Jen In Space: Mission One – A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

Jen In Space: Mission One

A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

Immediately following the events of Tee Bone Man Chapter 22:  Enter the Durling Foundation

The uniformed man at the reception desk looked up over his spectacles.  His eyebrows raised and he immediately stood at attention.  Before him stood a blonde girl holding an acoustic guitar, a smile beaming from her face.

“Jennifer Ladano reporting for duty!” she announced.

“Yes!  Mrs. Ladano.  We’ve been expecting you.  Please, put your things down here behind my desk.  We’ll make sure everything gets properly loaded.  Come with me please?  We have so much to do before your journey.”

“Thank you so much,” answered the woman as she handed over her purse and guitar.  But please, call me Mrs. Brainiac.  That’s what my teammates call me.”

The man smiled.  “Ah yes!  We were filled in on the details by your liason, a Tee Bone Man?”  Jen nodded in acknowledgement.  “It says here your trip is being funded by the Durling Foundation, and American magnate John Snow.  Impressive stuff.  How did you hook up with those kinds of people, if you don’t mind me asking?  That’s pretty rarified air.”

“Through my husband,” she answered with a hint of sadness.  “He and his friend co-founded our group, the Northern Lights.  But…he was killed in battle.  I’m carrying on his mission in his name.  I work directly for Tee Bone Man, who I see you’re familiar with.  He’s a superhero, and the Northern Lights are here to protect us all.  My mission is to be his eyes in space.  That’s why I signed on for this flight.”

Impressed, the man checked off some boxes on a clipboard.

“And the guitar?” he asked.

“I used to play.  I thought I’d take it up again, entertain the crew.  They say it can get pretty quiet in space.”

The man smiled.  “You’d think that, but it’s actually a fallacy.  The fact of the matter is, there are so many pumps and fans and machines constantly working to keep you alive on a spaceship, there’s always some background noise.  You get used to it, though.”

Jen didn’t look concerned.  “I brought my earbuds, too.”

The man pointed ahead to a big blue beauty of a ship outside a massive observation window.  “You’re going to like the Galaxy Explorer,” he enthused.  “It’s the latest in space technology.  I understand Snow undersigned the whole project.  Deep pockets!”  He stopped walking and got serious a moment.  “You seem like a nice person.  You have some pretty powerful friends.  Are you sure you’re up for this?”

“I need to do this,” she answered simply.

“OK,” said the man.  Let’s get you suited up and introduce you to the crew.  We call them the Fantastic Four!”

Jen was now in a blue spacesuit.  She held a white helmet under her arm.  She insisted on blue.  Eventually, they found one in storage.  She was adamant:  she would not wear another team’s colours!  Nobody seemed to know what she meant, but she was now happily in the right suit.

“Gentlemen!” said the man to the four astronauts waiting to board.  “Let me introduce you to your special passenger.  This is Mrs. Brainiac.  If you’ve read your mission briefings, which I know you haven’t, then you’ll know she’s being overseen by John T. Snow and the Durling Foundation!  This means anything she needs, you get it.  Understood?”

“Yes Admiral!” the four answered with salutes.

“Admiral?  You didn’t tell me you were an admiral!” said Jen with shock as she awkwardly saluted.

“Stand down Mrs. Brainiac,” he smiled.  “You’re not enlisted and you don’t have to salute.  And you can just call me Doug.  Clear?  Now, here are your crewmates for this mission!”  Each astronaut shook her hand in turn.  “We call them the Fantastic Four because, well, you’ll understand why.  In the red spacesuit, this is Captain Frank Kerman, mission commander.  Also in red, this is Commander Fred Dika, second in change.  In white, science officer Fritz DeAngelis.  And finally, also in white, geologist Finn Oxford.”

Jen’s head spun.  “Frank…Fred…Fritz…and Finn.  This won’t get confusing at all.  I apologize in advance for messing up all your names!”

The group laughed.  Captain Frank patted her on the back.  “No problem and welcome to the team, Mrs. Brainiac.  Contrary to the Admiral’s assumptions, I have read the mission briefings twice.  Your husband was a hero ma’am.  I am sorry for your loss.”

“It’s OK,” she mumbled.  “Let’s see our ship.”

Captain Frank extended his hand.  “Follow me ma’am.  Admiral?”

The Admiral saluted.  “Safe travels, Captain.  Moon and back.  Simple as apple pie.”

“Simple as pie,” saluted the Captain in return.

“This is so exciting!” said Jen as the quintet boarded through the rear ramp.  The ramp led up to an airlock with a moon rover docked and locked down.  Jen’s guitar was stowed on a wall.  Through the airlock, the astronauts entered the ship’s main quarters.

“Welcome aboard the Galaxy Explorer!  State of the art, and our home for the next two weeks!”

On the outside, the sleek delta shaped ship was decked out in classic blue, grey and yellow.  Inside, it was equipped with all the latest tech.  Jen’s eyes were wide in awe.

“There’s so many controls!  These were not in the manuals I studied!” she gasped.

Science Officer Fritz smiled at her.  “Don’t worry about all that, this is my territory.  As science officer, I’m qualified on every station on board this ship.”

“So…what do I do?” asked Jen.

“Right now, you get your helmet on and strap in, because it’s T-minus 30 minutes to launch!” answered Captain Frank.  “Jen, for the launch, I’d be honoured if you’d sit in the cockpit with us.  Finn…geologists in the back!”

“But I called shotgun!” sulked geologist Finn as he took a bunk in the back.

“Helmets on, visors down!” ordered the captain.  “We launch in 30!”

The minutes ticked away slower than any that Jen had ever experienced.  With the Leafs in overtime dying to score a winning goal, the clocks had never seem to move so slowly.  But tick away the minutes did, and soon it was 60 seconds to launch.  The crew flicked switches and issued instructions to each other.  30 seconds.  The engines were already roaring.  20 seconds.  10.  9.  8.  7…

“LAUNCH!” commanded the captain.  The engines ignited in massive flames, dozens of feet in length.  The mighty craft lifted off the ground.  There were no crowds to see our brave crew off.  This mission was top secret, by orders of Tee Bone Man himself.  It was on a need to know basis.  Within the Northern Lights, only Tee Bone, Superdekes, Snowman, and Tim Durling knew where Mrs. Brainiac was.   For her safety, it had to stay that way.  Max the Axe liked to talk.

