The Adventures of Tee Bone Man Chapter 12: Lost In Space

We’ve been teasing this one since August.  The long-awaited new Space chapter by John T. Snow of 2loud2oldmusic!

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER XII:  LOST IN SPACE

Thunder Bay:  the dead of winter.  A blizzard is roaring strong, and the Great White North is living up to its name.  The lair door at Deke’s Palace slams open, and the cold and the snow comes rushing in.  As do Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, exhausted from another superhero save.  This time it was an easy one:  a moose was on the loose inside a liquor store. No way were Tee Bone Man and Superdekes going to let a moose destroy any whiskey or scotch…or heck, any alcoholic beverage that they could one day consume.  They each plop down on the couch and open a brand new bottle of their favourite beverage.  Gifts from the store owner as a thank-you for their assistance.  The two heroes kick back.

Superdekes exclaimed, “Damn, that was sure fun. I didn’t know you could ride a moose, Tee Bone”.

Tee Bone admitted the truth.  “I don’t!  That dang creature picked me up by the horns and threw me on his back. I just went along for the ride. I can’t believe I lasted a full eight seconds.  Maybe I should take up bull riding.”

“Well, you are good at slinging bull…well, you know, I don’t think that qualifies you!” laughed Superdekes.

After only a few minutes of drinking, the buzz started building and they started reminiscing about their most awesome adventures, from Sasquatch, to Satan, to time travel.

Tee Bone even thought momentarily about that damn squirrel, but he didn’t bring that one up to Superdekes, preferring to let it burrow silent trauma deep within his psyche.  That would be better in the long run, he reasoned.

Superdekes asked Tee Bone, “Hey, remember that idiot that had a Snowman army?  You know, the guy that looked like Richard Dreyfuss.  What a doofus, but man does he give generous Christmas gifts!”  Deke was looking at the statement he received for his share of Mr. Big’s earnings, courtesy of a coerced Billy Sheehan and facilitated by the Snowman.

“Of course I remember him.  The Snowman!  He gave me the original Frankenstrat.  I wonder what kind of trouble he is getting into these days…” Tee Bone pondered as his phone began to ring.

“There it is,” said Deke dryly.

Previously that day, in a bright and sunny California, The Snowman was sitting in dingy booth inside a greasy pit of a diner…his favourite sort of place.  He liked to mix with the riff raff.  Snowman couldn’t find a Waffle House, so this would have to do.  It was another glorious day in Los Angeles. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect and the Snowman was getting ready to negotiate a deal with Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley to buy “The Warehouse”:  the Kiss Warehouse, full of everything Kiss from over the years loaded with costumers, to guitars, to drums and stage equipment, to name a few things.  It was his dream to own it, and since he had more money than sense…he was ready to fulfil that dream.

The waitress approached. She was smoking hot.  Snowman gazed at her tight short skirt, and open blouse with enough cleavage showing to satisfy any man or woman and to generate nice big tips.  Her hair was golden and sunkissed just right.  She was probably an actress, as all waiters and waitresses in L.A. were.  She smiled that big, friendly smile and said “Dang, has any one told you that you look like Richard Dreyfuss?”

“No, I can’t say that anyone has,” The Snowman responded, knowing full well that everyone has.

“I think you are him!  You are playing with me aren’t you,” she sassed back.

“I’m afraid not and I can prove it,” he responded.

“Yeah, how’s that?” she asked.

“Well, for starters, that is Richard Dreyfuss walking in the door right now,” The Snowman said, quite stunned.

And sure enough, the bell rang on the front door and in walked The Richard Dreyfuss.  But he seemed preoccupied, almost in a zombie state.  He walked right up to the Snowman’s table and sat down in the booth.  He turned to the waitress, staring at her chest, and she asked, “Can I get you anything Mr. Dreyfuss?”

“Mashed Potatoes!  And lots of them,” Richard said robotically.  He turned to the Snowman and said “They’re coming again.  They will be here soon.”

The Snowman nodded and said rather questionably “Okay?  Are you alright Mr. Dreyfuss?  Can I help you with anything?”.  Richard said nothing.  The waitress returned with the mashed potatoes and put them in front of Richard.  He immediately reached in and started mushing them around and building what looked like a mountain.  The Snowman knew he has encountered that before at least three times, but couldn’t place it.

The weather outside started changing. Clouds were moving in, the wind was blowing harder and harder. The sky was getting darker and darker.  Then flames started shooting down from the sky. Something was landing in the parking lot of the diner!  With a loud bang and a whoosh of smoke, everything suddenly froze.  Nothing moved.  Everyone was frozen in place…everyone except Richard Dreyfuss and the Snowman.  The Snowman reached for his phone and speed-dialed Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.  He didn’t raise it to his ear, but left it in his pocket so they could hear what was going on…when and if they answered!

In through the door came several little green men…seriously!  They were little and green!  They looked like Marvin the Martian, and the Snowman was half expecting Bugs Bunny to come sauntering in after them.  They stopped in front of their table and spoke in plain English which freaked the Snowman out.  “We are here for Richard Dreyfuss!  And since we don’t know which one of you is Richard Dreyfuss, we are taking you both with us back to Mars.”

Martians!  The Snowman laughed and said, “Like hell you are, you little green pile of sh…” but before he could finish that line, the Martian pulled out a phaser and shot them both, leaving them unconscious.  The bad thing for the real Richard Dreyfuss was that his head collapsed into the mountain of mashed potatoes.  The Snowman’s head just banged hard on the table, probably making him even dumber than he already was. It was going to leave a mark.

The lead Martian said to his cohorts, “Grab them and take them to our ship.  We have what we need to finalize our plan. Let’s get them back to Mars. It is time to put the plan in motion, as we take over Earth.  Everyone will bow to us and worship us.  We will be Kings of this world,” as he stepped up on the booth with his arms held out wide like Leo from Titanic.  However his minions had already left, and no one was around anymore to hear him bantering on or witness his embarassing posturing.  He got down, feeling pretty silly.

The alien spaceship took off, but luckily the Snowman’s phone was still in his pocket, and Tee Bone Man and Superdekes heard everything. As the ship vanished, everyone in the restaurant and surrounding area unfroze and went on their day as if nothing happened.

 

Tee Bone and Superdekes sat in stunned silence in their lair, listening to the call. They couldn’t believe what was happening.  Superdekes broke the silence. ”How the heck do we help them?  We can’t go into space.  We don’t have any of that kind of tech.”

Tee Bone grinned and said, “Well, that isn’t actually true.  Remember at Christmas, when the Snowman came by with gifts?  You asked me about that envelope he handed me?”

“I have a drunken stupor memory of that…I think.” Deke answered. “What was in that envelope?”

Tee Bone Man reached into the utility belt of his uniform, and removed from a small pouch, an American Express Black Card.

“This,” explained Tee Bone Man, “is not a credit card.  Hold up your phone.”

Deke held up his phone, and Tee Bone placed the card over the screen, which suddenly went black.  After it flashed white, it now presented a map.

“What the…?” asked Deke.  “What’s this a map to?  That Snowman has more money than sense.”

