Fiction

The Writer’s Room: Return of the Snowman

Continued from The Writer’s Room:  New Year’s Grieve!

 

“Hey guys,” said Mike as he entered the Writer’s Room.  The sullen faces of Harrison, Aaron, and the Metal Man looked back at him.  Missing, however, was their companion John Snow.  How should Mike begin?

“How should I begin?” he asked rhetorically.  “Last time we all met up, our friend John T. Snow was kidnapped through a multiversal portal.  You all saw it.  It was like our stories come to life.”

There was muttering around the table.  Troubled muttering from the smaller group of friends.  It was Harrison who brought the table to order.

“I don’t understand,” he said with unusual worry in his voice.  “It was as if my own Lego art had come to life.  The orange portal.  It opened right behind John.  Then I saw a pair of hands snatch him away as he screamed for help.”

“I saw it too,” said Aaron.  “I still can’t believe my eyes.”

“Nor I mine,” agreed the Metal Man.  “I am worried about the fabric of our reality.”

“What’s the latest report from the police?” asked Harrison of Mike.

“Where do I begin…again?” signed Mike.  “Both Canadian and American police forces are still looking at all of us as suspects.  They have the video footage from Holen’s webcam.  They all saw what happened.  They just don’t believe it.  And I can’t blame them.  To them, all they know is an American citizen walked into this room and never walked out.  And we were the only people to witness it.”

As if on cue, Holen’s monitor came to life.  As usual, his image was distorted and noisy, but that only added to his sense of mystique.

“Hey guys,” he greeted the table.  “Sorry I’m late.  I’ve been working and I have news.”

“Holen, thank goodness, please, tell us,” said Mike to the screen.

“Well,” began Holen, “I have done some digging around the Dark Web, and I can tell you something very interesting.  These orange portals…it was not an isolated incident.  There are 14 reports from 11 different countries, of similar phenomenon.  A bright, orange, circular portal opens and someone or something emerges from the other side.  Now, this is where the reports start to differ wildly and we must be scrutinous.  Some people reported robots coming through.  Others saw Satan himself.  One guy claimed that Elvis, Bruce Lee and Liberace were on the other side, drinking margaritas.  I think we can discount that one.  But here’s the thing guys.  Five of the reports could be interpreted to include characters from our stories.  I’m not kidding.”

There were gasps.  A few jaws on the floor.

“Go on Holen.  Which characters?” asked Metal Man.

“Satan is one.  The robot is two – relating to a story that Harrison and Mike are writing.  Tommy Lee appears in one report, that’s three.  A monster resembling our parademons was sketched by another witness.  And finally…finally…”  Holen paused.  “Well, see for yourself.”  Holen put the image from the report on the screen.

“That’s…that’s…” said Mike in awe.

“Yes.  It is.  A clean-shaven Harrison Kopp,” finished Holen.  “Just like our character of Shinzon.  A character we invented.  Or rather, a character Mike invented.  And now here he is in a portal report from, you guessed it, Australia.”

“Impossible!” said Mike, pounding his fist on the table in frustration.  “Impossible!”

“But there it is,” said a solemn Holen.

The usual stoic Harrison was rattled.  He was clearly shaken by the image before him.  He hadn’t seen himself clean shaven since he was a child.  He hardly recognized himself…but he did.

“I elect we shut down the Adventures of Tee Bone Man immediately,” said Harrison, very quietly.  “This has gotten out of hand.  We are meddling with powers greater than that dreamed of in our philosophy.  If what we are writing becomes real…well, it’s all over.”

Mike turned white as a ghost.

“Harrison…it’s not real.  He’s not real.  The Eater of Worlds.  He’s not real,” cautioned Mike.

“But what if he is?” asked Harrison without a hint of rhetoric.  “We have to consider the possible.”

Aaron raised his hands.  “Excuse me.  Who’s the Eater of Worlds?”

“He’s the Big Bad at the end of the Multiverse Saga of Tee Bone Man,” answered Mike.  “We stole a character from another franchise to be our villain behind everything.”

“Like Galactus?” asked Aaron.

“Like Galactus, yes,” answered Mike.  “But he’s not real.  He’s a character they invented back in the mid-80’s to sell toys to kids.  He’s not real!”

“But if he was…” said Harrison in the most ominous voice anyone had ever heard from him, “…he would be our ultimate doom.”

Mike got a shiver up his back.  But it was impossible.  They were just a group of friends, making up a story.  None of it was real.  In real life, Tee Bone was just a guy, a nice guy who didn’t fly or battle dragons.  John T. Snow…was just a guy who collected music; he wasn’t an eccentric billionaire.  How could these characters they were writing about be appearing in real life places?

Metal Man spoke in a calm, rational voice.  “It could be these are all just coincidences.  I think for now, we should discount them, and return our focus to the search for John Snow.  Has anyone resembling him or Richard Dreyfuss appeared in your searches, Holen?”

“I hadn’t thought of searching for Dreyfuss sightings.  Let me run a few keywords,” said the image on the monitor.

Aaron sat silent, solemnly waiting.  Not a single “Wahoo!” or “Give’r!” from him this time.  He then spoke.  “I have to be honest, I’m more worried about John than I am of the suspicious cops, thinking we did it.  We didn’t, and there’s no evidence.  We’ll be fine.  But John…I saw him disappear!  Before my eyes!  I’ve never seen anything like it and I hope he’s OK.”

Suddenly Holen spoke.  “Guys…we just had a Dreyfuss sighting.”  Holen pointed from his screen, to a point behind the men sitting at the table.  They all turned, and looked.

“Hi guys,” said a voice as a man stepped out of an orange portal.  “I’m back!”

The Richard Dreyfuss lookalike waved and smiled.  The orange portal closed behind.  John T. Snow was back!

TO BE CONTINUED…

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

Deep Black Rainbow – The Full Concert by 80sMetalMan, from the Adventures of Tee Bone Man

On New Year’s Eve, Tee Bone Man hosted his amazing concert featuring the denizens of Rock Heaven.  John T. Snow, Harrison Kopp, Aaron KMA, 80sMetalMan and I all contributed a set to the story.  (Holen tried, but was unable to finish.)

It can now be said:  80sMetalMan was so into this story, that he wrote six pages!  This would not work in the context of Tee Bone Man’s chapter with all the writers involved.  We needed a story with reasonably equal sections from each writer.

Undaunted, the MetalMan edited down his section for the story.  However, the full expanded text is now available at his WordPress site!

Thank you to the MetalMan for your contributions to Tee Bone Man over the last two years!  Check out his expanded concert set.  It’s pretty awesome.

Tee Bone Man stories by 80sMetalMan:

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: Tee Bone Man’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Twenty-Three: Tee Bone Man’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve

By: Mike, Harrison, Aaron, John and Michael

The stage was, quite literally, set!

Deke’s Palace hadn’t been this abuzz with activity since its early days as a whiskey distillery. Back then, it was technicians in lab coats scurrying about their business. Today, it was the finest road crews that the Great White North possessed, summoned together for a concert unlike any other.

On the very roof of Deke’s Palace, a mighty stage had been erected.  Somewhere in the world, a retired Gene Simmons was crying in his cheerios that Kiss had never managed a stage show like the one being assembled on this day.  For today, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes have arranged the ultimate concert.  Massive speakers were being hoisted by crane, while Deke observed from the snowy ground below.  He glanced over his glasses, checked something off a checklist, gave a thumbs up to the crane operator, and walked over to a nearby Tee Bone Man.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this for a change, but we’re right on schedule!” shouted a cheerful Deke over the grind of machinery.

Tee Bone smiled.  “I told ya!”  He patted his friend on the back.  “Thanks for doing all the hard work on this one Deke.  If those guys thought last year’s Christmas party was something else, wait until they see what we have ready to roll for New Year’s.”

Deke laughed.  “Well, it’s our friend the Metal Man who helped arrange the bands tonight.  But yes, those guys will not see this one coming.  I think it’s safe to say that nobody’s ever seen a show like the one we’re putting on.”

“Staging it on the roof of Deke’s Palace was your idea, and a brilliant one at that,” complimented Tee Bone Man.

“Thanks!” beamed Deke.  “It was the only space big enough for the entertainment we have planned.  The backdrop will be pretty epic, and the industrial heaters we rented will make it feel like a spring day outside.”

“Do we have final numbers on attendees?” queried Tee Bone Man.

“Not everyone has RSVP’d yet,” answered Deke from behind a screen as he looked up the data.  We have 65 ‘yes’ responses, 14 ‘no’, 23 in the ‘maybe’, 95 who have not read the email yet, and Max the Axe who responded with a postcard that just said ‘you gotta’.”  Deke paused to shake his head.  It was Tee Bone Man who recruited Max into the Northern Nights, while Deke had his reservations!  “Some of the ‘yes’ respondents include Aaron, Snowman, Metal Man, the Mars Man, King of the Sharks, and the Durling Foundation.  They said they’d be sending some reps.  Strangely, they are to arrive by dirigible…”

“We should open up a large batch of tickets to sale for the public,” said Tee Bone, skeptical that everyone would make it to Thunder Bay Ontario for a concert in the middle of winter.  “Help us recoup some of the cost for the equipment rentals.”

“Rentals are covered,” said Deke as he checked another item off his list.  “Thank the Snowman.  He’s  covering the whole show.”

“What about booze and herbal remedies?” asked Tee.

“Max the Axe sent a care package a week ago.  It also contained a VCR and a number of 8-track tapes, but I haven’t ascertained why,” answered Deke matter-of-factly.

Tee Bone turned somber a moment.  “And what about Moustachio?”  Their friend had disappeared months ago through some kind of energy portal.  “Think he’ll make it to the party or am I just wishing upon a star?”

“He won’t be making it,” said Deke as he patted his friend on the back, “but he’s alive out there somewhere.  There’s no evidence he didn’t survive.  He’ll be back.  Maybe not this year, but we’ll get him back.”

A brisk wind blew snow in the faces of the two friends.

“I think these guys have this under control,” said Deke as he packed away his clipboard.  “Let’s go inside, get some hot cocoa, and talk song requests.  Right now, only you, me and the Metal Man know who’s playing.  We’ve custom picked musicians for each of our friends, but we haven’t thought about what we wanna hear yet!  We have lists to make!”

With that, Tee Bone Man was airborne!  “Race you to the door!” he cackled as he soared away.

Show Night

Backstage was buzzing, but security was tight!  Absolutely nobody was getting close to the dressing rooms.  Deke had hired the best and only the best.    Groupies in scantily clad outfits and sky-high hair were waiting for a glimpse at anyone with a musical instrument.  Nobody had seen a thing.

The stage was black, but mountains of amplifiers could be made out with the naked eye.  A web of lighting hung overhead.  Enough seats for every invitee were waiting, some already filled.  Meanwhile, hundreds of people filed into the general admission section as Tee Bone opened sales to the public.  It seemed unfair, he reasoned, to deny the public a chance to see this historic event.  A webcast was set up to stream, and people were expected to tune in by the tens of thousands.

At side stage, from his own observation area, sat the little black squirrel named Ripper.  Moustachio’s faithful companion, Ripper had been living with Tee Bone and Superdekes every since Moustachio disappeared.

“Squee!  Squeeee squeeee!” cried the little squirrel.  Tee Bone Man answered the call and was soon by his side.

“What’s up, little buddy?” asked Tee Bone as he petted the animal to calm him down.

Ripper pointed to the giant stacks of rock power around him, Marshalls all.  He pointed to his ears and shrugged.

“Oh!  You’re worried about the volume!” said Tee Bone as he snapped his fingers.  “I forgot!  Deke made these for you.  Happy New Year, Ripper.”  In the palm of his head, Tee Bone presented a teeny tiny pair of military grade earmuffs.  “These will protect you, little guy.  Enjoy the show alright?”

Ripper nodded yes with glee and put on the muffs.

Tee Bone strolled around the area, looking for his friends.  Taking a seat near the front of the stage was an unmistakable Meaty Man.  Tee Bone raced over with a smile on his face.

“Meaty Man!  You made it!  We really weren’t sure!  We haven’t seen you since we saved you from the Sasquatch, in what seems like ages ago.”

Tee Bone offered a hug and the Meaty Man accepted.  He lit a cigarette.

“Well, ya know,” he shrugged.  “Someone sent me a plane ticket, so I figured what the hell.”

“That would have been me!” screamed the Snowman as he appeared from the crowd, hand extended for a shake.  “I had to make sure you didn’t miss this show tonight.”

The lights began to suddenly dim.

“You guys take your seats!  I gotta go!  Enjoy the show!” said Tee Bone Man as he departed once again.

A few spotlights came to life on stage.  There was a low hum.  People shuffled into their seats as a few more lights began to move about, as if hunting.  Then a voice boomed!

