GETTING MORE TALE #774: The Original Mustard Tiger
Gary was a customer of mine after I was transferred to a store on the shittier side of town. It’s not like where I worked before was high class. The new store was in a part of town that, frankly, I never went to when I wasn’t working. There was nothing in that part of town, just the same fast food joints as everywhere else. Not a lot of people with disposable income. The store recently came to an end, to no-one’s surprise. But that was the store that Gary frequented.
I inherited Gary from the previous manager. Since we started carrying DVDs, we acquired a brand new niche clientele: movie and TV fans. They rarely, if ever, bought music. It was a whole new market, and Gary was one of the guys who bought DVDs pretty much exclusively. In particular, he liked TV show season box sets. M*A*S*H*, Gilligan’s Island, the classics. He bought a lot — and returned a lot. He was high maintenance, so not the kind of guy I was really excited to see walk in at any given time. But that’s retail.
What was most memorable to me about Gary was his appearance. Large, bald, and…shall we say, unkempt. The shirt that disgusted me the most was the one that had mustard stains all over the front. Dried mustard on cloth isn’t my thing when it comes to fashion, I guess. And when he talked to me, trapped behind the counter, I could barely take my eyes off it. It was like a car accident — some people can’t help but look. That was me with Gary’s shirt, which didn’t seem to completely cover his skin, by the way. The easiest and most accurate comparison would be the character of Phil Collins on Trailer Park Boys. Gary was taller, but Phil was bald, had a protruding gut, and wore a shirt covered with mustard stains. Phil’s shirt had a picture of a tiger on it, hence his nickname: the Mustard Tiger. Well Gary was the original Mustard Tiger.
I quit the store a couple years later, but life is circular, and that was not the last of the Mustard Tiger. About a decade ago, Jen and I were obligated to go to a wedding. It was one of her bridesmaids tying the knot, the one we referred to as “bridesmaidzilla”. (You can read that story in #559: Hotel Hobbies.) I wasn’t thrilled to be going, and for Jen this was kind of a final obligation before she was able to put some distance between them. They were having a “Hillbilly Wedding”, I believe they billed it. And guess who the best man was?
It was Gary. He traded in the mustard shirt for something clean, with buttons. Adorned atop his bald pate was a 10 gallon cowboy hat. Upon his ample belly, a giant golden country & western belt buckle. It looked like the WCW Championship belt, so huge it seemed.
I’m sure that some of you, if you were in similar circumstances, would walk up to Gary and ask him how he’s been doing. If he even remembered you. I did not do that. When I quit the store, I was bitter and wanted to move on with my life. I didn’t want to talk to Gary and remember all the times he returned some shitty TV show box set. We all make choices, and I chose to pretend that I didn’t remember the Mustard Tiger.
GETTING MORE TALE #773: Rock Candy + Internet = Kick Axe!
Like many things, it started with a story.
I have liked the music of Kick Axe since I first heard them back in 1984. “On the Road to Rock” was a Power Hour (not yet the Pepsi Power Hour) staple. I knew the video off by heart. A Vices button was among the first handful I owned. I think it was a birthday gift from my best friend Bob. As it turns out, I never got the album, or any Kick Axe for that matter, until now. So how did it turn out that I’m doing this Kick Axe review series?
I. ENCORE
In July, I scored two Kick Axe remastered CDs by Rock Candy records. This occurred at the best Record Store in town, Encore, who had both Vices and Welcome to the Club in stock. I had been looking for these in Toronto (“Taranna”) for years. No luck. The Encore visit was my first time finding them in store. Vices has a bonus track. I always intended to get the Rock Candy version for that reason. Aaron and I found Kick Axe vinyl in Taranna before, but I was holding out. The bonus track made the Rock Candy reissue my preferred version.
II. ROCK CANDY
Another thing about Rock Candy: the liner notes are, shall we say, goddamn essential. Featuring original interviews, untold stories, and assorted documented details, you will absolutely learn something from the liner notes in a Rock Candy CD. One thing I learned before even opening the booklet was that the third Kick Axe album was also available from Rock Candy. Already having the first two, it seemed dumb not to get the third. Especially since the liner notes said that Rock the World was, in some regards, their strongest album. As I read the notes, I recalled they did two songs for The Transformers soundtrack under the name Spectre General. The notes confirmed that Spectre General was Kick Axe, not some side project.
Thanks to Rock Candy, light was shed on early Kick Axe history previously unknown to me. I discovered they had an early 7″ single called “Weekend Ride”, with a singer earlier than George Criston. They also had a live track on a compilation called Playboy Street Rock. When Bob and I were kids, we used to be fascinated by the early history of bands. Like finding out White Lion had an album before Pride, or that Iron Maiden had something called The Soundhouse Tapes before their first album. I wanted to get the early Kick Axe stuff I just found out existed!
III. AMAZON and DISCOGS
If I knew about those early Kick Axe songs as a kid, it would have taken me decades to find them. Today, I had most of them within a week.
Amazon had Rock the World in stock, and it was at the house two days later. Discogs had “Weekend Ride”, The Transformers, and Playboy Street Rock from different sellers. I hesitated on Transformers but pulled the trigger on the other two. I would have preferred a remastered Transformers CD with bonus tracks. They were way too rich for me. I couldn’t get one for much less than $50. Even the reissued vinyl without the bonus tracks was pricey. Ultimately, I settled on an original CD, which was still not cheap.
