Who’s the Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven? – A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story (By 80sMetalMan)

Who’s the Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven?

A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

By 80sMetalMan

1955

The band’s final song of the night ended to lacklustre applause. “Thank you very much, good night and remember your bartenders,” the singer said trying to sound grateful. He looked out at the half empty bar. Half the patrons who were there seemed more engrossed in their private conversation to pay notice to the band on stage. The other half were just plain drunk. The singer shook his head in despair and joined his band members in clearing the equipment from the stage.

“I can’t go on like this, I have a good job, so I don’t need to play in dive bars like this one in the hopes I will make the big time one day,” the steel guitarist lamented.

“Are you quittin’ the group?” the singer asked matter of factly.

“I’m not sure yet,” the steel guitarist answered honestly. I know how much more I can go on like this, playing in half empty bars to a few drunks who don’t give a damn about us.”

“He’s right though,” the drummer suddenly chimed in. “We’ve been playing in shit holes like this and ain’t getting’ nowhere.”

The singer sighed and grabbed one of the beers which was still left. Taking the can opener, he poked holes in opposite sides of the top of the can and took a long gulp. Once he digested the amber liquid, a sudden thought came to him. “Let’s not make any decisions tonight. Let’s all go home and have a good night’s sleep and think about it.”

Everyone in the band seemed to accepted their singer’s suggestion. They gathered up their equipment and packed it all away, most of it in the singer’s pickup truck before all headed home.

He wasn’t surprised that no lights were on as the singer arrived home to his trailer. After all, it was two-thirty in the morning and his wife would already be asleep.  Trying to be as quiet as possible, he opened the door and crept in. Plopping himself down on the small couch, he opened another beer and started drinking. After one long guzzle, he sat staring at the wall, reflecting upon the disillusionment of his band. What frustrated the singer was that he knew that they had the potential to make it big, they just needed a break.

After finishing the beer, the singer wasn’t sure if he was drifting off to sleep while sitting on the couch. Furthermore, he couldn’t decide if he was drunk or just tired but he was definitely sure that he was looking at a human figure with what looked like horns on his head. The figured beckoned him to come forward, which he obeyed.

“God, I gotta stop drinkin’ so much,” he thought to himself as he moved towards the figure. When he got a few feet away, the figure held out his hand and commanded, “Stop!” His voice reverberated through the singer’s head.

“Who are you?” the singer asked.

The figure laughed a deafening laugh which again rebounded back and forth inside the singer’s skull. “I am known by many names, but you know me best as Satan, or the Devil.”

“This must be a dream,” thought the singer, but not totally sure if he was thinking it or actually saying it.  His ponderings were interrupted by Satan’s booming voice. “You want to be a music star? Well I can make that happen.”

“What? Do I have to give you my soul or somethin’?” the singer sneered sarcastically.

“That’s exactly what you must do!” Satan’s booming voice nearly knocking the singer off balance.

“Look,” the singer explained once he regained his balance. “I might be a hard drinkin’ man but I’m a God fearin’ one too.”

“Oh, I’m not requiring you to stop fearing God,” Satan responded in a softer voice. “I’m just asking you for your soul and in return, I’ll make you a star.”

“Really?” the singer returned with a hint of sarcasm. “I’ll tell you what, I’ll sign your contract and see if you make me a star.”

The Devil reached into what seemed like a coat pocket and pulled out some papers. “You will sign, then?”

“Why not, I have nothing to lose except for my soul,” the singer snickered. He went over to a table which seemed to suddenly appear from out of nowhere and after a brief read, taking not of the clause that he would achieve stardom, signed his name.

“Good, good!” Satan bellowed with glee. “Tomorrow, after you’ve sobered up of course, go to Sun Records in Memphis. You will see that I will keep my end of the bargain.”

“I must be crazy,” the singer thought to himself as he drove his pick up truck into Memphis. Fortunately, the recording studio wasn’t hard to find and he found a place to park fairly quickly. As he walked up to the studio’s front door, he question the sanity of what he was doing. However, he concluded, “What do I have to lose?”

Carefully holding the reel of tape with his band’s recording and guitar slung over his back, the singer walked through the front doors of Sun Records. When he got in, a red haired lady wearing too much makeup briefly acknowledged him. Not sure of what to say, he stammered, “I have this tape of my band, I was hoping one of your executive types could give it a listen.”

In a practised tone, the receptionist automatically responded, “We can’t touch any unsolicited material.  Do you have an agent?”

The singer shook his head. He stood there for a moment not knowing whether to insist or leave. Just then, three men came through the door behind the receptionist. He vaguely recognised two of the men but there was no doubt as to the identity of the third. Elvis Presley was known, not only to him, but now becoming a big name around the Memphis area.

“Hey, are you a singer or musician?” Elvis asked the singer out of the blue.

Momentarily taken aback, the singer nervously stammered back, “Yes, I sing and play some guitar.”