“You’re right, but this time, maybe he was on the right track.  The Snowman was worried about what would happen if we ever had visitors from outer space, and how we would be able to defend Earth.  I think he’d watched The Avengers one too many times.  Him thinking he was Tony Stark or something.  He said he was having visions, like Richard Dreyfuss had in that space movie.  He was obsessed with defending Earth from aliens.  I tried convincing him to put his money into some mutual funds, but I couldn’t talk him out of this.  So, we’ve been building something, just in case we had to go into space.  Now keep in mind, the Snowman is a little bizarre, but I think you will like what we built.  Get on your flying bike.  We’re going for a ride.”

Tee Bone Man strapped his new genuine Australian boomerang to his back, while Superdekes stored his new Balls of Steel in his backpack.  Deke mounted his ride, and Tee Bone took to the air, as they followed the signal on Deke’s phone.  It was taking them miles away, near the US/Canada border.  Tee Bone Man began his descent and spotted a small concrete bunker in a hidden clearing.  Superdekes landed nearby.

They regrouped at the bunker, just shoulder height, with a concrete door in the side they faced.  To the right of the door was a small recess, and in that recess was a statue of what looked like Richard Dreyfuss.  Tee Bone lifted the head of the Dreyfuss statue, inserted the card in the mouth, and pushed the button underneath.  The door slid open to reveal a flight of stairs that went down below their ground.

Deke exclaimed, “What the Fu@#!”

They descended the steps into a vast hanger, filled with all sorts of electronic equipment and two massive ships.  One was an exact replica of an X-Wing fighter and the other was a TIE Interceptor, as the Snowman loved his Star Wars.  Talk about mixing up his movie franchises!  Tee Bone addressed his friend.  “Don’t be mad that I didn’t include you!  The Snowman said I had to keep it a secret, until we needed to do this.  He paid for everything, and we had the best scientists involved, as he spared no expense.  What a sucker!  But dang if they don’t actually work!  Get ready for the ride of your life.”

Deke asked, “Cool! Which one do I get?” as he ran towards the X-Wing.

“I guess you get that one,” answered Tee Bone Man.

They each got in their ships, flipped a few very switches and started the engines.

“It sure is a good thing the controls are simple,” said a relieved Tee Bone.  “Just like the old Atari 2600 back home.”

“Snowman is kinda a simpleton,” shrugged Deke.

Richard Dreyfus and the Snowman were being escorted down a gleaming silver passage by two Marians with phasers. They weren’t restrained, which seemed odd, but where the heck were they going to run to if they escaped?  A set of doors slid open with a whoosh, and standing there was something they never dreamt of seeing.  Or someone.  Their mouths fell open and slammed into the floor.

There in the fat flesh was Donald J. Trump.  But was it really? Something was off.

Standing next to Don was the head Martian.  “Welcome to Mars,” he said. “You are brought here because Richard Dreyfuss is the greatest American actor in the universe.  And we have a problem.  We have cloned Donald Trump, but we can’t get him to act like the real Donald Trump, the self-absorbed narcissist.”

The Trump clone came up to Dreyfuss and the Snowman and asked, “How are you guys?  I appreciate you taking time out of your day to come to help me.  That is the nicest thing!”  And with that, it was patently obvious that it wasn’t the real Trump.

The alien stated, “We need you, with your incredible acting talent, to teach him how to act like Donald Trump.”

The Snowman quickly retorted, “Well, he’s missing the stupid red ball cap first and foremost.”  Snowman strolled up to Trump’s clone, and started trying to teach him how to act like Trump.  Not being a very good actor, all he sounded like was William Shatner, and he emphasized every other word as if it was super important.

The main Martian screamed “STOP, STOP, STOP!! You are not the real Richard Dreyfuss! That was horrendous! You might look like Richard Dreyfuss, but you sound like William Shatner!  Not a good actor.  Guards, get rid of him!!”

With that, the guards grabbed the Snowman and threw him outside an airlock, where he was surprised to find he could breathe the thin, cold Martian atmosphere.  He saw a bright area of red dirt not far away, with a pair of legs sticking out of a hole in the ground.  Snowman was followed by two Martian guards, who grabbed his arms.  “Oh my goodness, they are going to bury me upside down in the dirt with my legs sticking out!”  The Snowman started trying to break free and escape, but their grip was too tight and strong.  There was nothing he could do.  The guards tossed him head first into a hole.  Before he was completely buried, he heard some explosions.

Coming in from above were two space fighters, firing lasers everywhere they could.  Things were blowing up left and right.  Superdekes shouted over the radio, “Red Five going in.”

Tee Bone Man sighed, “Really, we are going with that.? What are we, 12 year olds?”

“I’m flying an actual X-Wing Fighter, I can be whatever I want to be”, Superdekes explained with gleeful enthusiasm.

Two Martian ships came after them on an intercept course, and a vicious dog fight ensued.  The spaceships were flying by each other at breakneck speeds.  Laser cannons fired and just missed Tee Bone Man. He laughed and reversed course hard, getting the one ship in his crosshairs.  He opened fire.

BOOOM!!  The Martian ship was toast.

Superdekes swiftly got the upper hand on the other ship, which flew upside down over him.  Dekes took a picture with his camera phone and shot them the bird!  He then dropped back and blew the ship out of the sky. It was a crazy, maverick thing to do.

With both Martian ships destroyed, Superdekes and Tee Bone Man came in for a landing.  Before exiting, Tee Bone Man warned Superdekes, “Look in the compartment on your right. Open it up and take what’s in there.  You’ll love it.”   Superdekes did as he was told, and inside were a phaser, and an honest-to-God actual working lightsaber.

They both jumped down from their ships and immediately took on enemy fire.  Shots were landing all around them.  They both fired back and then looked at each other and lit their lightsabers.  Deke’s was green.  Tee Bone’s was blue.  Battle was rough at first, as an untrained Tee Bone man singed a little of his hair with the first swing.  More shots came and they both blocked them with the lightsabers.

“This is amazing” Tee Bone Man screamed.  “I feel invincible,” as he cut through the Martians like a hot knife through butter!

“Does this count as murder?” asked Deke.  Tee Bone shrugged.  The carnage went on for only minutes, as they seemed to have killed all the Martians and all was suddenly quiet.  They disengaged their sabers.

Tee Bone Man looked over to his left and saw two pairs of legs dangling out of the dirt and exclaimed “What in Gordie Howe’s holy name is that?”  Superdekes shrugged but went over to look.

The pair dug out the first person, and it wasn’t the Snowman.  It was a balding gentleman with a goatee and glasses caked with Martian dirt.  Superdekes exclaimed “Dude! Who the heck are you, and how did you get Buried on Mars?”

“My name is Kevin,” he said, cleaning himself off. “I was doing a podcast for a review on a Richard Dreyfuss movie and I said what a horrible actor he was. The next thing I knew everything went black, and I was upside down in a hole. I didn’t even know I was on Mars!”

“Dude you were Buried on Mars!” said Tee Bone as he dug up the next set of legs.  Thankfully, it was the Snowman.  Tee Bone Man exclaimed, “What the heck is going on?”

The Snowman caught them up the best he could, which wasn’t very good.  He told the pair, “We have to go save Richard Dreyfuss.  He’s inside with a clone of Donald Trump!”  Everyone looked shocked or stupefied, not sure which.