“THUNDER BAY ONTARIO!  You wanted the best…and you got more than you bargained for!”

Then the floodlights exploded into brilliance, and a fully suited Tee Bone Man was standing there on stage, arms extended into the air!

“Get ready for the party of your lives, Thunder Bay!  Deke’s Palace is proud to present…the Stars of Rock Heaven!”  A slideshow of faces from rock stars past scrolled on the massive screens behind.  John Bonham, Lemmy Kilmister, Ronnie James Dio, Jeff Hanneman…and so many more.  An audible gasp could be heard from the crowd.  A few mumbles and whispers.  “Could it be?  Could it really be?”

As if to answer that question, a spectral Ronnie James Dio, all aglow with the afterlife, joined Tee Bone Man on stage!

“Ladies and gentlemen, here’s our MC Ronnie James Dio to introduce our first performer!”  Tee Bone allowed Ronnie to take the center stage.

“Thunder Bay!  You are the kings of rock and roll!” shouted Ronnie.  “But you know, we don’t want to rock you too hard right from the beginning!  This first performer is a special request for someone called the ‘Meaty Man’!  Are you out there somewhere ‘Meaty Man’!”

From the front, the Meaty Man could not believe what he was seeing or hearing.  He looked around, pointed at himself, mumbled “Me?” to the Snowman next to him, and stood.  A spotlight caught his figure as he rose.

Dio pointed.  “There he is!”  The crowd cheered.  “Thunder Bay, we’re starting acoustic tonight, so please welcome to the stage, from Kitchener Ontario via Rock Heaven…Mr. Paul MacLeod!”

From backstage, a man with an acoustic guitar, white T-shirt, and a black beanie cap emerged.  He waved to the crowd and sat on a stool.

“This is a song called ‘Down on the Streets’,” he announced and began to play.

A tear hit the Meaty Man’s eye.  He just watched in silence as his friend played the song.  He smiled, turned to the Snowman and simply said “Thank you.”

Paul played a brief four song set.  “Giants”, “The Trickster” and an acoustic version of Hibakusha’s “Moped Song” rounded out his show.

“Thank you Thunder Bay!” waved Paul as he exited the stage.  “I’m due back in Rock Heaven, but it was great playing for you!  Enjoy the rest of the show!”  He vanished into the frosty air.

 

It took a while for the pandemonium and energy to subside enough that Dio could be heard, as he stood in front of the throng. Arms wide in a gesture asking for a lower volume, Dio smiled. This was what it was all about, and the excitement was palpable.

Finally, what could pass for a hush spread through Deke’s Palace, and Dio smiled again. “Are you having a good time?” he shouted into the mic. The crowd roared! “I said… are you HAVING A GOOD TIME?” The crowd roared again, impossibly louder this time. Grinning, Dio waved for hush again and got it. He had their attention.

“Ladies and gentlemen, friends and allies, we are here tonight to witness the Stars Of Rock Heaven. This is a night for the ages, a night to remember, a night of all nights. We’ve already had rock royalty on this stage, and more are coming!”   He saluted the crowd in “devil horn” fashion and they responded with cheers.

“And now we will add to the rock royalty to grace us this evening, so please direct your eyes to center stage.” The stage was dark behind Dio, but there came a sudden, gentle beat from a drum set. The drummer was using brushes, tastefully, immediately locking into the pocket.

The lights slowly came up, and everyone gasped and cheered at the same time as they recognized a familiar face, and Dio gleefully shouted into the mic, “Ladies and Gentlemen, it is our great pleasure to introduce… Mr. Charlie Watts!” The crowd exploded with excitement and, at the acknowledgement, Charlie simply nodded his head in the crowd’s general direction, back ramrod straight with perfect posture and determined, as he was, to maintain his tasty rhythm.

Dio’s grin widened as he turned to face the crowd again. “Oh folks, we’re not done yet. Let’s add another Charlie!” The crowd was hanging on his every word. “Now, he may not be royalty of rock, but he is royalty of another level… won’t you please welcome to the stage the one, the only, the legendary… Mr. Charlie Parker!”  And the place went nuts.

Knowing it would take a few moments for them to be heard, Watts simply kept the beat and then, when it was time, when the groove felt right, Parker raised his sax to his lips, embraced the beat Watts was laying down, and instantly grabbed the crowds rapt attention with a wondrous duo version of “Bluebird”. Hot on its heels came a snappy “Relaxing At The Camarillo”, and so on into the rest of the set. Both Charlies there, in their glory, lost in the music, together in music heaven, revelling in the joy of it all, knowing these were duets for the ages, and knowing that this was as it should be.

It could have been minutes, it could have been hours, but as the final notes of “Going, Going, Going, Gone” reverberated throughout the venue, everyone knew they had witnessed a true, momentous event.

 

The arena went dark.  A spotlight followed Dio as his spectral form returned to manic applause. He hit center stage, and looked down at the Snowman, who now was nervous as to why Dio was staring directly at him!  All Dio said was “Snowman…this band’s for you.  Here they are…CRAZY TRAIN TO HELL”!  The arena again went dark, and a menacing sound reverberated around the arena, as if a train was coming!  A bright light shone from the back of the stage, and it looked like a train was definitely coming! Smoke filled the air.  There was a nervousness in the crowd…then up from the stage came Randy Rhodes, as he threw out the riff to “Crazy Train”.  Everyone lost their minds…and for The Snowman, that wouldn’t take much!

Randy ripped through the opener, and then Bon Scott suddenly appeared and started singing the song like we’ve never heard before.  And the name of “Crazy Train to Hell” now made a lot more sense.  “But who is that playing bass, and who is destroying those drums?” wondered the Snowman, as if on cue, a poof of smoke, and Cliff Burton appeared on bass!  And then…Eric Carr on the drums!  Eric was the first metal drummer that the Snowman ever saw in concert.   He let out a huge “Woohoo!” and everyone around him looked at him like he was an idiot!  They all wondered who he was, and what the hell was he screaming about. The Snowman wondered if no one else could see them, and then the crowd suddenly could, and understood what was going on. The audience commenced screaming and the volume was almost unbearable!

After “Crazy Train”, it went dark again and as if by magic, Cliff was now front and center.  Metallica fans were about to get a treat as Cliff started playing “(Anaesthesia) Pulling Teeth”.   It was simply wicked.  People in the front were practically melting from the heat of Cliff’s bass, as it was aflame, as his fingers flew up and down the fret board.  It was a sight to be seen.  The Snowman was virtually in Rock and Roll Heaven, and wondered how Tee Bone and Superdekes were going to top that!

The arena went dark yet again and an explosion of fire lit the stage, as Eric Carr’s drum set suddenly appeared front and center.  Eric was standing up on his seat dressed in that leopard print leotard that no man should ever wear, but Eric could pull off.  He started destroying the skins and played a quick solo but then the band came back out and “Carr Jam” went in to full force.  Randy played those riffs, and the Snowman had to sit down as he felt faint from getting to hear Randy, Cliff and Eric play this amazing song. It was more than he could take.

Snowman was beside himself, and he thought he had witnessed the coolest thing ever, but it wasn’t over yet!  Bon Scott came back on stage and stood next to Randy.  He gave him a wink and Randy started playing “Highway to Hell”.  The noise from the crowd almost shattered every window in the Palace, as a few heads might have actually exploded.  Bon Scott sounded as gritty and nasty as always, and the song ended a set that was like a dream come true for so many to get to see these monsters of rock play one more time.  It was surreal.  It was insane. It was a Crazy Train to Hell.  The Snowman stood their like a idiot with a big grin slapped across his face.

There was darkness and silence as the audience at Deke’s Palace waited patiently for the next surprise.  Ripper the Squirrel hopped from his vantage point, earmuffs on, and excited by the next band inspired by his good friend Moustachio.  This time, there was no introduction from Dio, for the band had something else planned….

The stage had been shrouded in darkness since Crazy Train to Hell had left, and patience was starting to wear thin throughout the crowd. Then, the faint sound of drums came from the back of the stage. Rat tat-atatatat, it slowly grew louder as the silhouette of a man walked up to the microphone.

“Are you ready Chuck?

“Uh-huh”

“Kelly?”

“Yeah”

“Clive?”

“Okay”

“Well alright fellas! Let’s gooooooooo!”, screamed the unmistakable voice of Brian Connolly.

The stage exploded in a spectacle of light and sound as the band kicked off the “Ballroom Blitz” into top gear. Joining the shimmering Connolly on stage was rock and roll legend Chuck Berry with his fiery lead guitarwork, Iron Maiden’s Clive Burr on drums, and Electric Light Orchestra veteran Kelly Groucutt pulling double duties lending both his bass-playing skills and silky backing vocals to this talented quartet.

“Oh yeah! It was electric!”, sang Brian, “so frantically hectic!”.

The lyrics were familiar, but the sound was completely fresh. The lucky people in the crowd had never heard anything like this before. The song finished to rapturous applause, and the band wasted no time launching into their next number.

Over the course of twenty-five minutes the crowd was treated to a suite of classic rock and roll songs, all rendered in spectacular fashion. As the closing notes finished on an electrifying take on Buddy Holly’s “Well…All Right” (featuring a guest appearance by Tee Bone himself lending a second axe for the smoking dual-guitar riff made famous on Santana’s version), no one thought that things could get any better. But then they did.

Because the celebration of rock was about to culminate in a larger than life performance of “Roll Over Beethoven”, featuring none other than Ludwig Van B himself. Turns out he and Chuck had really hit it off there up at the great gig in the sky when the Father of Rock and Roll had passed in 2017. To think the maestro composer first demanded entry into Rock Heaven because he had a bone to pick with Chuck!

And with both Chuck Berry and a member of ELO on stage, this was quite possibly the definitive rendition of the song, bringing the two arrangements onto one glorious performance. Eight minutes of rocking, rolling, playing and soloing closed out a night of some the greatest live performances in history.

As the curtain fell on the stage, Tee Bone came up to say a few words.  He strolled out from the curtains into the spotlight one more time.

Backstage, Deke was checking off a checklist.  “Up last…it’s time for the closer, Metal Man’s band.”

Simultaneously Tee Bone looked down at his notes on clipboard.  “Wow, what a lineup he secured!  I heard he wanted the entire original lineup of Lynyrd Skynyrd, but Tommy Lee booked them for tonight instead.  Well, I’d better go introduce the MC for this set…”

“Ladies and gentleman, aliens and otherwise!” shouted Tee Bone.  His guitar was over his shoulder.  He attempted to do his best Paul Stanley impression.  He strummed a power chord.  “People!  I said, peeeeople!”  He sang the words into the microphone, sweat now beading on his nose.  “I said peeeeeople!  Lemme hear ya!  Put your hands together…for Elvis Presley!!”  Tee Bone exited in a flourish as Elvis himself sashayed onto the stage, glowing and striking his most famous poses all the way.

Elvis walked to center stage and gave his famous, “Thank you very much” to the crowd. “Our final performance tonight features Ronnie James Dio on vocals, Criss Oliva on guitar, Jimmy Bain on bass, Jon Lord on keyboards and Cozy Powell on drums. I give you now, Deep Black Rainbow!  Thank you ma’am!”

Elvis quickly exited stage left leaving the audience to gawk at the red lights as they rolled back the stage revealing a medieval setting with two fully armoured knights holding two-handed swords at either side, and a castle behind Cozy’s drum kit. While everyone was taking in the scene, they were brought back to reality by an explosion and familiar guitar riffs. Before anyone realized, Deep Black Rainbow were on stage engaging all with “Stand Up and Shout.”

After the Dio classic, the band yo-yoed between the Rainbow and Deep Purple: “Man on the Silver Mountain,” “Black Knight” and “Tarot Woman.” Ronnie’s voice being as sound as ever, spoke to the crowd, making sure they were enjoying the show. When the crowd roared back their approval, the band launched into “The Last in Line,” which was accompanied by bright lights shining out to the audience.

By this time, any doubts as to how guitarist, Criss Oliva, would handle unfamiliar songs were consigned to the bin, as his solos more than showed he was up to the job. Still, everyone went nuts when they played “Hall of the Mountain King” with Ronnie’s vocals adding a fresh perspective. Criss continued to awe the audience with a four minute guitar solo. When the rest of the band returned, they slowed things down with Rainbow’s “Temple of the King.”

At this point, Deep Purple Rainbow showed they still had the creativity when the unveiled their first original, “Deceive the Devil,” which the audience ate up. The laser battle going across the stage between the two knights might have helped. When the light show dimmed, it perfectly set the mood for the Black Sabbath classic, “Children of the Sea.”