Contrails of white followed the craft through the sky.  Soon that was all that could be seen.  Shortly after that, even the echo of the mighty engines could not be heard from the ground.

Jen was worried that the three day trip to the moon would be dull, with nothing to take up her time.  Far from it.  The Galaxy Explorer was equipped with the most sensitive observation devices invented to date.  These were provided by Superdekes, and they were already collecting massive amounts of data for Jen to sift through.

“Tee Bone Man wanted me to be his eyes and ears in space,” she signed, “but there is so much here to go through.  There has to be a way to simplify this data.”

She put on her glasses, got an old fashioned pen and paper out, and began writing numbers down.

“Well, I do have an OCD for numbers, I guess I was meant for this job,” she said with determination.

It only took 15 minutes for her to detect the outlines of a pattern in the numbers.  She got the captain’s attention.

“Captain Frank?  Can you tune all ship sensors directly towards the moon?  I’m noticing a strange spike in various signals any time the sensors were on the moon.”

“Copy that, mission specialist.  Tuning all sensors moonward,” responded the Captain.

This was fun!  Jen was enjoying herself.  Being in space even felt good, always floating around in her seat.  She had an idea.

“Captain, requesting streaming access for Hockey Night in Canada on monitor one,” she requested.

“Approved…” answered the captain with hesitation.  “Purpose?” he questioned.

“Oh, just in case the two are connected?” answered Jen with no confidence in her voice.

“Proceed,” answered the captain just as the hockey broadcast hit Jen’s screen.

“Sweet!” she smiled to herself.  “YES!  First goal of the series!!” she exclaimed out loud.

“Repeat that?” asked commander Fred.

“Umm, nothing, just found…an anomaly in the data…” answered Jen with a sly grin.  This was going to be fun for sure.

Three days later, the ship had landed successfully on the moon.  Thanks to Jen’s data analysis, they were able to touch down just where there seemed to be some odd energy patterns.  There was no sign on the ground of anyone having been here before, but there was something strange.  Perhaps several feet under the regolith.  It was hard to tell exactly what they were picking up, but it was here.

Taking shifts, the crew enjoyed some time outside the ship.  Jen even got to drive the moon rover, and didn’t crash it.

Today was her day on the rover again.  The sensors were picking up something in a nearby crater now, and she was sent to investigate.

“Take this,” said Captain Frank as he handed her a laser pistol.  “I know you were trained on how to use this.  Don’t be shy if you have to.”

“Yes Captain,” said Jen.  “I’ll have to tell you the story of my first Thanksgiving with Michael, when he took me to the family cottage and I had to stay in a room with guns hanging from a gunrack made of deer parts.”  The captain looked puzzled.  “It’s a good story,” assured Jen.  “It’s not my first gun is what I’m saying.”

“Ah.  OK.  Good luck, specialist.  Report back in an hour or less.”

“Yes Captain!” saluted Jen.  “Off we go.  Wooooo!”  She gunned the engine of the moon rover and made her way to the crater, kicking up moon dust the whole way behind.

Though she was enjoying driving without a license, she just had to stop and enjoy the view.

“I’ve never seen the stars so clear before,” she marveled.  “Mike would be here telling me the names of the constellations,” she contemplated.

“Did you say Mike??” asked a voice, somehow broadcasting on Jen’s helmet’s channel!

“Who said that??” screamed a startled Jen.  “Who’s there?”  There was nobody there.

“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to scare you.  I knew a Mike.  I wonder if it’s the same one.”  An alien decloaked in front of her eyes.  “I’m sorry for the deception, but there bad people here on the moon.  I have been hiding.  But…you look like someone I can trust.”

Jen could not believe her eyes.  Before her stood an alien, a real alien, all in green, with no spacesuit.  Just hanging out on the moon like it was nobody’s business.

“Well, my friend, I am sorry to tell you that Mike is a very common name back on Earth.”  She paused to point at the big blue globe in the sky.  “That’s where I’m from.  Earth.  Are you from the moon?  Do you have a name?  My name is Jen.”

“My name is Fillmore.  Fillmore West.  I’m from Zeta Reticuli.  I had a spaceship and a crew and everything once, but then an Earthling named Tommy Lee took it all.  I had some human friends.  They were named Fanboy Mike and Edie Van Heelin’…”

Jen’s mouth dropped.  “Did you say…”

“You do know him!” gasped Fillmore.

“I knew both of them,” sighed Jen.  “Mike was my husband.  They’re both gone now, killed in action fighting the forces of evil.”

Fillmore’s expression changed.  Jen assumed he was sad too.  “I’m so sorry.  They were good.  They helped me.  I miss them.”

“I miss my Brainiac,” said Jen, “but you said that there were bad people here on the moon.  Tell me about them.  Can I call you Phil?”

The alien jumped.  “Yes!  You can call me Phil.  The bad people come when the craters are in shadow.  They bring strange cargo.  I know not what for.  I see them.  There is a human.  He wears a spacesuit, like yours, but white and orange.  He has robot bodyguards.  They shoot at me if they see me.  But they have not got me yet!  Phil, Phil is smart!”   The alien pointed at his enormous head.  “I hide!  They can’t find me.”

“You poor thing!” said Jen with empathy.  “But you’re with me now.  I am here with friends.  Would you like to go meet them?”

Phil shuddered.  “No friends, no friends!  Just Jen.”  She could see he was scared of humans, thanks to his experiences with Tommy Lee.  Jen never liked Motley Crue.  Mike didn’t play Motley music around her very often, but when he did…she wasn’t into it, shall we say.  Now she felt more justified than ever.

“OK Phil.  Just you and me.”

“We are friends,” responded the alien.