The Buried on Mars fellow, Kevin, spoke up.  “Richard Dreyfuss is here? Did he do this to me?”  The Snowman said that it was Martians and told him everything that had happened, but Kevin was still too stunned to follow it all.   Kevin blinked in confusion.  “I’m just going to wait over here,” he pointed to a rock.

The other three rushed into the building, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes leading the way with their lightsabers.  They met no resistance from any Martians.   The base was not heavily fortified.  They all assumed the Earthlings couldn’t reach Mars.  Our group came to the room they were looking for, and the doors opened again with a whoosh.  Standing in side was Richard Dreyfuss, doing his best Donald Trump impressions for the clone.  The clone appeared to be catching on.

The lead Martian was in the room with them, and managed to grab Superdekes’ lightsaber with his mind.  It flew it in the air to his own hands.  The disarmed Deke took his Balls of Steel from his backpack and took up a defensive stance.  Unless they were made of Vibranium, chances are that the lightsaber would cut them in half.  Even then, Deke was not too sure about the cutting power of lightsabers.  It was never consistent in the fiction!

Tee Bone Man prepared to duel.  Then, he remembered he had his phaser, set to kill.  Trying to pose like Indiana Jones, he drew it swiftly and shot the Martian dead in a single blast.

“Well that was easy” Tee Bone Man said with a smile, and blew the smoke from the barrel.  “I didn’t even have to use my boomerang on this mission.”

The clone approached Superdekes and Tee Bone Man.  “How are you guys?  I appreciate you taking time out of your day to come and help me.  That is the nicest thing.”

They both were a little freaked out and said confusedly, ”You’re welcome?”

The Snowman turned to Superdekes and Tee Bone Man.  ”Can we keep him? We could replace Trump with this nice guy, and maybe the world could finally be great again.”

They looked at each other and mumbled, “What an idiot!”  Tee Bone tried to explain.   “That’s not a bad idea in theory….  Are we sure Snowman’s not the clone?” he laughed.  “But no…can’t do it, Snowman.  Two Trumps on Earth, there would be chaos like you’ve never seen.  Can you imagine the conspiracy people?”  Tee Bone turned to the clone.  “Sorry, but this is where you belong.”

Trump answered, “That’s fine, I don’t mind, just as long as you’re all safe.”

Tee Bone and Deke escorted everyone out to their ships, but there was a slight problem.  The X-Wing and TIE Interceptor could carry just one person each.  How were they going to get everyone back?  They looked around and eventually found a Martian spacecraft they hadn’t blown up, and borrowed it for a short while. Who are we kidding, they stole it. They were not going to return it.

Superdekes and Tee Bone Man climbed into their ships, while Richard Dreyfuss, Kevin and the Snowman headed to the other ship.  “Can anyone fly one of these?” asked Snowman of his crew.  Fortunately, Kevin had plenty of gaming experience and figured it out in short order.  But before the door closed on his ship, the Snowman grabbed the Donald Trump clone, and pulled him so quickly that Tee Bone Man and Superdekes couldn’t see.  With Kevin in the pilot seat, flanked by Snowman and Trump, and Dreyfuss behind at the tailguns, the pilot and passengers prepared for space flight!  Kevin pushed some buttons and activated the thrust.  With that, the three ships launched for Earth, and home.  The Trump clone smiled a dumb smile the whole way back.

 

Two months later, Tee Bone and Dekes were in their lair drinking…no surprise there!  A breaking news story suddenly flashed on the TV screen.  The broadcaster announced “Two hours ago, Former President Donald Trump had fallen, banged his head and was found unconscious. He is currently being treated at the at General Hospital.  We are going live to the hospital with an update from his doctors.”

Instead of doctors coming to the podium, it was Donald Trump himself.  He says, “‘Thank you all for coming, I appreciate the help from the doctors as they were wonderful. The smartest doctors in the world.  If you ever get hurt, you want to come get help from these doctors.  They are the best. But it is easy to be the best when you are working on the best because that is me.   I’m fine and cleared to go home.  There is no concussion, and all is well.”

A slight pause and then he added “How are you guys?  I appreciate you taking time out of your day to come and check on me. That is the nicest thing.”

Tee Bone Man and Superdekes’ eyes got really wide, and Superdekes asked, ”You don’t think Snowman switched them out, do you?”

They both shook their head, “Nah.  Impossible.”

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain) Coming March 2023

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain) Coming February 2023

 

THE EXTENDED LEBRAINIVERSE

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Advenures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain) Coming soon

 

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

 

My Great Works

Instagram spambots are the weirdest thing.  Unlike most people, I like responding to my spam.  I find it entertaining.  The spam below was in response to yesterday’s post about being “Cool”.

My response about my “great works” generated even more comments from spambots, advising me that the $30,000 was real.  But the weirdest one arrived by private message below.  So fucking weird.

The best comment came from Marco of the Contrarians who does a dead-perfect spambot impersonation:

you’ve been ingeniously living an incredible time , I’m certain you will continue on your path of success with much courageous. Message her to find out more about longevity and find out more

Cheers for the laugh Marco!

#1038: Cool

RECORD STORE TALES #1038:  Cool

Recently I’ve been thinking about what it means to be “cool”.  I certainly do not feel “cool”.  I have certainly pretended to be cool.  I had many phases of attempts at being cool.  They were mostly spectacular failures with a few notable successes.  Yet only rarely and sporadically did I ever actually feel “cool”.

As a young misfit kid with only a few close friends, I was a loner at school.  I was more interested in reading books while listening to John Williams soundtracks than hockey.  There’s a line in a Tragically Hip song called “Fireworks” that sort of outlines what it was like to have no interest in hockey.  “You said you didn’t give a fuck about hockey, and I never saw someone say that before.”  The kids at school teased me because I didn’t know who any of the Maple Leafs were and I certainly had no interest in skating.  It was just something I had to do.  My mother made me take hockey lessons and I hated the way those skates made my feet ache.  I just couldn’t wait to get off the ice where my dad would buy me a Mountain Dew.  I could barely skate and still can’t.  My mom told me that “every good Canadian should know how to skate.”  I just wanted to go home and play with my beloved Star Wars guys.  My Luke, Han, Darth, and Stormtrooper figures were always a comfort at home.  I was not cool.

Along came music and I was still not cool.  The other kids had Duran Duran and Mr. Mister while I discovered the back catalogue of a dinosaur rock band called Kiss.  I made a pathetic attempt at growing my hair.  To the other kids at school, I was the nerd who wore the Han Solo shirt a couple years ago, and was now decked out in a Judas Priest shirt that said “Rock Hard Ride Free”.  I was not cool.

I sat in my basement with my VCR, and I watched and rewatched Kiss Animalize Live Uncensored and studied Paul Stanley.  He obviously had no problem being cool.  All he had to do was tell a story about his Love Gun and he had women throwing their underwear at him.  He looked so cool when he danced on stage.  He had these tassels on his pants that twirled when he did these spinning kick moves.  I would get a tennis racket and try doing the same moves in the street in front of my house.  I felt cool.  I imagined the music behind me.  I imagined it was a real guitar in my arms, and tassels on my pants.  I felt cool…but I was not cool.