In the eyes and ears of the audience, Deep Black Rainbow could do no wrong. Jon amazed the crowd with a mesmerising keyboard solo before the band returned and nailed “Woman From Tokyo.” Cozy followed with a drum solo, and after a few minutes, Jimmy joined in with him on bass. That led to another original, and two more Dio classics: “Rock and Roll Children” and “Rainbow in the Dark” in rapid succession.

It might have looked like it was going to be all over when they played “Long Live Rock and Roll,” when Ronnie got the audience participating. However, the band had one more trick up their sleeves. After the singalong, with the band in full swing, a mechanical dragon just like the one used on Dio’s “Sacred Heart” tour rose from behind the drums blowing smoke from its nose! It remained to the very end, and even took a bow with the band.

There was no way the audience would let things go that easily. In unison, they roared for Deep Black Rainbow’s return. It was only when throats started to go collectively sore that the band came back.  Then, Dio, beckoned to the side of the stage.  “Come on!” he motioned.  Then Elvis appeared, waved to the crowd, and grabbed a microphone.  Chuck Berry returned to the stage, duck-walking to center stage as the crowd screamed in approval.  Criss Oliva followed, plugging in his electric guitar so familiar from the Gutter Ballet album cover.  He was followed by Randy Rhoads who plugged into another stack of amps.  The final guitarist, Tee Bone Man himself, had the honour of standing between the two legendary axemen.  His face was humble and his eyes were made of joy.

Eric Carr and Clive Burr emerged, carrying tambourines and shakers.  Brian Connolly and Kelly Groucutt were behind them with microphones in their hands.  Cliff Burton just had a beer, while the two Charlies weren’t quite sure how they fit in, but were just glad to be there.  Paul MacLeod had returned, and simply grinned at all the rock majesty from the side of the stage.

Ronnie James Dio saluted the lucky fans, who were then treated to three encore songs.  First, “Highway Star,” then “Holy Diver”.

“We have time for one more!” Ronnie announced. The familiar guitar riff of an all-time classic sent all into mass hysterical frenzy.  Criss and Ronnie led the procession as everyone joined in the party that was “Smoke On the Water”!  An amazing light show accompanied the iconic hit, and if Richie Blackmore had been there, he would have taken out a court injunction against Criss Oliva, forbidding him to play it again, as he totally nailed the guitar solo. Jon Lord followed on with one more amazing keyboard solo and then a brief drum solo from Cozy.  Charlie Parker’s saxophone joined in for “Smoke”, while everyone sang along to the indelible chorus.  When they left again, this time for good, the audience screamed their heads off, and cigarette lighters lit up the entire seating area. Ronnie graciously thanked everyone for coming and enjoying the show, and for being so wonderful. All of Deep Black Rainbow came together, took their final bows and a few heavenly hugs.  The band glimmered bright, and faded away in a giant cascade of stars.  Tee Bone remained alone on stage.  Speechless, the man stood before them for an achingly long silence.

“Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, friends from near and far…I don’t know what to say!” He paused, unsure how to finish.  Ultimately, he went with his guts.  “People…let’s see the Kiss Avatars top that!  You just witnessed the greatest rock show of all time!  Let’s hear it!”  The crowd screamed in eternal gratitude, for there would never be a show like this one.  “Now let’s count, because it’s almost midnight!”  A massive clock was projected on a screen behind him.

“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…wooo!” screamed the rapturous attendees.

“Happy New Year!” screamed Tee Bone at the top of his lungs.  “Welcome to 2024!”

Tee Bone basked in happiness, as Deke came out to give his best friend a hug.  This had to be the best New Year’s Eve celebration ever.

Epilogue 1:  In Space

Jen watched the simulcast from her tiny screen in the Galaxy Explorer.  She smiled, knowing how much her Brainiac would have loved seeing the Kiss guy on stage.  Her favourite performer was probably Chuck Berry, but she also really liked the Paul MacLeod song.  Dio also reminded her of her Michael.

There was a tap on the bulkhead by her station.  It was Captain Frank.

“Good evening, Specialist,” smiled the captain.  “Happy New Year.  It’s lights out for you in 15, just a reminder.  We have a load-in tomorrow and we’ll all need our rest.”

Jen grinned and removed her glasses.  “I was just about to get some sleep,” she answered.  “I was watching the big New Years concert.  You wouldn’t believe who they had on stage.”

The Captain chuckled.  “I heard it was going to be Kiss, kicking off another tour!”   They both laughed.

“It was a bit bigger than that,” answered Jen, “but I won’t spoil the show for you.  You’ll have to see it for yourself.”

“Sounds good, Specialist.  See you in the morning, G’night.”

“Good night Captain,” said Jen.  “And good night my Brainiac, until we meet again.”

Epilogue 2:  The aftermath

It took a full three days for Tee Bone Man and Superdekes to sleep off the show they had hosted.  The tundra of Thunder Bay was completely thawed by the sheer heat generated by the music, not to mention the pyro.  This resulted in several road closures, cutting off Thunder Bay from the rest of Canada, with the hardtop cracked and sinkholed.  It was like an earthquake had hit the small city.  Many concert-goers were stranded in Thunder Bay until safe passage could be assured.

The Thunder Bay Times had written an article about the concert, praising the surprise factor of the performers, the music, the song selections, and the technical aspects of the show.  They had, perhaps surprisingly, also lambasted Tee Bone and Superdekes for long lines, especially to the washrooms, and a cumbersome online ticket sale interface.  Of course, the three day traffic jam to leave town dominated the news for three cycles, and even made the international morning talk programs in the US and UK.  Tee Bone Man was finding himself the uncomfortable face of the infrastructure breakdown and traffic issues that everyone was talking about.

The hotel and bed-and-breakfast business in Thunder Bay, usually struggling and sluggish, was now booming.  In three days, they had posted enough profit to cover their budgets for the next three months.  The conversations around the water coolers, pro and con Tee Bone and Superdekes, started locally but began to spread all over the world.  Was the concert a good or bad thing?  What about that exploding restaurant in Kitchener Ontario a month or two ago?  Trouble seemed to follow these two, wherever they went.  Twitter was filled with discussion, much of it hostile.  People began changing their avatars to Tee Bone Man’s face, or his face with a line through it.  It was getting…ugly.  This was something new for the two heroes.

Somewhere in Ontario, sitting in her plush red armchair, a woman read the latest article on Tee Bone and Superdekes, the concert, and the casualties.  She stroked a miniature Schnauzer, black and grey and white and snoozing peacefully, on her lap.  The woman turned the page to the obituaries.  It had become habit, since suffering her own loss at the hands of these two so-called “heroes”.   Angrily, she stopped herself, hastily balled up the newspaper and threw it into the fireplace.  The fire briefly expanded and brightened as the paper turned to ash.  The dog, startled, jumped off her lap.

She stood.  She picked up a large black case.

“It’s time we paid Tee Bone Man a visit,” she growled.  The Schnauzer growled, in perfect musical harmony.  An orange portal opened, and the two stepped through.

To be continued…in Tee Bone and Superdekes Go Back to School Parts 1 and 2!

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

The Writer’s Room

 

 

The Writer’s Room: New Year’s Grieve!

Mike strode upon the tiles of the writer’s room.  Over the summer, they had the old carpet pulled up, and laid down expensive fresh tiles.  Marble, or something.  Mike wasn’t much for details.  He acted as if the weight of the world was in his shoulders, and sometimes it was, but today he was really feeling the strain.

At the big conference table sat the usual crew.  To his left:  Aaron and Harrison, with Harrison taking notes.  To his right:  the 80s Metal Man and John T. Snow himself.  Snow had just poured himself a big glass of Gene Simmons brand sweet tea.  Sweet Pain, it was called.  Snowman grimaced a little bit as the biting sweetness hit his palette, but the concoction didn’t seem too deadly.

Mike rubbed his head.  Inhale.  OK.  Time to talk.

“Guys, I just want to thank you again for all your hard work this year.  Each of you wrote some excellent stories for Tee Bone Man.  Harrison, of course, we all know what he accomplished this year!”  There was a quick round of applause, led by Aaron with a traditional “Wahoo!”

It was the Metal Man who prompted Mike to continue.  “Yet this doesn’t sound like a ‘good news’ meeting, not at this late hour,” he said.  Indeed, the Metal Man was jet-lagged, for back home in England it was well past midnight.

“You’re right Metal Man, it’s not good news.  But you may as well get the news from the horse’s mouth.  We’re just waiting for the horse.”  It was then that the big new monitor on the wall behind him crackled to life.  As usual, it was Holen coming in with static.  You could make out a vaguely human shape and a distorted voice.

“Hey guys, it’s me, I’m the bad news,” came the voice from the screen.  Mike tried to force a chuckle as Holen spoke.

“Hey Holen,” said the table in unified concern.

“I’m sorry to let you down guys.  I’ve been down for the count…(that was a plug for Tim Durling’s new book by the way)…I have had an unusual streak of bad luck.  I haven’t been able to finish my part of the Tee Bone Man’s New Year Eve Special story.  I apologize.”

“Aww that’s OK,” answered the Snowman between sips of sweet tea.  “I bet your story would have been awesome.”

“Mike would have loved my story,” answered Holen between crackles of noise.  “You guys wanna know what band I picked?”

The table reacted in excitement!  The gimmick this year was Mike’s idea.  In the world of Tee Bone Man, Tee and Superdekes were going to host a massive New Year’s Eve concert.  The catch?  Spinning off last year’s Christmas tale, the denizens of Rock and Roll Heaven would be resurrected in spectral form, to put on the ultimate live concert!  The deadline for the writers to get their bands and setlists in was, of course, December 31 2023.  The story would go live at midnight.

Each writer in the room was responsible for penning their own section of the concert.  Mike, Harrison, Aaron, Snowman and Metal Man had long submitted their deceased rock star supergroups.  Holen had been mysteriously quiet as they waited to finish the story.  Now, we know why.  A string of crappy luck!

“OK, ready for this?  Mike you’ll love my lead singer.  I have Little Richard!” exclaimed Holen.

“WaaHOOOOOOOOO!” responded Aaron at that pick.  The table laughed in unison.

“But wait, I have two singers.  Second, we have Lou Reed, also playing lead guitar!”

Mike made an enthusiastic guitar squealing noise and face.  “Metal Machine Music!!” declared Mike.

“More lead guitars,” announced Holen, “Courtesy of Robert Quine!”

There was silence.

“Come on guys, Robert Quine?  Worked with Lou Reed, John Zorn, Marianne Faithful, Richard Hell, Matthew Sweet!”

“Oh, cool!!” enthused Aaron with genuine excitement.

“And finally,” said Holen, “I couldn’t split up the rhythm section from The Who, so I picked both John Entwistle and Keith Moon!”

A few jaws dropped around the table.  A few claps were heard.

“That would have been a damn cool concert,” said the Snowman as he gulped down his last swallow of Simmons brand sweet tea.  From the corner of the room, a door opened and a uniformed Gene Simmons rep emerged to hand John a cheque for his endorsement.  The Simmons rep exited as quietly as she came, and John silently pocketed the money.

Harrison then spoke.  “Gentlemen, as sad as I am that Holen could not contribute this year, I can assure you the story is quite good as it is.  The art is complete and Mike tells me he likes it very much.”  Mike made a clapping motion for the hard-working Australian.

“I can also reveal this much about the final story,” continued Mike.  “80s Metal Man wrote a section so epic that I just had to choose his band to close the concert.  In fact he wrote a concert so epic, that he had to cut it down from six pages!”  There was a collective gasp.  “And, the good news here today is that Metal Man will be posting the full unedited supergroup on his own website too!”

“Great work, Metal Man!” shouted the Snowman.

Aaron raised his hand.  “Can I ask a question?  What happened to Holen anyway?”

Holen coughed (or perhaps it was static).  “I can’t divulge any details,” he answered vaguely.  “All I can say is they can’t get rid of me that easily!”

The table laughed in awkward tension, unsure how serious Holen was!

Mike spoke again.  “I for one am just glad to have Holen here with us for this teleconference; this is the last one of 2023.  And may I say it?  It was the best year for Tee Bone Man stories yet.  And 2024 is gonna rock.”

Everyone clapped.  Everyone, even the stoic Harrison, had smiles on their faces.  Mike grinned to himself.  The whole Tee Bone Man Multiverse was complicated, but they’d be straightening everything out in January.  It was Mike and Harrison who decided to go full multiverse this time.  It opened up whole new avenues.  Harrison decided that Multiversal portals would be orange, to reflect the glow of Tee Bone’s favourite Scotch. Orange portals!  And it worked so well in their stories!  As soon as you saw an orange glow, that was a clue that multiversal shenanigans were afoot.

It was at that exact moment that Mike noticed an orange glow in the furthest corner of the room.

There was a scream.