“Weekend Ride” and Playboy Street Rock arrived within a few days. Wonders of the modern world. What would have taken years before happened in under a week.
IV. KICK AXE
Fortunately, it turns out that I quite like my Kick Axe purchases. So much so, that I was inspired to do a Kick Axe review series.
Kick Axe have a fourth album (Kick Axe IV) from a Criston-less reunion. I’m undecided if I’ll go that far, but in the mean time you can look forward to learning more about Canada’s own metal proponents. I’m delighted to discover a band that could really sing, and play like big leaguers. I hope you’ll enjoy them too.
GETTING MORE TALE #772: The Phantom Menace (20 Years On)
If you can believe it, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace is 20 years old this year. 2019 is a significant year in the history of Star Wars. It is the 20th anniversary of its return with the prequels, and it will also witness the final movie of the Skywalker saga in Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker. Back in Record Store Tales Part 209: The Phantom Menace, I said I wasn’t “interested in contributing to the background noise” regarding the movie, but I’ve since changed my mind. Now that George Lucas is out of the picture and J.J. Abrams is helming the finale of the sequel trilogy, it’s hard not to get a little nostalgic for 1999, when things were…simpler.
Netflix has different movies available in different countries, but you can sidestep this with some VPN software. Some countries have no Star Wars, but between them, all of the films are available. Bahamas is the only territory I’ve discovered so far with the first two trilogies, so I’ve been re-watching from I to VIII. And for all its flaws, with the benefit of hindsight, The Phantom Menace is still quite enjoyable.
George Lucas had his own ideas about where to take Star Wars, but the fan hate that Phantom Menace (and the other prequels) received took the wind out of his sails. He laid the groundwork in Phantom Menace, with that talk about the highly maligned midichlorians. Now, midichlorians were an awful idea. J.J. Abrams is right to leave them out of the sequel trilogy. The idea of little microscopic organelles in your blood giving you the ability to tap into the Force? It creates so many problems. Like, if you have more midichlorians in your blood than someone else, does that automatically make you more powerful? Can we therefore rank numerically every character by midichlorian count and deduce who the most powerful is? Can you get a blood transfusion from a Jedi and steal his or her Jedi powers? That’s the kind of shit that fans hate on. Why couldn’t Lucas leave the Force alone with all its mystery intact?
Because he was going somewhere with that. Lucas came up with the name and concept of midichlorians back in 1977; the idea is very old. Now we understand why. George was also setting up the final trilogy, the one that J.J. is currently finishing. Episodes VII through IX “were going to get into a microbiotic world,” George Lucas told James Cameron. So, like Ant-Man? “There’s this world of creatures that operate differently than we do. I call them the Whills. And the Whills are the ones who actually control the universe. They feed off the Force.” Fans recall that “Whills” is an old word. The first Star Wars novelization refers to the entire saga as The Journal of the Whills. In Lucas’ own sequel trilogy, Jedi were to be merely “vehicles for the Whills to travel around in…And the conduit is the midichlorians. The midichlorians are the ones that communicate with the Whills. The Whills, in a general sense, they are the Force.”
Like Ant-Man meets Dr. Strange meets The Fantastic Voyage, maybe. With lightsabers? Terrible; undoubtedly awful. I can’t even fathom how he would have executed this idea. The fans would have rioted. You think the hate that fandom gives Disney today is intense? Imagine if George’s microscopic version got made.
But at least George had a vision.
Lucas wasn’t about making the trilogies the same. Having watched both The Force Awakens and Phantom Menace recently on Netflix, it’s clear that J.J. made a better movie that feels more like Star Wars. Flawed, yes, but it seemed to be setting up some pretty epic storytelling (until Rian Johnson took a shit all over it with his left turn Last Jedi.) J.J.’s Star Wars is better acted, paced and edited. The dialogue is far less stiff. But George’s Phantom Menace has something that J.J.’s Force Awakens does not: daring imagination.
One of the most successful sequences in Episode I is the pod race. It’s completely irrelevant to the story, which is one of the many problems, but on its own, it is a glistening example of George’s unfettered imagination. In 1999, this race was unimaginably new. The only thing that came close was the speeder bike chase in 1983’s Return of the Jedi, primitive as it was. Lucas broke new ground in multiple ways with his prequels, whether you like his innovations or not, and primitive CG characters aside. People complain that J.J.’s Star Wars is just a soft reboot. Well, watch Phantom Menace if that’s not your cup of tea. The pod race, at least. Lucas combined his love of race cars with science fiction and directed one of the best race sequences in the genre. In any genre. Even little Jake Lloyd shone in that cockpit, confidently flying himself to victory.
It’s a shame that pod race sequence was completely unnecessary. I mean, you’re telling me Liam Neeson couldn’t figure out any other way to get off that planet, other than a complicated scheme of betting; gambling on a child pod racer? Liam was supposed to be a goddamned Jedi master. They keep talking about how much time they’re wasting on the planet, but they wait to see how this damned race plays out? A race that could have killed a little kid! Weird choices. If you were a Jedi, you could have figured out dozens of faster and safer ways to get off that planet, right?
Once they do finally get off that planet, the Jedi arrive home on the capitol world Coruscant. This was a bit of fan service, something that they wanted to see more of, since it had been such an important part of comics, novels and production artwork. Cloud City aside, it was the first real time we saw an urban city environment on Star Wars. True to form, Lucas made the whole planet one environment, in this case a city. It was also some of the most brilliant visual designs on the prequel trilogy, one which would set the tone for the two movies that followed.