Highschool came and went, and I had a pretty low profile.  Girls didn’t know my name and I didn’t raise my hand in class.  I wanted to be cool but anonymity was OK too.  I didn’t have the baggage of my nerdy Star Wars past so I established myself as a rocker from day one.  That didn’t really make me cool; the majority of kids were short-hairs who liked music I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.  I got by, but I was not cool.

University came and went with the same anonymity, but the very foundations on which I had built my persona were crumbling.  In 1991 Kurt Cobain made greasy hair and ratty sweaters the new cool, and I was left behind in the dust.  It took two years, but in 1993 I finally cut my hair.  I went with a short hair and bearded look.  I didn’t even feel cool anymore.  I was not cool.

I don’t think I really felt a smidgen cool until I started working at the record store in 1994.  Then I had something I could boast about.  It was a cool job.  I felt a bit like an imposter, that I was not cool enough for that job, but I sure made people know I worked in a record store.  Grunge was popular, nu-metal was on its way, and I was still stuck in the 70s and 80s.  I really struggled with a persona during the record store years.  I had a variety of hair styles and colours.  I bought a pair of Doc Marten boots.  I got a whole bunch of piercings.  At this point, I started to become a little bit more successful in my dating life.  The ladies seemed to like the spiky blonde hair and the piercings.  I may have looked cool, but in hindsight it was just another attempt at being cool.  I was not cool.

I quit the record store, and I got married.  For the first time in my life, I started to feel a little cool.  I had a good job, the most amazing wife, and I had a killer wedding.  Awesome music.  We were told by mulitple guests from all age groups that it was the best, most fun wedding, they’d ever been to.  I felt awesome.  After marriage, Jen and I threw a number of killer house parties.  I did multiple studio appearances on radio.  I felt cool and I think for a little while, for a change, I was cool.

Age started creeping up on me and the years started taking their toll.  I began to take more value in how comfortable things were, rather than how cool they looked.  I had new priorities in life, like maintaining a house and taking care of a sick wife.  The things that used to matter more were trivial now.  I had to appear somewhat professional at work and be prepared to put on steel toe boots and a helmet.  Carefully crafted hair and flashy shoes had no place anymore.  I was not cool.

Yet the definitions of cool have once again changed.  Have they moved in a direction more to my favour this time?  I don’t know, but suddenly Star Wars is popular again and old rock bands pull in crowds of all ages when they embark on the second-last ever farewell tours.  Older guys with grey hair seem to be popular — looking at you Anson Mount (and Tim Durling).  Is it possible…that the time has come that I’m cool again?

I wear Crocs.  In fact now I wear Crocs with freakin’ headlights on them.  People know this.  They are aware of it.  Yet some of the coolest people in the world that I know…tell me I’m cool?

You can imagine why I’m skeptical.

I don’t think I’ll ever really feel cool.  Do you?  Have you felt cool in your life?  What did it feel like, and what did it do for your life?  I think when I feel cool, I feel more confident.  Confidence is important in moderation.  It won’t be long before I used to be with “it”, but then they changed what”it” was.  Then what I’m with isn’t “it” anymore and what’s “it” seems weird and scary. It’ll happen to you!

Ensign Durling, Captain Kevin, Lt. Cmdr Daniels and Mr. Kopp beam up their Trek collectibles

This time, the Red Shirt didn’t die!  Spoiler alert:  Ensign Durling survived all 1 hour 50 minutes of this show.  It was a marathon but for good reason.  Star Trek is a big part of our lives, and features some pretty incredible music.  Mr. Durling and Lt. Commander Rob Daniels brought a variety of classic soundtracks on vinyl, CD, and cassette.  He also had an original DS9 shooting script!  Interesting items here.  Meanwhile, Captain Kevin brought some books, DVDs and a Hallmark communicator.  Commander Kopp had a cool MAD Magazine compilation of Trek sketches from the classic comedy book.  Most of my hardcore Trek stuff is packaged away in storage, but I had some cool comics, DVDs, and handmade items that are very special to me.

Bonus:  Tim and I dressed in uniform.

Also:  Find out which DVD to watch if you wish to hear Shatner or Nimoy (we don’t know specifically whom) let out a fart.

We had an “Ask Harrison” from the Canadian Snow Turtle, and Tee Bone answered a question from MarriedandHeels regarding the Northern Lights.  Tee Bone’s eloquent answer could even bring a tear to your eye.  You don’t want to miss that.

See you next week for the Karate Kid and Cobra Kai with Dr. Kathryn and Rob Daniels!

Grab A Stack of Trek with Mike, the Mad Metal Man, and the gang

GRAB A STACK OF ROCK…with Mike and the Mad Metal Man
Episode 11:  Star Trek with Rob, Tim and Kevin

Hailing frequencies open, captain!  Tonight Rob Daniels (Visions In Sound), Tim Durling (Tim’s Vinyl Confessions) and Kevin Simister (Canadian Grooves) join Mike and the Mad Metal Man to show off some Star Trek.  I have some records, action figures and handmade items!  I’m not sure what the other guys have, but we will find out tonight.

Beam in at the locations below and join us for warp speed action.

Friday January 13 at 7:00 P.M. E.S.T. Enjoy on YouTube or on Facebook.

VIDEO: The Contrarians Showcase – Mike LeBrain

Thank you Marco from the Contrarians for this honour.  I really loved doing this interview, and I really appreciate the chance to talk about myself and the things I love the most.  I got to tell some of my favourite stories, and plug Grab a Stack of Rock with the Mad Metal Man.  I also did a horrific Australian accent.  Please enjoy!

And Marco…thanks again, this meant the world to me.

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego [MarriedAndHeels]

EDIE VAN HEELIN’ and the QUEST FOR THE LOST LEGO

By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp

“Hey Edie!” shouted a distraught Mr. Van Heelin’ from the Lego room.  “We’ve been robbed!  All my Lego is gone!”  He ran from room to room of the house, but it was true:  every single piece of Lego was missing.

Edie Van Heelin’ was relaxing with a tea and a menagerie of pets.  She had to remove about three cats from her lap to get off the recliner.

“You’re joking, right?” she asked but not without concern.  Mr. Van Heelin’ doesn’t joke about Lego.  He was continuing to search the house to no avail.

“I am not joking!” he shouted frantically from another room.  “Every set, every single piece, is gone!”  Then he added incredulously, “But nothing else seems to be missing!  What is going on here?”

Edie strode into the room that he was currently searching.  “It could be those pesky aliens again,” said Edie.  “But they’ve never shown interest in Lego bricks before.”  She paused a moment.  She knew that she was going to have to take care of this one herself.  As usual.

“I’m sorry sweety, but I need to go,” she told him.

“I understand,” he said.  “But be careful.  What’s your first move?”

Edie placed a well-manicured purple thumbnail on her chin as she thought a moment.  “I’ll need help.  Time to pay Fanboy Mike a visit up in Canada.  Don’t worry about me.  I can take care of myself.”  She gave him a kiss.  “Time to suit up.”

The Shoe Shed in the back is where Edie kept her prized collection of heels, but more than that, it also contained her ultra-secret superhero gear, and she was going to need all of it this time.  Edie zipped up her favourite rocket boots, a new pair this time by Christian Louboutin but rigged for flight with afterburners and a sweet pair of fins.  Decked in a suitably badass outfit with fishnets and black leather, Edie Van Heelin’ was ready to rock.  She applied a gadget-filled utility belt, and strapped her favourite red guitar to her back as the final touch.  The guitar was no ordinary instrument.  Enhanced with alien tech, it was a weapon in more ways than one.

