THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA
Chapter Eighteen: Shinzon – Origins
ONE YEAR AGO…in hell…
Harrison, Tee Bone and Superdekes had defeated the Devil and were now signing his autograph book. Harrison, however, had some reservations.
“Wait a minute,” he asked. “How do I know I’m not signing my soul over to you?”
Satan laughed. “Look, I may be the Devil, but the rules of contracts are very specific. For me to take your soul via a signed contract, the contract must be clear and understood by all parties. You signed my autograph book, that’s all. Look, check out page three.” The Devil magically flipped to the correct page. “That’s Elvis…”
Relieved, Harrison smiled and signed the book gingerly. The Devil snapped his fingers and the three heroes began to fade.
“Bye guys…” waved Harrison to the other two. They both waved back as all three disappeared, leaving the Devil alone with his new treasures.
Moments later, the Devil snapped his long-nailed fingers again, and summoned an attendant.
“Did you get the DNA sample from the pen?” asked Satan.
“Yes, Great Satan. A good sampling of the Australian’s DNA has been captured. We are beginning the preservation process.”
“Good. Good. Not your soul, young Australian…just your genes! Our buyer will send payment as soon as we confirm the DNA is intact. And to think those hero fools now believe I was after their autographs! A little Australian DNA, and it is money in the bank.”
Satan laughed. Winning always made him laugh.
The following day, in space…
Darth Tyranus was a stranger in a strange land. This was not his land. This was not his life. The last thing he remembered, Anakin Skywalker had defeated him in combat. He lost both his hands to a lightsaber and was about to lose his head. And then…and then…
And then he was summoned. Plucked, rather, from his own timeline. His own universe. His own life. He was freed from one master, only to serve a new one. One with the power to skip through universes like a child skips through a puddle of water, and take what he wants without consequence or care.
And now, he waited, over one of the moons of Bogden, his new mechanical hands clenching in leather gloves.
This universe was an interesting one. There were no Sith. There were no Jedi. Until now, there was no Tyranus. There was an actor, named Christopher Lee, from a planet called Earth, who played a character called Tyranus. But Tyranus did not exist here. Not until his new master sent him.
Just as his universe was unique, split into dark and light, this one too was unique. In this universe, super beings protected the innocent. Darkness struggled to penetrate this universe, with its guardians ready to defend at any moment. New ones were appearing almost regularly now. Something had to be done.
Tyranus checked his chronometer. His contact from the underworld would be here soon. Tyranus was brought to this universe for a specific reason: cloning. His years of expertise, manipulating the Clone Wars, made him ideal for this job. His master had provided him with cloning cylinders, and a Kaminoan lab. In his time in this universe, Tyranus had studied its heroes and villains. He had chosen allies to serve him. His goal was simple. His master had made it clear: eliminate the heroes. Especially the Earth heroes.
Especially Tee Bone Man.
And so he studied and studied. He put elements in play like pieces in chess. With his gift of foresight, he was able to see in advance the alliances these heroes would make. He could interfere and manipulate events to set them in his favour.
The DNA sample would be here soon. Then all would begin to unfold.
Perfectly on time, Satan’s envoy was arriving. His craft was a saucer-shaped ship with a dome on top, and landing gear below. It landed a short distance away, and a ramp slowly lowered in front. Tyranus straightened his cape. This was his first meeting with an envoy from Hell in person.
From out the flying saucer came a tattooed man with no shirt, ripped pants, and a skewed baseball cap.
“Duuuuuuuuude!” said the tattooed man.
“You may address me as Lord Tyranus,” he answered gruffly. “You are Satan’s envoy?”
“Yeah dude!” said the man as he approached, package in hand. “I’ve been Satan’s envoy since the Shout at the Devil album in 1983! Payment received, and he said to give you this!”
He handed Tyranus a small, sealed, metal box. The older man took it, waved a hand over a surface, and the box opened. Inside was a ball-point pen. He sealed the box once more with another wave. He summoned a Kaminoan attendant, who took the box away.