The hours flew past, and Jen lost track of time.  Her one great weakness.  She chatted with Phil all this time, telling him of Earth pastimes such as baseball and hockey, all the while gleaning crucial pieces of information.  She already knew of Tommy Lee’s involvement with the bad guys threatening Earth.  That much was in her top secret info packet from Tee Bone Man.  Thanks to Phil, she was learning of Lee’s movements and actions.  Multiple trips to Mar-A-Lago, Florida.  A few voyages to space to meet a mysterious benefactor, and several liasons with Satan himself.  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were going to find this information extremely valuable.

Suddenly, she noticed that shadows were creeping over her.  “Oh no…”

Phil looked at her in what she assumed was panic.  “The crater is in shadow!  The bad men…”

On cue, a small spacecraft slowly drifted in shadow over the crater.  It could only be seen by the stars it blocked as it moved.

“Single seater?” asked Jen.

“One passenger,” answered Phil, “But he has battle droids.”

The shadowy ship slowly descended.

“Tell me about the battle droids,” queried Jen.

“Heavily armed,” cautioned Phil.

The craft set down gently.  The cockpit opened, and a ramp opened in the back, from which the two battle droids exited as Phil had warned.  The pilot, in an orange and white spacesuit, looked about.  He did not see them.  The pilot walked towards a large moon rock.  He felt around it, and suddenly the rock moved, revealing a hidden passage on the floor of the crater.  The droids loaded some cargo in the passage.  The pilot then touched the rock again, and it moved back into its previous position.

A droid turned and looked directly at where they were hiding.

Phil turned and looked at Jen.  A bead of sweat ran down her face.  Neither of them moved.  The droid stared.  Jen’s helmet was starting to fog.  Phil looked terrified.

The two sat in their position for what seemed like an eternity.  The droid was motionless.  They could not guess how long they sat there in the regolith without moving.

Finally, the droid turned, and began walking back to the ship.

“Whew!” exclaimed Phil.  “I thought he had us!”

A new voice answered him.

“He did.”

Jen and Phil turned in shock.  The pilot in orange and white stood before them.

 

“He was just buying me time to surround you.  Weapons down.”  The pilot bore a sword and held it to Phil’s long alien neck.

Jen removed her laser gun from her spacesuit and placed it on the ground.  Phil raised his hands in terror.  The second battle droid had joined them.

“Now, who are you, and what are you doing here in this specific crater on the moon?” demanded the pilot.

“We’re the Care Bears,” answered Jen sarcastically.  “And you are?”

The pilot’s gold visor turned transparent, and he revealed his face.  Human.

“I’m just a good Samaritan, stowing medical supplies and food rations in this depot,” he demurred.  “You must forgive my aggressive stance, we get raided by pirates so frequently.”  A smile emerged on his face.  “You seem harmless.  At least without your little ray gun.  My name is Colonel Cooper.  I am a humanitarian and pacifist.”

Phil seemed suddenly relieved, but Jen pushed.

“A pacifist with two beefy battle droids?”

The Colonel smiled.  “Pirates, my dear.  Only for defence.”

“Funny you should say that, because my friend Phil here says you’ve shot at him before.”

He smiled some more.  “A misunderstanding!  Come, let me take you to your ship.  I’m sure you’re not alone and I’d like to meet your friends.”

Jen had to think fast.  If she let those two battle droids anywhere near the Galaxy Explorer, there’s a good chance they could disable it and capture her friends, leaving her stranded here on the moon.

Then she remembered.  Her guitar.  She brought it with her.

“Sure thing Colonel Cooper!” she answered brightly.  We just have to follow the tracks back, from my moon rover.  It’s right over here.  Wanna see?”  The Colonel followed Jen as she led him towards the rover.  “It’s pretty cool,” she said.  Then she leaped, using the moon’s 1/6th gravity to her advantage!  She landed next to the rover and swiftly grabbed her guitar from the back rack!  Cooper was not fooled any longer and also jumped, aiming to take Jen down.  But in her hands now was a beautiful Yamaha acoustic guitar.  With a mighty swing that would have made Jose Bautista proud, she nailed Cooper directly in the head.

His helmet flew off.

Jen swung her shattered guitar again.  The remnants of the instrument removed the skin from the Colonel’s face, revealing the glowing blue circuitry of an android beneath.

She gasped.  Phil’s eyes widened in what must be shock.

“A robot?” she exclaimed.

The android sputtered and shook on the floor of the crater, at least temporarily disabled.  Suddenly, Jen and Phil were surrounded by battle droids.  They raised their weapons, but Jen did not have her ray gun.

A powerful light beamed down from overhead.

“This is Captain Frank Kerman of the Galaxy Explorer!  Deactivate your weapons and back off!”  The droids did as commanded.

“Specialist Jen!  You were to check in after one hour!  That was four hours ago!”

Jen was just relieved to hear the captain’s voice.  “Sorry Captain!  But I have acquired valuable information…and made a new friend.  You’re going to want to hear this story.”

Suddenly, the android body of Colonel Cooper exploded.  The two battle droids followed his example.

“Self-destruct,” reasoned Jen.  “Now we can’t get any more information from them.”

“Sounds like you got us plenty,” answered the Captain.  “Let’s get you on board and debriefed immediately.”

Jen grabbed the remnants of her guitar, and loaded it onto the Galaxy Explorer, with Phil at her side.

The captain, Jen and Phil all sat together in the airlock, while the rest of the crew occupied the cockpit.  With the airlock pressurized, they were able to talk with helmets off.  The captain spoke.

“We dug up their so-called supply depot.  It wasn’t medication or foodstuffs.  It was weapons.  Good job, specialist Ladano.  You and Phil here stopped a major operation.”

“But weapons for what?” asked Jen.

“Invasion,” responded Phil.

The mood in the room was grim.  A monitor lit up.

“Deke’s Palace, Superdekes on the line,” said the face on the monitor.  “Jen!  Nice to see you.  How are you doing?”

“Great, Deke!” she answered.  “I just had my first adventure in space!”

“And she got us valuable information, Deke,” said Captain Frank.  “Every detail about Tommy Lee’s activities for the last year, and now this weapons depot we uncovered today.”