Edie dropped a pair of smartglasses over her eyes and smiled.  She loved her rocket boots and it was time to fly!

“Set course for Canada,” she said to the smartglasses.  “Southern Ontario.  Fanboy Mike’s house.  Let’s fly!”

With the sound of thunder and a blast of flame, the boots fired!  In seconds, Edie Van Heelin’ was little more than a bright contrail in the sky.  It was mission time!

Winter in Canada.  Fanboy Mike’s least favourite time of year.  He stood knee-deep in snow, in his Croc-boots, panting heavily as he tried to remove the white mounds from around his vehicle.  Every shovelful that he removed seemed to be replaced by two more!  He stopped a moment to wipe the sweat from his brow, lest it freeze to his face.

“This sucks,” he said to no-one.  Everyone else seemed to be staying in today, which was wise.  He grabbed the shovel and kept digging.  It was then that he heard the sonic boom of rocket boots overhead.

He dropped the shovel into the snow.  “Yeah baby!”  He shielded his eyes as he looked for the tell-tale sign of Edie Van Heelin’ in the sky.  There she was!  Red flame and smoke contrails, heading his way.  He shouted for joy as he knew that shovelling time was over and adventure time was about to begin.  He tossed the shovel aside and watched as the superhero in black leather came to a landing.

“Edie!”  He trudged through the deep snow towards his friend.

“Fanboy!” she responded in glee.  “Great to see you!”  The two hugged warmly for a minute.

“Wait, no — don’t stop!” joked Mike.  “I’m friggin’ freezing!”

Edie laughed.  “Well it’s about to get hotter.  I’m not here to go snowshoeing with you this time.  I’m on a mission and I need your help.”

“Oh thank God,” laughed Mike.  “I thought I’d be shovelling this crap all day!”

“This crap?” laughed Edie.  “I love snow!”  She dropped on her back and quickly made a snow angel.  Laughing, she got up off the ground and wiped the snow off her fishnets and leathers.  “Sorry, I just had to.  Can’t be in snow without doing a snow angel.  Anyway, don’t worry about the shovelling.  If I remember, you have squirrels here right?”

Mike nodded in the affirmative.  “Huge, huge black ones!”  He winked.  “That was a joke.  But yes, yes we do.”

While Edie relied on her rocket boots for flight, she had one unique superpower.  He unique connection to animals allowed them to communicate.  Her animal allies helped her defeat aliens and Tommy Lee in the past.  Now they were going to help Mike.

Edie raised her arms up.  “Canadian squirrels!  Come to my side!”  In seconds, dozens of black squirrels could be seen dotting the snow, running towards Edie and Mike.  Mike’s eyes went wide as he saw the flood of animals in the snow!  He counted 18 large black squirrels, all now sitting on the haunches, at attention, in a semicircle around Edie.

“Wow, they really are big!” she said to Mike.  “OK, squirrels!  We need your help!  We are on an urgent mission and Mike has to go!  Please, help him dig out his car!  I’ll be back with a big bag of peanuts for you all, I promise!”  She blew them a kiss, and immediately the squirrels got to work, frantically digging around Mike’s car.

“That’ll take a while but you don’t have to worry about it,” she said.  “Now let’s saddle up and I’ll fill you in on the mission.  Let’s go somewhere warm.”

“Hi, do you have green peach tea, with watermelon honey?” asked Edie at the front of the line at the Tim Horton’s.  Mike tapped her on the shoulder.

“Edie, they don’t have stuff like that at Tim’s.  Just regular tea,” he advised.

“OK, just a tea then,” she settled.  The two soon had hot beverages and were seated at the Canadian institution, sipping their drinks.

“So what’s the mission?” asked Mike.  “I’ve been snowed in all day, I can’t wait.”

Edie explained to Mike how Mr. Van Heelin’ discovered that all his Lego had been taken, but nothing else.  Mike’s eyebrows rose in surprise.

“You’re not going to believe this,” he said.  “When I got up this morning, I couldn’t find my Optimus Prime Lego.  I thought Jen moved it and it got buried in laundry or something.  And I couldn’t find the Lego boxes that we gave each other for Christmas.  I was going to look for them later, but now I am thinking it’s a pointless search.”  He paused a moment to scratched his gray-beared chin.  “I have an idea.  Toys R Us is right down the street.  They still exist in Canada.  Let’s take a look and see if their Lego is gone too.”

“Good idea Fanboy!  That’s cool that you still have Toys R Us.  Of course, in California we have Legoland,” winked Edie as she finished the last sip of tea.  She stood up.  The Tim Horton’s customers stared when she did.  They were certainly not used to see a leather and fishnet clad women in nine-inch platform boots drinking tea in a Horton’s.  Fanboy smiled as he basked in his temporary attention by association.  Once outside, Fanboy grabbed hold of Edie’s waist as they rocketed to the Toys R Us store.

Inside, the pair made their way to the Lego section.  People stared, but Mike just smiled.  Meanwhile Edie just looked determined as she strode hastily down the aisle.

The empty aisle.

There was not a single Lego set for sale at the Toys R Us.  Not one minifigure pack, not one Star Wars, Marvel, Technic, or any other franchise.  Not even the old minifig pack from two seasons ago that was always under the shelves.  Nothing.  Edie was not surprised.  Mike was slowly beginning to take in the magnitude of what was happening.

“Let’s ask that guy if they have any Lego,” said Edie, pointing to a long-haired man with a broom.  Dressed in a Toys R Us uniform, the man with long straight dark hair didn’t seem to be working hard.  Mike knew what it looked like to me faking work, and that guy was definitely lazily pretending to be sweeping up.  “Let’s make him earn his paycheque,” said Mike.

“Excuse us,” asked Mike as he approached the long-hair.  The man turned to face them.  Mike was a bit stunned.  The man, a clean shaven younger fellow, looked terribly familiar.  “Umm, sorry, do I know you?  You look familiar.”

“No, we definitely do not know each other,” answered long-hair in some strange unidentifiable accent.  “Can I help you?”

“Yes,” said Edie.  “We’re looking for Lego.  Any Lego.  My husband is a big fan.”

“Sold out,” said long-hair as he resumed pushing his broom.

“Are you sure?” asked Mike.  “That…doesn’t seem possible.”

“Sold.  Out,” said long-hair dismissively as he turned his back.

“Come on,” said Mike to Edie.  “I know where we can get some real help.  I have a buddy.  I’ll give him a call.”

Fanboy Mike was proud of his rich circle of friends, many of whom he’s never met in real life.  There was Tim on the east coast, an author and music collector.  There was Rob, a local radio show host that Mike has known for decades.  And there were a couple guys way up north in Thunder Bay.  One of them was a bit of a technical wizard with a knack for problem-solving.  Mike dialled a number on his phone and was soon connected with the tech-wizard.  Mike filled him in on the situation.  He nodded with concern as his listened to the wizard on the other end.

“That’s right.  Every single Lego piece.  Gone.  Gonzo.  Double Live Gonzos,” said Mike into the phone.  His eyebrows raised.  “Really?  Yours too huh?  Your motorcycle set!  I gave you that set!  Holy crap.  This is serious!”