For better or for worse, Lucas spent much of the prequel trilogy defining who the Jedi were. What they could do, what they couldn’t, and what they believed in. We learned of the “living Force”, and oodles of Jedi wisdom about attachment and fear. Jedi couldn’t marry, which was surprising, considering the Skywalker bloodline is the entire focus of the saga. Yet George was throwing tons of ideas at us. Stuff that he had been keeping in dusty old notebooks for years. Nothing in the sequel trilogy comes close to revealing as much about the Star Wars universe as the prequels do.
Though Phantom Menace is the movie with the most cringe-worthy moments, wooden dialogue and shitty acting, there are the odd scenes that George did artistically and perfect. Take the moment that Anakin and friends arrive on Coruscant, an overwhelming moment for the little boy. George shot some of the footage from kid-height, allowing us to experience Anakin’s anxiety without clumsy dialogue. The aforementioned pod race sequence is brilliant, and so is the final lightsaber duel. For the first time, serious acrobatics and martial arts moves were incorporated into the laser sword battles. This went on to define how the Jedi normally fought throughout all the prequels: with a lot of jumping, leaping, and somersaulting. For all the epic duels in the saga, one of the greatest (if not number one) is Kenobi and Jinn vs. Darth Maul. From John Williams’ score (“Duel of the Fates”) to the choreography by Nick Gillard, it was focused through George Lucas’ lens into something absolutely brain-melting. Until Darth Maul lost like a chump. No excusing that; although remember that George did something similar to Boba Fett in Episode VI.
The droid designs were also pretty cool. As iconic as a stormtrooper? No. But sleek, interesting, new and believable? Absolutely. This helped shape the visually stunning Naboo land battle scenes. J.J. didn’t introduce any new infantry troops in his movie, he just updated the existing ones.
There was one thing that The Force Awakens and The Phantom Menace did equally well. One very important thing that neither gets enough credit for: they made us anticipate the next film in the trilogies with hunger. (Until Rian Johnson pissed all over J.J.’s ending, that is.) Both films’ endings felt like the setup for events we couldn’t wait to see on screen. The training of Anakin/Rey, for example. A clue to the truth about the big bad guys (Sidious/Snoke). The next meeting between good and evil. J.J. and George both succeeded in creating this feeling of heavy anticipation.
By the time all three prequel movies played out, each problematic with wooden acting and stiff stories, fans were burned out on prequel-era Star Wars. The Clone Wars TV show did a better job of living in that universe, but fans longed for the old familiar again. X-Wings and Han Solo and the Empire and all of it. So that’s what J.J. delivered. And J.J. Abrams learned what we all know: there is no pleasing Star Wars fans.
We fans take this stuff too seriously sometimes. You’ve just read 1500 words, comparing Star Wars movies’ strengths and flaws. That’s excessive, for both the reader and the writer! We take this too seriously, friend. Sure, we don’t go and harass the actors on Twitter like some juvenile delinquents do, but we’ve invested so much time and thought into a goddamn space movie series. Too late to turn back now. I think it’s important to take a break, step back and appreciate the movies from a different perspective. Having done that with Phantom Menace, I can see it has its mitigating traits that still make me smile 20 years later.
I used to loathe tribute bands – those acts that get up on stage and play entire sets of another band. There was “Runs N’ Your Hoses”, for example, a Guns N’ Roses tribute act. In the late 80s and early 90s, these tribute bands plagued the Toronto music scene, chocking out acts playing original music. M.E.A.T Magazine went on a holy crusade against these bands, and refused to give coverage to any of them. I thought that was a good idea. Eventually the Toronto scene flourished with band after band playing original songs.
Things have changed completely in the last 30 years and tribute acts are no longer a scourge like they once were. They co-exist with original bands, sharing the scene. However until recently, I still found tribute bands somewhat embarrassing. Why would I want to go see four guys dressed as Kiss? Sure, it’s cheaper than seeing the real band, and they would play songs that Kiss would not, but still: it’s not Kiss. Kiss tribute bands are a funny thing. Usually the Genes look good, but the Pauls don’t look like Stanley and the Peters are pudgy. I can’t suspend my disbelief enough to get into the act. You’ll also see AC/DC tribute bands, with the guitarist wearing shorts and the singer sporting a train conductor hat. That’s usually as far as it goes, with the rest of the band just showing up in the street clothes. I guess if you are out with friends with nothing to do, you could catch a set of AC/DC tunes for a few bucks.
I took a bit of flack a few months ago when I saw an ad for an Oasis tribute band. The picture showed two guys in Oasis haircuts, obviously meant to be the Liam and Noel of the band. Something about that picture struck me as utterly ridiculous. The haircuts – I mean, do you look like Liam and Noel on your days off? Why not go up there and play the Oasis songs as yourselves? It’s not like Oasis are an image-based band like Kiss (and Angus Young to a lesser degree). You can do Oasis songs without the hair.
A guy who plays in a Queen tribute band chastised me for my blanket stance on tributes. His own band worked hard on nailing the songs, practising until they were perfect. He makes original music in his spare time, quite different from the Queen stuff. He considered the tribute band a form of art, something you could do really poorly or work hard at it and do really well. And it’s not like you can go and see Queen (or Oasis) whenever you want. I didn’t mean to shit all over his livelihood. Surely I couldn’t be the only one who saw the Oasis hair and thought it was a bit silly? His Queen band look the part. He wears a big curly Brian May wig, and his Freddie impersonator looks spot-on. He’s a respectable progressive rock guitarist, and I have to consider that. He knows his stuff and he does music for a living. People love the Queen act, even if I don’t get it.