“Well done,” he said to the tattooed man. “You may tell your master Satan to continue his business, but to expect to be summoned again when needed.” The tattooed man just looked back at him with a stupid grin on his face.
Tyranus had no patience. “Your name!” he demanded.
“Dude, it’s me, Tommy Lee!” said the Motley Crue drummer gleefully.
“Get out of my sight, Lee! Give your master my message. And put on a tunic.”
“A what??”
“A shirt you fool!” Tyranus lashed out, amplifying his voice with the Force. With that, Tommy Lee hightailed it out of there.
Tyranus considered to himself what he had achieved this day. “All is going according to plan. The Australian was to be their greatest ally. When I replace him with an evil clone, then Tee Bone Man and Superdekes will never achieve the power they are destined.” He laughed. His new master was much more powerful than his old. He was all but doomed before, betrayed by Darth Sidious and maimed by Skywalker. Here, he had a new start.
He just needed to ensure that Tee Bone Man was not his next Skywalker.
At that exact moment last year, in Australia…
Harrison Holden, otherwise known as El Moustachio, was rubbing a sore thumb. There was a sharp piece of plastic on the edge of the pen that he used to sign his autograph back in Hell. He thought little of it at the time, but after a hard day of assembling Lego pieces, it was starting to bother him.
He applied a bandage to his Australian thumb. “Ah, my boomerang thumb,” he thought to himself. No boomerang classes tomorrow for him!
He was excited by his new friendship with the Canadian lads, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes. They sure did have a good time saving the world. He hoped it was not their last adventure.
A chill went up his spine. What was that? He shivered. It was…cold…foreboding.
“Better get to bed,” he thought. He played some Blaze Bayley through his headphones – Alive in Poland – and tucked himself in to bed. As always, he made one wish at bedtime.
“I wish for more adventures with Superdekes and Tee Bone Man! And maybe a cool pet that could fit inside a satchel.”
With that, he was off to sleep. He had no idea that on a distant world, he had just been cloned!
Months after…
Tyranus watched events unfold on Earth. The heroes were gaining strength. They had brought into their fold now a wealthy but foolish man named Snow, with resources enough to fund the heroes’ every need. Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were gaining in might and knowledge faster than anticipated. Superdekes in particular was making leaps and bounds of progress on the technological side.
Today, that would end. His Australian clone had advance-aged to perfectly match the original. Today was the day to open the cloning cylinder.
The plan had unfolded perfectly. Satan provided them with a flawless, clean Australian DNA sample. It was not much, just enough for one clone. Tyranus only needed one clone. All they had to do was turn on the evil gene. A simple task for the Kaminoan cloners. Turning on the evil gene was in fact the easiest thing to do in all of cloning.
It was time. Tyranus made his way through winding corridors, to the cloning lab. The metal doors whooshed open, and two tall-necked Kaminoans were diligently preparing the clone for his arrival.
“Have you opened the cylinder?” he asked.
“Not without you present, my master,” answered the first wide-eyed Kaminoan.
“Do it,” he commanded with relish.
Before them, a shining silvery cloning tube opened, with a rush of steam and the hiss of a broken seal. They waited for the mist to clear, to get a good look at this Australian clone they had just created.
There it lay, eyes closed, but breathing. A perfect duplicate of El Moustachio. Indistinguishable. Its hair was long, brown, silky, straight and smooth. Just like the original. Flawless. Blemish-free in every way.
“Wait…wait…something is wrong,” said Tyranus. The room fell eerie silent as the Kaminoans froze, waiting. “Where is its moustache?” thundered the Sith lord.
A timid Kaminoan answered meekly. “I am sorry, my master. The DNA sample was uncontaminated, but the original donor had such strong moustache genes. These strong moustache genes are extraordinarily complex and must be duplicated with exact precision, or the gene remains recessive. There simply wasn’t enough donor DNA present in the sample to do it.”
