Sunday morning after Sausagefest, we had to find his phone. Its battery ran out, and he didn’t know where it was. Couldn’t leave without it. There were a few places to look. One of which was “the place he took his last shit”. I was not going to look there. He could search the shit section. We got all hands on deck and started sweeping.
I found the phone…in the car. Crisis averted.
Then, as we were driving up the hill on our way out of the valley, he said “Stop the car.”
“I need to find my shorts. I know I packed them. Better we do this now than worry. Open the trunk.”
Meat went out back and started digging for his shorts. Dig dig dig.
Then he said, “You are going to be so mad at me.”
He got back into the car and said “I’m wearing them.”
Nah, I don’t get mad. I just turn it into a Sunday Chuckle!
Almost everybody hates puking. It’s one of the most unpleasant bodily functions, and everyone does it. Especially rock stars! I remember reading an interview with the rock band Kix in Hit Parader magazine. On the subject of tour stories, one of the guitarists was sick during one show. He had a puke bucket at side stage, but he missed and the puke ended up hitting an electric fan, which splattered the vomit all over the drummer. “But he felt better for about half a song!”
On the less funny side, too many rock stars died after choking on their own vomit. Jimi Hendrix and John Bonham come to mind. It’s a tragic way to go, when the rock and roll lifestyle eats its own young. Unfortunately the lessons are not always learned and rock and roll continues to be littered with tragedy.
But let’s keep it light this time.
I have always been a power-puker. I wake up the neighborhood. I’ve never puked on stage like the guy from Kix, but I do have a couple rock and roll stories.
At Sausagefest several years ago, I pushed it one step too far. Not with alcohol, but with food. That last sausage was a little undercooked and it didn’t feel right in my stomach. I was OK though the Saturday night countdown, and I went to bed after the music ended. I slept in my car that year, and I started feeling sick after a very brief sleep.
I woke up and I knew I was going to puke. I got out the car and walked towards the middle of the field. I didn’t want to puke near anybody’s tent. I could hear that some of the guys were still up and partying, but I couldn’t see anything. And then, I released the hounds:
BRAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHAAAAHHHHH!
BORRRUGHHHHHEEEEERRRRRRRHHHHHEEEH!
PLAGHHHOUUGGGGGHHHHHEAAAAAAR!
“You OK there buddy?” I could hear Tom asking from somewhere in the dark.
“Yeah I just ate too much,” I responded as I recovered. “Can you get me a bottle of water from my car?”
Tom made sure I was OK, and I slept great after that. I have no idea how late those guys stayed up, but I know that some years I have woken up in the morning only to find Uncle Meat and Bucky still hadn’t gone to sleep! There I was going for my morning shit, and these guys were still hanging by the fire.
It happened again a few years later, after Thanksgiving dinner at the cottage. I blame my mom for this one. She laid out way too much food, including tables full of chocolate and candy. As I did at Sausagefest, I ate too much. I woke up in the middle of the night again, knowing I was going to puke. I didn’t want to wake anyone in that small cottage so I went outside to the back yard. Then, once again, I released the evil from my stomach.
BRAAHHHHGGGGGHHHHRRRRRRRRTTT!
BLUUUGGGGGGPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFF.
HUUUAAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGG!
I walked back into the cottage to find that I did in fact wake everyone, despite my best efforts not to.
Here’s the funny thing. In both cases, the puddle of puke was gone in the morning. Eaten by wild animals? Hope they enjoyed the meal!
GETTING MORE TALE #685: First Signs of Sausagefest
To quote Bon Jon Bovi, it feels somethin’ like summertime.
Ever since my first time back in ’06, summer is about Sausagefest. It’s just a month away now and I can already feel the cool waters of the Beaver River on my feet.
It has been hot in Ontario this past week. I have been sporting my hair long, but the sweaty heat is a severe deterrent. I originally wanted to try have bangin’ long hair at Sausagefest for the first time this summer. That’s not gonna happen. I have surrendered to the summer. The hair is gone. The first sign of Sausagefest has arrived: my shaved head.
