THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga
Chapter One: The Creatures of the Night
Starring:
- Mike the Brainiac
- Harrison El Moustachio
- Mr. Durling
- The Snowman
- Max the Axe
- Ripper the Squirrel
Kincardine, Ontario. Summer.
Moustachio was hard at work. He had an important job before him. Tim Durling, CEO of the Durling Foundation, had tasked him with an almost impossible quest: finding a copy of Creatures of the Night on 8-track tape. Harrison remembered the conversation well.
“What’s weird is, I’ve only ever seen one variant of it, the US Mercury retail. There have to be others,” said Mr. Durling.
“You want me to hunt for a Kiss 8-track tape? Don’t we have any villains to quash? Perhaps a dark artefact of evil to prevent from falling into the wrong hands?”
“Nope,” answered Durling. “It’s been pretty quiet out there. Even your mad clone Shinzon, who we now know survived the final battle with Tee Bone Man, seems to be lost in the multiverse with no way to get to us. So, this is my top priority at the moment. I have the Jexciter and the Night Ranger searching Eastern Canada, to no avail.”
“If I find one,” asked Moustachio, “What should I pay for it?”
“In order to know that, I would have to actually see one for sale, which I have not,” answered Durling.
“Ah, an easy task then,” answered Moustachio. “I’ll get the Brainiac on it, and we’ll begin our search. I take it we have your stealth jet at our disposal?”
“It is parked at the Kincardine airport right now. Off you go!” ordered Durling.
That was the conversation. The only issue now was waking a snoring Brainiac. Moustachio could hear him, over the crashing waves, all the way down at the beach.
“Always sleeping, that one,” complained Harrison as he put on some shoes and started walking. “I wonder if the original Brainiac snored this loud?”
From a window, Jennifer (aka Mrs. Brainiac) answered. “The original Michael was even worse!” she laughed. Harrison was stone-faced. He was not amused by the constant snoring, day or night. It had to stop or he’d never get any sleep himself. This new Brainiac, whom he rescued from a universe where he was all alone, was almost identical in every way to the original, killed by the evil Shinzon long ago. He looked the same. He talked the same. He was a perfect copy in almost every quality, but two. One, he was alive. Two, apparently he didn’t snore as much. They informally called him “Brainiac II” but for all intents and purposes, he was the Brainiac. He fit into our universe as if the original never died. As if he only went away for a little while.
“Hey Harrison,” said Jen. “Come back here a minute.”
Dutifully, Harrison returned to the front porch. “Yes ma’am?” he bowed. From a tree high above, Ripper the Squirrel descended, and perched upon his shoulder. “Squee squee?” asked Ripper as he joined his old friend.
“Keep an eye on Mike for me,” she cautioned. “It was fun for me to fly around in space last year, but I’d rather keep him around this time. Don’t let anything happen to him,” she instructed. Ripper nodded in understanding. He was learning English at a rapid rate, though none of the humans had really mastered squirellese yet.
Harrison saluted in return. Then, Ripper also saluted upon his shoulder. “Fear not, this is an easy mission. A fun mission. No harm will come to the Brainiac this time, I promise. Meanwhile, I’ll leave Ripper here to mind the camp with you.” Ripper squee’d in delight, for he knew that Jen stuffed him full of peanuts if he was good. Moustachio turned and left the pair to conspire. He made his way down to the beach. It was a beautiful day, with a light breeze and small waves crashing against the stones.
“Mike!” shouted Moustachio as he approached the beach. “Time to wake up! We have a mission.” He saw a still lump of a human being on the bench ahead, unmoving except the heaving of his body as he snored. Moustachio covered his ears and hovered over the Brainiac. He was unshaven and sunburned.
“Mike!” shouted Harrison from two feet away. The Brainiac did not stir. Moustachio poked his exposed belly with a stick, and suddenly he started awake!
“WOAH!” shouted Brainiac in sudden shock. “Oh…Harrison! What’s up matey?” He attempted to do an Australian accent. “Here to put another shrimp on the barbie?”
“I told you to stop talking like that,” complained Harrison. “Now come back up to the camp. We have a mission. From Mr. Durling. You’ll like this one.”