“Guys!!!  Help me!!”  It was the Snowman!  From behind him opened a sparkling, circular orange portal.  A pair of hands grasped him, and pulled him through.

“Gu…”

John T. Snow’s voice was cut suddenly, as the orange portal closed shut before their eyes.

Everyone in the room looked at Mike in complete confusion.

“What the…!” he shouted with hands on his head.

To be continued in the Adventures of Tee Bone Man….

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

Jen In Space: Mission One – A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

Jen In Space: Mission One

A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

Immediately following the events of Tee Bone Man Chapter 22:  Enter the Durling Foundation

The uniformed man at the reception desk looked up over his spectacles.  His eyebrows raised and he immediately stood at attention.  Before him stood a blonde girl holding an acoustic guitar, a smile beaming from her face.

“Jennifer Ladano reporting for duty!” she announced.

“Yes!  Mrs. Ladano.  We’ve been expecting you.  Please, put your things down here behind my desk.  We’ll make sure everything gets properly loaded.  Come with me please?  We have so much to do before your journey.”

“Thank you so much,” answered the woman as she handed over her purse and guitar.  But please, call me Mrs. Brainiac.  That’s what my teammates call me.”

The man smiled.  “Ah yes!  We were filled in on the details by your liason, a Tee Bone Man?”  Jen nodded in acknowledgement.  “It says here your trip is being funded by the Durling Foundation, and American magnate John Snow.  Impressive stuff.  How did you hook up with those kinds of people, if you don’t mind me asking?  That’s pretty rarified air.”

“Through my husband,” she answered with a hint of sadness.  “He and his friend co-founded our group, the Northern Lights.  But…he was killed in battle.  I’m carrying on his mission in his name.  I work directly for Tee Bone Man, who I see you’re familiar with.  He’s a superhero, and the Northern Lights are here to protect us all.  My mission is to be his eyes in space.  That’s why I signed on for this flight.”

Impressed, the man checked off some boxes on a clipboard.

“And the guitar?” he asked.

“I used to play.  I thought I’d take it up again, entertain the crew.  They say it can get pretty quiet in space.”

The man smiled.  “You’d think that, but it’s actually a fallacy.  The fact of the matter is, there are so many pumps and fans and machines constantly working to keep you alive on a spaceship, there’s always some background noise.  You get used to it, though.”

Jen didn’t look concerned.  “I brought my earbuds, too.”

The man pointed ahead to a big blue beauty of a ship outside a massive observation window.  “You’re going to like the Galaxy Explorer,” he enthused.  “It’s the latest in space technology.  I understand Snow undersigned the whole project.  Deep pockets!”  He stopped walking and got serious a moment.  “You seem like a nice person.  You have some pretty powerful friends.  Are you sure you’re up for this?”

“I need to do this,” she answered simply.

“OK,” said the man.  Let’s get you suited up and introduce you to the crew.  We call them the Fantastic Four!”

Jen was now in a blue spacesuit.  She held a white helmet under her arm.  She insisted on blue.  Eventually, they found one in storage.  She was adamant:  she would not wear another team’s colours!  Nobody seemed to know what she meant, but she was now happily in the right suit.

“Gentlemen!” said the man to the four astronauts waiting to board.  “Let me introduce you to your special passenger.  This is Mrs. Brainiac.  If you’ve read your mission briefings, which I know you haven’t, then you’ll know she’s being overseen by John T. Snow and the Durling Foundation!  This means anything she needs, you get it.  Understood?”

“Yes Admiral!” the four answered with salutes.

“Admiral?  You didn’t tell me you were an admiral!” said Jen with shock as she awkwardly saluted.

“Stand down Mrs. Brainiac,” he smiled.  “You’re not enlisted and you don’t have to salute.  And you can just call me Doug.  Clear?  Now, here are your crewmates for this mission!”  Each astronaut shook her hand in turn.  “We call them the Fantastic Four because, well, you’ll understand why.  In the red spacesuit, this is Captain Frank Kerman, mission commander.  Also in red, this is Commander Fred Dika, second in change.  In white, science officer Fritz DeAngelis.  And finally, also in white, geologist Finn Oxford.”

Jen’s head spun.  “Frank…Fred…Fritz…and Finn.  This won’t get confusing at all.  I apologize in advance for messing up all your names!”

The group laughed.  Captain Frank patted her on the back.  “No problem and welcome to the team, Mrs. Brainiac.  Contrary to the Admiral’s assumptions, I have read the mission briefings twice.  Your husband was a hero ma’am.  I am sorry for your loss.”

“It’s OK,” she mumbled.  “Let’s see our ship.”

Captain Frank extended his hand.  “Follow me ma’am.  Admiral?”

The Admiral saluted.  “Safe travels, Captain.  Moon and back.  Simple as apple pie.”

“Simple as pie,” saluted the Captain in return.

“This is so exciting!” said Jen as the quintet boarded through the rear ramp.  The ramp led up to an airlock with a moon rover docked and locked down.  Jen’s guitar was stowed on a wall.  Through the airlock, the astronauts entered the ship’s main quarters.

“Welcome aboard the Galaxy Explorer!  State of the art, and our home for the next two weeks!”

On the outside, the sleek delta shaped ship was decked out in classic blue, grey and yellow.  Inside, it was equipped with all the latest tech.  Jen’s eyes were wide in awe.

“There’s so many controls!  These were not in the manuals I studied!” she gasped.

Science Officer Fritz smiled at her.  “Don’t worry about all that, this is my territory.  As science officer, I’m qualified on every station on board this ship.”

“So…what do I do?” asked Jen.

“Right now, you get your helmet on and strap in, because it’s T-minus 30 minutes to launch!” answered Captain Frank.  “Jen, for the launch, I’d be honoured if you’d sit in the cockpit with us.  Finn…geologists in the back!”

“But I called shotgun!” sulked geologist Finn as he took a bunk in the back.

“Helmets on, visors down!” ordered the captain.  “We launch in 30!”

The minutes ticked away slower than any that Jen had ever experienced.  With the Leafs in overtime dying to score a winning goal, the clocks had never seem to move so slowly.  But tick away the minutes did, and soon it was 60 seconds to launch.  The crew flicked switches and issued instructions to each other.  30 seconds.  The engines were already roaring.  20 seconds.  10.  9.  8.  7…

“LAUNCH!” commanded the captain.  The engines ignited in massive flames, dozens of feet in length.  The mighty craft lifted off the ground.  There were no crowds to see our brave crew off.  This mission was top secret, by orders of Tee Bone Man himself.  It was on a need to know basis.  Within the Northern Lights, only Tee Bone, Superdekes, Snowman, and Tim Durling knew where Mrs. Brainiac was.   For her safety, it had to stay that way.  Max the Axe liked to talk.

Contrails of white followed the craft through the sky.  Soon that was all that could be seen.  Shortly after that, even the echo of the mighty engines could not be heard from the ground.

Jen was worried that the three day trip to the moon would be dull, with nothing to take up her time.  Far from it.  The Galaxy Explorer was equipped with the most sensitive observation devices invented to date.  These were provided by Superdekes, and they were already collecting massive amounts of data for Jen to sift through.

“Tee Bone Man wanted me to be his eyes and ears in space,” she signed, “but there is so much here to go through.  There has to be a way to simplify this data.”

She put on her glasses, got an old fashioned pen and paper out, and began writing numbers down.

“Well, I do have an OCD for numbers, I guess I was meant for this job,” she said with determination.

It only took 15 minutes for her to detect the outlines of a pattern in the numbers.  She got the captain’s attention.

“Captain Frank?  Can you tune all ship sensors directly towards the moon?  I’m noticing a strange spike in various signals any time the sensors were on the moon.”

“Copy that, mission specialist.  Tuning all sensors moonward,” responded the Captain.

This was fun!  Jen was enjoying herself.  Being in space even felt good, always floating around in her seat.  She had an idea.

“Captain, requesting streaming access for Hockey Night in Canada on monitor one,” she requested.

“Approved…” answered the captain with hesitation.  “Purpose?” he questioned.

“Oh, just in case the two are connected?” answered Jen with no confidence in her voice.

“Proceed,” answered the captain just as the hockey broadcast hit Jen’s screen.

“Sweet!” she smiled to herself.  “YES!  First goal of the series!!” she exclaimed out loud.

“Repeat that?” asked commander Fred.

“Umm, nothing, just found…an anomaly in the data…” answered Jen with a sly grin.  This was going to be fun for sure.

Three days later, the ship had landed successfully on the moon.  Thanks to Jen’s data analysis, they were able to touch down just where there seemed to be some odd energy patterns.  There was no sign on the ground of anyone having been here before, but there was something strange.  Perhaps several feet under the regolith.  It was hard to tell exactly what they were picking up, but it was here.

Taking shifts, the crew enjoyed some time outside the ship.  Jen even got to drive the moon rover, and didn’t crash it.

Today was her day on the rover again.  The sensors were picking up something in a nearby crater now, and she was sent to investigate.

“Take this,” said Captain Frank as he handed her a laser pistol.  “I know you were trained on how to use this.  Don’t be shy if you have to.”

“Yes Captain,” said Jen.  “I’ll have to tell you the story of my first Thanksgiving with Michael, when he took me to the family cottage and I had to stay in a room with guns hanging from a gunrack made of deer parts.”  The captain looked puzzled.  “It’s a good story,” assured Jen.  “It’s not my first gun is what I’m saying.”

“Ah.  OK.  Good luck, specialist.  Report back in an hour or less.”

“Yes Captain!” saluted Jen.  “Off we go.  Wooooo!”  She gunned the engine of the moon rover and made her way to the crater, kicking up moon dust the whole way behind.

Though she was enjoying driving without a license, she just had to stop and enjoy the view.

“I’ve never seen the stars so clear before,” she marveled.  “Mike would be here telling me the names of the constellations,” she contemplated.

“Did you say Mike??” asked a voice, somehow broadcasting on Jen’s helmet’s channel!

“Who said that??” screamed a startled Jen.  “Who’s there?”  There was nobody there.

“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to scare you.  I knew a Mike.  I wonder if it’s the same one.”  An alien decloaked in front of her eyes.  “I’m sorry for the deception, but there bad people here on the moon.  I have been hiding.  But…you look like someone I can trust.”

Jen could not believe her eyes.  Before her stood an alien, a real alien, all in green, with no spacesuit.  Just hanging out on the moon like it was nobody’s business.

“Well, my friend, I am sorry to tell you that Mike is a very common name back on Earth.”  She paused to point at the big blue globe in the sky.  “That’s where I’m from.  Earth.  Are you from the moon?  Do you have a name?  My name is Jen.”

“My name is Fillmore.  Fillmore West.  I’m from Zeta Reticuli.  I had a spaceship and a crew and everything once, but then an Earthling named Tommy Lee took it all.  I had some human friends.  They were named Fanboy Mike and Edie Van Heelin’…”

Jen’s mouth dropped.  “Did you say…”

“You do know him!” gasped Fillmore.

“I knew both of them,” sighed Jen.  “Mike was my husband.  They’re both gone now, killed in action fighting the forces of evil.”

Fillmore’s expression changed.  Jen assumed he was sad too.  “I’m so sorry.  They were good.  They helped me.  I miss them.”

“I miss my Brainiac,” said Jen, “but you said that there were bad people here on the moon.  Tell me about them.  Can I call you Phil?”

The alien jumped.  “Yes!  You can call me Phil.  The bad people come when the craters are in shadow.  They bring strange cargo.  I know not what for.  I see them.  There is a human.  He wears a spacesuit, like yours, but white and orange.  He has robot bodyguards.  They shoot at me if they see me.  But they have not got me yet!  Phil, Phil is smart!”   The alien pointed at his enormous head.  “I hide!  They can’t find me.”

“You poor thing!” said Jen with empathy.  “But you’re with me now.  I am here with friends.  Would you like to go meet them?”

Phil shuddered.  “No friends, no friends!  Just Jen.”  She could see he was scared of humans, thanks to his experiences with Tommy Lee.  Jen never liked Motley Crue.  Mike didn’t play Motley music around her very often, but when he did…she wasn’t into it, shall we say.  Now she felt more justified than ever.

“OK Phil.  Just you and me.”

“We are friends,” responded the alien.

The hours flew past, and Jen lost track of time.  Her one great weakness.  She chatted with Phil all this time, telling him of Earth pastimes such as baseball and hockey, all the while gleaning crucial pieces of information.  She already knew of Tommy Lee’s involvement with the bad guys threatening Earth.  That much was in her top secret info packet from Tee Bone Man.  Thanks to Phil, she was learning of Lee’s movements and actions.  Multiple trips to Mar-A-Lago, Florida.  A few voyages to space to meet a mysterious benefactor, and several liasons with Satan himself.  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were going to find this information extremely valuable.