Before & After
Other preparations are under way. Several weeks ago, Uncle Meat gave me the list of songs for me to introduce. I’m very excited because the ideas started poppin’ right away. I have been gathering funny audio bits for almost a year now, but I have pared them all down to the funniest. I learned from last year when I took everything to excess, and I think this time I have distilled all my stuff down to the crème de la crème. Trimmed away a lot of fat.
Just as, I hope, the Lamb Lord will be trimming the fat on his massive side of lamb for the BBQ once again.
Now that the hair decision has been made, I have been pondering some new purchases for this year’s Fest.
This will be the last Sausagefest for the old Pontiac. I’ll be getting something bigger in the fall. Space in the car is an issue, since I drive two people and all their stuff. But I want to make room for this baby below.
Someone brought Jon Snow’s sword one year, and I have been known to sport a machete on my belt. This year, perhaps a more practical weapon would be something that could light our way in the darkness after sunset: a Kylo Ren lightsaber.
These beauty “weapons” are dropping in price, and wouldn’t it be super cool to have one as a nightlight? It would sure beat glow sticks. Not a small investment, however, and you wouldn’t want it to get damaged up there.
What do you think, LeBrain readers? Is this a worthy investment? Stand up and be counted in the poll below.
Keep in mind I could use that money for many other, more practical things. New shoes. New glasses. A new tent. New Guns N’ Roses and Def Leppard box sets.
Check back and see where the poll leads and take part in the discussion in the comments.
Back to work on my recordings for song intros. Can’t wait to see the reactions this time.
The 16th annual Sausagefest is fast approaching. July seems like it is a long way off, but the annual countdown takes time to tabulate and assemble. Last year’s countdown was incredible. Hard to top “Ace of Spades” as the #1 song. Attendees are now being harassed for their 2017 lists. Mine is in — but there are many more to be submitted. Voting for your Sausagefest countdown songs is known as “paying your Rock and Roll taxes”, as Jeff Woods below knows:
Just like real taxes, sometimes you have to pester people to get them in before the deadline. What is Sausagefest without a countdown (and some delicious lamb too)? So, a few hilarious memes have been sent out to get the message across. I hope you enjoy these memes regardless of your political stripes! (These are jokes and intended for a chuckle.)
Welcome to another week of Getting More Getting More Tale! Join us each day this week for a new instalment of the Getting More Tale series, including the all-important, top-secret #500.
GETTING MORE TALE: #497: Sausagefest 2016 Official Report
I have returned, bitten by many insects of all kinds, from Sausagefest.
Every year, Countdown has its own personality, or personalities. This year, the fifteenth annual, the 81 songs were drawn in almost equal amounts from the fountains of heavy metal and soul/funk. There was Metallica, and there was Five Alarm Funk. There was Iron Maiden, and there was Charles Bradley. It was a stunning mix, also including long bombers by Yes and ELP. Because of this year’s countdown, I will soon be purchasing Close to the Edge by Yes, and a number of Clutch CDs.
The countdown began, appropriately, with a song by Hibakusha and a previously unheard Paul MacLeod comedic bit. MacLeod had a comeback show scheduled for the same weekend as Sausagefest. It is sad that it could not come to pass.
I was given 10 songs to do “LeBrain” intros for. They were as follows:
78. “Hanger 18” – Megadeth (for this I did a 7-minute comedic steam-of-consciousness bit as my own intro) 67. “Go Down Gambling” – Blood Sweat and Tears 60. “Snakes for the Divine” – High on Fire 55. “Rock and Roll Suicide” – David Bowie 49. “Why is it So Hard” – Charles Bradley 42. “Old Joe’s Place” – The Folksmen 36. “Burn In Hell” – Twisted Sister 29. “Fade to Black” – Metallica 18. “The Sounds of Silence” – Disturbed 11. “Empire of the Clouds” – Iron Maiden
Now, I do not care for Disturbed, and I did not want to introduce that song. I wanted another tune because I had an intro planned already for it (“Hollywood”, by Thin Lizzy). Tom and Uncle Meat refused to give me Thin Lizzy. They did not want to hear Disturbed so they left it to me. I told Meat, “Fine, but I am going to record my intro in the bathroom while taking my morning shit.” And that’s exactly what I did. The intro was received…with grace, all thing considered, by the people who voted for Disturbed. I have no issue with David Draiman, he is an incredibly gifted and obviously trained singer. It’s just not my cup of tea. It’s not a song I wanted to hear done that way. So I did my intro the only way I knew how: with exaggerated disgust. Love it or hate it, nobody ignored it!