A little later down the road, I met a music nut named Tony. He asked me if I played any instruments. Alas, I do not. “My brother plays in an Oasis tribute band,” he said. My jaw dropped. Holy shit.
His brother was in the Oasis band with the haircuts that I had been mocking earlier!
I laughed and confessed to him what I had been saying about the Oasis tribute. We talked a bit. I began to appreciate the tribute a bit more. The band, called Supersonic, played all over the place in both Canada and the US. They’ve done big gigs; they’ve played the Horseshoe tavern and all kinds of festivals. Clearly, people at large don’t have a problem with tribute bands. Just me. I don’t hear anybody else complaining about them.
So what’s my problem?
I guess I’m starting to warm up to the idea of tribute bands. I admit, I’d rather see a guitar player get up there as himself, and not wear a Brian May wig. It reminds me a bit of highschool air bands. But when you have a guy up there dressed to the nines like Freddie Mercury, it would seem silly not to have a Brian May lookalike standing next to him, right?
I need to rethink my position. Perhaps they enrich the music scene and fill a demand that the original bands can’t? Some, like The Iron Maidens, have even recorded albums! Few things have changed as much as music has in the last 30 years, and we now seem to be living in a time when a tribute act is a legitimate enterprise. The biggest tribute bands seem to have a gimmick beyond just doing the songs or the look. Hayseed Dixie, for example, used to do bluegrass covers of AC/DC before they diversified to Kiss and other classic rockers. Then there are all-female acts like AC/DShe, Hells Belles and the aforementioned Iron Maidens. Like any kind of band, there are good and bad ones. I think it might be time to stop overlooking the good.
I’ve been avoiding downtown Kitchener for the last couple years. All that construction (five years’ worth) installing our new light-rail transit system…it’s been hellacious. But that construction is now over, and the LRT train (called the ION) is running every 15 minutes. Only two years behind schedule! And guess where one of the stops is? Right by legendary record store Encore Records. Perfect! No need to worry about parking.
Mrs. LeBrain and I hopped on a bus to the mall, and a few minutes later the train pulled in. Using the free Wi-fi, I live-streamed myself making goofy faces on our new train. The ride was quiet and fast since it only stopped a handful of times. These new trains are lovely! Now that they are finally running, I can see that the headaches will be worth it. Clean and quick – I’d use the ION again. It’s a shame but there are still people who hate the train so much that they would actually like to spend taxpayer money on ripping up the tracks! What a waste that would be. Let’s give this LRT a fair shake.
We disembarked the train at the City Hall stop, only a brief walk from Encore. Not only was this my first ride on the train, but also my first visit to Encore since they moved from their old Queen St. location. The new store, though not wheelchair accessible, seemed bigger and cleaner. Old pal Al “The” King was there, happily still slinging the rock for us patrons.
We chatted a bit. Al really enjoyed working at Encore. There was a guy that I trained at my old Record Store about 15 years ago. He left shortly after to work at Encore, and he’s still there! When you find a place you enjoy working, I guess you stay!
Time to go look at music….
It didn’t take long for me to exceed my budget for the day. First snag was from the new release rack: The Beaches’ excellent new EP The Professional, $9.99. A great recording; it will be getting a few spins this summer. Next: the used CD racks. Plenty of stock as usual. I came looking for old Styx, but there was no used Styx that I needed. Instead I grabbed three Scorpions remasters: World Wide Live (with DVD), Savage Amusement (with DVD), and Animal Magnetism. $20 each.
Whoops! I already owned Animal Magnetism. No big deal; looks like some lucky person will be getting a free copy from me. I really have to keep track of reissues better. This is happening more and more frequently as my collection grows.
I still wanted some more classic Styx. I’ve been playing my Styx albums repeatedly. I needed some more classics to throw in the shuffle, so I moved on to the new CD racks. There I picked up Pieces of Eight and Crystal Ball. $9.99 each. One by one and I’ll get them all.
Continuing through the racks of new stock, I spied two Kick Axe remasters by Rock Candy. I’ve wanted both these albums for a long time: Vices and Welcome to the Club, $22.99 each. I’ve spun through both twice and was impressed with both the music and liner notes. What an underrated singer George Criston is. This sparked more Kick Axe purchases later on Discogs and Amazon. The third album, Rock the World, is coming in the form of another Rock Candy remaster. And thanks to the excellent liner notes inside Vices, I also tracked down some early Kick Axe on Discogs. Debut single “Week-End Ride” / “One More Time” from 1981 is inbound! Also coming, from the same year, is a compilation LP called Playboy Street Rock. Kick Axe have a live track on that called “Reality is the Nightmare”. It’s going to be cool hearing those early songs, which had a different singer.
It’s funny about Kick Axe. One of the first buttons I ever bought for my jacket was Vices. It only took close to 40 years to finally get the album.
Finally we closed the Encore trip with some vinyl. A lovely reissue of Alice Cooper’s Zipper Catches Skin, on clear “black smoke” vinyl. It looks and sounds great, and now I finally have all the Alice Cooper studio albums.