Suddenly, she noticed that shadows were creeping over her.  “Oh no…”

Phil looked at her in what she assumed was panic.  “The crater is in shadow!  The bad men…”

On cue, a small spacecraft slowly drifted in shadow over the crater.  It could only be seen by the stars it blocked as it moved.

“Single seater?” asked Jen.

“One passenger,” answered Phil, “But he has battle droids.”

The shadowy ship slowly descended.

“Tell me about the battle droids,” queried Jen.

“Heavily armed,” cautioned Phil.

The craft set down gently.  The cockpit opened, and a ramp opened in the back, from which the two battle droids exited as Phil had warned.  The pilot, in an orange and white spacesuit, looked about.  He did not see them.  The pilot walked towards a large moon rock.  He felt around it, and suddenly the rock moved, revealing a hidden passage on the floor of the crater.  The droids loaded some cargo in the passage.  The pilot then touched the rock again, and it moved back into its previous position.

A droid turned and looked directly at where they were hiding.

Phil turned and looked at Jen.  A bead of sweat ran down her face.  Neither of them moved.  The droid stared.  Jen’s helmet was starting to fog.  Phil looked terrified.

The two sat in their position for what seemed like an eternity.  The droid was motionless.  They could not guess how long they sat there in the regolith without moving.

Finally, the droid turned, and began walking back to the ship.

“Whew!” exclaimed Phil.  “I thought he had us!”

A new voice answered him.

“He did.”

Jen and Phil turned in shock.  The pilot in orange and white stood before them.

 

“He was just buying me time to surround you.  Weapons down.”  The pilot bore a sword and held it to Phil’s long alien neck.

Jen removed her laser gun from her spacesuit and placed it on the ground.  Phil raised his hands in terror.  The second battle droid had joined them.

“Now, who are you, and what are you doing here in this specific crater on the moon?” demanded the pilot.

“We’re the Care Bears,” answered Jen sarcastically.  “And you are?”

The pilot’s gold visor turned transparent, and he revealed his face.  Human.

“I’m just a good Samaritan, stowing medical supplies and food rations in this depot,” he demurred.  “You must forgive my aggressive stance, we get raided by pirates so frequently.”  A smile emerged on his face.  “You seem harmless.  At least without your little ray gun.  My name is Colonel Cooper.  I am a humanitarian and pacifist.”

Phil seemed suddenly relieved, but Jen pushed.

“A pacifist with two beefy battle droids?”

The Colonel smiled.  “Pirates, my dear.  Only for defence.”

“Funny you should say that, because my friend Phil here says you’ve shot at him before.”

He smiled some more.  “A misunderstanding!  Come, let me take you to your ship.  I’m sure you’re not alone and I’d like to meet your friends.”

Jen had to think fast.  If she let those two battle droids anywhere near the Galaxy Explorer, there’s a good chance they could disable it and capture her friends, leaving her stranded here on the moon.

Then she remembered.  Her guitar.  She brought it with her.

“Sure thing Colonel Cooper!” she answered brightly.  We just have to follow the tracks back, from my moon rover.  It’s right over here.  Wanna see?”  The Colonel followed Jen as she led him towards the rover.  “It’s pretty cool,” she said.  Then she leaped, using the moon’s 1/6th gravity to her advantage!  She landed next to the rover and swiftly grabbed her guitar from the back rack!  Cooper was not fooled any longer and also jumped, aiming to take Jen down.  But in her hands now was a beautiful Yamaha acoustic guitar.  With a mighty swing that would have made Jose Bautista proud, she nailed Cooper directly in the head.

His helmet flew off.

Jen swung her shattered guitar again.  The remnants of the instrument removed the skin from the Colonel’s face, revealing the glowing blue circuitry of an android beneath.

She gasped.  Phil’s eyes widened in what must be shock.

“A robot?” she exclaimed.

The android sputtered and shook on the floor of the crater, at least temporarily disabled.  Suddenly, Jen and Phil were surrounded by battle droids.  They raised their weapons, but Jen did not have her ray gun.

A powerful light beamed down from overhead.

“This is Captain Frank Kerman of the Galaxy Explorer!  Deactivate your weapons and back off!”  The droids did as commanded.

“Specialist Jen!  You were to check in after one hour!  That was four hours ago!”

Jen was just relieved to hear the captain’s voice.  “Sorry Captain!  But I have acquired valuable information…and made a new friend.  You’re going to want to hear this story.”

Suddenly, the android body of Colonel Cooper exploded.  The two battle droids followed his example.

“Self-destruct,” reasoned Jen.  “Now we can’t get any more information from them.”

“Sounds like you got us plenty,” answered the Captain.  “Let’s get you on board and debriefed immediately.”

Jen grabbed the remnants of her guitar, and loaded it onto the Galaxy Explorer, with Phil at her side.

The captain, Jen and Phil all sat together in the airlock, while the rest of the crew occupied the cockpit.  With the airlock pressurized, they were able to talk with helmets off.  The captain spoke.

“We dug up their so-called supply depot.  It wasn’t medication or foodstuffs.  It was weapons.  Good job, specialist Ladano.  You and Phil here stopped a major operation.”

“But weapons for what?” asked Jen.

“Invasion,” responded Phil.

The mood in the room was grim.  A monitor lit up.

“Deke’s Palace, Superdekes on the line,” said the face on the monitor.  “Jen!  Nice to see you.  How are you doing?”

“Great, Deke!” she answered.  “I just had my first adventure in space!”

“And she got us valuable information, Deke,” said Captain Frank.  “Every detail about Tommy Lee’s activities for the last year, and now this weapons depot we uncovered today.”

“Tee Bone Man is gonna wanna know about this,” said Deke with dark seriousness.  “Jen, how comfortable are you right now?  Because I think we’re gonna need your eyes and ears in space for a while longer.”

“Whatever you need Deke,” said Jen.  “We got this.”

Deke nodded solemnly.  “And we got your back.  The Northern Lights are in your debt.”

“Then buy me a coffee when I get home and we’ll call it even,” said Jen.

“Deal.  Deke out.”

“Ready for lift-off!” announced Commander Fred.  “Launch!”

The Galaxy Explorer set off from the surface of the moon, on her way to their next adventure.

The end.

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: Enter The Durling Foundation

The multiverse just got bigger.

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA


Chapter Twenty-Two: Enter The Durling Foundation

Dressed in sharp black suits, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes entered the restaurant with faces covered in dark sunglasses.  Deke gestured to the server – table for 10.  A few servers scrambled, putting tables together into one large one, and placing napkins and cutlery.  One gestured to come in and sit.  Tee Bone and Deke removed their jackets and hung them nearby.

Now seated, Deke removed his sunglasses.  His eyes were red, but not from Scotch.

“That’s two funerals in two months,” he said to Tee Bone Man.  “I hope we don’t have to get used to that.”

Tee Bone kept his glasses on his face, not ready to face the light yet.

“First Edie, now the Brainiac,” he murmured.  “I can’t help but wonder who could be next.”

[FURTHER READING:  Chapter 20 – The Death of Edie Van Heelin’, Chapter 21 – Fate of the Brainiac]

“Chin up pal,” said Deke with a punch in the arm.  “Our friends will be here soon.  We need a chance to regroup, celebrate our fallen comrades, and meet some new ones.”

Tee Bone finally removed his shades.  “Scotch, please, neat,” he requested of the nearest server.  Deke ordered a water and contemplated a menu.  His mind wasn’t really on food.  He was not hungry.

There was a commotion at the door.

“Sir!” said a server at the entrance.  “Our policy is that shirts must be worn in this establishment!”

A bulky shirtless man with a jet-black beard and matching hair chuckled.  “It’s OK!  I’m Jex Rambo!” he assured them.  “I work for Tim Durling!”  He then moved past the servers and took a seat with Deke and Tee Bone at their large table.

“Gentlemen!  Nice to finally meet you in person mes amis!  I’m Jex, Jex Rambo, otherwise known as Jexcalibur.   Full name?  Jexcalibur Dot WordPress Dot Com!  I’m just kidding.  My mailman calls me Jean, but you can just call me whatever you want, as long as you call me!”  The three shook hands and thought nothing of the fact that the man had no shirt.  If you had guns like Jex Rambo, you’d show them too.

“Great to meet you Jex,” said Deke.  “You represent the mysterious Durling Foundation, right?”

Jex nodded excitedly.  “That’s correct amigo!  I work for the man himself, actually.  He’s right behind me, in fact, he was just parking the car!  We flew on TVC-Force-1 here from Moncton, and rented a car at the airport.  He’ll be in shortly.”

As if on cue, a tall man, with gray hair and a Def Leppard T-shirt walked through the doors.  The servers pointed him to the large table and he began to make his way through the restaurant.

“Mon ami Tim!” shouted Jex.  “Come and meet these guys, Superdekes and Tee Bone Man.”

The large man sat, and shook their hands.  “So glad to finally see you face to face.  You received my last parcel OK?”

Deke nodded affirmative.  “We did!  But why did you send us a vintage box of floppy discs from 1984 anyway?”

Tim hung his jacket, as the four were interrupted by a waiter.

“Can I get you gentlemen something to start?  An appetizer perhaps?”

“No thanks,” answered Tee Bone.  “We’re waiting on a few more people.”

Mr. Durling spoke to those attending.  “Gentleman, we came here all the way from the east coast to assure you that you have our support.  Jex Rambo, my personal head of security, is at your disposal.”  He paused a moment to get serious.  “I knew your friend the Brainiac quite well, though we never met in person.  I supplied some of the components to a machine he was building that he called the Large Ordnance Outlayer Featuring Assisting Human.  I provided the vintage reel-to-reel tape memory system and vacuum tubes.”

Deke scratched his head.  How odd.  Meanwhile, the waiter brought appetizers that they did not order.

Durling continued.  “Aaanyway.  In our last conversations, the Brainiac said the threat facing us was not just universal in nature, but possibly even multiversal.  With those kind of stakes, I can’t just stand aside.”

The table nodded.  “Well we all appreciate your…” began Deke before being drowned out by a ruckus at the door.

“I’m kind of a big deal,” came a gravelly voice from a short, burly, long haired man at the entrance.  “I’m Max the Axe!”

“He’s with us!” shouted Tee Bone, pointing to their table.

[FURTHER READING:  Chapter 15 – Status Acoustic: The Really Big Deal]

Max made his way to the table, sitting next to Jex Rambo.

“Can we switch seats?  I’m kind of a big deal,” asked Max.

“Sure…I guess?” answered a quizzical Jex.

Once all was settled, and Tee Bone was about to speak, Max interrupted.  He snapped his finger in the air.

“Garçon!  Garçon!  Hi.”  He caught the attention of a waiter.  “Yeah hi.  Can I get scrambled eggs, three yolks, two whites?  You use the extra white to make Hollandaise sauce.”

“This is starting to descend into chaos,” thought Tee Bone to himself.  “Should I have invited all these guys?”

There was another ruckus at the door.  A man wearing a large shark-shaped helmet over his whole head, and carrying a trident, entered the establishment.  He was followed by a balding man with glasses, dressed in red.   Then, a fully bald man, tall, towering.  A Richard Dreyfuss lookalike, and a blonde guy carrying a doubleneck bass in teal.  The Dreyfuss lookalike screamed at the bassist.

“Get out of here, Common Knowledge!” He kicked the bassist in the ass on his way out.  “It’s not my fault you were copied on the email chain!”  The bassist sulked off into the parking lot.  The other four entered the waiting area and removed their coats.

“There’s the rest of our group,” announced Tee Bone.  “Robert, King of the Sharks!  Kevin the Mars Man.  Our good friend Aaron, Mr. Books!  And of course, the Snowman himself.  Welcome, boys!”

[FURTHER READING:  Chapter 12 – Lost In Space, Chapter 5 – The Super Duper Vault, Chapter 7 – The Revenge of Common Knowledge]

“Wahoo!” shouted Aaron.

Deke whispered over to Tee Bone.  “Where’s Bernard, the Knight?  Isn’t he coming?”

“He doesn’t have email,” answered Tee Bone.

Deke nodded in understanding.  He whispered to Tee Bone.  “I also contacted our friend in the UK, the Metal Man, to keep him apprised of what’s going on.  He’s monitoring movements from beyond this mortal coil, but he sends his sincere condolences.”  Tee Bone nodded in momentary sadness.  He turned his attention to the table.  Hands shook and introductions were made.  Eventually, all the men were seated.  All but Tee Bone Man, who clinked his glass and addressed the table.