The weather was a challenge, but not unbeatable. Friday afternoon and early evening, we were pelted with rain, hail and lightning. Due to the weather forecasts, it was decided late last week that there would be no live jams this year. The more capable among us assembled tarps and gazebos to protect the precious Wall of Sound, and us. Standing in the refreshing rain on such a hot day, I felt like Andy Dufresne after having climbed through the mile-long shitpipe. There were many personal highlights for me this year, but I will say this. I am glad that I slept in Saturday morning, and did not go into Flesherton to get breakfast at the Flying Spatula. A highlight of previous trips, the Spatula is now under new, surly ownership. Our guys were treated to disinterested and slow service. One group of eight guys was asked to share one booth. Disappointing. We’re disappointed in you, Flying Spatula.
The most important part of Sausagefest besides the countdown is the camaraderie. Every year it gets better, too. Many of these guys only see each other once a year. Some of us show up fatter, balder, or both. Some of us even showed up with a broken ankle. That’s dedication. It’s that important to us.
Or, as Uncle Meat sang during his interpretation of Pink Floyd’s “Hey You”:
“HeyScott, Where the fuck are you? Did you have better things to do Than rock and roll, man?”
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale #422: Sausagefest 2015 – The Complete Countdown
The annual trek to Sausagefest is centred upon the always epic Countdown. There were many misadventures on the way to the Countdown, and after. While I am sworn to abide by the credo “What happens at Sausagefest stays at Sausagefest,” I am also bound by my own nature as a storyteller. Therefore, I can share with you a number of brief tidbits, hints, and insinuations.
Yes founder Chris Squire died only days before the Sausagefest countdown. It was too late to include a tribute a Squire tribute into the countdown itself, so Tom and Uncle Meat sequenced about an hour of Squire’s best music to precede the actual countdown. This was a promising hour, but upon hitting “play” on the laptop, it was immediately obvious that something was wrong. We were only getting one channel. Yes music, with its layers and wide stereo panning, turned out to be great music to test the four speakers. Unfortunately it took almost all of the Squire-allotted time, seventeen men* and one record producer to figure out that all the muss was being caused by an RCA adapter somewhere. We got two Squire songs, excellent as they were.
The Countdown this year was informally dubbed “The Greatest Songs of All Time”, because for the first time in years, the slate had been cleared and any and all songs were open for voting. Because of this anything goes approach and some younger blood, we got to hear a lot of classic tunes that often are either overlooked or just not up for grabs. I’m sure this was the first ever appearance of Boston on the countdown. I can probably say the same for Foreigner. These top ten hits are offset by more obscure favourites by Ian Thomas and UFO.
Now below, please analyse and enjoy the one and only OFFICIAL 2015 Sausagefest Countdown. Every track was a winner. I’ve highlighted songs I voted for (only two this year).
1
Battle Scar
Max Webster/Rush
2
Shine on You Crazy Diamond^
Pink Floyd
3
Hallowed be Thy Name
Iron Maiden
4
Working Man
Rush
5
Sultans of Swing
Dire Straits
6
La Villa Strangiato
Rush
7
Eulogy for the Damned
Orange Goblin
8
When the Levee Breaks
Led Zeppelin
9
Natural Science
Rush
10
A Day in the Life
The Beatles/War mashup
^ The whole thing…parts I-IX.
Look at that majesty. FOUR RUSH SONGS IN THE TOP TEN!