“And I told you, stop calling it camp! Our headquarters is a cottage, not a camp. We are not Northern Ontario savages. We have our own dialect!”
“Noted,” responded Moustachio. “Now get your Crocs on and get back to the cottage. My understanding is the stealth jet is fueled and waiting for us at the airport.”
“Aye-aye, captain!” saluted the Brainiac as he leaped to his feet. “What’s the mission?”
With a sly wink, Moustachio told him. “You and I are going to hunt for an 8-track copy of Creatures of the Night.”
The Brainiac’s jaw dropped. “No way…that thing is pure legend. I’ve never seen a copy, only pictures. But I have a pretty good idea where to start.”
“Where’s that?” asked the Moustache Man inquisitively.
Mike winked. “To the jet! We have to head back to Kitchener, and Max the Axe’s garage sale. Allons-y!”
The black jet cut silently through the clouds. Stealthy as a bat at night, the jet attracted no eyes as Moustachio and the Brainiac soared. The sky was a bright, vivid blue, dotted by puffs of white clouds and a gleaming yellow sun. In the pilot’s seat was the Brainiac, while Moustachio sat behind, monitoring the radar and communications.
“How about a little music?” asked the Brainiac of his friend.
“‘Flight of Icarus’ seems appropriate, without the crashing of course!” answered the moustached Australian.
“Cheerio!” exclaimed the Brainiac. The opening chords crunched in the earphones.
“Flyyyy…on your way! Like an eagle…fly as high, as the sun!” sang Mike as he pulled back on the controls, causing the jet to climb sunward. He did a fancy maneuver, testing the responses of this new stealth jet.
“Wait a minute…” gasped Moustachio. “Mike, we are not alone here! I have four bogies on an intercept vector!”
“Time to dive!” replied Mike, as the jet lurched groundward. “What do you see?”
“They’re small…four tiny blips on our radar. Too small to be manned. Must be UAV’s, unmanned aerial vehicles! They’re diving too!”
Mike pondered this information as he attempted evasive moves. The jet suddenly shot off to the west, towards the coast of Lake Huron. “I got this…besides, I know a few maneuvers, we’ll lose ’em,” he said calmly.
“We’re not losing them!” answered Moustachio.
“What the?!” exclaimed Mike as one of them fired a shot!
“This tape must be hotter than I thought,” he Mike with concern. “Try to hold them off, angle the deflector shield while I make the calculations to hit the afterburners!”
“Shields up, captain!” answered Harrison in the back. “Get us out of here!”
Mike hit the afterburners, and suddenly the jet leaped skyward. He and Harrison were pressed back into their seats as the jet continued to climb. “Flying is for droids…” mumbled Mike.
Harrison fought the G-forces as he struggled to see the radar screen. When his vision returned, the radar screen bore good news. “That did it! We are clear! Kill the afterburners!” Mike hit the the controls, and the jet began to level out.
“Whew…that was close!” said Mike as he wiped the sweat from his brow. “But who could be after us? Who is trying to stop us for getting that tape? And why?”
Harrison thought a minute, but did have one suspicion that he wasn’t yet ready to share. “I have a feeling we will find out,” he said. “But we must be on the right track if they are trying to stop us.” Mike grimly agreed with his Australian co-pilot.
“Then let’s continue with our mission, with our guard up. Once we land, I suggest we do not leave this jet unarmed,” he warned. The two were uncharacteristically quiet the rest of the trip.
“Woah!” blurted out a bleary-eyed Max the Axe. “A jet!”
Indeed, the black stealth jet was making a vertical landing right in front of Max the Axe’s garage sale. A big sign saying “Trillion Dollar Treats” hung overhead. Max shielded his eyes from the blast as the jet softly landed. He watched as two figures exited the cockpit.
“Mike! Harrison! Good to see you guys! What are ya lookin’ for? I just got in a brand new Sony CD player that can hold 100 CDs at a time.”
“No thanks Maxie,” answered Mike, shaking his hand. “We’re after something else. We’re on a quest.”
Max shook Harrison’s hand. “Where are you off to?” he asked.
“We don’t know where we’re going, we just know where we’ve been,” answered Harrison cryptically.
“Searching in the darkness, running from the day?” asked Max.