“Gentlemen, thank you for coming, in memory of our friends, and as the first official meeting of the Northern Lights.”  There was some light clapping.  “The Northern Lights were formed by Deke and I, with the Brainiac and Edie Van Heelin’,” he began.  He choked up a moment.  “To defend Earth from threats that are now beginning to make themselves known to us.  So far, we haven’t done so well.  But here we are — the dream of Edie and the Brainiac is now a reality.  We are a team, we are the Northern Lights, and we all know what the job is.”

[FURTHER READING:  Chapter 18 – Shinzon Origins]

“What’s the job boss?” asked Max.

Tee Bone gritted his teeth a moment.  It was hard to accept everything they had to face.

“We have three primary missions.  One:  to be vigilant and protect the planet from Shinzon, Tyranus, Tommy Lee and anyone else who dares to try us.  Two:  to find our missing friend Moustachio, and bring him home.  And three…” his eyes narrowed.  “Three, to find the ones responsible for killing our dearest blood.  And bring them to justice.”

Everyone at the table clapped.

“I’m not quite up to speed here,” said Mars.  “What exactly are we facing, Tee Bone Man?”

“I wouldn’t worry about Donald Trump,” shushed the Snowman.

“What?” asked Deke.

“Nothing!” answered Snow, as he quickly buried his nose in a menu.

“Allow me?” asked Jex Rambo.  “No offence guys, but I studied the notes.  I think I can explain.”  Tee Bone and Deke nodded in the affirmative.

“To my understanding, up until recently, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes here were fighting fairly localized threats.  Threats at least bound to this planet, or solar system.   However, their friend Moustachio, who some of you may know but I never got to meet, disappeared mid-battle.  Deke has determined that Moustachio is lost in a parallel universe, of which finding him is part of our mission .  Then, as you are all sadly aware, they lost their Northern Lights partners Edie and the Brainiac in recent battles.  A strange clean-shaven clone of Moustachio named Shinzon, representing someone named Tyranus, is involved.  But Deke suspects even Tyranus answers to a much larger threat.  Something multiversal in nature.  The biggest threat we ever faced.  That’s why we were summoned.”

[FURTHER READING:  Chapter 16 – A Crazy Crazy Night]

“That’s about it,” responded Deke.  “No pressure,” he joked.  “You up for this?” he challenged.

“You have my axe!” shouted Max.

“And you have my muscle!” responded Jex Rambo.

“And my tech!” said the head of the Durling Foundation.

“And my petty cash!” screamed the Snowman.

The entire restaurant turned and stared as these bizarre characters each stood and spoke.

“You have my jaws!” proclaimed the King of the Sharks, raising his trident.

“And my vinyl collection!” said the Mars Man, not knowing what else to answer.

“And my books!” announced Aaron.  “Wahoo!!”

Tee Bone looked around him.  It was coming together.  The Northern Lights were coming together.  Maybe their losses were not in vain.  Their united grief had brought this remarkable group of people together on this day.

“And you have my blade!” came a voice with an English accent from the door.

“Bernard!!” shouted Deke and Tee Bone!  “You made it!”

“Of course I did chaps!” answered the knight clad in armor.

A server blocked Bernard’s path.

“OK, OK enough is enough!  We let the shirtless guy in, and the guy with the trident, but not this character from Game of Thrones!  The dress code here is not a joke!”

“I’m not staying,” assured the knight.  He addressed the Northern Lights.  “My fellows, you must come quickly!  I was followed, and they are almost here now!”

As if like one, the entire table stood.  Tee Bone and Superdekes ripped off their funeral clothes, revealing the uniforms underneath.

“Always come prepared,” winked Tee Bone to the table.  “Deke, get our stuff out of the car!  I’m afraid you’re grounded this time; we didn’t bring the flying bike to Kitchener.  But alert Ripper back at the Palace:  we are engaging the enemy!”

Deke nodded and ran out to get their gear from the car they rented.  Using an earpiece, he contacted Ripper the Squirrel back at Deke’s Palace.  Ripper responded and connected Deke to the Palace’s computers and A.I. for the coming battle.

The other heroes filed outside, following Bernard, who pointed at the sky.

“There!  Do you see it?” cried Bernard.

All the heroes gazed skyward, but Tee Bone saw it first.

“Dear God!” he gasped.  “It’s like Hell Freezes Over Part II!”  Indeed, the beasts before him were not unfamiliar.  The denizens of hell were skybound now, and incoming fast.  Parademons and dragons, in the service of Satan, with eyes blazing fire, and claws of bone.

“What the hell?” asked Deke.  “No pun intended, but Satan has been pretty chill lately.  What’s his beef with us now?”

Tee Bone was now suited up with cape, mask and black stealth guitar.  “If I had to guess, he’s in league with Tyranus, and figured they’d try to knock us all off the board at once when we’re at our weakest.”

“Probably a good guess,” nodded Deke.

Tee Bone smiled.  “Too bad for them, it’s not gonna go that way.”  He then shouted a command to Max the Axe.  “MAX!  Get your guitar!  I need its power and volume to boost my own!  I’m prone to overload!  You know what to do!”

“Copy that!” answered Max.  It so happened, his car was already loaded to the brim with amps and instruments for sale.

Deke handed out earpieces to the whole team.  He had his gadget-filled backpack on him now.  “I’m connected to the Palace computers!  I’ll handle communications, and I’ll coordinate the team!” he announced.  “Mars Man!  You’re with me!  I need your hard-core gaming experience to help keep my eyes on all targets!”  Kevin the Mars Man ran to Deke’s side.

“Tally-ho!” shouted Bernard as he charged into battle!  “Parademons be gone forthwith!”  He managed to stab the first incoming beastie with his longsword, but now the parademon was stuck to it and he couldn’t remove his blade.  “O, fiddle-dee-dee!”

Tee Bone was airborne!  Amplified by Max’s riff, “Overload” from the Overload EP, he was nuclear charged, live-wired like a dynamo.  With one strum of his axe, Tee Bone took three parademons out of the sky in a blink.  He swooped up, to meet a large dragon face to face.

“Hey beautiful!  Say cheese!” taunted Tee Bone Man.  The dragon responded with a roar, but Tee Bone blasted it in the eye with ease.  The beast blinked painful hot shards of music out of his eye, and retreated to higher altitude.  Another squad of three parademons replaced him in Tee Bone’s sights.  He launched another volley of chords at one, smashed another in the head with a mighty righty, and burned the other one’s ears out with harmonics.  Feeding off the music of Max the Axe, Tee Bone Man powered himself further skyward.

On the ground, hell literally had broken loose.

A parademon charged at the King of the Sharks, who responded with a head removal by tooth and fang.  He stabbed another flying creature with his trident.

“What the heck do I do?” shrieked Aaron.  “I’m Mr. Books!  I literally read books as my superpower!”

Deke responded with urgency.  “Stay with Durling and Snowman!  Keep them out of trouble!”

Snowman ran from behind a rock to join Aaron at his side.  “I lost sight of Durling!  I don’t know what happened to him!  EEEEK!”  Snowman was startled as a band of parademons rushed his position.  He embraced Aaron for what might be the last time.  The beasts raced with fangs bare.  The two heroes, facing their last moments alive, could see the saliva drip from the mouths of the monstrosities.

“Fear not mes amis!” came a voice.  “Jex Rambo and the Night Ranger are here!”

A mighty fist cracked a parademon’s exoskull.  Jex Rambo crushed the throat of another with his other fist.

Then, swooping down from a roof above, came a dark bat-like shape:  the Night Ranger!

“I’m like four in the morning, I come without a warning!” proclaimed the Night Ranger, as he took out another hellspawn.  “We’re still free to rock in America so long as the Night Ranger is on the case!”

“Yeah but we’re in Canada, eh?” reminded Jex Rambo.

“Don’t ruin my references,” chided the Night Ranger.  Then he looked up.  “Rumours in the air!  More bogies inbound! So ya wanna play rough tonight?”

Jex Rambo flexed.  “Eh, I need the exercise.” He smiled at his own bicep.  “One love!”

“Guys!!  Sorry to interrupt the gunshow,” said Aaron trying to get their attention.  “Snowman and I are supposed to find Mr. Durling!”

“Durling is safe!” answered the Night Ranger with a flourish.  “We work for the Durling Foundation, and his safety is our responsibility!  That’s the secret to my success!  Now, you two join Deke, he needs your assistance right now!  We’ll cover your escape!”  Then he added, “I also like Journey and that was a Journey reference!”

“Welcome to the night machine, assholes!” announced the Night Ranger as he kicked demon tail.

Jex and the Night Ranger took out hellspawn after hellspawn, one by one, fist by fist, and foot by foot, until Aaron and Snowman were safe with Deke and the Mars Man.  The two were manning laptops, coordinating the battle like generals gathered in their masses.

“Mr. Books and Snowman reporting for duty!” they announced.

Deke was deeply focused on Tee Bone’s aerial battle.  Mars Man answered them.  “Guys!  Grab a tablet, each of you!  Each of these control drones!  We need to take out as many parademons as we can!  You know how to shoot?”

“I do!” screamed the Snowman.  “I’m American!”

“I don’t!” answered Aaron, “unless you mean hockey!”

“It’s all similar in principle!” encouraged Deke with a thumbs-up.  He then returned his focus to the screen in front of him.  He addressed Tee Bone on the radio.

“Tee Bone, I’ve analyzed their pattern and I detect a weakness.  It’s the big dragon.  A really big dragon.   They’re all following its lead.  I think it’s psychically controlling the bad guys, coordinating their battle.  We got the ground situation under control.”  The moment he said this, a smaller dragon came crashing down on top of the restaurant.  Patrons screamed as they ran out of every exit.  A few cars were burning the parking lot.  “We got the ground situation relatively under control,” corrected Deke.

Tee Bone radioed back.  “That thing is tough!  Its scales must be 18 inches thick!  If I’m gonna take it down myself, I need Max to play a bigger riff!  I need the Scales of Justice on my side!”

“Roger that!” confirmed Deke.  He then radioed Max.  “Max the Axe!  It’s time for the Scales of Justice!”

“Copy that!” smiled Max, as he changed songs.

In the sky, Tee Bone created a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

Occupying a wide area of parking lot, Jex Rambo and Night Ranger were adding up body counts like Gimli and Legolas.

“Fifteen!” challenged Jex.  “That was fifteen!”  A parademon with both wings removed by hand smashed into a nearby car.  “À la prochaine chicane!” exclaimed Jex Rambo.

Night Ranger scoffed.  “You had a head start!”  A crawling beastie received the stomp of his boot.

“No excuses mon ami!” laughed Jex as he nailed another demon.  “Sixteen!”

Rob, King of the Sharks, was maintaining a safe perimeter around a guitar-soloing Max the Axe.  Anything that got too close was fated to feel his jaws, or his trident…or both.   Meanwhile, Kevin, the Snowman and Mr. Books had General Deke covered, with drones a-blasting everything around.  Bernard was still trying to take his blade out of his first victim’s body.

“Oh, farsel-tart!” he proclaimed as he struggled.  “Could I have a hand here please?” he beckoned, to nobody’s response.

Another wave of beasts was nearing Deke’s position, as he communicated instructions to the combatants.  He was aware of the imminent danger.

“Tee Bone!  I spoke too soon.  We do not have this situation under control.  I gotta jump into battle buddy!  You got this?”

“I got this,” responded Tee Bone over the radio.  Deke dropped the laptop.

He then removed two sonic blasters from his belt.

“Party time,” he announced.  One by one, he took down beast after beast, shot by shot, not missing a single blast.  Kevin and Aaron continued to use their drones to protect his position.

“Thanks boys!  Now let’s keep this from going to hell!” he ordered.  “All guns hot!  Fire everything we got!”

“Isn’t that what we’ve been doing?” asked Kevin to Aaron, while Snowman gleefully blasted targets on his screen.

“You’re asking me?” laughed Aaron.  “All I know is that this is nothing like hockey!”

In the sky, Tee Bone had once again caught up with the biggest dragon he’d ever seen in his many adventures.  The beast roared and spat a fireball the size of a bus.  Tee Bone dodged it easily.

“Is that the best you can do?” he taunted, probing for weaknesses.  He surmised, when that thing opened its jaws, he could send a blast right down its throat, into its belly.  As long as he didn’t get fried trying.

The dragon answered with a roar and a swift retreat and a boom.  He darted off in the direction of the low hills of Kitchener.  Tee Bone pursued, guitar in hand.  Suddenly, the scaled leviathan changed direction!  A quick 180 degrees and it was now behind Tee Bone Man.  The thing was quick.  But not as quick as a nuclear Scotch-infused super hero.  Right on its ample tail, Tee Bone swiftly dodged another raging fireball.

“Superdekes, come in!” shouted Tee Bone Man into his radio.  “Come in Superdekes!”

A frantic Superdekes, clearly in the depth of battle, answered breathless.