11
Fatso Forgetso
Kyuss
12
Heaven and Hell
Black Sabbath
13
Toronto Tontos
Max Webster
14
Wish You Were Here
Pink Floyd
15
Superstition
Stevie Wonder
16
Rime of the Ancient Mariner
Iron Maiden
17
Master of Puppets
Metallica
18
End of my Daze
Trouble
19
Papa Was a Rolling Stone
The Temptations
20
The Trooper
Iron Maiden
21
Ramble Tamble
Creedence Clearwater Revival
22
War Pigs
Black Sabbath
23
Penis Ground
Groove Daddys
24
The Ocean
Led Zeppelin
25
Stranglehold
Ted Nugent
26
Sympathy for the Devil
The Rolling Stones
27
Muffin Man
Frank Zappa
28
Smokin’
Boston
29
Child in Time (Live ’72)
Deep Purple
30
Aces High
Iron Maiden
31
Into the Void
Black Sabbath
32
25 or 6 to 4
Chicago
33
Machine Gun
Jimi Hendrix/Band of Gypsies
34
Doctor Doctor
UFO
35
Kashmir
Led Zeppelin
36
Old Man
Neil Young
37
Suite: Judy Blue Eyes
CSNY
38
Illegal Smile
John Prine
39
Testify
Rage Against the Machine
40
Get Up Offa That Thing
James Brown
41
Belzelboss
Tenacious D
42
Emerald
Thin Lizzy
43
Sweatleaf
Black Sabbath
44
Tribute
Tenacious D
45
Tres Brujas
The Sword
46
I
Black Sabbath
47
The Temples of Syrinx
Rush
48
Space Oddity
David Bowie
49
46 & 2
Tool
“Then I fuckin’ diddle-riddle-dee-doo.”
50
Monkberry Moon Delight
Paul McCartney & Wings
51
39
Tenacious D
52
What is Hip?
Tower of Power
53
Over the Hills and Far Away
Led Zeppelin
54
The Mob Goes Wild
Clutch
55
Better Living Through Chemistry
Queens of the Stone Age
56
Mongoose
Fu Manchu
57
Roadhouse Blues
The Doors
58
Inside Looking Out
Grand Funk Railroad
59
Hurt
Johnny Cash
60
Don’t Stop Me Now
Queen
61
Careful with that Axe Eugene
Pink Floyd
62
The Chain
Fleetwood Mac
63
Ophelia
The Band
64
Jukebox Hero
Foreigner
65
Fairies Wear Boots
Black Sabbath
66
Where the Devil Don’t Stay
Drive By Truckers
67
Fat Bottomed Girls
Queen
68
Under Pressure
Queen
69
Fools Overture
Supertramp
70
The Pot
Tool
71
Tempus Fugit
Yes
72
Thunderstruck
AC/DC
73
Green Eyed Lady
Sugarloaf
74
Duke’s Travels
Genesis
75
Red Hot Mama
Funkadelic
76
Painted Ladies
Ian Thomas
77
Down by the River
Neil Young
Please note that double-shot of Queen, above!
Also note the presence of “Penis Ground” by the Groove Daddys (not to be confused with the Groove Daddies, or Groove Daddy). This was a local trio fronted by guitarist and singer extraordinaire Rob Szabo. I certainly didn’t expect anything that obscure making the list, considering the diversity of folks that attend. To rank all the way up at #23? That’s proof of the sheer quality of the music. Indi enough for ya?
Once again, a huge thanks to Tom, Meat and everyone else for working so hard for us. Thanks Craig Fee and Jeff Woods for your much-appreciated willingness to go above and beyond the call of duty. And lastly thanks to Uncle Meat for being such a delightful travel-mate this year. Enjoy some of these pictures from the weekend, official video still to follow!
The Setup:
How many ‘Festers does it take…
There are like two wires, Tom.
Supervisin’.
The Live Bands:
The Fest:
The Aftermath:
* I didn’t take a head-count, but I swear if it wasn’t seventeen guys trying to fix the thing, it was close. It doesn’t really matter because more wouldn’t have helped!
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale #411: Stop Playing ‘Beth’ – The Post-Sausagefest Countdown
Perhaps the only bigger production than going to Sausagefest is coming home from Sausagefest. At least when you’re travelling with Uncle Meat.
As we have previous years, Uncle Meat rode up with me. This time he slept in my car too. This pretty much left me responsible for him. I roused bright and early from a restful slumber on Saturday morning to evacuate my bladder. Imagine my surprise when I found, at 6:30 in the morning, Uncle Meat, Bucky and Matt still up from the night before. They were just starting to fall asleep when I took my morning shit. I then went back to sleep in my tent for a few more hours.