“Exactly,” answered Harrison, pointing at Mike. “This one seemed to be averse to daylight, he’s always napping!” The three laughed.
“What we are hunting for,” said Mike, deflecting the jokes, “is a very rare copy of Creatures of the Night on 8 track tape. The Kiss album.”
“I had one here last week,” answered Max nonchalantly. He started to dig through his piles of tapes. “It must be around here somewhere.” He dug more frantically, tossing audio equipment here and there, trying to get to the bottom of a pile.
“Well, Max?” asked Harrison. Max ignored him and mumbled something about how he knew exactly where it was.
Mike leaned over to whisper to Harrison. “I have a feeling this is a dead end after all.” Harrison nodded in sullen agreement.
Finally, Max emerged from a pile of broken speakers, empty handed.
“It’s been stolen!” said Max. “I know exactly where I put it, and it’s gone. I’ve been robbed!”
Mike and Harrison looked at each other knowingly. The thief had to be the same person who sent those UAV’s after them. It could not be a coincidence.
“Max, you won’t believe this, but…” said Mike before he was cut off by the sound of a large blast.
“Take cover!” cried Moustachio as he wielded his boomerang. “We’re under attack! Again!”
From around the corner came four…snowmen? Each one carried a blaster and they were approaching very slowly. After all, Snowmen don’t have legs.
“Oh, man…” said Mike, ducking with his head in his hands. He brandished a new, red lightsaber T-guard and ignited it. It crackled with wild, uncontrolled energy. “There’s only one man dumb enough to send a snowman army after us in the middle of summer.”
Harrison nodded. “I think I know who. Come on, this shouldn’t be too hard.”
As they approached closer, Moustachio and the Brainiac could see there were actually three snowmen, and one snowwoman.
“She’s a killer! A stone-cold killer!” exclaimed one snowman, as the snowwoman aimed her blaster at Moustachio. He threw his boomerang, deflecting the shot. It returned to his waiting hand, and he launched it again. This time it claimed one of the snowpeople’s heads.
“Danger! Danger!” cried the snowwoman, as Mike bisected it.
“Of all the tapes we needed, we had to seek the one that set the Snowman off!” shouted Mike.
“Well too late…we can’t stop this thing we started,” answered Harrison.
“Just don’t get reckless!” instructed Mike. He leaped into the air, did a somersault, and landed right between the last two snowmen. They took aim at him. Leaping once again, Mike was out of the way when the two snowmen took each other out with their own shots.
With the sound of a flash, Mike turned off his lightsaber. Harrison holstered his boomerang. Max had somehow fallen on the ground after all the excitement. The pair went over to pick him up.
“Easy Max,” said Moustachio. “You’ve had a busy day.”
“That was crazy,” answered Max as he lurched to his feet. “I’ve never heard of living snowmen before,” he said as he wiped dirt from his jeans.
“We have,” said Harrison. “And I know where we must go next. But we will need help.”
“Here…take this,” said Max, handing him a large box. “This has been in storage since 1984. You’ll have to break the latch off the box to open it. But don’t open it until it’s time.”
“What’s in it and how will we know when it’s time?” asked Mike.
“Trust me,” answered Max. “I’m kind of a big deal. Did you guys need some smoke detectors? I have six over here, still sealed in package. A great deal. I’ll give you all six for $20.”
“No thanks Maxie,” answered Brainiac. “But keep your radio on, just in case we need you. We know who stole your tape, and we’re going to steal it back. Mr. Durling needs it, and he will assure that you are adequately compensated.”
“Ask that Durling guy if he needs any Marillion,” answered Max.
“He doesn’t!” replied Mike and Harrison in unison.
The stealth jet was now in American airspace, heading for its ultimate destination: North Carolina. The Snowman’s compound. The Snowman was an eccentric collector, and member of the Northern Lights, whose Kiss collection boasted a copy of the Super Duper Vault, so large he had to build another house to store it. He was known for his rather useless army of snowmen. And now, our two heroes were on their way to a confrontation that neither of them wanted to have.
“I don’t understand something,” said Harrison from the back seat. “The Snowman is one of us, he is a chartered member of the Northern Lights. Why would he be working against us?”