“Tee Bone Man is gonna wanna know about this,” said Deke with dark seriousness.  “Jen, how comfortable are you right now?  Because I think we’re gonna need your eyes and ears in space for a while longer.”

“Whatever you need Deke,” said Jen.  “We got this.”

Deke nodded solemnly.  “And we got your back.  The Northern Lights are in your debt.”

“Then buy me a coffee when I get home and we’ll call it even,” said Jen.

“Deal.  Deke out.”

“Ready for lift-off!” announced Commander Fred.  “Launch!”

The Galaxy Explorer set off from the surface of the moon, on her way to their next adventure.

The end.

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

REVIEW: Sammy Hagar – Three Lock Box (1982)

SAMMY HAGAR – Three Lock Box (1982 Geffen)

Sometimes it is fun to review an album on its first listen, so that’s what we’re doing today with Hagar’s Three Lock Box.  I only know a handful of tunes so this will be mostly brand new to me.  Released December 6, 1982, Three Lock Box was Sammy’s seventh solo album.  Jon Cain (Journey) and Mike Reno (Loverboy) make guest appearances, and it contains Sammy’s biggest charting solo hit.  Let’s give it a spin, on this fancy Japanese CD pressing.

The title track is familiar, with its slightly funky riff and rich organ backing.  I don’t know why, but that refrain of “One, two, three lock box!” reminds me of the kind of melody and simplicity of a children’s song.  But child’s play this is not!  A couple minutes in, and the gears shift to full blown hard rockin’.  This is a catchy and rhythmically clever little tune.

“Remote Love” might have a bit too much keyboard in the mix, but this is a cool laid back rock ballad.  It sounds like something from a past age perhaps.  Loud keyboards aside, there’s something purely classic about it, especially when you get to the soulful chorus.

Cain and Reno appear on “Remember the Heroes” (co-written by Cain).  Very Journey-esque, but Mike Reno sounds absolutely brilliant!  What a powerhouse singer, and when he and Sammy team up on the chorus, it’s mighty great!  You could easily imagine Journey doing this song, and perhaps they should have.

“Your Love Is Driving Me Crazy” (#13 on Billboard’s Mainstream Rock songs) is clearly hit material.  It’s all melody, smooth and polished.  The production has the bells and whistles and the track is just really hard to resist.

A haunting tone enters on “In the Room”, a completely different vibe.  It almost sounds like a lost Alice Cooper number from the same time period.  “I’ve been caught in the room, that moment of sleep when you think you’re awake.”  The lyrics match the music perfectly.  This is one of those must-have deep cuts, a song that absolutely deserves more attention.  It’s so different for Sammy.  “Rise of the Animal” follows with spooky sounds, and then a synth pulse.  “I just came out from the room…” sings Sammy, continuing his thoughts from the prior song.  “I saw the rising of the moon.  This ain’t no ordinary night!  Look to my left, look to my right.”  It starts slow and picks up the pace, and ends with some brilliantly frantic soloing from Sam.

Another great deep cut is the pop rocker “I Wouldn’t Change A Thing”.  A radio-ready corker, it could have been a hit in an alternate universe.  Let’s call it the Sammyverse.  A universe where everything is bright, colourful and shiny.  I wouldn’t mind hanging out in the Sammyverse, and “I Wouldn’t Change A Thing” could be its anthem.  Wave your red flags high!

“Growing Up” has a highschool-tough sound, while Sammy sings of the girls in their summer clothes.  The Sammyverse only has short skirts and high heels.  It’s probably the filler track of the album, as it doesn’t seem to have the hooks of previous tracks.  Fortunately “Never Give Up” is all hooks.  Another pop rocker with memorably melodies and smooth guitars, it’s just a fun song.  Easy singalong in the car.  Speaking of cars, the Sammyverse is fond of ’em, and the closing track “I Don’t Need Love” races like one of Sammy’s Ferraris.  It’s a brilliant rocker and probably the heaviest track on an otherwise pretty mainstream rock album.

Sammy Hagar albums don’t have a lot of pyrotechnics.  They are often meat and potatoes, workmanlike and easily accessible.  Three Lock Box has its strengths not in the production or flashy performance, but in the songs and the singing.  It’s a satisfying listen and I understand why it is so well liked.  It may not have a lot of edge, but it’s a fun, feel-good listen.

4/5 stars

#1099: “Can you play it a little louder?” – An Uncle Paul Story, aka “Big Bad Bill Is Sweet William Now”

#1099: “Can you play it a little louder?” – An Uncle Paul Story
(aka “Big Bad Bill Is Sweet William Now”)

 

In the late 80s, I was starting to fill in my Van Halen collection thanks to the generosity of family, and the Columbia House Music Club.  Diver Down turned out to be a favourite because of the cover songs:  this was an album that parents and family would let me play in the car, because they knew the songs and they were not too too heavy!

Any time I found a Van Halen song that I thought the older generation would swing to, I would proclaim:  “I found another one!”

“Why is the band called Van Halen when the singer is named David Lee Roth?” my mom asked.

“Because there are two Van Halens in the band and only one Lee Roth,” I answered simply.

“Van Halen?  Sounds like some kind of tropical disease,” deadpanned my dad once upon a time.

But my family and especially my uncle liked enough of the songs:

  • “Pretty Woman”
  • “Dancing in the Streets”
  • “Happy Trails”
  • “Big Bad Bill (Is Sweet William Now)”

They really, really liked “Big Bad Bill”.  Especially the sweet, smooth clarinet melodies of Jan Van Halen.  The tone!  So full.  I don’t think they ever heard the clarinet played with the speed of Jan Van Halen before.  Diver Down was my pathway to having my music played in the car stereo.  Uncle really liked the upbeat sounds of these Van Halen covers.  Everybody seemed to like Roth.  I couldn’t get them into Hagar, even with ballads like “Give To Live”.  Uncle wasn’t into ballads.  (I should have tried “I Can’t Drive 55”.)  He always wanted something with a good tempo.  I have more stories about this, but today’s is about the mighty VH.

