Open Door Piss

#390: The Open Door Piss Strikes Back


#390: The Open Door Piss Strikes Back

I will never forget the night we invited a bunch of friends over to play Rock Band.  It is unlikely that any of our guests will have difficulty remembering either.  For the night of the Rock Band party was also the night of the return of the Open Door Piss.

It was a mixed crowd, a bunch of people who hadn’t met before.  It was one of the first parties we hosted as a married couple.  Jen invited a couple of her co-workers from RIM, I invited one of mine and his wife, and of course I had to ask the incredible Uncle Meat to attend.  Meat is quite a singer, you see, and my Rock Band crowd was short on singers.  I was the only other attendee who liked to sing.  My songs were “Painkiller” by Judas Priest, “Paranoid” by Sabbath, and generally any rockers I was comfortable with.

Uncle Meat’s speciality was the lead vocal on Rush songs: “Closer to the Heart, and “The Trees”.  That was fun for my buddy Chris, a fellow fan of Trailer Park Boys.  When Meat took on “The Trees”, I excitedly told Chris, “This is the song Ricky’s always complaining about…how trees talk to each other and how different parts of your brain work!”

We got a couple of beers into him, and Uncle Meat nailed “The Trees” note for note.  He did an excellent job, while one of Jen’s co-workers did a pretty good Neil Peart on the drums.  High-fives all around.

After putting 100% into his vocal performance, Meat excused himself.  “I have to piss,” he said.  “Where’s the washroom?”

Down the hall Meat went, just at one of those moments that happen in every party, when things quiet down.  Tired from rocking track after track, we all sat quietly talking in the living room, just when we heard the sound.

It was the old, familiar trickle of an open door piss.  Familiar to me maybe, but not someone like the wife of my co-worker!

“Is that…is he…” she muttered, and everyone stared in the stunned silence of simultaneous realization.

“He’s peeing with the door open?” someone asked, and I nodded to confirm!

Meat re-emerged to the now-silent living room.

“Hey Meat!  Did you have a good piss?” I asked.
“Huh?” he responded, wondering why I’d ask that question.

“We could hear everything!” I laughed, cracking up.  “You forgot to close the door, we heard every drop.”

“Oh!” said Meat sheepishly.  “Yeah.”

Laughter broke the tension, but I will never let Uncle Meat forget!


Part 199: Hooray! Hooray! It’s Stock Transfer Day!

RECORD STORE TALES Part 199:  Hooray! Hooray! It’s Stock Transfer Day!

A couple weeks ago, I was out driving, rocking to Kiss’ Hotter Than Hell.  Suddenly I realized the car in front of me was being driven by my former boss at the record store.  We happened to be going in the same direction.  I followed him as he pulled into the old record store, where he turned off.  He didn’t see me wave but from the stop lights, I could see him go to the back of the vehicle and pull out a big box of discs for the record store.

This brought back a vivid memory — Stock Transfer Day!  STD!

Twice a week, the local store managers were required to travel to a central location to pick up stock from the other stores.  This stock could include special orders being transferred from store to store.  The majority of the boxes were full of stuff for our shelves, and fresh jewel cases since we went through hundreds a week.  These would fill the trunk, pile up on the back seats, and once in a while the passenger seat too.

The managers decided to do stock transfer on Monday nights, and Thursday afternoons.  I hated Monday nights and Thursday afternoons.  The only good thing about stock transfer was the chance to see some of my store manager friends, such as the eternally interesting Joe.  It was during one of these stock transfers that I witnessed the immortal Open Door Piss.

What bugged me most about the stock transfer arrangements were that the time, gas and mileage on our cars was considered to be “part of our salaries”.  This part of it really sucked, as you could spend a good chunk of your night hanging around doing nothing, waiting for someone.  Sometimes a traffic accident or tie-up on the highway could screw somebody’s route home.  That’s just the way this city was(n’t) planned out.

So while you’re waiting for someone with some orders that you absolutely need, you’re sitting doing nothing, burning your own time.  This happened frequently in winter, but in the summer too.  While this is ensuing,  at home your porch is unoccupied and lacking in beverages.  And that is a shame.

Next time on Record Store Tales…

200th episode!!

WTF SEARCH TERMS: “Exersises for the Plumber Butt”

R.I.P. George Jones, age 81.

A little while ago, I said that the Klassic Kwotes well had run dry; I was starting a new feature.  This is that feature — let me know if you find it entertaining.

WTF SEARCH TERMS Part I: “Exersises for the Plumber Butt”

Crack = Bad

As a WordPress site, I have access to certain statistics.  I can see how many hits I’m getting per day, for example, and how many are unique visitors.  Some of my visitors are very, very unique.

Some of the more interesting particulars that I’m able to see are search terms.  Search terms that people typed into Google (or Yahoo, or whatever) that led them to me.   Search terms that boggle the mind as to a) what they were looking for, b) how it led them to me, or c) both.  Here’s a selection of some of the most entertaining.  This is just the tip of the iceberg.  If feedback is positive I’ll post more in the future.

Keep in mind two things!

1. Each of these are real search terms, typed in by real people on a search engine like Google.

2. Somehow, each of these search terms led them to ME!

Without further delay…enjoy.

exercises for the plumber butt

big breasted lebrains

my lebrian secret

domestic dog shit

doorway piss

shiting discas video

big butts in leather pants

fuck my old boots history

double penetrator

And finally, one guy who used an apt search term to find this site:

Part 169: Open Door Piss

RECORD STORE TALES Part 169:  Open Door Piss

I used to work with this guy, Joe.   People who know where I worked, they know Joe.  And they know Joe is a very, shall we say, unique person.  Funny as hell, but there is nobody like Joe.  Straight from my journal, here’s the proof.  I call this one the Open Door Piss.

Date: 2005/11/26 23:52

So I’m with Joe at work, talking about work or something. The conversation is as follows:

Me – (babbles on about work or something)
Joe – Hey, keep talking, follow me though.
Me – Where are we going?
Joe – Just follow me.
Me – OK, ummm, into the bathroom?
Joe – No, just stand outside, keep talking though.
(I hear him upzip his pants)
Me – Are you peeing?
Joe – Yeah man! It’s the open door piss! So what was I saying before? Oh yeah…(continues conversation).

Joe’s a pretty interesting guy.

A couple years later, I was having a Rock Band party at my house, during which Uncle Meat also did the Open Door Piss.  Must be a Record Store Guy thing?