The Sith lord closed one mechanical hand into a fist.
“This…will simply not do. Do you understand?”
The Kaminoan looked down. “Yes, master.”
There was a flash of a red lightsaber blade, and an alien head hit the ground with a sickening thud. Tyranus strode out of the chamber with a furious twirl of his cape. The remaining Kaminoan stayed still and quiet.
The clone awakened in its cylinder. It rubbed its eyes.
“Who am I? Where am I? I feel…evil!” said the clone in a flawless Western Australian accent.
“You, sir, are the worst clone I ever made,” answered the Kaminoan. “You are fortunate that the evil gene took hold, otherwise he might find you completely worthless. Your cloning was a failure, and I will give you a deserving name for such a shamelessly poor clone: Shinzon.”
The cloned looked taken aback by all this information, but being evil, nor having seen Star Trek: Nemesis, did not care very much.
“Shinzon…I like it. Henceforth I shall be known as Shinzon. I have a terrible urge to eat cabbage and build things out of Lego. Is this normal?” asked the clone.
“For you, yes it is. We have prepared a feast of cabbage for your arrival, though you certainly do not deserve it, for your failure to grow a moustache.”
“Can’t I just wear a fake moustache?” asked Shinzon.
The Kaminoan simply laughed. “You can’t fake a good moustache.”
More months later…
“Looks like we’re going to Romania,” mused Deke. Tee Bone Man, Deke and Harrison were at it again: trying to save the world from the evil plots and schemes of the Great Satan himself. The devil needed something, and our boys were not about to let him have it!
“What are we going to do with the Infernum record?” questioned Tee Bone Man. “It would be foolish to take it with us.”
“I think the safest place for it is in El Moustachio’s hands,” Deke said, nodding to Harrison.
The Australian nodded back and surreptitiously put it in his bag. “I’ll defend it with my life,” El Moustachio avowed.
“Hopefully it won’t come to that,” Tee Bone said with a smile. “But we really have to be going now.”
“Of course. Good luck,” Harrison replied, with a wave as Deke fired up his motorbike. The two accelerated down the road, before shortly taking flight and disappearing into the atmosphere as Harrison watched on. The Australian then set off for his house, but a feeling of unease set over him. A chill went up and down his back. Suddenly an image flashed into his mind. As clear as day, he could see it! Goosebumps raised on his arms as he could see in his mind’s eye, a mirror. In front of that mirror he stood, solemn and alone. But the face staring back at him wasn’t his. Or, rather, it was — but cleanly shaven, baby smooth, like some bizarre anti-Harrison.
Harrison shook it off, as he entered his home once again. “That was so strange. I would never shave off my moustache. But that felt so…real!”
His squirrel friend Ripper greeted him at the door, the perfect pet for fitting into a satchel, but Harrison was distracted by this strange vision that he simply could not explain.
That day, in Tyranus’ throne room…
“It is time, Lord Tyranus. I believe Shinzon is ready to be the agent of evil that you need on Earth,” said the Kaminoan.
Tyranus sat on his throne and considered this.
“He could not even grow a moustache! And you want me to send this Shinzon of yours to Earth anyway?” mocked Tyranus bitterly. All those resources spent…wasted…on this moustache-less mockery that calls itself Shinzon.”
“Yes, mi’lord,” answered the Kaminoan. “I believe he is ready to prove himself.”
Tyranus considered this. He placed a gloved hand upon his white beard and stroked.
“Very well. Send him in. I will test him, myself.”
With that the Kaminoan summoned the moustache-less Australian to the throne room. Moments later, Shinzon stood before his master, hair silky smooth and freshly perfect.
“You summoned me, Lord Tyranus?” bowed Shinzon.
“Yes. Have you been been informed of the mission that you have been suggested to lead?” asked a sceptical Tyranus.
“I have, my lord,” answered the clone. “I am ready.”