We bid farewell to Al and headed home again on the ION. Now that the train is up and running, I do believe I’ll be making Encore a fairly regular weekend stop.
Aaron of KMA fame is known far and wide for his generosity and creativity in finding the perfect gifts. He was worried about this one. Sending a digipack CD in a bubble mailer doesn’t always guarantee safe arrival. He threw some plastic wrap around it as an extra layer of protection from the elements. His precautions did the trick and now I am the happy owner of a signed copy of Alice Cooper’s Paranormal!
A great album, Paranormal is a fully-loaded deluxe double CD with a smoking live disc. And now I have a signed copy to top it off. Aaron and I briefly discussed what the hell would make someone trade in a signed Alice CD? I didn’t have anything signed by Alice, until now. This is a first for my collection. Whatever the circumstances, I’m glad to be the benefactor.
Thanks Aaron — you know my “Paranoiac Personality” very well!
July 1995 was a very complex month, at least for a young 22 year old guy living in Canada, not yet named LeBrain.
The girl I really liked had just broken up with her boyfriend — a guy in our circle of friends named Nick. Just about everybody in the world knew I had a crush on her. She dumped him one weekend when I was at the cottage. My buddy Aaron called me long distance just to tell me! Nick was a bit of a cock sometimes, but I tried to be reasonably respectful to him. I thought I should wait three weeks until I made any move.
By mid-July I still hadn’t done anything, although I talked to the girl just about every day. My 23rd birthday was coming up, and a small group of friends decided to throw a party. It was a joint birthday party — another girl with the same mutual friends had a birthday the same week as me. We combined everything into one party, in my parents’ basement. Aaron was there, my wingman. He was good at making people laugh, so that was always helpful when I didn’t know what to say around girls. And of course, the girl I liked was coming too!
We decided on a murder mystery party, and we were supposed to be dressed somewhat in character. I think I was a race car driver. Crush-girl dressed as a gypsy. Oh my God. I was well on my way to bonertown. She even did an accent for her character. Schwing!
One of my friends that came gave me my first copy of Rush’s 2112. That alone would have made it a memorable birthday. The most memorable thing to me, however, was the final guest to arrive.
Craig arrived late. I didn’t know him, not really. He was there at the invite of the girl who also had a birthday to celebrate. But I certainly knew of him! As soon as he came to the door, I recognized him immediately and with total surprise. Though he was two years older, Craig and I went to the same highschool. We even hung out in the same circles, although we’d never officially met before. He was friends with guys like Bob Schipper and Rob Daniels. In fact, one reason I knew Craig’s face so well was that he was actually on one of the tapes in my VHS Archives! Back in 1989, Rob Daniels was just beginning his career in broadcasting and media. He did a public service ad for Rogers cable. He wrote and directed “One More For the Road”, an anti-drinking and driving ad. Bob Schipper played the victim. Craig played the drunk driver. I had a copy. I knew every line of dialogue in that ad. It was actually really well made with a killer soundtrack. Bon Jovi’s “Bad Medicine” is playing from the car stereo when Bob is struck down in his prime.
Some great acting from Bob
I excitedly greeted Craig at the door and told him of our mutual highschool friends. He looked exactly the same except for the hair, which was now long and in a ponytail. He was a short fella, funny and well read. How cool was it that we happened to have all these connections, and then just run into each other at my own birthday party?
I was having the best time!
As the day wore on and guests began to leave, I was looking forward to spending a little more time with the girl I liked. The only issue: Craig didn’t seem to want to leave. Worse, he was really making conversation with my crush. A little too much conversation.
I sat there smiling, helplessly thinking of something to do. I suggested that I wanted to eat, and I think he helped himself to stay for pizza or whatever we ordered. I didn’t want to be rude. I was on my best behaviour in front of my crush. She was a strong independent woman and there was no way I was going to hint that I was jealous. Inside, I was Hulk-green.
I whispered to Aaron, “Is this guy ever going to leave?” He shrugged. He didn’t know what to do either.
Craig clearly didn’t know about or appreciate the hard work I had been laying these last few weeks. Hell, I was waiting for something to happen with crush girl for months! I knew she was not going to last with Nick. She called me to complain about him often enough. He was too clingy. I was playing a long game. I’d been a sympathetic ear a long time. She flat out told me that if she met me before him, it would have been different. And Craig was sticking his nose in all my patience!
I know that I said earlier that I was trying to give it time out of respect for the other guy, before I made a move. I know that sounds contradictory to the idea of a long game I had been playing for months. It’s not really. There’s a certain code of conduct you had to respect. It was all very complex and mathematical. Having discussed it with Aaron, I was convinced three weeks was the minimum amount of time I had to wait before I asked her on a date. There was also the small matter of stumbling over my words and not knowing at all how to ask her out. I had a serious inhibition there, stuttering and fumbling and turning back.
Extreme had a single called “Tragic Comic” that, ironically, I made a cassette tape of for the birthday girl sharing the party with me that exact dame day. And that song has the line I really identified with: “I’m a stut-tut-terring p-poet.”
It was dark out before Craig finally left, having failed in his quest to sway my crush his way. I decided that was to be our first and last meeting! My day began on such a high, and ended with me tense and frustrated. We all headed our separate ways, and I went to bed brooding.
Time was up. She wasn’t going to wait forever. (In fact, she didn’t — little did I know, she banged some other guy a couple weeks earlier. I think he rode a motorcycle, or something. But I didn’t know.) I finally worked myself up, said something stupid, she said yes, and I danced around the house playing air guitar.