Our Saturday morning tradition is to hit up the Flying Spatula in Flesherton for our breakfast fill-up. Sebastien, driving his 4×4, stopped by my tent and asked if I was riding up with him. Ready for some bacon and eggs, I hopped on board with Seb, while Meat snoozed away in my car’s passenger side seat.
My first controversy of the weekend was not waking Meat up for breakfast. Being that he had only gone to bed a couple hours before, I thought I was doing him a favour. Apparently not. “Breakfast before sleep!” he said. Apparently that’s the Meat priorities.
Saturday went off without a hitch, breakfast arrangements aside. I will post the full 78 song countdown (plus a couple odds n’ ends) in the days ahead. Saturday night was loaded with long bombers, such as “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” (13 minutes), the live “Child in Time” from Made In Japan (12 minutes), and “Shine On You Crazy Diamond” (25 minutes). The excellent countdown (dubbed “the greatest songs of all time”) ended after midnight.
Sunday morning, I found I had the most difficult job of all. It took me an hour and a half (close to two hours) to wake Uncle Meat from his slumber. As the others were packing up their tents and heading off into the sunrise, I found I had a passenger unwilling or unable to rouse himself. “If you let him sleep in your car again next year, then there will be nobody to blame but you,” said Troy.
I cranked “I Stole Your Love” at max volume. No reaction. Tom threw a 12-pack of socks at his head (photo above). No reaction. I played Kiss’ “Beth”, followed by the 1988 Eric Carr re-recording. Still nothing. Only when I put the car in drive and started moving it around did Meat finally decide to wake himself. I took him on a drousy “drive of shame” to visit all the people who had no trouble waking up. “I have a boner” he announced. Yes, it’s true — Uncle Meat woke up with wood.
After telling us all about his boner, he kept shouting “Stop playing ‘Beth’!” even though the song was no longer playing. This continued when we pulled into our first stop, Top of the Rock, for him to get his first coffee. “Stop playing ‘Beth’!” he shouted in a barely-there voice, any time somebody was in his vicinity.
“Stop playing ‘Beth’!” he shouted, when his roomate Zack also pulled into Top of the Rock. Zack informed us, “That’s just him. He’ll just keep repeating it unless he gets something new in his head.” Zack paused and said, “Watch. Rododendron!”
“Rhododendron!” shouted Meat, parroting his roomate. “Rhododendron! Stop playing ‘Beth’!”
And that was it pretty much the rest of the ride home. A selection of brief statements, repeated ad nauseum: “Rhododendron!” “Stop playing ‘Beth’!” “Coffee!” Repeat.
The weekend more than made up for the ride home. Sebastien and I shot lots of footage, including underwater stuff with his GoPro. For the first time ever, we will be combining footage and doing the annual videos together. Be patient, this will be worth it.
Three albums I must own, after this year’s Sausagefest:
Summer is here. To quote Glenn Frey, the heat is on. For me, the best part of summer is Sausagefest. I submitted my song list months ago. I have recorded my bits. I have also shorn my mane. Unlike Samson, without my hair I am stronger! In this summer heat, camped out in the Valley, hair is not an asset, even for a metal head.
Uncle Meat, Sausagefest’s esteemed music curator and co-founder, tells me that this year is a complete reboot. For the first time in years, they have ditched the exclusions list, so all songs were on the table for votes. In prior years, we would have a list of songs that had been used before that could not be voted for again. This year, even perennials like “Tom Sawyer” were up for votes. It’s going to be an interesting weekend.
As for actual prep, I’ve bought a new tent. I have my Coleman Biowipes. My cooler is at the ready and I bought a fucking machete.
Today’s subect: Continuing our Nickelback discussion, Tyler and I turn to a controversial comparison: Do Nickelback and Monster Truck sound the same? Listen to what we have to say, and leave your thoughts in the comments. Enjoy.
*NOTE: I got the name of the Fu Manchu song and album wrong. It’s “Saturn III” from The Action Is Go.
mikeladano.com 