“Ah, nice,” Elvis responded and then he suggested, “Why don’t you join us for lunch? Maybe we can play together after.”

The singer couldn’t believe his luck. “Hell yeah!! he let out at an unintended higher volume.

Following a lunch of burgers and fries at a local diner where Elvis, his two band members and the singer talked about their musical influences, many of which they shared, he joined them for a jam session which went on to late in the evening. When he got to sing, Elvis pointed out, “You have a very distinctive voice. I like that deep bass sound you got.”

The kind words lifted the singer’s spirits to a new high but they rose even higher when Elvis invited him to come back the next day. As he drove home that night. He thought to himself, “Maybe selling my soul to the Devil wasn’t such a bad idea.”

2003

He didn’t experience any out of body experiences nor did he see any white lights. Instead, the singer found himself surrounded by near darkness with only a dim light above. When his eyes focused, he saw a familiar looking human shaped figure coming towards him. Instinctively, the singer headed towards the figure, thinking that he should meet it half way.  When they were twenty feet apart, the figure stopped and held out his hand beckoning the singer to do the same. He obeyed. His eyes now fully adjusted, he could now make out the identity of the figure standing before him. Even though, it had been nearly half a century since their meeting, he recognised the Devil straight away.

“You’ve come for my soul, I suppose.”

Satan let out a loud laugh which rebounded through the singer’s head. “I’ve kept my end of the bargain. You can’t say that you haven’t had a great singing career, selling millions of records and even getting a Grammy for Lifetime Achievement Award. You even had your own TV show in the early 1970s and have been in movies. I think you had the stardom you were seeking. By the way, was you dressing all in black some sort of sign that you sold your soul to me?”

“Hell no!” the singer exclaimed. “That was just an image and I thought our meeting was some sort of drunken dream. Besides, you know that I made my religious views quite clear and even sang at Billy Graham Crusades.”

“You did,” the Devil affirmed. “But drunk or not, you did make a bargain with me and now it’s time for you to keep up your end of it. God can’t get you out of this one.”

“You’re takin’ me to hell then?”

A sly grin appeared on the Devil’s face. “Actually no, I have other plans for you. I’m sending you to Rock Heaven instead. You’re going to be my eyes and ears there.”

“Rock Heaven? Is there such a place?” the singer looked totally confused.

“Yes, Rock Heaven,” Satan further explained. “Ever since Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper and Riche Valens died in that plane crash in 1959, Rock Heaven has been the place where all rock stars go after they’ve passed from the mortal realm. God, using the archangel Michael as his representative, and I agreed to create the place where rock stars can spend eternity making music. However, I can’t go there unless I’m invited which is why I’m sending you there. Besides, I know your buddy Elvis is waiting for you.”

The singer nodded, “Fine with me.” He had barely finished speaking when he noticed that Satan had disappeared and a large door now stood before him. Instinctively, he opened the door and stepped into a large well lit room. He knew the person coming to greet him right away.

“Hello, my friend, welcome to Rock Heaven” Elvis greeted the new arrival. The two briefly hugged and when they separated, the room was suddenly full of other rock stars who had passed onto this realm, eager to greet their newest friend. Jim Croce was the first to shake the singer’s hand. “I’ve always wanted to sing a duet with you,” Jim smiled, “And now we have an eternity.”

Not Long Ago

All the denizens of Rock Heaven headed to the big meeting room, attendance was mandatory. Elvis and Buddy Holly, at the insistence of Ronnie James Dio and Lemmy ,called for this emergency meeting. No one was quite sure the purpose of the meeting but the singer, like everyone else, went in and found a seat.

Once the congregation was settled and quiet, Elvis addressed the audience. “We have a serious problem down on Earth.”

“You’re damn fucking right we do!” Lemmy interrupted.

“Calm down Lemmy,” Elvis soothed. Turning back to the audience, Elvis continued, “Someone on Earth has invented a time machine and has gone back in time with the intention of wiping heavy metal from existence.”

A chorus of  boos arose from the heavy metal contingent.

“All the members of Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Rush, Aerosmith, KISS and even Alice Cooper have all been assassinated. Their souls are in Limbo at the moment but I don’t know how long for. We’ve got to act to save heavy metal.”

All of a sudden, the singer sprang to his feet. When acknowledged, he suggested, “I think we need help from Heaven and Hell. Maybe Satan and God can help us.”

Phil Lynott also quickly rose up, “He’s right. We need to have outside help on this.”

“I second that,” Eric Carr added. “I don’t want to see my old bandmates in Limbo.”

“Agreed,” Elvis stated.

Just as soon as Elvis stopped talking a voice rang out. “Is somebody asking for help?”

While the rest of the congregation was slightly startled at the two new arrivals, the singer knew one of them straight away. It was the keeper of his soul.

“Allow me to introduce myself,” the speaker began. “You all know me as Satan, yes, me in the flesh.” Then turning to the personage next to him, he said, “I see God has sent you, Andrew.”

“Yes, they did,” Jesus’s apostle confirmed. “We need to get this mess straightened out.”