Suddenly Tyranus lunged forward. “Then prove it!” His red lightsaber ignited, and missed Shinzon by two hairs, as he ducked just in time out of the way, and rolled across the floor.
Shinzon was on the ground now with Tyranus swiftly moving in his direction. “Prove that you are worthy to serve me!” barked the Sith lord as he threw his lightsaber at Shinzon like a boomerang.
The clone rolled away again and laughed. Standing, he drew his own boomerang. “You’ll have to do better than that, Tyranus. I’m an Australian clone!” He hurled his boomerang with a mighty right, but Tyranus dissected the projectile with his lightsaber.
“Boastful, arrogant and foolish!” taunted Tyranus. “Show me your anger! Show me your hate! Use them!”
Shinzon gritted his teeth and focused on the pain. The pain of rejection from this man, this evil entity called Tyranus. Faster than the eye could see, he drew a blaster. He fired the sidearm in a blur, but Tyranus easily deflected the blast.
“Good…your hate is making your powerful! Now, strike the killing blow!” instructed Tyranus.
This time Shinzon pushed a button on his chest and activated a light. An intense, blinding light that took Tyranus by surprise. He covered his eyes too late, deactivating his lightsaber, but temporarily blinded. It took him a second, thanks to the shock of pain in his eyes, but he reached out with the Force — too late. Shinzon was already at his neck with a blade and a blaster at his temple.
“Check, mate!” said Shinzon.
“Stalemate,” countered Tyranus. He blinked as sight started to return. His lightsaber hilt was at Shinzon’s head. It was stalemate indeed. Each combatant slowly disarmed and backed off.
“Good. Good…you have passed this test, Shinzon. You may yet prove your worth. Go to Earth. Be instructed well. You are not to confront or interfere with Tee Bone Man and Superdekes. If you alert them to our existence, then all will be for nothing. I do not trust you: I trust no-one who cannot grow a moustache, you failed clone,” warned Tyranus.
“To be fair mi’lord, it is turning out that he is remarkably evil, and quite good at all things Australian. He will blend in on Earth just as well as the original,” said the Kaminoan attendant.
Tyranus stood dismissively. “Assign Shinzon to one of the lesser heroes. The Van Heelin’ woman, perhaps. Perhaps…perhaps we can use her, in our plans against Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, if he is capable.”
“It shall be done, mi’lord,” said the Kaminoan. Shinzon nodded his agreement.
“Good. Contact Satan. Get him to send his envoy once more, to bring Shinzon to Earth. Give him access to all the technological resources, from every universe, that we have.”
The Kaminoan nodded its long neck and left the room. Shinzon lingered a moment, glaring at Tyranus, before turning and exiting.
Tyranus sat, rather satisfied with himself. Sending Shinzon to deal with the Van Heelin’ woman might serve one purpose, but if Shinzon could figure out a way to manipulate her against Tee Bone Man, then perhaps this cloning misadventure was not the waste that it appeared to be.
Earth. Present Day.
Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were concerned. Deep furrows of worry had formed in Superdekes’ face. Tee Bone Man was constantly rubbing the bridge of his nose where headaches liked to go. They were only beginning to connect the dots. Through their mutual friend Mike the Brainiac, Tee Bone and Superdekes had made contact with another superhero on the west coast named Edie Van Heelin’. While they successfully formed an alliance, it also brought Tee Bone and Deke into a larger world. They had just become aware that evil powers from several levels higher than any they had dealt with before were now actively seeking to destroy them both.
They did not know much. Deke had scribbled charts and diagrams on sheets of paper scattered on his desk. Everything seemed to lead to a dead end. The biggest lead they had was this Shinzon character.
Neither Deke nor Tee Bone Man had dealt with him directly, but Van Heelin’ and Brainiac had. Shinzon had access to technology seemingly from the future, and he definitely reported to a higher power. A higher power that had yet to reveal itself. They also knew that Tommy Lee had allied himself as a lacky of Shinzon, and could not be trusted. To be on the side of caution, Nikki Sixx, Vince Neil and John 5 were all also considered compromised.