“Big Bad Bill (Is Sweet William Now)” was the one song everyone universally agreed on.  It was so different from anything in the mainstream.  It had a vintage country shuffle born from the 1920s, and of course that clarinet.  David Lee Roth hammed up the vocals, at his Vaudeville best, and Uncle Paul ate it up.  And then he said the magic words:  “Can you play it a little louder?”  The one phrase that no adult ever uttered:  “Can you play it a little louder?”  Uncle Paul was the only one.

What kid wouldn’t dive for the volume knob when an adult asked them to?

“If it’s too loud, you’re too old,” goes the saying.  Uncle Paul was never too old.

We loved Uncle Paul.  It was he that bridged the two generations.  He was an adult, but he was welcome to hang with the kids.  He was part of both groups.  Not very families has a member who fills that role.  We did — and I am so happy we had that.  Our childhoods were so much richer for it.

Miss you Uncle Paul.

From Wikipedia:

“Big Bad Bill (Is Sweet William Now)” is a song with music by Milton Ager and lyrics by Jack Yellen, written in 1924. The song became a vocal hit for Margaret Young accompanied by Rube Bloom, and an instrumental hit for the Don Clark Orchestra.

The song has also been recorded by Ernest Hare (1924), Billy Murray (1924), Clementine Smith (1924), Emmett Miller (1929), Glen Gray and the Casa Loma Orchestra (1940), Peggy Lee (1962), Merle Haggard (1973), Ry Cooder (1978), Leon Redbone (1978), Van Halen (1982) and others[4] and has been a popular song in barbershop quartet and chorus competitions.

The lyrics describe a man “in the town of Louisville…” who was once a fearsome and rough character known for getting into fights, who, after getting married, becomes a peaceable person who devotes his time to domestic activities such as washing dishes and mopping the floor. He was “Stronger than Samson I declare, til the brown skinned woman, bobbed his hair.”

#1098: Today I Feel Very Special – An Uncle Paul Story

RECORD STORE TALES #1098: Today I Feel Very Special – An Uncle Paul Story

Today we lay my Uncle Paul to rest.  I learned something about him yesterday that I never really realized before.

Sunday was the visitation.  These are always a storm of mixed feelings.  You’re sad, you’re exhausted, and there are dozens of people to meet.  It was wonderful to hear so many people say loving things about my dear uncle.  He was clearly well liked by his friends and colleagues.  There were a lot of happy memories shared, introductions made, and friends to catch up with.

I was happy to see two of my best friends in the world after long absences:  the legendary Bob Schipper and the beloved Peter Cavan with his sister Joanne.  I have not seen any of them since, well, the last funerals.  We are all a little older now, and time has taken its toll, but the faces were the same.  It is good to know that my uncle had such an impact on my friends that they would drive to Stratford to honour a man they were not related to.  That’s just how my uncle was.  I heard lots of the same words today, over and over:  kind, thoughtful, attentive, caring, warm.

The thing that I did not expect to learn was a story repeated twice by two different co-workers of his.  They both said that he spoke of my sister and I fondly, all the time.  All the time, as if we were his own kids.

I knew that he considered us like his own, but I didn’t know how he spoke of us so often.  He had pictures of us in his office along with other family photos.  He must have said some pretty amazing things because the two co-workers we met specially wanted to tell us this about him.  I really did not know.

He always took interest in what we were doing and wanted to know what games we were playing and what music we were listening to.  He liked fast songs about cars.  I know I played “Slick Black Cadillac” by Quiet Riot for him when I was just a grade school kid.  I hope he liked it.

Thank you Uncle Paul.  We say goodbye today but the stories will live on forever.

NEWS: Kiss introduces the Kiss Avatars – A New Era Begins?

First of all:  congrats to John of 2loud20ldmusic for making it to the final Kiss show.  No surprises in the setlist; just the same songs.  They did a Q&A featuring, most notably, Desmond Child.  After all was said and done and Kiss finally played the last show of their last tour…now we have the Kiss Avatars.

We knew Kiss would continue in some way.  I predicted a “Kiss II” kind of lineup a few years ago.  What we are getting is so so so much worse.

These new digital Kiss “avatars” are eight feet tall and animated, composed of pixels and lights.  They are inspired by the ABBA Voyage show.  Both shows are produced by a company called Pophouse.

It is not yet known where or when we will see the Kiss Avatars next.  But we will.

Me, I’ll be waiting patiently for a 50th anniversary box set of the debut album, or Hotter Than Hell, or a 40th anniversary box set of Animalize.   I won’t pay to see avatars, of anyone, anywhere.  Except maybe the blue kind if the third movie doesn’t suck.

Six Horsemen Bring Their Top Five Metallica Deep Cuts to Grab A Stack of Rock

Metallica deep cuts?  What are the rules then?  Well, rules didn’t matter at the end of the day; we just picked a bunch of tunes we liked a lot.  Your panel was:

We had some brilliant thrashers, a few curveballs…and definitely a couple surprises.  I feel everyone defended their choices ably, however I was the recipient of a bit of roasting in the comments section.  Repeatedly.  Did I deserve it?  Probably.

We also took an “Ask Harrison” question from Peter Kerr of Rock Daydream Nation, and did some very cool unboxings.  There was a bit of “repetition” tonight, but a good time was had by all.  Thank you for watching.

A week off next week — super secret regal recording with Peter Kerr instead!  We’ll be back December 15.

Exploiting Their Supremacy: Top Five Metallica Deep Cuts on Grab A Stack of Rock

GRAB A STACK OF ROCK With Mike and the Mad Metal Man

Episode 43:  Top 5 METALLICA Deep Cuts

It is finally time to do Metallica some Justice!

We planned to do a Metallica show back on May 5, but regular readers know what happened that day.  I had to cancel, and deal with a former co-host instead.  There always seems to be something getting in the way of Metallica.  This week we lost my dear Uncle Paul, but the show will go on, and I will pay tribute to this great man on Friday night.