It was so simple in hindsight. All I had to do was be myself. She already liked me, pimples and all. So we dated that summer and it was awesome! On one of my first lunch dates with my new girl, we were at an outdoor patio in Elora, and that was the first time I ever heard “Sign of the Southern Cross” by Black Sabbath. Yes, on an outdoor patio on a lunch date in Elora. Who else can make that claim? It was a good summer; nay a great summer. The year I turned 23 will always be burned into my memory. The birthday I got 2112, and met Craig the attempted-wicked-woman-stealer. Pretty summer-defining events!
Mrs. LeBrain and I have been downsizing of late, and getting rid of old stuff we don’t need anymore. In the process we have discovered lots of cool treasures we have been hanging onto. In the last few months I’ve shown you a treasure trove of cassette and VHS rediscoveries, and things keep turning up all the time. The lady that helped us downsize, Elanda, didn’t understand why I needed to hang onto old yearbooks and CDs. This kind of thing is important to me. I’ve built an entire series of stories on nostalgia! Preserving this stuff, to me, is preserving musical history. It’s a part of the extended story of these bands. It’s my autobiography.
Another great place to find old treasures is the parents’ basement. I didn’t realize they hung on to some of my old, beat up highschool notebooks. The covers are falling off, but like an archaeologist, I have to preserve this stuff for posterity. Look what I found!
I didn’t just scribble band logos on my notebooks. I painted them on. My mother had a basement full of paints for her ceramics classes. I had access to all the brushes, colours and textures you could ask for. Most of the paints I used were water soluble, so I probably sprayed this binder with a clear coat to protect the paint. 30 years later, my artwork is still about 90% intact.
The Van Halen, Def Leppard, Dio, and Van Halen logos are self explanatory. Look a little further. I took the trouble of drawing Ratt’s titular mascot using three colours, including silver for his sunglasses. The lightning bolts here are there are meant to be a reference to Frehley’s Comet. (From looking over my homework inside, it seems I also signed my name with a lightning bolt.) In the bottom front corner of the binder, “Dawn Was Here” was written on there by one of my sister’s annoying friends who took ceramics class at our house.
Digging inside, I discovered that I clearly put more effort into the front covers than my English homework.
Next to the very bored notes about American literature are more logos, more lightning bolts, a few grim reapers, and designs for multi-neck guitars. More rats! Cartoon portraits of Gene Simmons (no makeup; it was 1988) and Rob Halford.
Judging by my careless scribbles, it seems I was not a fan of Huck Finn. The notes in English class are not legible and it looks like I didn’t do much homework. That’s not to say I wasn’t working hard in class. Some of the best sketches came from English class. I obviously spent a lot of time on some of them. A page called “Scenes of Death” looks alarming at first, until you look a little closer and notice that one guy is getting jumped by a giant Schnauzer.
My science and history notebooks are much cleaner. Fewer band logos, more meticulously taken notes. Still, found of portrait of Satan in my History book. I was trying to copy the style of Derek Riggs.
I’m glad I switched out from a Catholic grade school to a mainstream high school. My logo and Satan drawing skills certainly flourished there, even if my appreciation for Huck Finn did not.
Unless you’re a teenager buying booze with your fake ID, nobody likes being mistaken for older than they actually are.
When I was in my 30s, people used to think I was in my 20s. I looked younger and I dressed younger because I worked at a Record Store and I could get away with it. I bleached my hair, had piercings, and flashy shirts. I saw people working at hair salons looking like rock stars so I thought the same could work for me in a Record Store. Eventually I had a collection of over 30 flashy shirts. I don’t think my bosses were impressed with my new image, but it was a hit with the ladies.
I loved looking younger than my actual age but all good things come to an end.
After quitting the store I wanted to change my line of work and look more professional. The fancy shirts went into a closet. The pleather pants were saved for Halloween. The hair was toned down. Eventually it started to go grey. My beard turned white and I got fat. It can happen to anyone.
I own the “old man” schtick now, but there is still one thing that I hate. And I do mean hate.
Mrs. LeBrain is a little younger than me (I’m a 1972 model and she’s a 1978), but not by a significant difference. Where she wins is a natural youthful look. People always mistake her for someone much younger. She loves being asked for ID. That kind of thing makes her day. What pisses me off is when people mistake me for her father! And it keeps happening!
I took Jen to the hospital to have some tests done (no worries, all good) and had about an hour to kill. I had an mp3 player loaded up with Kiss. Because Heavy Metal OverloRd had been talking about Hotter Than Hell (a personal favourite and among the first Kiss records I ever owned), I decided to take a nice morning walk while listening to that album. When done I progressed onward to Rock and Roll Over. It was a lovely morning filled with cool summer breezes, trainspotting, and Paul Stanley at his peak.
I got back in good time and soon a nurse called to tell me Jen was all set to go. She led me to her bed, and I saw a big bright smile on her face. It’s the smile that keeps me going every day. “Hi ‘dad’!” she said grinning. I was confused. Did she have a seizure? Was she really mistaking me for her dad?
No, she was playing around. The nurse asked if she wanted them to call “her father” to come and get her. Me being her father! Jesus Murphy….
I hate, hate, hate being mistaken for her father! I didn’t even have my big white beard!
I’ll let it slide because those nurses did a great job as always, but c’mon!
I looked exactly like the guy in the photograph below. I don’t think he looks old enough to be Jen’s dad, do you?
