds Diamonds are not in this box set. So, to be a completist, you’d still need to track that one down. Vinyl is recommended; and then you’d own “Hot Spots” and “Overnight Sensation” to complete the picture. Just a word to the wise.
“A lot of bands mature, which means they get square; they start delivering messages. Hey, you got a message, use Western Union.”– David Lee Roth
When David Lee Roth made that legendary statement, he was talking about rock and roll bands who take things too seriously. Might as well jump? This is course is a matter of taste. I enjoy Van Halen and ZZ Top, but I also enjoy the more cerebral works of Marillion and Dream Theater. In music there truly is room for all tastes and styles. Few genres are as diverse as rock and roll, even lyrically. If a writer is a strong enough to embed personal messages in their words that might go undetected by the listener, then this kind of lyric should be celebrated. On the other hand, fans are sometimes turned off when the messages are too overt. U2 have faced some backlash over this.
So, rock bands: by all means, feel free to tell us all about climate change, globalism, big pharma and Wall Street. If you do it well, the fans won’t mind. On the other hand, there is no shame in rock and rolling all nite and partying every day. As Paul Stanley once said in one of his many stage raps, “We all came here tonight to escape from the world! Tomorrow morning when we get up it’ll be just as screwed up as it is today. We might as well have a little fun!” And that is certainly one very valid reason to rock.
Even here, in these very virtual pages, I’ve taken a few liberties where I’ve veered slightly off course. I’ve preached a little bit about the plight of the Indigenous Canadian. Other tangents included mental health, stigma, religion, tolerance, and even the rights of service dog owners, with music as the common thread. I hope I haven’t offended anyone with these fairly benign notions. I try to be careful. As a writer, I founded myself with two projects: my reviews, and Record Store Tales. Most of you got here because of the music, and so that’s what I deliver. I don’t need to bore you with social justice or environmental ideals. I don’t want to bore myself, either.
Speaking of Record Store Tales, one of its many focuses was to relay lessons I learned from a decade of retail management. Any time I walk into any record store, I could make mental lists of things they are doing great and others for Continual Improvement. That goes for a lot of retail in general too. Back to the subject at hand…and this should be patently obvious to most sensible people…leave your personal politics out of your customer service job.
Mrs. LeBrain and I were up at the cottage a couple years ago, and we stopped at Shoppers Drug Mart to pick up some bathroom essentials and some candy. There was only one cashier on duty and she was a chatty one. There was a problem with the person in front of us; something wasn’t scanning right. It took forever to fix, and this cashier would not stop talking. I had a feeling we’d be in for some chatting when she finally got to us.
I was right, and it didn’t start well with a “How are you today darlin’?” Fine…thanks. “Would you like a bag for this?” I glanced at Mrs. LeBrain who nodded yes and said, “Yeah a couple bags.” Her response threw me for a loop.
“Well have you seen the landfill?” she asked me in a condescending tone.
“Ummm…no?” I answered, very puzzled.
“Well,” she began, “There’s no room left in the landfill and the birds are choking on plastic from garbage bags…”
I politely let her finish, and then explained, “OK, but we have dogs here at the cottage, and these bags will be used for them.” There were in fact three poop factories (Schnauzers) at the cottage that weekend.* Stoop and scoop, people. Stoop and scoop.
It’s none of her business why I wanted those bags, I didn’t need to explain myself and I certainly didn’t need to be lectured about reusing and recycling. I went through highschool at the start of the green revolution. I do my best to be a responsible inhabitant of Mother Earth. Rest assured, I am not some littering jackass who doesn’t give a shit. Sometimes you just need a couple plastic bags, goddammit!
I thought about being “that customer” and complaining about the talky cashier, but decided to live and let live, and instead save it for this story. Consider my wisdom, young padawans. You don’t know your customers as well as you think you might. Say too much, and you just might lose your customer, or find them complaining about you to your boss, as happened to me once when I made a snarky comment about Radiohead!**
So ends today’s lesson, friends. Do you agree with this experience and advice?