“I’m a little busy here big guy!” he gasped.  “What’s going on?”

“That thing is headed due west!  Where’s he going?” queried Tee Bone Man.

Rather than answer, Superdekes had his own question.  “And how do you know he’s headed due west?”

“You know why!” answered Tee Bone.

“Could it be that compass that I persuaded you to install in your guitar’s headstock?” chided Deke.

“I ruined the finish doing that…” answered Tee Bone.

Deke laughed.  “There’s a small lake dead ahead, Puslinch Lake.  He’s heading to water!”

“Copy that!”  Tee Bone paused a moment.  “Compass did come in handy, you were right again…”

“I’m always right!  Over and out!  You got this!”  With that, Deke closed the channel and got back to blasting beasties.

Moments later, the dragon dove beneath the otherwise calm surface of the lake.  Boaters scurried back to dock, as Tee Bone Man roared overhead.  With a dive, he was now submerged.  He held his breath in his mighty lungs, unafraid of drowning.

The dragon was pretty easy to spot, just from the currents he created.  They had no effect on Tee Bone Man as he zipped through the water like a flesh torpedo.

“I see you!” he gasped, as he got a grip on the thing’s tail.  The beast panicked, and made for the surface!  Tee Bone followed.  When he emerged from the water he was greeted by a red-hot ball of flame.

“Woah!!” said Tee, dodging it just in time.  It was followed by a second fireball, which Tee Bone deflected with a shred on his guitar, directly back at his enemy!  The fireball had slowed, and was easy for the dragon to avoid…but as the fireball slowed and dropped lower, it lit up a huge ornate lakeside mansion!  The mansion erupted into gulfs of flame immediately.

“That was Justin Bieber’s house!” yelled two boaters, as they high-fived each other.

“Damn!  I have to save Justin Bieber now?!  Deke…you won’t believe this, but…”

The dragon’s plan had worked.  He may have bested Tee Bone Man this time, but as the commander of the forces of evil, he was needed back at the main battlefield.  His gargantuan wings shook the trees below as he made back for that Kitchener parking lot.

The restaurant was surrounded by fury, but the band of mighty heroes fought hard around a small perimeter.  The large dragon spewed a fireball groundward.  It was extinguished by a fire-fighting drone manned by Kevin the Mars Man, but only barely!

“Tee Bone Man!” shouted Deke into his radio.  “We need you back here!  That dragon showed up, and he’s a little hot under the collar if you know what I mean!”

“On my way,” answered the superhero.  “I had to save Justin Bieber.”

“What?!” asked multiple voices on the channel.

But before they could register their surprise, Tee Bone was visible, a streak of yellow and red!  Like a bullet, he rammed the dragon directly in its ribs.  The beast roared at him in anger.

“TEE BONE MAN.   YOU ARE BUT A TRIFLE NO LONGER TO BE TOLERATED.  SO I SWEARETH TO MY MASTER SATAN, WHO SWEARETH TO HIS MASTER TYRANUS.  YOU BURN!”

Tee Bone was taken aback.  That name!  Tyranus!  All their theories confirmed!  But he had to dodge another fireball before he could stop and think!  Then he had an idea.  How smart were dragons, he wondered?  “I wonder if I can prod this one for more information…”  He flew to the snout of the creature, but remained ready to dodge the next inevitable fireball.

“You can speak?” asked Tee Bone.  “An intelligent creature like you, why do you take orders from a pathetic bean like Satan?” He paused a moment for emphasis.  “Or that joke that calls itself Tyranus, for that matter?”

“YOU INSULT ME!” boomed the dragon.  Another ball of fire zoomed close to Tee Bone, singing the tip of his cape.  Ah well.  It was time for a new one anyway.

“I do insult you, actually!  And what do you say of Tyranus?  Is he too much of a coward to show himself, so he sends his lackeys like you instead?” taunted Tee Bone.

“YOU TEMPT FATE, HUMAN!” Another fireball.

“Heard that one before,” answered Tee Bone.  “But I’m not the one serving two masters!  One of which has an unhealthy Madonna obsession!  You must be afraid of them.”

“I FEAR ONLY ONE!” roared the beast as it leveled fire right at Tee Bone.  The soles of his boots were melting as he zipped out of range!

“You’re afraid, dragon!  Afraid of Satan and his boss!”

The creature flapped its mighty wings and roared.  “I DO NOT FEAR THEM!!  I FEAR ONLY THE EATER OF WORLDS!  AND SO WILL YOU!”

Eater of worlds?  The plot thickens!  Information acquired!  Deke will find this part interesting, but this dragon had to dispatched first!

The ground battle had consumed the entire plaza and surrounding neighbourhood.  Our heroes were surrounded on all sides.  They held strong until one fateful moment.  A rocket from one of Snowman’s drone blasts had blown the doors right off a vintage Volkswagen Beetle.  Max the Axe turned and stared at the burning wreck.  His mouth dropped agape, for in the dashboard was an actual 8-track tape deck.

“I can sell that!” shouted Max as he lowered his guard.

“Max!” shouted Rob the King of the Sharks.  “Watch out!  There are too many of them!  You’ll have to take some down too!”

“After I grab that 8-track deck!” Max shouted back in return.

He lowered his guitar.  A particularly nasty beastie saw, and scurried directly at him.

“Max!!” screamed the King of the Sharks.  Max tumbled backwards as Rob impaled the beast with his trident.  A shout of pain escaped from Max’s mouth.

“My leg!  I…I think I broke it!” he cried.

“For a tape deck…are you happy now Max?” asked Rob as he fought off the hellspawn surrounding them.

“No, I still don’t have the deck!!” answered Max, lying prone on the ground.

“Keep playing!” radioed Deke.  “Tee Bone needs all your power!”  Rob grabbed the guitar and handed it to Max, who played on from the pavement.

The dragon opened its mouth for another breath of flame.

“‘Eater of Worlds’, eh.  File that one away for future reference,” said Tee Bone overhead as he battled the mighty beast.  “It’s now or never.  He served up the perfect line for me, anyway.  Hey, dragon!  EAT THIS!”

Guitar blasting, amplified by Max the Axe, Tee Bone Man sent his mightiest power chord straight down the throat, right to the belly of the beast.  Its eyes went wide.  Its nostrils smoked.  It choked.  It gasped.  Its look was pure surprise.  Perhaps Tyranus made a mistake, for today, the dragon burned from the inside, while Tee Bone Man smiled on in victory.

Then, his smile turned to horror as the beast fell.  It was going to crash directly over his friends!  If it hit the ground, the volatile chemicals that made up its dragon flame would combine and explode, leaving a crater the size of a neighbourhood block!

On the ground, the parademons began to retreat as their psychic connection to the mighty dragon faltered.  They screamed in terror as they flew off from whence they came, in ebony black clouds of evil.  The dragon continued to fall.  Deke looked up.   Aaron, Snowman and the Mars Man saw as well.  Max was prone on the ground, screaming in pain at his broken leg.  The friends gathered around him.  Directly over their head, the dead dragon was incoming!

“Where’s Durling?” asked Deke.

“We got him to a safe location!” responded Night Ranger.  The shadow from above grew.

“Get out of here guys!” shooed Max.  “It’s my fault!  I just wanted to sell that tape deck.”

“Huh?!  No…no, we’re not leaving you,” shouted Deke.  Nodding in agreement was Aaron, Mars, Snowman, Night Ranger, Jex Rambo and the King of the Sharks.  “All for one and one for all.”  He shouted into his radio.  “Tee Bone!” alerted Superdekes.  “We need a miracle!”

“I got this!” came a new voice.  It was a mechanized voice on a rarely used channel.

Deke looked down at his control panel.  He paused in shock.  “Can’t be.  Impossible.  Impossible.”

“Who is it?” screamed the Snowman, “Who can save us?”

“This is Brainiac’s channel…” answered Deke.  “But it can’t be…”

“It’s not!” answered the new voice.   “Just look!”

Deke looked and saw a welcome sight.   From around an alley, the Large Ordnance Outlayer Featuring Assisting Human – Brainiac’s old ride, the LOOFAH, was inbound!  In mere moments, it was standing behind the group of heroes.  The huge mechanical monstrosity steadied itself and prepared to shield the friends from the beast.  “All of you!” it announced.  “Get under!  Now!”

“Come on, Max mon ami!” shouted Jex Rambo as he aided the Axe to stand and get covered.  The heroes all huddled to be sheltered the LOOFAH.   When the dragon finally hit seconds later, the heavy steel just barely managed to hold itself together.  Everyone, even Bernard the Knight, was safe!

“Reliable vintage tech!” proclaimed the Night Ranger, patting the mech on the leg.

“Who’s piloting that thing?” asked Tee Bone as he came to a landing.

“That’s what I’d like to know!” answered Deke.

Shoving the dragon carcass off its back, the LOOFAH disengaged its pilot.

“Who did you expect, Tim Horton himself?” said the blonde girl as she poked her head out.

“Jen?” answered a chorus of voices.  Of course!  It had to be Mrs. Brainiac!

“Someone had to save your butts!” responded the girl.  “Is there room on your team for one more?”

Tee Bone Man smiled and helped her out of the machine.  “Of course.  Always room for one more.  Welcome, Mrs. Brainiac, to the Northern Lights.”  Jen embraced the team as they celebrated their first victory in months.

Then, Tee Bone turned to Deke.

“I have news.  A name.  Or title.  The one that Tyranus answers to.  The Eater of Worlds…”

Not the end…

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snippison and Brainikin’s Excellent Adventure: Chapter One – A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

Snippison and Brainikin’s Excellent Adventure: Chapter One 

A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

[RECAP READING:  The Adventures of Tee Bone Man Chapter 21:  Fate of the Brainiac]

“Come on, Padawan!  The day isn’t won yet!  We don’t rest until every last droid is deactivated!” shouted the Jedi master to his apprentice, as they staggered over boulders and bodies on some battlefield on some planet in a galaxy really far from here.

The apprentice hosltered his laser-boomerang and sighed.

“Master, there are hardly any left!  The only ones remaining are service droids and the odd training remote!”  The apprentice, though younger, sported a luscious moustache of a man twice his age.

“Don’t get snippy with me, Snippison!” commanded the Jedi master.  “The Force tells me there are threats here we have not yet seen.  Can’t you feel it too?”

The apprentice closed his eyes and breathed deep.  He felt the calm and peace of the light side wash over him, even on this battlefield.  “No, master Brainikin.  I can’t.  Are you sure your senses aren’t…distracted?”

The Jedi master laughed.  “Me?  Distracted?  You must be referring to that spot of trouble we found on Cato Nemoidia.  Well as you recall, Snippison…”

“Brainikin!  DROP!” shouted the apprentice suddenly.  He leaped into the air, his laser-boomerang suddenly alight.  Within a second, he had decapitated two probe droids that had snuck up between the rocks.  His master sensed the danger, but not the distance.  He was distracted indeed!

Fortunately, Jedi padawan Snippison was a more-than-capable apprentice.  He swiftly perched himself upon a large boulder, crouched down and reached out with the Force sensing…sensing…

From above, suddenly a Vulture Droid swooped, cannons blazing, far faster than Snippison could throw his boomerang.  He leaped.  With utter precision, just as the Vulture droid was about to take him, he was airborne!  He landed upon the droid’s back, decapitating it with his now-ignited laser boomerang.  The droid bleeped something that you might mistake for pain, but was actually circuits burning out, one after another.  The droid careened down, and Snippison jumped to safety, only mussing his otherwise perfectly kept hair ever so slightly.

“Well done, padawan,” exclaimed Brainikin.  “I feel the battleground is safe for now.”

“That’s three,” answered Snippison as he brushed the dust off his armour.

Unlike the majority of the Jedi order, Snippison wore almost full clone armour into battle. The Jedi council had initially heavily disapproved (especially when Snippison added a series of his own blue identifying marks to it) but had relented, due to the nature of his weapon of choice. Using the laser-boomerang often left him exposed to blaster fire without a reliable way to deflect the shots.

He summoned a hairbrush from a hidden pouch and began grooming his mane.  It was intended as a bit of a boastful gesture, but Snippison also knew the importance of hair care.

Brainkin looked down at the ground, and admitted for the first time, he was indeed distracted.

“What is it, master?” asked the apprentice.  “Is it your secret marriage to Princess Jennidala?  I know that attachment is forbidden.”

Brainikin sat upon a boulder.  “No, my friend, though your perceptions are sharp.  I am indeed stymied by my inability to find the perfect anniversary gift.  What do you get a princess who has the greatest husband?” he shrugged.  “But no, my friend.  Sit.  Talk with me.  I am haunted by something far worse than an empty gift box.”