The two guests made their way to the center of the stage, Elvis taking a step back for them. Giving Elvis a thankful look, Satan addressed the audience. “I know of three people who can help us. Two are super heroes known as Tee Bone Man and Superdekes who reside in Canada. I’ve encountered those two personally.” A bad taste briefly swirled in the Devil’s mouth. “The other is a rock historian known as the Metalman. He can be found in England.

Andrew suddenly took over. “We in heaven have always feared something like this might happen and we are prepared. I’ve brought some divine items and have shaped them into forms you would be most comfortable with.” From seemingly out of nowhere, Andrew pulled out an electric guitar, a pick and a book. He further explained, “It’s best these items aren’t taken to Earth together, at least not the guitar and pick. One group should take one to the superheroes, and the other to this Metalman.”

The apostle handed the artefacts to Elvis who accepted without question, thanking both him and Satan. With that, the two beings promptly disappeared but the singer was certain that the Devil had given him a sly wink before he departed.

“Right, let’s get down to business, “Elvis demanded. After some short deliberations, it was decided that Ronnie James Dio, Lemmy, Jeff Hanneman and John Bonham would take the pick to Tee Bone Mane and Superdekes while Ronnie Van Zant, Randy Rhoads, Cliff Burton and AJ Pero would take the guitar and instruction book to the Metalman. Those chosen immediately left for their missions without further procrastination.

The singer, along with all the patrons of Rock Heaven rejoiced when each of the murdered bands was saved and history put right again. No one was surprised when Jimi Hendrix, Bon Scott and Malcolm Young were dispatched to provide further assistance in saving Led Zeppelin. When Satan and Elvis returned with the ring leader, known as Suplee and his minions, they did so to thunderous applause.

“These good guys and gals will be our guests for all eternity,” Elvis chortled as he led the captives through Rock Heaven. “The can spend their time listening to the very music they tried so hard to destroy.” His words were met by more raucous applause and shouts of triumph. “We thank Satan and St. Andrew for their help in restoring rock history but the real heroes are Tee Bone Man and Superdekes. I’ve sent a request to God, and Satan here agrees that when their souls do claim, that they both join us here in Rock Heaven.”

Satan used the crowd going nuts over their victory to slip through the crowd. As he did so, he stopped in fromt of the singer and whispered, “Thank you for getting me involved. Your efforts are duly noted and when I take over Rock Heaven, you will be my right hand. After all, these rock stars should have been in hell with me to begin with.”

A smile appeared on the singer’s face as he watched his master vanish. In his mind, he though to himself, “There’s going to be some fireworks around here very soon.”

Read the Adventures of Tee Bone Man Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure for the crossover story!

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

  • Noirison:  Chapter One (by Holen)
  • The Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven (by 80sMetalMan) 
  • Shinzon:  Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp) TBA
  • Noirison:  Chapter Two (by Holen) TBA

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

#1081: Have I Ever Really Enjoyed A Concert?

With the Dead Daisies having just played here, and Sven Gali coming this fall, this seems like a timely posting for today.

RECORD STORE TALES #1081: Have I Ever Really Enjoyed A Concert?

A few years ago, I outed myself as someone who suffers from high anxiety in public places.  That wasn’t easy for me.  I had this reputation as this cool music guy, but contrary to that image, my concert resume was light.  People did wonder why there were bands I loved, like Iron Maiden and Judas Priest, that I had never seen live.  I won a ton of concert tickets from the radio, Kiss, I Mother Earth, Billion Dollar Babies, and lots more.  Yet at those shows, I wasn’t anywhere to be seen.  Why?

I’ve avoided a lot of events over the years, big and small, just because that anxiety makes it really hard to actually push myself out the door.  I’ve paid for tickets…many tickets…and never attended.  The money wasted is one thing, and missing the event is the other.  I blew my chance to meet Sean Kelly and Andy Curran at a Coney Hatch show in Waterloo.  Sean even promised me.  I blew it.  Couldn’t do it.  Too anxious.  Small room, lots of bodies.  So uncomfortable, being conscious of every human surrounding me, and trying to maintain a small amount of personal space.  Keeping my limbs tight to my body.  Feet firmly planted on the ground.  That’s what a concert feels like to me.

How can you enjoy a concert when your whole body is on red alert?  I can ignore it somewhat, but it’s always there, clawing away at the back of my brain.  My eyes dart from one side of the room to the other, as I battle the feeling of imminent panic.  Always tickling my nerves, asking me if I’m truly comfortable?

I’m not.

In concerts, my mind wanders.  How many more songs?  Will that guy with the beer spill it on me?  What about the guy pounding his fists behind me?  Will he lose track of his personal space and make contact?  What about that girl in front?  She’s so tall, I can’t see the drummer, but if I move, I might lose sight of my friends.  Those kinds of thoughts.  Seated shows are not as bad, but there’s still the usual anxiety before and after.  Standing in a line close to other people.  Exiting the venue with the mob.