* We asked Schnauzer expert John Hubner for a “message” about how awesome Schnauzers are. He sent us the following treatise:
Klaus. Dieter. Helmut. Otto.
No, these are not the names of former members of Kraftwerk. Nor are they the names off the guest list to Angela Merkel’s surprise birthday party. Those four names are the miniature schnauzers that have had a profound effect on my life. “Miniature schnauzers? What?” Yes, those sometimes salt and pepper, sometimes gray, sometimes black, and occasionally blonde yippy terriers that bark bloody murder at you every time you pass by their house(the bark is usually followed up with a crazed “KNOCK IT OFF!” from the same house.) Those dogs with the short stature, manly beard, and a nub for a tail. They have personality for miles and loyalty till the end. They’re the go-to pooch for old ladies and your great aunt that doesn’t like men all that much.
How did I end up miniature schnauzer poster boy? I was a sick kid who suffered from allergies. When I asked my mom why we couldn’t get a Boxer she said it was because of my allergies. But not long after that a book on miniature schnauzers showed up at our house and I was told if we ever got a dog it would be a schnauzer. When I asked why my mom said “Well, schnauzers have hair like your dad’s hair, while a Boxer has hair like your uncle Chuck.” “We never see uncle Chuck” I said. “Exactly, because we’re allergic to him” my mom replied.
Regardless of that bizarre exchange, a miniature schnauzer ended up at our house when I was 8 years old and the rest is history. Growing up with a mini schnauzer I grew to love their loyalty but need for personal space. They weren’t goofy and sloppy like bigger breeds; but they weren’t standoffish like poodles and cats. What I came to realize is that miniature schnauzers are a lot like me. They can laugh and joke and rub elbows for awhile, but eventually they need to retreat from the crowds and the chit chat. Every mini schnauzer I’ve ever known mingle for a bit, then they say “See ya” and head for the comfort of their favorite spot on the couch. I love that about ’em. I respect that.
Miniature schnauzers are better than your dog. Sorry, it’s true. They’re like grumpy little people that don’t take crap from nobody and they’ve got an awesome beard to prove it. They’re loyal, temperamental, prone to anxiety, and do NOT like people knocking on the front door. They like to nap and will tell you what they want when you’re in the kitchen. They howl when left alone in the house and they keep the couch from floating away for a greater part of the day.
I think I’m part schnauzer.
** Freed of the shackles of the Record Store, I can say I like Radiohead enough to own a couple CDs, but still find them so very pretentious.
QUIET RIOT – Live at the US Festival (2012 Shout! CD/DVD set)
This was a long awaited release, since the US Festival was way back in 1983! The Holy Grail would be an official Van Halen release of their legendary performance, but I digress. There aren’t a lot of really great live Quiet Riot albums out there, with one called Extended Versions being the best package. Live at the US Festival is brief at just seven songs (plus a 4:38 guitar solo that also includes a sneak preview of a song called “Scream and Shout”). It does capture Quiet Riot at their peak, at a critical gig, and includes a DVD of the whole thing for the complete package. (Come on, Van Halen…)
Let’s have a look at the DVD first. The crowd is vast, the costumes ridiculous, but there’s some kind of fire in the air. The atmosphere is electric and the band are absolutely great visually, particularly Rudy Sarzo. DuBrow is the consummate glam frontman, and an underrated one at that. Have a giggle at the old style giant screens displaying the band logo.
The CD itself sounds good, no complaints there, and the recording sounds untampered (evidenced by a messy Carlos Cavazo guitar solo in “Cum On Feel the Noize”). Sarzo’s bass is mixed nice and audibly. It would have been better if more of a booklet was included, but it’s just a simple fold-out with no liner notes. This set is sparse and just over 40 minutes long. A lot of that time is taken up by talking. You get the big hits though, and the non-album track “Danger Zone”.
Live at the US Festival is a pretty easy Quiet Riot purchase to justify because of the included DVD.
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