The hat, maybe? The day I took Jen to the hospital I was wearing a Van Halen T-shirt and camo shorts with shoes and socks.
I have since shed the locks; a mixture of “shit brown” (my dad’s words) and grey highlights. I now rock the bald head again, but do I look any younger? I don’t think so.
It’s a game I just can’t win! Though it doesn’t really matter does it? Jen prefers me with less hair, and it’s a lot less work. I was just keeping it long just to have long hair at Sausagefest for once. I enjoyed that (it also kept my neck from getting burned), but long hair doesn’t feel nice in the summer time. It’s time to go back to what feels good!
I have a birthday coming up this week, but I’m not old. Just older!
This blue Scotch tape has seen a lot of use over the years. It was my first blank tape, 120 minutes. This cassette was well loved. Back in ’83, it contained open-air recordings of songs like “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” and “The Mighty Quinn”. At some point in history (early 1991) I must have recorded over it. Let’s have a listen.
Play ►
I have a feeling I know what it is now. Sounds like something I recorded for a girl! It would have been for my long distance crush Tammy.
This tape was never anything more than a cheap cassette, and it sounds awfully horrendous today. The contents, however, are still identifiable. The reason I never sent it to her was that it didn’t pass the sound quality test when I played it back. That was the shitty thing about cassettes. You could pour hours into making something, and then abandon the entire project.
I’m writing this in real time as I listen. If I’m right about my original intentions with this cassette, then I know that I’m going to find a specific song buried somewhere in the track list. Let’s find out.
Side 1
1. Tesla – “Love Song”
The acoustic intro to the song made a perfect run-in for this lovey-dovey tape. I’ll spare the identity of the poor girl who this was made for, but she knows! This Tesla ballad is still utterly perfect. Off to a good start.
2. Kiss – “Shout It Out Loud”
Whew, I sure am glad it’s not all ballads. This track took me by surprise. I’m glad I used a classic Kiss rocker as the second track, instead of pandering for romance with “Reason to Live”. Good for me!
3. Cheap Trick – “The Flame”
I read a lot of hate for this song today. In the 80s, it was my favourite Cheap Trick and it’s still in my top five. It may be a ballad but like the Tesla one, it’s utterly perfect. This tape is now clearly made for a girl. I’d never do 2/3 ballads for my opening trio otherwise.
4. Warrant – “Thin Disguise”
Here I go again with the rarities! She loved Warrant but there is no way she had this song unless she had the cassette single for “Cherry Pie”. I did — I collected that stuff even back then. Turns out the B-side “Thin Disguise” is one of the best Warrant tracks, even today. It’s an acoustic/electric killer. Jani wrote some incredible songs in his time. This is one.
5. Warrant – “I Saw Red (Acoustic version)”
Another rarity, this time from the “I Saw Red” cassette single. I think this simple acoustic track (just Jani and a guitar) is better than the bombastic A-side version. Even then, I was trying to impress a girl with my music collection — how comical is that?
6. Kiss – “Reason to Live”
Ahh shit, there it is! That is hilarious.
7. Cinderella – “Nobody’s Fool”
OK, I’m getting a little sick of the power ballads now. The cool thing is, I know for a fact that I taped this off a cassette that she gave me for Christmas called Rulers of Rock. I wanted to show that I appreciated the gift by including this song. Kind of like when your favourite aunt gave you a sweater and you had to wear it when she was over to visit.
Enough with the ballads though. Let’s get a rocker next. Let’s hope for a rocker.
8. Kim Mitchell – “Easy to Tame”
Well, it’s not a ballad, but it ain’t a rocker either. Kim Mitchell was a good way into a girl’s heart in the late 80s and early 90s. Everybody loved “Patio Lanterns”. “Easy to Tame” was kind of like it’s cooler, lesser known cousin.
9. Paul Stanley – “Hold Me, Touch Me (Think Of Me When We’re Apart)”
Jesus fuck! I went full ballad. This was probably my favourite ballad of all time back then. Stanley’s guitar solo is flawlessly written and executed. And I got three Kiss songs right there on side one.
10. Kiss – “I’ll Be Back”
Four! Four Kiss songs! What a wild inclusion, too. This is a brief, very quick, Beatles tune done a-cappella for Kiss eXposed on VHS. I dubbed this from the video for a “soundtrack tape” that I made, and then recorded it here tape to tape. Just a filler between two other songs, but fuck…that’s cool.
11. Killer Dwarfs – “Doesn’t Matter”
At least this ballad has balls. We played this song a lot the previous summer. Bob had the cassette for Dirty Weapons, and he loved this song. A couple years later it was still good enough to include on their next album Method to the Madness. It’s still great.
12. Triumph – “Let the Light (Shine on Me)”
I’m getting steadily more and more disgusted with myself as the ballads play on. This one was recorded from the 7″ single, but at this point I don’t care and I just want the side to be over so I can flip the tape.
13. Quiet Riot – “Don’t Wanna Let You Go”
I’ll let myself off with a warning here, because this electric song is still pretty great. Truthfully, I included it hoping she’d like it, as Quiet Riot wasn’t really her thing. I was feeling nostalgic for the early 80s, the simplicity and quality of the Metal Health era. You didn’t need a ballad to have a hit then, and indeed “Don’t Wanna Let You Go” isn’t a single. Even in this shitty tape, Carlos’ guitar sound incredible.