Can you truly enjoy and lose yourself at a show when these kinds of anxieties are always gnawing away at the mind and stomach?  I have a hard time.  I have a hard time feeling comfortable.

I can think of a couple times when I truly did enjoy myself.  Small shows.  Familiar venue.  Lots of friendly faces in the crowd that I knew from work.  Feeling more like home.

Scratching Post was a band I saw twice under circumstances like this.  They were great!  I shouted and screamed and rocked!  They were at a small room called the Banke, which no longer exists.  I had been there a number of times to see friends’ bands.  It felt like all the usual faces were there; welcoming and inviting faces that allowed me to drop my fears and anxieties.  I lost myself in those shows at the Banke, with those people.  I truly enjoyed those concerts.

Another example was Brent Doerner’s Decibel at another small venue.  Jen and I had a table (hardly any seizures back then) and the band knew us.  Their manager came up and introduced himself.  I felt like a guest of honour in some ways.  That was a show I thoroughly enjoyed.

I didn’t feel that way at Rush in 2008.  Jen had a fall down some stairs and I just wanted to go home.  We left during the intermission.  We never caught the second half of the show.  Too many people, too much of a crush, and I was not enjoying myself at all.  I could not wait to get the hell out of there and get home.  I was always checking on Jen to make sure she was safe.  It wasn’t a good vibe.  The tickets were a wedding gift from her.

So, have I ever really enjoyed a concert?  A few.  Small ones, more like parties with friends than concerts.  Sadly, I think that euphoric concert experience of losing oneself in the music and the atmosphere is one that is totally lost on me.

 

 

REVIEW: Arkells – “Ticats are Hummin'” (2012 iTunes single)

ARKELLS – “Ticats are Hummin'” (2012 iTunes single)

Disclaimer #1:  I hate all sports.

Disclaimer #2:  Of all the sports, I hate football the most.

I do love the Arkells, and for them, I’ll download a song about football, and dang it, I’ll even enjoy it.

“Ticats are Hummin'” is a tribute to the Arkells home team, the Hamilton Tiger-Cats.  They have a rivalry with the Toronto Argonauts.  And that’s about all I can tell you about the Ticats.  I do like this song.  Alot!  It is a bright, boppy and upbeat tune with a guitar and piano delivering the main musical hooks.  Of course, there are plenty of those patented “woah, oh oh!” vocals that Arkells fans adore.

Saw some old friends,
From down in T.O.,
But old Queen Lizzy,
Will take them back home!

They look so sad,
At the end of the night,
Blown out like Pink Floyd back in ’75!

“Queen Lizzy” refers to the Q.E.W. – the Queen Elizabeth Way, a major highway connecting Toronto and Hamilton.  I sometimes wonder if the Arkells staunch commitment to local references in their lyrics has held them back from international success.  I think these references only enrich the music and add to their down-home vibe.

“Ticats are Hummin'” would have been one of the band’s first recordings with new keyboardist Anthony Carone.  It preceded their excellent High Noon album by a couple years, but you can hear elements of where they were going, with the indelible pop melodies.

This track was released to iTunes with proceeds going to the Boys and Girls Club of Hamilton.  It also received a physical release, on a rare 2 CD compilation called Everybody Dance Now – Songs From Hamilton, Volume 8.  Be on the hunt.

5/5 stars

Rock Daydream Nation: Coverdale Page – Is this Led Snake?

This is what we were up to Friday night, hence no episode of Grab A Stack of Rock.  Worth it!  I had a great time on Rock Daydream Nation with Peter Kerr, Tim Durling, John Clauser, and Reed Little.

This time we took a fairly deep dive into Coverdale-Page, the 1993 album and project featuring Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin and David Coverdale of Whitesnake.  We discussed the history, the rumours, the tour, the performances, and of course the songs.  Was it more Led than Snake, or vice versa?  What were our first impressions when we heard Page and Coverdale were teaming up?  What songs would we choose to spotlight?

We also spent a moment honouring the fallen Bernie Marsden (Whitesnake).  Rest in peace, Bernie.

All this and more.  Hope you like it.

#1080: S.A.D. Origins

RECORD STORE TALES #1080: S.A.D. Origins

As long as I can remember, I’ve hated winter, and craved the warm rays of summer.  My dominant genes are Mediterranean.  My not-so-distant ancestors made their living on the balmy coasts of Sicily, and Amalfi before that.  I was never cut out for the cold months.

I took hockey lessons as a kid.  I hated putting on those uncomfortable skates and all that cold-weather gear.  “Why do I have to take hockey lessons, mom?”

“Every good Canadian boy should know how to skate,” she answered.

Why?  Why couldn’t I just stay indoors where it was warm and I didn’t have to bundle up in three layers to go outside?  Hockey lessons never appealed, and to this day, I can’t really skate.  I mean, I can go forward…I can turn…but I can’t stop.  So, I can’t really skate.  Do I care?  No.  It’s been 27 years since I was last on skates.  More than half my life ago.