“Think we should call it a night, Deke?” yawned Tee Bone.
“Yeah buddy, I don’t think we’re going to wrap up this case tonight. There’s definitely a ‘Big Bad’ at the end of all this. And that entity is definitely more than meets the eye. That’s about all I can surmise at this moment. Not very reassuring, I know,” yawned Deke in return.
“We do have this,” added Tee Bone as he tucked his glasses away and pulled a piece of paper from a shirt pocket. “I’ve asked some friends of ours if they’d be willing to join the fight. Join the Northern Lights. Here’s the list of respondents.” He handed Deke the paper, who peered down over his glasses.
“Wow…big names here. Max the Axe…Bernard the Knight…King of the Sharks…Kevin the Mars Man…Snowman on financial support…Jex Rambo…the Durling Foundation…Brainiac…and Common Knowledge? What’s he on this list for!?”
“Sorry, I accidentally copied him on the email chain. He said yes, but I told him we were already full up!”
“Hah,” said Deke. “Good call, if it was down to him or me, well, he’d be all yours pal!” They both laughed at Tee Bone’s mis-sent email. “There’s one name missing from this list,” added Deke with a somber tone. “El Moustachio.”
Tee Bone looked down.
“Whereabouts still unknown. I know he’d be with us if he could be. Which is what concerns me the most. He’d be here…which means he’s really in big trouble.”
Deke nodded in sad agreement. “Are all these people on this list looking for him too?”
Tee Bone answered in affirmative. “All but Max the Axe. He’s looking for a new VCR. Probably for the better. We need to keep him at arm’s length or next thing you know, we’ll forget what we were all doing in the first place.” Tee Bone paused a moment before they retired for the night. “Listen…as impressive as some of the names on that list are…we’re going to need more. I don’t know where to find them. It was Shinzon’s blunder that put us in contact with Edie Van Heelin’ in the first place. If there are other heroes in this universe, we’re going to need to find them ourselves.”
“Agreed,” said Deke. “Strength in numbers.”
“We got the touch, we got the power,” said Tee Bone with a fist bump. “G’night.”
Space.
Shinzon was aboard his personal spaceship, about to meet with Tyranus face to face for the first time since leaving the moons of Bogden. Though he was always calm and stoic on his exterior, his insides were boiling in fear. Tyranus would not be happy, for Shinzon had failed him. Again.
Tyranus always saw him as a mistake, an abomination, garbage that should have been disposed of. And this could be time for Tyranus to do just that.
His assignment was to set Van Heelin’ against Tee Bone Man and destroy them both. Instead, he had created an alliance between them. The worst possible outcome for Shinzon. It was really all the Brainiac’s fault; the one factor nobody considered. And Shinzon would have his revenge on the Brainiac. It will come.
He thought a moment. “What if…what if I simply…don’t go back to Bogden? What if I don’t report back to Tyranus? My chances are better in space, than with him. Let him deal with Tee Bone and Van Heelin’ himself. See how easy he finds it.”
Studying his starcharts, he made a choice. With that, he changed course.
“Mars. The Martians are not sympathetic to Tee Bone Man. I’ll lay low on Mars for a while before I make my next move.”
An uncertain future ahead, Shinzon headed back to the Sol system. It was not his home, yet it was. On Mars he would be a stranger in a strange land once again. But at least he would be free from Tyranus’ yoke.
For now.
The end.
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA
- Chapter Eighteen: Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
- Noirison Part One (By Holen) Coming soon
- The Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven (by 80sMetalMan) TBA
- Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp) TBA
- The Death of… (By LeBrain) TBA
- The Fate of… (By LeBrain) TBA
THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’
THE WRITER’S ROOM
Dressed To Kill line by Jabberwocky Toys
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