Fanboy paced the floor of the Toys R Us as he listened intently.  He nodded a few times.  Then he spoke.

“Ok.  Gotcha.  Understood.  We’ll be on our way shortly.  Thanks man.  I owe you one.  Again.  And say hi to your partner in crime for me.  Ciao baby,”  Mike hung up the phone and spoke to Edie.  “OK, it took some doing, but my tech wizard buddy has a danger alert system at his HQ, and he managed to jerry-rig it to detect Lego.  And guess what he found?”

Edie braced herself for bad news.  “No Lego anywhere in the world, right?” she gulped.

“Nope,” responded Mike.  “To the contrary.  All the Lego is still here.  It’s been moved.  The Lego signals were concentrated in one location on the globe.  Just one.  Care to guess where we’re headed next?”

Edie shrugged.  “Somewhere warmer than Canada?”

“How’d you like to throw another shrimp on the barbie?” he winked.

Edie’s eyes lit up.  “Australia!  I’ve never been there!  But that’s a whole continent.  Where do we start?”

Mike checked his phone for a text message.  “Here are the coordinates,” he answered.  “Australia’s east coast.”  Edie dropped her smartglasses over her eyes and scanned the coordinates.

“Got the location locked and loaded,” she answered.  “Let’s fly!”

Australia.  Summer.  The east coast.  A cloud of dust kicked up as Edie came to a landing, with Mike holding on tight.  The landscape, far from any city, was relatively barren.  Beautiful, but deserted.  A wombat burrowed nearby.  Edie removed her glasses and scanned the horizon with her eyes.

“Nothing here,” she said in disappointment.  “Nothing at all.  I’m sorry Mike but your friend was wrong this time.”

Mike shook his head to the negative.  “Not this guy, he’s rarely wrong about anything.  He said the signal was coming from within one klik of this location.  We just need to look harder.  Maybe your animal allies can help in our search?”

She snapped her perfectly manicured purple fingers together.  “Good call, Fanboy.  What’s that thing over there?”

“I can’t be sure but I think that’s called a wombat,” answered Mike.

Edie motioned to the wombat.  “Hey cutie!” she beckoned.  The wombat stopped burrowing and looked at her.  “I know you’re busy right now, but we need your help.  Do you have any friends around?  We’re looking for something in this area.”  She paused and bit her lip a moment.  “We don’t know exactly what we are looking for but I think a building of some kind.  A structure.  Do you know what I mean?”  The wombat nodded affirmative.  “OK sweet stuff.  Get your friends and let’s sweep this whole area.”

In seconds, a wisdom of wombats emerged and scurried about frantically.  As they busied themselves digging and searching, a few could be seen…pooping.

Edie blinked.  “Hey Mike, is it just me or is that poop…cube shaped?”

Mike grabbed his phone and googled.  He laughed out loud.  “Hah!  Yes, yes it is!  Look at this!”  He showed his phone to Edie.  “Don’t step on any brown cubes, it’s not Lego bricks!” he laughed.  Edie stared at the phone in a mixture of surprise and disgust.

“Noted!” she said.  “No wombat poop on my Louboutins!”

The wombats scurried around, doing their work. Suddenly, one started jumping around and making noise.  Edie saw and ran over to the wombat’s location.  “Mike!” she shouted.  “Get over here!  We found something!”  Surely enough, just inches beneath the soil, was concrete.  A hidden, buried bunker!

“How do we get inside?” panted Mike as he finished running over.  “I don’t see an entrance.”

“Neither do I,” said Edie as she scanned the area with her smartglasses.  “The structure beneath us appears to be a huge concrete cube, perfectly Lego shaped, but with no seams or openings I can detect.”  Edie then reached for her guitar, a beautiful red axe with serious modifications.  “Stand back,” she cautioned.

Mike did as told, while Edie aimed the neck of her guitar at the concrete.  She flipped a switch on the back, and hit a hidden trigger.  A laser blast jolted from the headstock, burning a neat hole in the ground.  Edie shone a light from her smartglasses down the smoking hole.  What she saw below looked almost like a warehouse, except one of Indiana Jones proportions!

“This is it!” she said to Mike.  “Your friend was right after all.  Let’s fly!”

With that, Mike jumped on her back and Edie rocketed down into the hole she had just created.  She activated some lights on her leather jacket that helped illuminate the underground bunker.  Mike turned on his Croclights.

The pair scanned the mammoth sized room with their eyes.  Boxes upon boxes, countless boxes.  Thousands, millions?  The human brain simply could not absorb the scale of the scene before them.  They turned slowly around and examined every side.  Over there, loose Lego bricks, in buckets and pails.  On that side, fully built Lego structures and sets.  The rest of the entire space of the massive room was taken up by box after box after infinite box of Lego.

“Hey Edie,” joked Mike.  “Know where I can find some Mega Bloks?”

“Hah hah,” she deadpanned.  Then she got serious.  “But who would do this?  And why?”

A voice boomed from a gantry above.  “I would!”  Suddenly every light in the building was switched on.  Edie and Mike covered their eyes as they were blinded by the sudden burst of light.  Edie could barely see a figure, a silhouette.  Suddenly the figure dematerilized.  With a shimmer of light, he was gone.  Then, a microsecond later, he rematerialized on the ground before her eyes!

“So that’s how you stole all this Lego,” she surmised.  “You have transporter technology.  Where did you get it?  Speak!”

The figure slowly became unblurred in their eyes.  To their shock, it was someone they both recognized.  Before them stood the clean-shaven, long haired man they met at the Toys R Us store in Canada earlier!  He was now dressed simply in jeans and T-shirt, his beautiful brown hair hanging like waterfalls over his shoulders.

“I swear you look familiar!” shouted Fanboy Mike to the villain.  “What’s your name, dick head?” he taunted.

“My name is Shinzon,” answered the Australian.  “I was cloned by a man named Tyranus over one of the moons of Bogden,” he sneered.  “Perhaps that is why I appear familiar to you, Michael.  Where I got my technology is of no concern to you two.  As for why I took all the Lego?”  The un-moustached Australian smiled an evil smile.  “Because I wanted it.”

“Selfish fool,” said Edie as she shook her head.

“Selfish?  Yes.  Foolish?  Look around you.  Who’s the fool and who’s the one with all the Lego?”  The Australian glared at the woman before him.  “Look at you…you think you can fight me in those heels?  If you agree to leave peacefully now, I’ll beam you back safely to wherever you came from.  What will it be, Edie Van Heelin’?  Yes, I know who you are.  I’ve heard of you.  You are starting to make a name for yourself.  Be careful.  You do-gooders are attracting the wrong kind of attention from powers greater than me.”

Edie yawned.  “Oh I’m sorry, were you speaking?  Listen, Shinface.  I just have two things I need from you and then you can take a nice vacation in prison, which is where I’m taking you when we’re done here.”  If looks could kill, Shinzon would be dead by now.  Edie set her terms.  “Firstly:  you beam every single brick of Lego back where you got it, and hand over your tech to me.  Secondly…” she paused a moment, as she had a rare shy spell.  “Secondly, how do you get your hair so silky and beautiful?  I have to know your secrets.”