I can’t ski.  I can’t even get on the chairlift properly.  I haven’t been on skis since…1986 maybe?  No interest whatsoever.  We would build snowforts and take toboggans downhill, but I would much rather it be warm outside, riding my bike and playing in the sun.  The winter was always wet and messy.

My earliest memory of seasonal affective disorder was studying a globe with my dad as a kid.  I’ve long been obsessed with maps.  I’d study maps until the cows came home.  This time, we were looking at a globe.  He was explaining how the analemma on the globe worked: that figure-eight line that tracked the movement of the sun over the 12 months of the year.  The line can be traced by finding the position of the Sun as viewed from the same position on Earth at the same time every day.  In the winter, the sun can be found travelling the line in the southern hemisphere on our globe, but my dad explained, once December 21 came and went, the sun would be making its way back north again.  I would look at the globe and find the date on the analemma.  It sure made it feel like summer was coming, to see it translated into mere centimeters on a globe.

It’s quite remarkable that I was feeling those feelings as a kid.  Not even 10 years old yet?  Counting the days until the sun was back in the northern hemisphere.  To the days when I shed my outer skin of parkas and boots, and went back down to a T-shirt and shorts, basking in the comfort of the Canadian summer.  Seasonal affective disorder has been with me at least that long.

Another memory:  winter time, putting on my layers to go outside.  By the time all the layers were on, I didn’t want to go outside anymore.  My parents really struggled with trying to keep me active in the winter.  I wished I could have hibernated through it all.

I wonder if the added component here was school?  I hated school.  I hated the bullies.  The summer represented time away from all of that.  I wonder how much that fed into my seasonal affective disorder?

I guess that’s something I can explore with my mental health team this winter, as I try new strategies to stave off the S.A.D.ness.  We have some tentative plans and vitamin D is on the menu.  Let’s make the most of it.

Wish me luck.

 

No Show Tonight: Taping with Rock Daydream Nation!

Did you enjoy the Vinnie Vincent Invasion episode we did with Peter Kerr on Rock Daydream Nation?  If so, you’ll be happy that I’m recording with him again tonight!  Yes it’s true…I get around the YouTube like the town bicycle.

I’m thrilled to be joining another Rock Daydream Nation show about another super-secret topic, this time with a serious cast of characters!  Tim Durling, John Clauser, Reed Little and I will be alongside Peter to discuss one of the most talked-about albums of the early 90s.  A personal favourite.  In fact, Deke and I interviewed the co-producer several years ago, on the LeBrain Train.

I’ve narrowed it down for you…now it’s time to guess!

Mike Fraser takes us inside the recording studio on an epic LeBrain Train

Another reason I’m excited is that this is my first official show with John Clauser, who I like very much and have been looking for a chance to work with.  Can’t wait to chat, John!  Check out John Clauser at My Music Corner on Youtube.  This outta be good.

REVIEW: Night Ranger – High Road (2014)

NIGHT RANGER – High Road (2014 Icarus Music)

This is the second of three Night Ranger albums given to me by Tim Durling, and the second I have reviewed “live” with him. It is also the second, and last album to feature Joel Hoekstra on guitar who was soon off to join Whitesnake, where he remains today.

The title track “High Road” opens with some highbrow keyboards and an immediate melody. There’s a nu-country vibe to the chorus, but Jack Blades keeps it in rock territory. Tim Durling says he hears Damn Yankees, and I get that too, but I do hear that twang. “No the **** you don’t,” says Tim. The Gillis guitar solo is absolutely mental, tickling all my fancies. Great song…even if I’m hearing something that isn’t there. Sounds like summer to me.

Per Tim: “Here’s the problem with “new country” – most of it is just 80s rock with a slight twang – therefore, when a band like Night Ranger that legit came from the 80s makes new music, and it’s not super heavy, it could easily slide into that…and I HATE THIS!” Me too buddy, and that’s probably what I’m hearing.

The opening guitar of “Knock Knock Never Stop” recalls “Poundcake”, but this track could have worked on a certain 1983 by a British band from Sheffield…perhaps it already did! That’s the ballpark we’re in. It’s a popular place. Heavier guitars roll in on the groover “Rollin’ On” which sounds like a Morse/Airey-era Deep Purple classic. Not a sound you hear often, so bring it on.

“Don’t Live Here Anymore” is the first slower tune, but it’s got blues in the vocal and passion in the soul. Amazing vocal, just right in the pocket with grit and heart. Perhaps there’s a Whitesnake vibe here. Coverdale could easily “coverversion” this song. Then suddenly it picks up, and we’re in a Rainbow riff, kicking asses and scorching minds. This wouldn’t be a ballad, but an epic — because suddenly here are the angelic Night Ranger harmonies. If that wasn’t enough…it’s solo time! Epic, just epic, in arrangement, performance, production, mix…head to toe epic. The centerpiece.