Cinco de Listo is back!  We wait with baited (Motor)breath to see what Top Five Deep Cuts our expert panel will be presenting this time!  On hand will be:

We are going simple with the rules.  A “deep cut” in this case simply means a non-single.  There will be lots of complaints I’m sure, but let’s focus on the great songs instead!  Hopefully we will name some tunes you absolutely need to hear.

Will Justice be done?  Our Merry Band of Metal Fans will do out best tonight at 8:00 PM sharp, Eastern Standard Time.

 

A week off next week — super secret regal recording with Peter Kerr instead!  We’ll be back December 15.

LIVE Friday Dec 1 at 8:00 P.M. E.S.T. / 9:00 P.M. Atlantic.   Enjoy on YouTube or on Facebook!

Top Ten SAVATAGE Tracks Ranked – A Collaboration with the 80sMetalMan

SAVATAGE!  This Florida metal band reigned from 1979 to 2002, and is now back ready to unleash a new album called Curtain Call!  They never received the recognition they deserved over the course of 12 mostly excellent albums.  Let’s fix that here and now!

This list is part of a collaborative effort with 80sMetalMan!  You can check his list here.

10. “Handful of Rain” from Handful of Rain (1994)

We begin our story with tragedy, but also triumph.  Lead guitarist Criss Oliva was killed by a drunk driver, almost ending the band permanently, and shattering the soul of his brother Jon.  Jon Oliva was not even a member of the band anymore, having abdicated the mountain king throne to new singer Zack Stevens a year prior.  Undaunted, Oliva wrote and recorded almost all the instruments on the next Savatage album Handful of Rain.  Even though bassist Johnny Lee Middleton and drummer Steve “Doc” Wacholz are pictured inside, they did not play.  Jon did.  Joining him on lead guitar was former Testament master-shredder Alex Skolnick.  An immensely powerful team up.  They produced a somber album, but not without power and thrills.  The title track, available as a 5:25 extended edition or the standard 5:02 version, boasts acoustic verses and a powerful chorus that will stay with you for days.

9. “Morphine Child” from Poets and Madmen (2001)

The final Savatage epic from the final Savatage album.  Jon Oliva was back on lead vocals.  Zack Stevens departed to form his own band, Circle II Circle.  This song utilizes a powerful, relentless riff and a host of backing singers taking care of a complicated vocal counterpoint.  Different lyrics and melodies all overlap to form a cohesive and weighty segment of an already powerful song.  With piano and guitars intertwined with equal emphasis, Savatage may have taken their new operatic metal style to its peak here.  Though a comeback is planned, the band has remaining largely inactive ever since.  Regardless, at least they finished their first life in style, and with masterful progressive metal music.

8. “Warriors” from Power of the Night (1985)

Though this song commences with a corny keyboard bit and a ballady melody, it is far from that!  The battle grunts of the “warriors” soon join in with a sharp metal riff.  An alloy of iron and titanium, “Warriors” boasts a relentless chorus.  The verses are fun too.  “Armed to attack!  The soldiers react!”  Not poetry, but it matters not when Oliva screams.  This is simply heavy metal, down to the basics, and executed with youth and naivete.  The thing is:  it’s really good and catchy!

7. “Sirens” from Sirens (1983)

A shorty, at under four minutes.  The tempered steel of Criss Oliva’s riff is the main hook.  Much would improve later on, such as Jon’s lyrics and the band’s writing skills, but they had everything they needed from the get-go.  There’s a slower breakdown in the middle that only serves to re-ignite the powerful riff later on.  Oliva’s shrieking was already in place, fully formed and under his complete control.  Because the song is so short, you just have to go back and play it one more time.

6. “Strange Wings” from Hall of the Mountain King (1987)

Producer/manager Paul O’Neill was working with a little band called Badlands in 1989, featuring former Black Sabbath singer Ray Gillen on lead vocals.  He made a hell of an impression before Badlands as a backing vocalist on “Strange Wings” by Savatage!  This song, which boasts a powerfully simple riff, contains one of Savatage’s mightiest choruses!  A melancholy metal song with oodles of power, “Strange Wings” is one of Savatage’s top deep cuts.  There are many to choose from, but Ray’s singing on this one sets it apart.  His voice, mixed with Jon Oliva’s, offers a rare metal duet of stainless steel.

5. “Hall of the Mountain King” from Hall of the Mountain King (1987)

A classic Criss Oliva riff, backed by the haunting screams of brother Jon!  This song introduced Savatage to the metal masses.  Few songs can top the power of its mighty riff, or the unholy notes that Oliva hits on the chorus.  Not overly complex, but neither is it simple.  After Criss’ solo, Jon simply lets loose with the howls of a banshee gone mad!  Many would rank this song much higher than #5.   Perhaps the Metal Man is one.  It is extremely difficult, since Savatage have so many songs of different flavours.  Of their era of pure metal majesty, this song is tops.

4. “The Wake of Magellan” from The Wake of Magellan (1999)

Savatage have utilized counterpoint vocals numerous times on their albums from Handful of Rain to Poets and Madmen.  It is arguable that “The Wake of Magellan” is their most effective use of the technique.  Multiple vocal parts and lyrics overlap over each other, with uncountable Zacks singing complementary parts over each other.  Fortunately, the melodies are strong enough to stand out in the storm!  While the band and orchestra cooks behind, Zack Stevens sings all the parts, overdubbed for simultaneous power.  The first layer:  “Don’t see the storms are forming, don’t see or heed the warning, don’t hear the sound of tyrants, surrounded by the silence.”  Then a second Zack joins, singing the same.  A third Zack emerges overtop, singing the extremely fast and challenging lines:  “Columbus and Magellan and De Gama sailed upon the ocean in a world of ignorance with thoughts so primitive.  That men were killed with no more will than that they simply had the notion, but in this world of heartless men this thing they never did.”  Imagine singing that live, which the band had to do, at machine gun speed!  Another Zack doubles those lines.  Then a fifth Zack joins:  “Don’t hear it, don’t hear it…”  Then another Zack:  “Got to keep it underground, pretend you never heard a sound.”  More Zacks join with the lines “If they find it, kill it, blind it,” and “Lord tell me what is to be,” until all the voices coalesce together in the line “They whisper, and I…”  Has there ever been a more epic song in any genre?