“The answer, my dear Australian friend, is simple,” answered Mike in the pilot’s seat. “With Kiss collectors it’s every man and snowman for himself! Creatures of the Night is a holy grail tape, so rare that even Mr. Durling has never seen a copy in the flesh. Snowman is one of the world’s foremost Kiss collectors. It’s almost expected that he would crank up his war machine to steal that tape from Max. He will stop at nothing to have a complete collection.”
“Makes sense I suppose, but the idea of going to war against our friend makes me mildly uncomfortable,” said Moustachio.
“I agree with you there,” lamented Mike. “I think we can do this without anyone getting hurt. We just need to steal that tape back. It rightfully belongs to Max the Axe, and Mr. Durling will pay Max whatever it costs to get the tape, but one thing for sure is that it doesn’t belong to Snowman. He stole it, plain and simple. He can’t keep it, and we’re going to make sure of that.” Some sweat broke on his brow, and he felt tense in his stomach. “I just hope it doesn’t come to violence.”
Moustachio glanced at his radar and saw that they were close. No enemy bogies were approaching. “All clear on the radar,” he said.
Mike had a chill up his spine as he circled a clearing near the Snowman’s two houses, perfect for a landing. What was that chill? The air on his arms was standing up.
“Harrison…I feel cold…did something bad happen in this place?” asked Mike with foreboding.
Moustachio had kept this information to himself, but it was finally time to tell the Brainiac what happened.
“Yes. I had hoped you would not have to know this, but according to Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, this is where you died. Rather, where Brainiac I died, in our universe. And he was killed by my own clone, Shinzon. But I assure you, nothing like that will happen this time,” comforted Moustachio.
“So this is where your Brainiac was killed,” said Mike with grim darkness in his voice. “I don’t want to know any more.”
“Let’s put it behind us then,” said Moustachio. “I see a good place to land, right there by that stand of trees ahead. It’s far enough from the houses that we won’t seem like an immediate threat. Maybe we can talk our way out of this.”
“I thought you said you could talk our way out of this!” complained Mike the Brainiac as he dodged laser fire behind a rock. “You call this a diplomatic solution?”
“No!” shouted Harrison from behind another rock. “I call this aggressive negotiations!” He hurled his boomerang, and it struck true, decapitating an advancing snowman.
When the two had landed, they approached the two houses slowly with open hands. Harrison stashed his boomerang in his belt with no intention of using it, but then dozens of snowmen forced him to change his mind! They were now in the thick of it.
“How come I always end up hiding behind a rock?” muttered Harrison.
“At least you have me for company. Now what?!” asked Brainiac in frustration. “Hang on! My phone is ringing!” Mike stopped to answer his phone. Unsurprisingly, it was the Snowman on the line.
“You guys better get out of here now!” warned the Snowman. “I know what you’re here for, and it’s mine!”
“Snowman, it’s Mike…you remember me don’t you? That tape doesn’t belong to you. We know you stole it from Max the Axe and we’re here to get it back.”
“Of course I know you Mike…I cradled you in my arms as I watched you die! And I don’t care where you came from or how you got here but that tape is mine! I must have the precious.” Snowman hung up.
“So much for negotiations, aggressive or otherwise!” shouted Mike to Harrison. “We’re going to have to take it by force.”
“With only my boomerang, against all these snowmen?” asked the Australian as he hurled the projectile again.
“Wait…I have an idea!” exclaimed the Brainiac. I just need to hack into the Snowman’s sound system with my phone! Buy me time, Moustachio!”
“I’ll do my best,” answered the Australian, with doubt in his voice. Brainiac was frantically working on his phone, trying to figure out the Snowman’s password. Harrison stood upon the rock, and threw his boomerang again, taking out three snowmen with a single shot. It returned to his hand true as ever, but the snowman army kept advancing.
“Please hurry!” he pleaded. “I can’t hold them off forever! He must have a whole snowman factory in there!”
“I’m trying! I cannot crack this password,” said a panicked Brainiac.
“Maybe you’re overthinking it!” advised Moustachio. “Try something really stupid!”
With that, the Brainiac tried one of the dumbest passwords he could think of: PASSWORD1.