A fun guitar riff opens “I’m Coming Home”, and I’m getting light progressive vibes overall. This track rocks in an 80s way, but not simple or straightforward. There’s tension, release, and pounding melodies. Midway, Jack throws down a neat bassline, right before a ripping solo tears your head off.

“X Generation” continues the hammering vibes, but in a modern context. It’s the first song that is failing to connect. Nothing bad about it, just didn’t have the same impact as the previous five tunes. Sounds like a number of bands from the Night Ranger era, making it work in the 2000s. Skid Row with Sollinger on lead vocals, perhaps.

“Only For You Only” is a lovely piano ballad with Jack singing, something akin to what some people expect from Night Ranger. These guys can really sing and that’s what sells it. For some steam, check “Hang On”! Slow and grooving with keyboard accents and a chugging bass, this song is boiling hot. Killer tune, delivering the heaviness without having to go full bore. Solos that burn. Awesome sauce.

Then, the spirit of Eddie Van Halen comes to the house on the intro to “St. Bartholomew”, an absolutely scorching song, at Fahrenheit 451. Once again, the vocals make it uniquely Night Ranger. Other bands may attempt songs of this nature, but few have the combination of chops and vocals that Night Ranger has. Unique dual solo here too with Brad and Joel Hoekstra trading licks.

The “standard” track list shows 10 songs, with “Brothers” being an acoustic closer. Definite Shaw-Blades vibes here. Hippies singing in a field, with a guy playing an electric guitar with the sun blazing behind him…that’s what I see. As per Tim, “and anyone stepping within twenty feet of any of them gets a huge contact high.” They were definitely spinning “Hey Jude” before they wrote this ending.

Then we have the two “bonus tracks”, though we don’t know why! They do sound separate from the album because “Brothers” is an ideal closer. “L.A. No Name” is an acoustic workout, with the two guitarists playing a beautiful classical and Spanish influenced number that could have been a textbook workout for expert students! This is not lightweight, not by any stretch.

The last song is bonus track “Mountain Song” which really shows off Jack’s creativity as a writer of basslines. It has an “Eye of the Tiger” vibe, but far heavier and punchier. Tim: “It’s similar to “Halfway to the Sun” from 1988’s overlooked Man in Motion album.”

A solid 4/5 stars. The first “side” is stronger, but there’s nothing to skip.

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: Tee Bone and Superdekes Vs. The Lego

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA


Chapter Nineteen: Tee Bone and Superdekes Vs. The Lego

“Woah!  Look what I found!” exclaimed Deke from beneath a pile of boxes.

It was cleaning day at Deke’s Palace.  Time to make everything spic and span, for winter was coming and it was well overdue.

“Is that what I think it is?” asked Tee Bone.  “Has it been sitting here all this time?”

Deke blew the dust off the box.  “We’ve been so busy, we just haven’t had time,” said Deke.  “Hey…I have an idea.  Let’s put cleaning duty on pause.  Let’s build this instead.”  Deke tossed the box over to Tee Bone, who caught it in one hand.

Tee Bone gazed with admiration at the box.  “A custom Lego version of Deke’s Motorcycle, a Christmas gift from the Braniac.  Sure.  Why not.  I haven’t built Lego since I was a kid!  Might be fun, right?”

Deke slowly got up from his crouching position on the floor.  “Absolutely should be a lot of fun!  Let’s get the Scotch and get building!”

The two were now seated across from each other at a large work table.  In his hands, Deke held the Lego box, while Tee Bone looked on.

“Ready?” asked Deke.  Tee nodded yes, and Deke ripped into the box with glee!  He dumped the contents out on the table.  Before them were a dozen clear plastic baggies, all numbered.

“Did Lego always come like this?” asked Deke.  “When I was a kid, I remember boxes with compartments in them.”

“Me too…” answered Tee Bone.  “But this looks easier.  Do we just start with bag one?”

Deke leafed through the instructions.  “Yeah…looks like it.  Ready to open it?”

“Go for it,” nodded Tee.

With a mighty rip, Deke dumped the contents of the baggie onto the table…and onto the floor.

“Oh, shit,” he moaned.

At that, both men got up out of their seats and began crawling on the ground, picking up little coloured bricks of plastic.

“Wow…this one’s pretty cool,” remarked Tee Bone upon spying a neat little brick with studs on all sides.  “We sure didn’t have this one as kids!” he said.

Deke removed his glasses to have a closer look.  “Wow…that’s cool for sure.  So now you can build sideways as well?”

“I guess!” said Tee as he resumed searching.  “In fact I don’t recognize any of these pieces.  Remember when Lego used to be square bricks?”

“That’s how it always used to be!” answered Deke.  “Square bricks, flat pieces, and some wheels.  That’s all I had?”

“Think this new Lego is too challenging for old guys like us?” asked Tee, somewhat serious.

Deke laughed.  “Nahhh!  We’re grown men who save the world on a regular basis!  We’re not going to be taken down by a Lego set for kids!”