3. “Edge of Thorns” from Edge of Thorns (1993)

New singer.  New lease on life.  Zack Stevens was sometimes compared to Geoff Tate when he first debuted in 1993 on Edge of Thorns.  The first single from the first album of a new era, combining the metal of Savatage’s early years and the piano epics of the previous two records.  The brilliant title track from Stevens’ debut still raises goosebumps on the arms.  An apex of this style of metal, “Edge of Thorns” has no dull surfaces.  Every edge cuts deep, the scarlet blood stains lingering in your heart forever.  “I have seen you on the edge of dawn, felt you here before you were born.  Balance your dreams upon the edge of thorns…but I don’t think about you anymore.”  Yet he clearly does.  This theme recurs through the album on songs like “Conversation Piece”.  Another genius Criss Oliva guitar solo is the cherry on top.  Few bands can meld their different styles from separate eras together like Savatage did on “Edge of Thorns”.  A masterpiece of a song.

2. “Gutter Ballet” from Gutter Ballet (1989)

I’ll never forget hearing that opening piano figure.  Loosely, Jon Oliva plays:  “ding, ding, ding…”  Then as he plays the notes become stronger and the tempo more steady.  Suddenly the band crashes forth and “Gutter Ballet” careens through your stereo, into your soul.  Savatage had never incorporated piano like this before, and by breaking new ground they broke down walls.  No longer were they a simple heavy metal band.  The doors to a whole new world of concept and drama had opened.  Welcome to the Gutter Ballet.  This track combines an epic piano melody with incendiary guitar riffs, an orchestra, and street-smart Oliva/O’Neill lyrics about the nasty gutters of New York City.  “Balanced on their knives, little parts of lives, such a strange reality.  Kill the unicorn, just to have its horn, soon he’s just a fantasy…”  And the Criss Oliva guitar solo!  A composition unto itself, backed by strings.  Power, emotion, skill and fire combined together into one incredible song.  An epic song that few bands could top.  Few…except Savatage.

1. “Believe” from Streets: A Rock Opera (1991)

Within the context of the Streets story, the main character D.T. Jesus witnesses a luminous spirit emerge from a dying homeless man, that he follows up several flights of stairs to a roof of a building.  D.T. opens his heart, and hears the voice of God.  “Believe” is the perfect ending to an epic emotional journey.  With all the power that Savatage can muster — overblown, dramatic, and pompous — “Believe” ends the rock opera (and this list) properly.  Interestingly, it retains an epic section that was lifted directly from “When the Crowds are Gone”, as the two albums share a genesis.  So epic is this segment, that Savatage had to re-use it.  Then later, on the Savatage album Handful of Rain, part of it was re-used again, along with other parts of “Believe”.  “Believe” ends this album on the bright up-note that you want a story to end with, your soul awash with light and musically uplifted.  “I’ll be right there, I’ll never leave, and all I ask is believe”

In Loving Memory of Paul Joseph Ladano

Here is Uncle Paul’s official obituary.  It only scratches the surface.  I have so much more to add.

 

Paul Joseph Ladano, age 77, of Stratford Ontario, passed away peacefully on Monday, November 27, 2023 at West Perth Village, Mitchell. Born in Guelph, ON. Son of the late Joseph and Helen (Thompson) Ladano. Paul is survived by his true love and soulmate Maria (Festoso) Ladano. Paul will be remembered by his brother Don (Bonnie) Ladano, his niece Kathryn and nephew Michael and his wife Jennifer along with the Festoso Family and many nieces and nephews. 

Paul was a long-term employee with National Trust/Scotia Bank, retiring as Vice-President. Paul and Maria for many years enjoyed their cottage on Lake Huron, trips and many outings with his beloved Barracuda. Paul was truly an enthusiast of Mopar Cars, and he and Maria volunteered for many years at the Mopar Fest held in New Hamburg every year. 

Paul was the epitome of a true gentleman and always enjoyed family get-togethers for food and laughter.

Not only was he a true gentleman, but he had many friends.  He would be the first one to offer his seat, or to ask if you needed anything.  Though he loved quiet time alone watching the races on TV, he was rich in friendship.

He was a car expert.  Any movie or TV show, he could identify the vehicles.  He would always know when a car that was too new for a period piece was used by mistake.  You couldn’t sneak it past him.

He loved Christmas, ornaments and TV specials.  It will be weird knowing he’s not here to enjoy this Christmas.  We will miss him more than usual this year.

 

#1097: Why We Always Liked Christmas Eve Best – An Uncle Paul Story

RECORD STORE TALES #1097: Why We Always Liked Christmas Eve Best – An Uncle Paul Story

Christmas was always a big deal in our family.  It was a multi-stage affair:  many dinners and many gifts at several residences.  In my earliest years, the Christmas festivities would begin in Guelph, Ontario.

The Ladano clan originated in Amalfi, and then Sicily.  When they came to Canada in the early years of the 1900s, they settled in the largely Italian town of Guelph.  This is where my grandfather lived, and we would make our way to his house in the snowy afternoon of December 24.  We journeyed from Kitchener, and my Uncle Paul and Aunt Maria came from Stratford.  The first round of gifts would be given.  A lot of “dinky cars”, Hotwheels and Matchbox.  Eventually we would fall asleep, and at the end of the night, we’d be loaded in the car for the drive home.  We would probably have slept in the car too, if not for my dad’s shenanigans from the driver’s seat.  He always had us on the lookout for “Rudolph”.  We had to beat Santa home to the house!  “Rudolph” was in fact a red light atop a radio tower, but look for him we did.  Radio stations would egg us on with “Santa sightings” on their radar.  We’d always make it home before Santa arrived.

After my grandfather died, Christmas Eve changed.  My uncle and aunt would arrive mid-day at our house from Stratford.  This is where my strongest memories begin.