Shinzon laughed.  “Let’s just say it’s a trick of the lights, no secret.”  Edie harrumphed at his answer.  Shinzon continued.  “As for the Lego?  You’ll have to make me, Edie Van Heelin’.”

Edie sighed.  “Oh well.  Prepare to get made.”

Shinzon growled, “They always said you were the Party Police, Edie.  Well not this time.”  He activated a switch on his belt.  Suddenly, from the ceiling, millions of Lego bricks poured onto to the floor!  “Try walking over those in your heels, Edie!” laughed Shinzon.

Edie laughed.  “Who’s walking, Shinface?”  She ignited her rocket boots and flew towards the villain.  With a mighty tackle worthy of the 49’ers, she easily knocked the villain to the ground.  But with a smirk, he beamed himself across the room before she could strike another blow!

Fanboy Mike was stuck on the floor of Lego, trying to move towards Shinzon but unable to get much traction.  “I’m sorry Edie!  I’m stuck!”

“Stand back, Mike,” she warned.  “This guy’s going down!”  She took aim with her laser guitar, but missed as Shinzon beamed himself to the top of a giant stack of Lego boxes.  He laughed in mockery as Edie struggled to get a clear shot.  She did not want to destroy any Lego in the process.  Then she had an idea.  She raised her arms to the sky and summoned the animals!

“Magpies!  Dingos!  Roos!  To my side!”

Suddenly, from the hole in the ceiling, poured every animal from the Australian wild!  Shinzon’s eyes went wide in terror as a magpie swooped at his head.  There was a dingo on each arm now, preventing him from activating his transporter!  Several kangaroos lined up to take the first kick on Edie’s command.  Shinzon struggled against the magpies and dingos but it was futile.  He was beaten, soundly and surely, as the animals immobilised him.

Edie aimed her laser guitar at the evil Australian clone.  “Don’t make me,” she warned.

Shinzon coughed up some red spittle as he barked back at her.  “Do it!  I double dingo dare you.”

Fanboy Mike groaned at the joke.  Edie kept the guitar aimed directly at the Australian.  “One last chance!” she warned.  “Give us the tech, and hair care secrets, now!”

The villain simply laughed.  “You don’t understand do you?  I want you to shoot!”

Edie shrugged.  Without hesitation, she fired the guitar.  The blast hit Shinzon square on.  “Ow!” he moaned as he felt the impact.  His body went limp as the animals let him fall to the ground.  Then he did something unexpected.  He smiled.  And then, like all villains ultimately must, he explained.

“My suit…” he coughed.  “My suit has a failsafe.  If I am critically wounded…it automatically beams me to a safe location to recuperate.  Goodbye, Edie Van Heelin’!  You lose!”  With that, a device on his belt sputtered sparks.  “Oh no…” said Shinzon.  “It’s broken!”  Suddenly he began to shimmer in bright light, as the broken device beamed him away.  Where to, would be impossible to know now even for Shinzon.  He had escaped…but to where?

Edie Van Heelin’ stood dejected.

“It’s OK Edie,” said Fanboy Mike as he struggled to walk in her direction.  All the animals made their way to her side to comfort her.  Mike continued.  “We didn’t lose, we won.  We saved the Lego.  Most of it, anyway.  Maybe he got away, but he may be worse off now than if he didn’t.”

Edie smiled.  “Thanks Mike.  You’re always such good support.  I guess not every ending can be the perfect ending, can it?”

Mike smiled.  “Not every ending.  But I’d give us a solid 9/10 stars for this adventure.”

“OK, 9/10 stars it is,” said Edie with a grin.  “What now?  How do we get all this Lego back to where they came from?”

Mike answered.  “I’ll give my wizard buddy from Thunder Bay a call.  He’ll know what to do.  As for what WE do now, we go for tea.  I assume they have tea in Australia!”

Edie’s eyes lit up.  “Tea time!  Let’s do it!”  With that, Mike jumped on her back, Edie lit the rockets, and the pair soared off into the Australian sky, basking in the Southern Lights.

Epilogue

On a distant world, his eyes opened wearily to an alien sky.  The stars were foreign to him.  He was now a stranger in a strange land.  His transporter was fully destroyed, the one last beam-out being the fatal one for its circuits.  Stranded.

“She won,” said Shinzon.  “But not for forever.”  He tried to stand, but fell back down into the alien dirt.

“Ow,” said the Australian clone as he laid down on his back in pain.

“My boss will not be happy about this at all.”

The End

 

 

 

THE EXTENDED LEBRAINIVERSE

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Advenures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain) Coming March 2023

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow) Coming January 2023

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain) Coming February 2023

 

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

 

#1037: Grab A Stack of Recap! (And Things to Come)

I’m so glad that Meat suggested this as a format many months ago, and that Harrison agreed to go live without much warning!

October 28 2022.  As I was leaving for work that morning, I suddenly just thought to myself, “You know, I wonder if Harrison or anybody would feel like going live tonight.  Just shoot the shit for an hour.  It might be a fun way to be social on a Friday night and it only has to be an hour.”

He did and the rest is history now.  Meat came on and we talked the new Dio movie Dreamers Never Die, showed off Lego, music, and had a lively and fun discussion.  The shape of things to come!  We didn’t even have a name for the new show yet so I ran the LeBrain Train theme song instead.  In my mind anyway, this was not the Train.  It was something fresh and unstructured and new.

At least it felt that way to me and that’s what I needed to make this fun again.  And it was fun again.

No name?  No problem.  The following morning I wrote the “Grab A Stack of Rock” theme song with Jen and sent it to Tee Bone to fully realize.  By the next show, we had an intro video!  It took under a week, though it was still undergoing revisions.

Show #2, Nov 4 2022, was a cottage show!  Tim Durling and Aaron KMA joined the Mad Metal Man and myself to show off books, rare 8 tracks tapes, box sets and model kits. Tim has since become an integral part of the show’s rotating panel. As for Aaron, he’ll make it when he’s able!

Show #3, Nov 11 2022, featured John T. Snow and a whole boatload of Japanese imports!  Shockingly, John had some Jeff Scott Soto to show off!  Most importantly, this week was the debut of favourite feature, “Ask Harrison”!  We had two enquiries, one from Jeff Taylor and one from Tee Bone Erickson himself.  The feature was a success and continued weekly from there.

Show #4, Nov 18 2022, was the debut of Robert Daniels on this new format, which he mistook for Grab a Rack of Socks! Just kidding.  Rob came in with (of course), soundtracks and stories.  Meanwhile I focused on Star Wars rarities, while Harrison had some nifty triple disc sets to show.  “Ask Harrison” returned with Tee Bone Erickson, but it wouldn’t be long before other viewers wanted in on the action.

Show #5, Nov 25 2022, is where things got serious with this new format.  We decided to hone in on the new Kiss Creatures of the Night box set with Tim Durling and Marco D’Auria of the Contrarians.  We gave the set and its surrounding history a good solid look.  Marco brought the bootlegs and Tim had vinyl, cassettes and a related 8 track tape.  Uncle Meat appeared via video, with his memories of seeing Kiss on the Creatures tour.

Meanwhile on “Ask Harrison”, it was time for viewers to get their questions answered.  Lana Teramae got her question in via Tee Bone, and new arrival MarriedInHeels inquired about Harrison’s haircare secrets — a question he dodged.