14. Slaughter – “Fly to the Angels (Acoustic version)”
I put this on because she loved Slaughter but didn’t have a CD player, and this was a CD bonus track.
Side 2
I need a break from all the balladeering, but I have a feeling the mush will be just as relentless. On the whole of side 1, there was only one track that you could call a rocker!
1. Judas Priest – “Out in the Cold”
Here it is! Yes, I sure do remember making this tape. The main motivation was — get this — to trick her into liking Judas Priest.
She hated Priest. Meanwhile, we were in the Painkiller era and I was riding a Priest high. I planned to write this song on the cover as:
1. Exciter – “Out in the Cold”
I used an alias (disregarding the thrash band with the same name because I know she wouldn’t recognize it) because I wanted her to hear this awesome Priest song with no preconceived notions. I wanted her to love it. I never found out since the cassette sounds so terribly bad and I never sent it, but this proves that I remembered my intentions correctly.
This sheds a new light on all the balladry. I was trying to really lull her in. I figured I needed a tape with nothing but the best soft songs in the world to really get her with the mighty Priest. It’s all coming back to me now.
2. Frehley’s Comet – “It’s Over Now”
I didn’t think she would know this one, but I hoped she’d like it. I was a big proponent of the second Frehley disc, appropriately called Second Sighting. I always thought this song should have been a huge, huge hit. I was hoping she would agree. Unusually for a Frehley song (but wiser from a commercial ballad point of view), it has both lead vocals and lead guitar by Tod Howarth.
3. Frozen Ghost – “Promises”
This one takes me completely by surprises. It’s a great song, but I didn’t have it back then. My sister did — I must have poached it from her collection for this tape. Bob played this a lot in the car over the last couple summers, so our whole gang would remember it fondly. She would have been in the car when we were rocking Frozen Ghost. Lead singer Arnold Lanni later went on to become quite a successful producer. Guitarist Phil X made it even bigger, now touring the world with Bon Jovi!
4. Lee Aaron – “Only Human”
I don’t think this is one of Lee’s finer moments, but I thought she’d like it, so on it went.
5. Winger – “Miles Away”
Putrid. Just awful. Fast forwarding.
6. AC/DC – “Moneytalks”
Holy shit! Finally a rock song. AC/DC were huge in ’90-’91. I couldn’t have gone wrong with AC/DC. Then why the fuck didn’t I include more? “Who Made Who”. “You Shook Me All Night Long”. Everybody likes those songs. Holy shitballs.
7. Motley Crue – “Home Sweet Home”
Tammy had Dr. Feelgood before I did, but I don’t know if she would have Theater of Pain back then. There was no such thing as a Motley greatest hits (can you imagine such a world?) so I thought this would be nice for her to have.
8. Van Halen – “Dreams”
OK, probably not a ballad. Very keyboard-heavy. Very easy to enjoy, and Van Hagar were still cool as fuck.
9. Van Halen – “Dancing in the Streets”
Some folks that are not necessarily Van Halen fans really like their version of “Dancing in the Streets”. It’s probably better than Bowie/Jagger, at least. I’m pleased with myself for including both Sammy and Dave on this tape, and one after the other no less!
10. REZ – “Shadows”
Woah! Deep cut. This was a tape, of a tape, of a tape, of a tape. You can imagine what it sounds like today. Bob and I loved this song by the Christian rock band REZ, formerly Resurrection Band. You can see that I snuck in a few unfamiliar songs like this, hoping she’d get into them. This one is pretty easy to like. Total shock to find it here.
11. Kiss – “Hard Luck Woman”
Kiss Count: five.
12. Brighton Rock – “One More Try”
This also comes as a surprise. Then I think to myself that my music collection wasn’t very large back then and I would have to pull a few obscure ones out. If I remember the details clearly, Tammy had MTV and so didn’t necessarily hear as much Canadian content like Brighton Rock.
13. AC/DC – “You Shook Me All Night Long”
Ah, good. What’s interesting to me about this is that at this point of the tape, the right channel is completely inaudible. So all I get is Angus (no Malcolm), Brian, and maybe half of Phil Rudd.
To my surprise, that is the last song. Usually I snuck something short and goofy at the end of a tape. “You Shook Me All Night Long” does make a good final song….
Wait!
I didn’t erase the tape to the end! There is something left at the tail. Older contents; older than 1991.
It’s “On the Road to Rock” by Kick Axe! It is a mystery how that song got on this tape in the first place, as I didn’t own it back then and don’t even own it now. I must have recorded it off someone. Who, I have no idea. Perhaps my next door neighbour George had it. It was him or Bob, but I’ll never know for sure. George is gone now and Bob wouldn’t remember.
Knowing when I made this tape, and all the motivations behind it doesn’t forgive it for being a piece of shit. I did a shitty job here folks! Too many ballads, not enough variety. It’s a real slog to listen to without a fast forward button. At least half of those ballads could be axed, and replaced with something else that I had in my collection at that time.
Usually when you make a tape for someone, you give it away and never hear it again. In this case I had the rare chance to play back a mix tape that I made 28 years ago and never sent. It’s just as bad as I feared though not without some surprises and the odd cool inclusion.
That blue Scotch tape, an ancient C-120, goes back to at least 1983 making it 36 years old at minimum. 120 minute tapes are never any good, and this one was always particularly cheap. Now that I’ve satisfied my curiosity, I will never play this tape again.
mikeladano.com 