“We won’t make it far if we don’t find all these damn parts!” chided Tee Bone.

The two men searched and searched, and after about 45 minutes, were finally satisfied that they had found every last brick, plate, tile, slope, pin, and wheel.  Tee Bone slowly got to his feet, but his legs were cramped and his eyes were strained.  Deke was in roughly the same condition.  He slowly took his seat, making sure not to twist his back in an uncomfortable (eg: painful) way.

“How come I feel like I’ve gone a round with Tyson, and we haven’t even put two bricks together yet?” asked Deke.  “Lego sure ain’t what it used to be!”

Tee Bone had taken his seat and was now leafing through the instruction booklet.  “I don’t even know what these pieces are!” he exclaimed.  “Look for a red thing with holes on the sides,” he asked.

“There’s a lot of red things with holes in the side,” said Deke as he sifted through a pile.  “In fact there’s a couple different shades of red.  Shoot man, when I was a kid, Lego was red, white, blue, black, green, and yellow.  That was it!  I can’t even tell the dark greys from the light greys…”  He squinted.  “Maybe we should go do something else?”

Tee Bone was startled at the suggestion.  “Deke, this says ‘Ages 18 and up’.  How old are we?”

“Well then you look for the red thing with holes, I’m going to put these two black pieces together, like it shows in the instructions,” responded Deke.

Tee Bone shook his head.  “Deke!  Step one, and we already got it wrong.  See, there’s two different black ones there…a left slope and a right slope.  You grabbed the left, but it’s supposed to be the right.  Right?”

Deke squinted again.  “Shit.  This Lego is hard, dude!”

“Don’t tell Brainiac!  Whatever you do, don’t tell Brainiac.  He puts this stuff together while writing articles and making videos at the same time!”  Tee Bone made it clear that he was serious.  His face spoke of severe consequences if Brainiac ever discovered they were having such a hard time.

“Put on a record,” answered Deke.  “Let’s make our pain less…painful.”

Tee Bone chuckled, selected a record, and set the needle on the last track.  “Hee hee,” he mock-chuckled as he tip-toed back to his chair.  Helix blasted through the speakers.

“Bangin’ off-a-the bricks!” belted out Brian Vollmer from the turntable.

Deke gave Tee Bone a deadpan look.  “Seriously?”

Tee Bone laughed.  “Too much?”

“Yeah, and don’t put on ‘Another Brick in the Wall’ next, wise guy!” answered Deke as Tee Bone went to go change the record.

Tee Bone selected something else instead, an album that would remind both of their younger days.  Kiss Alive rested on the platter, and the needle dropped.

“Perfect, the hottest band in the land!” shouted a re-invigorated Deke.  “Let’s kick this Lego’s ass!”  The two high fived each other and got to work.

Three Days Later…

Tee Bone was passed out on the couch.  Deke, in his favourite armchair.  On their work table in the middle of the room stood an impressive sight:  a perfectly built Lego Ultimate Collector’s Series custom Flying Motorcyle, just like the real thing in the garage at the Palace.  They did it.  It took three days, two bottles of Scotch, four pizzas, six Dekeburgers, twenty chicken wings, and the entire discographies of Kiss and Van Halen (1978-1996 only), but they did it.  Now, they slept like babies, exhausted from their work.

Deke’s computer suddenly rang, waking up the superhero from his well-deserved slumber.  He creaked upwards and stumbled towards his desk.  With a touch of the mouse, he answered a video call.

“Hello?” he asked, as his blurry eyes slowly focused.  “Brainiac?  What are you doing calling at…1:00 am??”

Brainiac was on the screen, smiling but puzzled.  “What?  1:00 am?  What are you…oh…Deke…you’ve got your watch on upside down.  It’s 7:00 pm.”

“Oh!  Yeah I knew that,” said Deke trying to cover for himself.  “What’s up?”

“I was just calling to check in, see if you found out anything about Moustachio’s whereabouts…oh hey!  There’s the Lego motorcycle!  Holy shit, it looks great Deke!  How much fun was that to make, eh?”

Deke stumbled over his words.  “Yeah it was really…awesome!  Tee Bone was saying, he…loved doing Lego…and, yeah!”

“…Great!” answered a puzzled Brainiac.  “Well I can see you guys have a lot going on, so I’ll let you get back to it.  So nothing on Moustachio yet?”

Deke was happy to change the subject.  “No, I’m sorry to say, we don’t know what happened to him.  My working theory is that he got sucked through a portal of some kind.  To where…and how…I couldn’t begin to fathom.  I can tell you this goes far beyond anything in our known physics.”  He took a deep breath.  “Sorry man.  We’re not quitting until we find him.”

“I know, you’re good guys.” sighed Brainiac.  “Alright, well, I gotta run, Leafs are losing and Jen’s not happy, so I better go get her some coffee.  You know how it is.  Say hi to Tee for me!”

Brainiac signed off, and Deke breathed a sigh of relief.  He turned in his chair to notice Tee Bone was also awake.