After Show #5, I took a week off to appear with Grant Arthur on Grant’s Rock Warehouse, to do a discussion on The Darkness and their discography.  Tim Durling jumped in for that one too, and it was a lively show for all involved.  And it led to later things!  (And I will be back with Grant in February to talk about Stone Gods and Hot Leg.)

With our Creatures show done and dusted, we had to keep going big.  And so we did.  We got the Snowman back and dug deep once again.

Show #6, December 9 2022, was overlong but for good reason.  We took deep dives into two Judas Priest box sets:  50 Heavy Metal Years of Music, and Complete Albums Collection.  Every disc, every album, every bonus item, we dug deep.  Those autographs are authentic, by the way, as we showed.

Unfortunately however, this was our first show since the passing of Christine McVie.  On “Ash Harrison” that week, MarriedAndHeels asked him about Christine, for which he had an excellent answer.  Meanwhile Tee Bone had something he’s always been meaning to ask Harrison about Australia!

Show #7, December 16 2022, allowed me to continue diving into box sets.  The Queen Miracle box turned out to be a favourite.  On this night we were joined by Aaron KMA once more, who had a lot of books!  Mr. Books had books?  Imagine that.  Harrison followed the books with more books, CDs, and a lightsaber.  (Can’t wait for summer when Harrison and I can have duelling lightsabers!)

On “Ask Harrison” this week, Lana returned via Tee Bone, and MarriedAndHeels threw us a curveball by asking Harrison and Mike a question each!  And it would not be the last time she’d pull a trick like that!

Show #8, December 23 2022, was the final show before Christmas and so we invited Tim Durling and Marco D’Auria back on to go out in style.  Marco had some cool Elvis and Mystique items to show, including the new DVD of the film Standing on the Firing Line.  As for me, I continued into the box sets with Rush and Marillion and unboxed a new Savatage vinyl reissue.  For “Ask Harrison”, Jeff Taylor and MarriedAndHeels returned, as did “Ask Mike”! The ever-evasive Harrison remains excellent at dodging questions!

Show #9, December 30 2022, and final show of the year as a drop in special!  With an eye to showing off all our cool Christmas gifts, Harrison and I brought the Lego, the box sets, and more.  I went on a good Guns N’ Roses rant.  Grant Arthur made his show debut with some neat Kim Mitchell stuff.  Brian Richards, who had already done the LeBrain Train previously, returned and showed off some cool vinyl among many other collectible goodies including a signed Bruce Kulick bobblehead.  And good pal Robert Daniels was on board with…shoes?  Perhaps the shape of things to come.

Finally the planets aligned, and I got MarriedAndHeels on to do a whole show.  I’d been wanting to do this since the start.  I knew she’d be great.  I was right.  Happy New Year indeed!

Show #10, January 6 2023, was pre-taped due to scheduling issues, and even so Harrison could not make it this time.  But he was with us in spirit, and even asked his own questions of us – one “Ask Mike” and one “Ask MarriedandHeels”.  Together we showed off Lego, including some brand new sets released just that week!  Of course she had to show off her heels, and we even got a show exclusive:  unboxing her new orange summer heels that I am sure her fans will love to see.

After she shared the show to her social media, it got views that surpassed every rock star interview I ever did.  For that I am very grateful and all I can say is, I hope her fans liked the show as much as I did!

I can tell you this much.

Show #11, Jan 13 2023, will see Rob Daniels, Tim Durling, and Kevin “Buried On Mars” Simister join Harrison and I to talk Star Trek.  What cool things will these guys have to show off?  It’ll also be nice to have Kevin back for the first time on this new format.

Lists will be coming back at some point.  It has been made clear to me that people miss the lists.  So, sure.  Once in a while we can do lists.  Meat will be back for that.

Join us this Friday for another Grab A Stack of Rock With the Mad Metal Man.  It’ll be out of this world!

REVIEW: Ace Frehley – Origins Vol. 2 (2020)

ACE FREHLEY – Origins Vol. 2 (2020)

Three cheers for Matt Starr!  Ace Frehley’s drummer is the “starr” of the show on 11 of the 12 tracks on Origins Vol. 2.  This is evident immediately on the Zeppelin cover “Good Times Bad Times”.  There are plenty of guests on this album, but doing justice to John Bonham ain’t easy.  Starr nails it!  Fortunately the Ace Man himself is also able to tribute Jimmy Page ably on his solo.

In fact the weakest part of the album are the vocals.  As Ace ages, his voice has gotten lower.  Some of these songs are in a lower key than usual to accommodate.  It’s also, quite frankly, difficult to get excited about a second album of covers.  A lot of the same bands are covered, including the aforementioned Zeppelin, Kiss, Cream, Stones, Kinks, and Jimi Hendrix.

It’s an OK covers album.  It’s nice to get so much Ace-sounding rock.  Frehley makes Mountain sound like his own originals, as he does “Kicks” by Paul Revere and the Raiders.  He’s a bit heavy-handed on “We Gotta Get Out of this Place”.  But “Space Truckin'”?  Not necessary, or even wanted.  “Space-Ace truckin’!” he sings and it’s borderline cringe.  “Hey where’s Jendell?”  While it’s good to put your own twist on a song, dropping your own name in doesn’t cut it.  And Ace is no Ian Gillan.  (Ian Gillan is also no Ian Gillan, but that’s beside the point.)

Among the guests, John 5 rips solos on “I’m Down” (Beatles) and the thumpin’ “Politician” (Stones).  He executes both modern and traditional rock and roll guitar solos, but goes wild for the “I’m Down” outro, on which he shreds.  Lita Ford also appears, but not on guitar.  She sings on “Jumpin’ Jack Flash”.  While there’s no denying that’s a classic song that influenced Ace, how many people have covered “Jumpin’ Jack Flash”?  Lita’s voice has barely changed since the 80s and she is easily the charismatic highlight of this overplayed tune, and a highlight of the album as a whole.  One guy whose voice has changed a bit is Robin Zander of Cheap Trick, who sings on “30 Days in the Hole”.  He can still do it with power and range, but you can hear the years.  Speaking of voices, Ace doesn’t sing on the Kiss cover “She” but the vocals are split three ways among the backing musicians, and they capture a reasonable facsimile of that vintage Paul/Gene layered vibe.

The most interesting guest of the lot could be one of Ace’s replacements in Kiss, Mr. Bruce Kulick himself.  Of course, over the years Bruce and Ace have jammed a few times, and it’s sheer delight to hear them together.  Bruce has, arguably, the best guitar solo on the whole album, with “Manic Depression”.  The guy is greased lightning, extra greasy!  It’s warming to see Ace and Bruce put egos aside and just play some music.  Any time, guys, any time.

Giving credit to Ace for one more thing, “Lola” does sound like his kind of tune.  His vocal shortcomings are obvious here but don’t really get in the way.  Whether you like that song or not, Ace has a quirky side that “Lola” fits, just as sweet as Coca-Cola.

Bonus:  the album comes with nice liner notes by Kiss scribe Julian Gill.

Let’s hope Ace has the covers out of his system for now.  Another original album, hell even a live album would be cool, but no more covers Ace, please!

3/5 stars