sweet pepper klopek

REVIEW: The Legendary Klopeks – Straight to Hell (2002)


Happy Canada Day! Here is your Can-Con for this holiday: The Legendary Klopeks. According to bassist Mike Lukacs, “We used to always play Shannon [Larratt]’s Canada Day BME BBQ every year. Always liked that.”

For a review of the Klopeks’ first album Homicidal Suicidal Klopekticidal by Aaron at the KMA, click here!

THE LEGENDARY KLOPEKS – Straight to Hell (2002 Pink Skull)

Once upon a time, in Niagara Falls Ontario, there was a band.  This was a band unlike any other.  They were fronted by future Guinness’ World Record holder Sweet Pepper Klopek.  Sayeth the Huffington Post, “Sweet Pepper Klopek…has set many Guinness World Records [and] managed it again by lifting a 5.4 kilogram, or 12-pound, sledgehammer suspended from two huge fish hooks plunged through his cheeks.”  Mixing punk rock, wrestling and humour, their best album is the 24 track Straight to Hell.

Every song ends with the words “fuck you!” and almost all are under three minutes.  There are also several tracks only a few seconds in length, and yes, even they end with “fuck you”!  Some sample song lyrics:

“Where’s my soup?  Fuck you!” (“Where’s My Soup”, 10 seconds)

“Touch my dink in the ditch.  Fuck you!”  (“Touch My Dink in the Ditch”, 12 seconds)

“Turtlenecks and armpits.  Fuck you!”  (“Turtlenecks and Armpits”, 20 seconds)

For the record, “Where’s My Soup” has long been this writer’s favourite Klopeks tune.  For a while I considered getting a “Where’s My Soup” tattoo.  A tattoo shop in St. Catharines Ontario used to offer free tats to anyone getting Klopek ink.  And I did consider it, but ultimately decided against.  After all, how did I know that in 10 years time, my favourite song wouldn’t be “Terry and the Ass Pirates”?  Or “Bush Party Hand Job”?  Or “She Fell Off the Couch” which has an actual guitar solo?

The fact of the matter is, every song is fast, brittle, vulgar and incredibly fun.  The lyrics are fuck-laden beyond conception.  The Big Lebowski himself has never dropped so many F-bombs in just 33 minutes. Nothing is taken seriously. Most songs start with bass noodling via Lemon Kurri, moving on to Sweet Pepper screaming like a man possessed. Regardless, these are actually really good punk songs! There is nothing polite or safe on this CD — that’s why they called it Straight to Hell!  No apologies.  “When it’s all said and done and I’m dead and gone, life’s a fuckin’ game, and fuck you I won!”

5/5 stars

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Part 279: Record Store Gallery Deux

RECORD STORE TALES Part 279:  Record Store Gallery Deux

I found another whack of old photos going back to the record store days.  Allow me to take you on a guided tour!

Gallery #1:  This would have been 2002.  The tragus was the most painful piercing I experienced.  It was the only time that somebody said, “he’s turning white, get him some juice to drink.”  The piercer was my friend Lois who works at Stigmata in Guelph.  She was apprenticing, with me as a test subject.  She even gave me the labret stud that they pierced it with, so the experience was free!  Note that Marillion shirt, and my then-sveldt shape!

Gallery #2:  A variety of sushi and fancy dinners with our Niagara Falls store owner Lemon Kurri Klopek, Guinness’ Book alumnus Sweet Pepper Klopek, the British piercer Sarge, and the mysterious man known only as Mr. Lebowski.

I look like a goth Leprechaun.

Gallery #3:  New arrivals! My birthday 2004! The Paul Stanley interview picture disc was from a friend in York, England named Kim. The Marillion singles were a birthday gift from a guy in France named Charly. And the Marillion Marbles deluxe edition was a gift for me, from me, that happened to arrive at the right time!


Last Words:  I love that this photo gallery contains three completely different facial hair styles:  A simple goatee, my Ian Paice mutton chops, and finally a full beard.  Cool!

Gallery: Christmas Haul 2013

Music, movies, and books! I’ve been very occupied these last couple days.

I get the Guiness’ Book of World Records, and the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not books every year. I imagine my surprise when I discovered a friend of ours in both books! Apparently, Sweet Pepper Klopek holds the world record for “Most Baking Sheets Buckled Over the Head for One Minute.” This is a guy who has been on my living room couch!  Lemon Kurri says:

“He’s in there a couple times. Most mouse traps sprung on a tongue in 1 min too.”


Part 155: Sarge


As I mentioned in an earlier chapter, I had once explored the world of piercings.  It was a part of record store culture and I’ve since moved on, but I did make many friends in that world.

One of those friends was Lemon Kurri Klopek, who I also mentioned earlier.  Lemon Kurri was the bass player for the Niagara Falls based punk band, The Legendary Klopeks.  Through the magic of the internet, Lemon Kurri and I befriended a guy named Sarge, “the best piercer in all of southern England”.  Sarge came to visit Canada on a couple of occasions, and in fact helped the Klopeks play their first overseas gigs.

Sometime in the 1990’s, Sarge opened his shop, Metal Fatigue, in Bournermouth.  His reputation grew and he became quite successful.  “I can’t move in my local rock nightclub for people the shop has pierced, the running joke is about the scrap value in titanium every Saturday night!” said Sarge.

On one of Sarge’s visits, I had the chance to witness his work up close and personal.  And not just something standard like an ear or nose piercings, I had the chance to witness a really unusual one.

A local girl had seen Sarge’s clavicle piercing on the internet and was interested.  It’s a very unusual piercing that involves going underneath the collarbone.  Yes, underneath.  There’s a piece of jewelry made of flexible plastic and two metal balls, and that’s how it’s done.  Sarge was one of very few people who did it.  This girl eventually emailed Sarge about getting one done, not realizing he lived across the ocean.  However, Sarge was planning on coming and visiting his Klopek friends that summer.  The Canadian could have her clavicle piercing after all.

It was quite a sight to watch.  “The clavicle piercing (under the collar bone) is probably my ‘trophy’ piercing now, its really dangerous,” says Sarge.  “If I hit anything untoward, someone may die.  I have had loads of criticism from various piercers for even thinking about doing one. Saying that, I have now done 8 and they all love them so much!  I have stopped doing them now, as we are into unknown territory, watching them heal, working around possible problems with them.  So far everything has been hunky dory.”

I still have some pictures from that day.  The gentlemen in the photos are Lemon Kurri and Sweet Pepper Klopek, the bassist and singer from the Legendary Klopeks.  I have no idea why Sweet Pepper is all bruised in the face.  With them was a Scottish chap named T-Bone who took photos.  And of course Sarge and his client!  And Sarge’s boots.

To get us back onto the subject of music, Sarge tells a great story of some rock encounters in his travels across the pond.

“I met Jon Anderson from the band Yes when I was working at a hotel once!  Had a beer with him after work, he was doing some book signing thing, I think I still have his autograph somewhere, he signed a copy of a (Yes cover artist) Rodger Dean art book for me!”

But my favourite story involved his meeting with one of rock’s most notorious frontmen.

The year was 1986.  Sarge was out at the bar.  Although he had no way of knowing, Philip Lynott from Thin Lizzy had died that day, and the bar was playing his music in tribute to the fallen rock hero.  Sarge, however, was not a fan.  When he openly criticized the music of Thin Lizzy with some choice words, a large man with “bad teeth, long black hair and a low gruff voice,” told the young Sarge to fuck off.  This was Sarge’s first and last meeting with the infamous Lemmy Kilmister!