My sister and I would already be on holidays and we could not — COULD NOT! — wait for Christmas Eve!  Whatever old Atari games we had were boring compared to what we thought was coming.  Killing time was the name of the game.  We watched whatever Christmas specials were on, good and bad.  It seemed like an eternity, and it felt like those days crawled by like months.  Then, finally, December 24 would come, and Uncle Paul and Aunt Maria would too!  And they always brought the best gifts.  No clothes from them.  Only fun.  Candy, puzzles, games, books, and toys only!  We had to be showered and dressed, because they’d be here any minute!

We’d stare out the front window at every car.  Nope, not them.  Nope, not them.  Wait!  That’s them!!  Their car would slowly turn through the snow into the driveway.  Then they’d get out and start unloading the gifts!  “Look at the size of that one!” I’d cry.  “I hope that’s for me!”  My mom would interject.  “It’s not for you, now go down and help!”  And so we’d race down the stairs and hug them and carry the bags and bags of gifts upstairs.  They also brought food and treats.  My aunt’s home-made pizza would be lunch for the following day.

There was one year that was so snowy, we didn’t know if Christmas Eve would have to be cancelled or not.  It seemed unimaginable!  The snow that night was some of the deepest I had ever seen.  Uncle and Aunt had never missed a Christmas Eve before!  No blizzards ever stopped them.  One year, they came by train, but they never missed.

Once Uncle and Aunt arrived, it felt like Christmas had really started.  Then and only then.  Before that moment, there was tension and anticipation.  My mom had so much to do in the kitchen before they got there!  “If you’re not going to help then stay out of the way!” she would scold.  We’d run to join my dad in the living room, waiting patiently watching old black & white Christmas specials.  But then Uncle and Aunt would pull into that driveway wearing their warm sweaters, and Christmas would really begin.

After we got our first Schnauzer, the doggie would go crazy when they appeared in our driveway.  The dog would bark and bark and bark from the front window, and then race down the stairs to greet them first.  Of course, this happy was greeting was conditional upon treats, which were ready in pocket.  The dog would wind around our legs as we tried to carry gifts up the stairs.

Uncle and Aunt’s gifts were always opened on Christmas Eve, just like they were back in the old days in Guelph.  And they got us the best gifts.

My uncle would always tell us, “be patient!” but we couldn’t wait to rip into their gifts.  As the 80s wore on, the nature of the gifts evolved.  At first they were Star Wars guys and Atari games.  Soon after, GI Joes and Transformers.  This gave way to music.  Cassettes first, and then CD, with some VHS tapes mixed in for good measure.  There were never socks.  No button-up shirts, no mittens, no slacks.  They never bought us clothes, and they were proud of it!  Stratford has some interesting toy stores, so we often received unique 3D puzzles and brain twisters.  Stratford also has the best candy stores, and we would often get special treats too.  They were so generous to us.

After a few gifts were relieved of their wrapping paper, my dad and uncle would go for a drive — an annual tradition.  They would go check out the new cars for sale at the local dearlerships and admire the vehicles, imagining which they would buy next.  The rest of us thought this was the most boring Christmas tradition ever!  For a few years in the mid-80s, my sister had a paper route.  For those years, the tradition was that my dad, uncle and I would pile into a car and help her deliver the papers door to door.  One year the snow was so deep, it felt like we were blazing new trails through the Antarctic glaciers.

Dinner was always a fun affair.  My uncle had a few beers by then, and was even more playful than usual.  My sister and I would fight over who got to sit next to him.  (My mom came up with assigned seating at one point, probably because of us.)   He was always curious about our gifts.  If it was music, he wanted to have a listen to a song or two.  If it was a toy, he wanted to watch us put it together, or see how it worked.  We received so many cassettes from them during the tape era!  I can’t remember the exact tape, but I remember one store sold a cassette to my aunt with the big clunky security case attached.  Let me tell you people, it took two grown men, one teenager, and two pairs of scissors to get that rubbery plastic shell off my Judas Priest.  (It wasn’t Judas Priest, but I like the way that sentence sounds.)  There was also a store in Stratford that could get unusual special orders, and my aunt often secured rare musical gifts that I couldn’t find in town.

The early 80s were particularly frantic.  The years of Star Wars and Atari.  So many games!  Haunted House was responsible for one pretty fun Christmas Eves.  During the Atari era, my sister and I would disappear into the basement for long stretches of time playing all our new games.  Then we’d wake him up early Christmas morning, because they slept on the fold-out bed right in front of the TV!

Uncle Paul didn’t know or care a thing about Star Wars or Star Trek.  He was a car guy.  He gave his own names to our toys.  “Tauntaun” became Toto.  The nine-armed FX-7 medical droid was the “coffee maker”.   We loved this about him.  It didn’t matter that he didn’t know an R2 unit from a protocol droid.  He didn’t care that we didn’t know our cars.  Sometimes, we would just quietly sit next to each other without saying a word while we let others do all the talking.  Then he might nudge me in the side and laugh.  Those were good Christmas Eves.

Christmas Eve hasn’t been the same since my uncle fell sick.  We’re older too, and a Star Wars figure doesn’t elicit the same tear-the-box-open kind of excitement.  Plus, who can afford Star Wars figures these days?  And don’t get me started on GI Joe.  I know there are a multitude of reasons why Christmas Eve isn’t what it once was, but I can’t help but feel that a huge part of that is Uncle Paul.  Their arrival on December 24 was the official commencement of festivities.  Without him, everything seemed so much more…adult.

Over the years, my sister and I would invite friends, boyfriends, and girlfriends to join us on Christmas Eve.  No matter who was joining us that night, there was one universal constant:  everyone loved Uncle Paul.  He was kind, attentive and most of all, he was fun.  He was always the most fun of everyone.  Even if he was just sitting quietly next to my dad, every so often you’d hear his distinctive laugh and know they just shared an inside joke.

That’s just Christmas Eve.  Our Christmas was a long affair, involving a special Christmas Day, and a visit to Stratford on the 27th every year.  But those are tales for another day, and as I remember my Uncle Paul, one memory triggers a cascade more.  Of these, the many Christmas Eve memories are the strongest.  And that’s why we always loved Christmas Eve best of all.