“Thanks for not blowing it to the Brainiac, Deke!  I thought for sure I was going to have to stun you,” smiled Tee Bone.

“Hah-hah,” deadpanned Deke.  Tee Bone then revealed a stun gun under his cape.  He was indeed serious.  The two exchanged looks.  There was an eerie silence as neither man knew how to react.  Finally, Tee Bone broke the silence and chuckled huge guffaws of laughter.

“Aww, crap!” he said.  “I was only going to stun you on the lowest setting, you know!  Payback for stunning me back when I had the cursed Iron Maiden socks, I guess!  But seriously…if the Brainiac ever finds out it took us three solid days to put that thing together, we will never hear the end of it.  You know it’s true!”

Deke pondered, laughed, and put his friend’s mind at ease.  “Don’t worry man, I’m just as embarrassed as you are.  Let’s get some shuteye and we’ll both feel better in the morning.  You know what’s funny?” asked Deke.

Tee Bone gave him the side-eye and answered, “No…”

“What’s funny is that to guys like Brainiac and Harrison, and children of all ages…Lego is fun!”

“Must be something wrong with all them!” shrugged Tee Bone.  “G’night Deke!”

“G’Night, Tee!”

With that, the two heroes went to their rooms, calling it an early night.  The motorcycle stood proudly in the center of the room, shining like a trophy.  An accomplishment.  Which it was.

Looking for a snack, Ripper the squirrel entered the room.  He spied the motorcycle.  Just his size, he reasoned.  No harm could possibly come from trying it out.  Just sitting on it.  Nobody will know.  Ripper forgot that he was hungry, and ran towards the table.  He gingerly climbed aboard.  Lego reminded him of Moustachio.

A mighty crashing sound, deafening to squirrels and chipmunks alike, didn’t even wake the two slumbering superheroes.  The remains of the motorcycle were strewn all over the floor.

“Squee, squee,” he muttered.  Squirrelese for “Aw, crap.”

And with that, Ripper gathered the pieces, opened the instructions, and began assembling the Lego one more time.

The end.

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

  • Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
  • Chapter Nineteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes vs. the Lego (By LeBrain)
  • Chapter Twenty:  The Death of… (By LeBrain) September
  • Chapter Twenty-One:  The Fate of… (By LeBrain) October

 

  • Noirison:  Chapter One (by Holen)
  • The Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven (by 80sMetalMan) TBA
  • Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp) TBA
  • Noirison:  Chapter Two (by Holen) TBA

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

 

Grant’s Rock Warehaus: Helix – Part Two: Back for Another Taste w/Tim Durling & Mike Ladano

Here’s one of the super-secret tapings I’ve been talking about! Helix – Part One was the Capitol Years with Martin Popoff and Tim Durling.  I twisted Grant’s arm and talked him into covering the rest of the Helix story.  In Part Two, Tim and I joined Grant to discuss everything Helix from Over 60 Minutes With… to Live in Buffalo.  There’s a lot of story there, from Paul Hackman’s unfortunate death to the lineup changes that followed.  Some great music too:  Back For Another Taste, It’s A Business Doing Pleasure, Half-ALIVE and B-Sides being some of the highlights we discussed.

In Part Three we’ll finish the story, going from Rocking In My Outer Space to “Brother From Another Mother”.  We will also discuss the first two Helix albums in detail since some killer reissues fall in these years.

Gimme an R and check out Grant’s Rock Warehaus!

My Appreciation for the Mad Metal Man – a tribute to Harrison

Today, I salute Harrison Kopp, the Mad Metal Man…and why?  Because he deserves it.  This is for you Harrison.

I first met Harrison several years ago, when he began reading my Record Store Tales, Iron Maiden reviews, and other postings.  He wrote to me, I responded, and over the years we became friends.  He was a fan of my writing, and I was a fan of his staunch defense of Blaze Bayley, even over the protests of Aaron KMA.  No, Harrison likes what he likes and he sticks to his guns.

For the artists Harrison follows, he knows everything about their live setlists over the years, like a heavy metal encyclopedia.  I consider him an expert on the subject.  If you wanted to know if Iron Maiden or Alice Cooper ever played such and such a song, he’d know, and he’d be able to tell you if it’s on Youtube.

Now that I think about it, perhaps Harrison is a highly sophisticated robot?  Nahhh…robots don’t have moustaches, or glorious manes of genuine Australian locks.  He’s too talented to be a robot.  His clever wordplay has led to some of the most adventurous Tee Bone Man episodes.  And then we have his Lego art, improving by the month.  If you thought Noirison was amazing, wait until you see what is coming.  You should really follow him on Instagram to see what he’s doing Lego-wise.

In 2020, I met Harrison face to face for the first time via the LeBrain Train.  Today, he has become the reliable and faithful co-host I had been looking for all the while.  Thank you, Harrison.

And, he’s a friend.

Here’s some Blaze for ya.

 

Mike