“I’m in! Harrison you’re a genius!” cried Brainiac in glee. He then quickly changed the password, locking out the Snowman. “Alright…here we go…wish me luck. Cranking the volume to 10 and hitting play…”
At that, music suddenly poured across the field. The chyme of beautiful strings and piano filled the entire area. All the snowmen stopped, as if hypnotized by the music. And then, the singing began.
“Beth I hear you calling, but I can’t come home right now,” came the voice from the massive sound system. “Me and the boys are playin’, and we just can’t find the sound…”
Laughing, Harrison jumped off the rock in hysterics. “Oh, now that’s both hilarious and genius,” he said to the Brainiac. “Call Snowman back…tell him we have the high ground now.”
Mike dialed, but the Snowman wasn’t answering. The song looped back to the start. The snowmen were motionless. “Beth I hear you calling…” repeated the song. Taking a deep breath, Mike stood and watched.
“It’s a waiting game now. How long can he endure ‘Beth’ at that volume?” said Mike to Harrison.
“I give him an hour,” said Moustachio. “Two hours tops.”
It was far shorter than that. Within 15 minutes, Snowman emerged from one of his houses, waving a white flag and carrying an 8-track tape in his hands.
“I surrender! I surrender! Please turn off that awful ballad! I can’t take anymore!” He was trying to cover his ears while waving the flag and holding the tape. If the situation wasn’t so serious, it would be quite comical.
“Hand over the tape Snowman, and Mike will stop playing ‘Beth’!” ordered Harrison, with boomerang in hand.
“Take it, take it, take it, I don’t even care anymore!” cried the Snowman. “I never want to hear that terrible song again!” He handed the tape over to Harrison, and Mike used his phone to stop the music. It was over.
The three sat at a picnic table, drinking sweet tea. The conflict had ended, and peace had fallen over the clearing. The snowmen had long since melted in the heat, creating muddy pools of water in the field. Snowman was deeply sorry for attacking his two friends.
“This is so strange,” said Snowman to the Brainiac. “The last time you and I sat at this table was the day you died,” he explained. “But I guess you’re back now?”
“Not exactly,” said Harrison. “I was lost in the multiverse. I found a version of Mike who was identical in every way to ours, but he was alone. I brought him back with me. We call him Brainiac II to keep things simple.”
“And to quote Gene Simmons, I fit like a glove!” laughed the Brainiac.
“I’m glad we can laugh at this now that it’s over,” said a relieved Snowman. “Did you ever find Edie Van Heelin’s killer?” he asked.
“Who?” asked a perplexed Brainiac in return.
“Never mind,” said the Snowman. “All’s well that ends well.”
“That it is,” said Harrison. “But I think it’s time to open this.” He placed the wooden box that Max the Axe had given them earlier on tabletop. “Max said we’d know when it was time to open this, so I think now is the time.” He used his boomerang to break the latch, and then pushed it across the table to Snowman. “This is your compensation for the Creatures of the Night tape.”
Snowman gasped. “What’s in it?”
“We don’t know,” answered the Brainiac. “Open it and see!”
And so the Snowman did. Lifting the top of the box, his eyes glowed when he saw what was inside.
“Why…this box is filled with sealed copies of Kiss Animalize on 8-track!” he exclaimed. “I…can’t thank you enough! Here, take this one and give it to Mr. Durling.” He handed over one tape to the Brainiac. “I am so happy! And I’m also glad I didn’t kill you. It would suck to see you die twice.”
The Brainiac laughed and shook the Snowman’s hand. “I’m glad too. Now we have to be off. We have an appointment with Mr. Durling, and he won’t believe it when we bring him both Creatures and Animalize on 8-track. Thank you for your cooperation, Snowman.”
The three shook hands. Mike and Harrison began walking towards the jet.
“Wait!!” cried the Snowman. “Can you unlock my stereo system before you go?”
Mike reached for his phone and laughed. “There you go – password reset. But man, you gotta think of better passwords in the future!”
With that, the two climbed on board and soared back to Canada. The first mission of the new Northern Lights now complete, the boys blasted a CD of Creatures of the Night in the jet as they made their way home. All was well in the land.
Until next mission, that is!
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA
THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS: PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA
- Chapter One: Creatures of the Night (by LeBrain)
SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS
THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’
THE WRITER’S ROOM
mikeladano.com 