Snippison saw that Master Brainikin was gravely serious.  He chose a boulder across from his, and sat, leaning forward in attentive listening position.  “Tell me,” he encouraged.

“I’ve been having dreams.  Nightmares,” confessed the Master.

He stopped to collect his thoughts.  There was a lot of information here he was going to have to unpack.

“I think…I think I have witnessed my own murder…but not my own.  This is hard to explain, but did your theory instructors ever mention the Multiverse?”

The padawan cast his mind back.  “Once or twice.  The theory that the galaxy we live in is but one in an infinite universe, and that universe is but one in an equally infinite multiverse.  It never made much sense to me.  I was more interested in practical learning.”

The master smiled.  “I know you are, young one.  But hear me out.  What if it were true?  What if this was one universe among countless?  That means there must be an infinite number of you, and me.  Similar, different, a multitude.”

“I don’t know where you are going with this, master,” said the padawan, trying to keep the old Jedi on topic.  “You were speaking of dreams.”

“Yes, yes,” answered the master hastily.  “I was about to get there.  I sought the advice of some of the oldest masters.  Unfortunately Master Snowda was offworld, fighting in the Clone War.  The only master available to ask was Master Maximus Aximus, and he’s…well, he’s Max the Aximus, isn’t he?  A little on the eccentric side.  But what he told me was this.”  The master took a deep breath.  “When we dream at night, we are dreaming of our other selves in another universe, and what I witnessed was my death…at the hands of another you.”

The padawan took a moment to absorb this.  Then he smiled.  Then he laughed!  “Master, you’re pulling my leg!”

Brainkin frowned.  Then he looked angry.  “No!  Snippison!  Listen to me!”

The padawan turned stonefaced.  He wasn’t joking at all.  He said nothing and listened.

“It was you…but not you.  You had the same hair…but no moustache.  Smooth as a…well, you know the saying.  You wielded a boomerang made not of light but of some kind of metal.  I had my lightsaber, but I could not feel the Force.  I was not a Jedi.  Neither were you.  Yet we were the same people.  The world seemed familiar yet different in the details…and you and I were enemies.  You were taunting me, and though I do not understand the meaning of your words, you provoked an emotional response and struck the killing blow.  Master Snowda was there by my side as I died, but he was not Master Snowda.  He was just a man.  And there were others.  It was as clear as a scene from a holo film.  You killed me, Snippison.  Not you, and not me…but still us.  And that scene has lived with me every night for a month.  I have hidden this from you, and I am sorry.  I should have trusted you sooner.”

The younger man took his time absorbing this information.  He did not doubt his master’s beliefs, only the significance.

“Master, I believe you,” he began.  Start with the good news, he thought.  “And I see how traumatic that vision must have been.  You have always been by side, and so here I am, by your side.”  He stood and stepped next to the older Jedi as if to illustrate his sincerity.  “But, you must move beyond these visions.  Master Snowda would tell you to keep your mind on the here and now.  The Force is mysterious and we know not what it tries to tell us, especially in these dark times.  It could have been a Sith vision, as they know you are a key General in this war.  Incapacitating you would be a major goal achieved for them.  We cannot discount the power of the Sith to do this, nor the…the…”  The apprentice took a moment to find the nicest words he could use.  “We cannot take the testimony of Master Aximus as if it came from the sacred Jedi texts.”

Master Brainikin smiled.  “I knew you would say that,” he laughed.  “And I know that is not the strongest part of my story here.  My point is not whether or not you believe in Multiverse theory or not.  My point is the very reality of the vision has shaken me to my core.  Whether it not it was real, it felt so much so, that I can feel the blade of your boomerang even now.”

The younger Jedi thought for some moments.  Finally he simply said the words that needed to be said.  “I understand, my friend.”

The older man stood.  “Let’s get out of here.  We have shore leave coming, and you know I’m spending mine with Jennidala.”

“As you should!” encouraged Snippison, as he summoned a Republic transport with a “mission accomplished” signal.  “And what are you going to get her?” he prodded.

“And now I’m distracted again!  I better check her Amazon.rpb wishlist.  Thanks, padawan.”

“My pleasure!” smiled the younger Jedi, as something caught his eye.  “Our transport is here,” he pointed, as a Republic Gunship’s distinctive outline could be seen coming over the mountains.

“That was fast,” said Brainikin has he checked his pockets to make sure he had all his equipment.  He placed some goggles over his eyes as those Gunships were known to kick up dust, and this planet only seemed to have two things:  boulders, and dust.

“Least they could do is pick us up fast, after making us wait three days for pickup during the liberation of Mon Cal,” ribbed the padawan.

“Mon Cal food!” gagged the master.

The young one smiled to himself.  He knew Brainikin so well.  Having triggered the memories of getting food poisoning from three days of Mon Cal diet, Master Brainikin will be more focused on his upset stomach the whole flight home.  Too much discomfort to worry about inconsequential nightmares, or yet another anniversary gift.

The Gunship landed, kicking up as much dust as predicted.  The side doors were already open.  The two Jedi boarded the craft, took their seats and buckled in.

“I’m a good padawan,” he said to himself under the sound of the engines’ roar.

Master Brainikin puked over the side of the open hatch while Snippison put on some headphones and smiled.

“Mission accomplished!” He shouted to his barfing partner, who responded with a thumbs up.

“This’ll be a fun flight home,” giggled Snippison.

The end.

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: Fate of the Brainiac

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA


Chapter Twenty-One: Fate of the Brainiac

Recap reading!  Refresh your memory with Chapter Twenty: The Death of Edie Van Heelin’,  Shinzon: Dread and the Fugitive Mind,  Chapter Eighteen: Shinzon Origins, and Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space.

A fatigued and dejected Superdekes and Tee Bone Man worked tirelessly, around the clock.  Their duties had multiplied.  Now they were attempting to organize a team of heroes called the Northern Lights, to defend the Earth from a yet-unidentified threat.  Some players had shown their cards, but it was still a mystery what was coming.  All they knew was, they had better get ready.   They had already suffered their first major loss.  The Northern Lights, ink still barely dry on the membership roster, was down a founding member.   The superhero from California, Edie Van Heelin’, had fallen.

“Any luck analyzing the data from the Battle of California?” asked an exhausted Tee Bone Man.

Deke, frustrated, was seated at his computer.  He whipped his head around and snapped back.  “No!  Don’t you think I would have told you if I had any news?”  Then he paused and wiped his brow.  His face softened.  “I’m sorry man…I guess the strain is getting to all of us.”

Tee Bone nodded in understanding.  “Definitely.  And I’m worried about the Brainiac.  Have you seen him today?”

Deke’s eyes looked up.  “No.  He’s been staying upstairs in Ripper’s room, but I haven’t actually seen him in a couple days.”

“I’ll go check on him,” responded Tee Bone Man, sprinting up the stairs to the top level of Deke’s Palace.

Tee Bone leaped to the top staircase in a single bound.  Down the hall was a door with a crudely written sign taped to it:  “Do not disturb.”  Tee Bone sighed, and knocked.

No answer.  He knocked again.  Then the door opened, revealing not the Brainiac, but his roomate:  the little black squirrel named Ripper.

“Squee squee?” answered Ripper.  Unfortunately, Tee Bone Man did not speak squirrel, and the only person who could, was gone.

“I’m here to check on Brainiac,” answered Tee, hoping the squirrel would understand.  Ripper responded by gesturing with a paw to a shape on the couch inside.  The room was completely darkened.  On the couch was a unidentifiable mound of blankets.  On the table in front were dozens of discarded tissues.  Tee Bone steeled himself and put on a happy face.

“Hey Brainiac!” he cheered inside.  “Just checking on you…Deke and I are going to have a barbecue outside this afternoon.  Have you eaten?”

There was no sound.  The mound on the couch didn’t answer.

Tee Bone strode over to the couch, turned on a light, and removed a blanket.  Underneath was a disheveled, unshaved and despondent shell of a man.  He looked up at Tee Bone, dark circles under his eyes.  “I’m not hungry,” answered the broken Brainiac.

Tee Bone sat.  “Mike…” he began, using the Brainiac’s real name.  “You can’t keep beating yourself over this.  What happened was not your fault.  But she’s gone now.  She wouldn’t want to see you like this.  She would be heartbroken to see you hiding here in this filth.”

Brainiac seemed to come alive at his last words.  “Hiding?  You think I’m hiding in here?”

Tee Bone tried to relax his friend.  “Sorry…poor choice of words.  But you need to come out.  Eat some food.  Get some sun.  Nobody’s asking you to return to active duty.  We just want our friend to be OK.”

Mike felt the warmth in his friends words, but they did not soothe his pain.

“I just wanted my friend to be OK too, Tee.  And look where that got me.  And her.”

Tee Bone took a deep breath.  “Mike…what happened was tragic…but there was nothing you could have done to save her.  I understand what she meant to you…but you are not responsible.  Someone else did it.  Deke is downstairs right now, analysing all the data we collected about that force field that they erected around her Shoe Shed.  We’re not giving up on this.  Come and have some food.”

Mike lashed out with unexpected fury.  “I know who was responsible!  It’s obvious!  But he’s disappeared…I guarantee we’ll never hear from that pathetic scum again.  I never trusted him.  Ever.”

The weight of these words hit Tee Bone hard.  He’d never heard the Brainiac filled with such anger, such hate, such vitriol.  He reasoned out that he was referring to the husband of Edie Van Heelin’, who disappeared off the face of the Earth shortly before the Battle of California began.

“But why?” asked Tee Bone gently.  “What did he have to gain?”

Brainiac snickered.  “Money.”

Not knowing the situation as well as Brainiac, Tee Bone assumed he was right.  “We’ll see if we can follow the money, and find out who put him up to it.  I promise.  We’re not going to give up.  But you have to pull yourself out of this funk!”

Mike took a deep breath.  “I know…I know I do.  This grieving process isn’t as linear as you think.  I go from blaming myself, to blaming everyone else, to…to just wanting to talk to her.  The superhero stuff was fun…but I’d give everything up just to have one more laugh with her.  She…she was different, Tee Bone.  She was full of light, but also terribly naive.  I don’t think she understood the level of evil that we are up against, and the evil in her own back yard.  That’s what really killed her…her inability to see something was terribly wrong in front of her.  And I never said anything, despite the red flags and misgivings.”

“Would she have listened to you, had you warned her?” asked Tee Bone.

Mike thought.  He shook his head.  “No.”

Tee Bone reassured him.  “Then it was Kobayashi Maru.  A no-win scenario.”

A tear fell down Brainiac’s cheek.  He made some movements in an attempt to get off the couch.  His stiff back creaked and his knees snapped, but he managed to get up.  “The best revenge is to win.  And we’re not going to lose,” he said with determination.  “Let’s go downstairs and see what Deke has found.”

“Stretch first,” advised Tee Bone.

Brainiac chuckled.  “Tee Bone wise.  I’ve made that mistake before.  I’m not getting any younger, man!”  He stretched from side to side, cracking every spot that could.  Tee Bone winced at the sound of it, but waited patiently.  Then, with renewed energy, Mike bounded down the steps with Tee Bone barely able to keep up!  They were trailed by the little black squirrel, who seemed relieved that his roommate had finally gotten off the couch.

“Hey Deke!” he said as he walked into the main room at the Palace.  “What have you got for me?”

Deke looked over his glasses and smiled.  “Hey Brainiac!  Unfortunately I don’t have anything yet, but I’m working on it, I promise.”

Mike grinned.  “Have you tried following the money yet?”

Deke was unsure what he meant by that.  “What money?”

Leaning over to look at Deke’s screens, Mike explained.  “I have a theory.  Edie’s death was obviously an inside job.  Someone had to have access to her Shoe Shed, to put all that technology into place, to keep her trapped inside.  Someone who knew she didn’t have her rocket boots with her.  You read me?”

Somberly, Deke nodded.  “I think so.  Inside job…someone close…so you’re looking for a big money transaction.”  Brainiac nodded affirmative.  “I’ll run some searches.  Let’s give the computer a couple hours to go through all the parameters.  Are you coming outside for some barbecue?”

“I haven’t actually eaten in two days,” confessed Mike.  “So that would be a yes.”

Brainiac was happily wiping barbecue sauce from his beard when suddenly Deke erupted in excitement.

“Mike…you were right!  Follow the money!” He was gesturing to his phone.  “My computer has finished scanning unusual transactions into California…and look what we found!  A whole chain of money transfers!”  He handed the device to his friend.  Mike took it, removed his glasses, and began to read.

“Wow…that’s a lot money.  Bitcoin, eh?  It must have taken a lot of computing power to hack this data, Deke.  Thank you,” he said with sincerity.  Continuing reading, he was not surprised to find his old nemesis Tommy Lee was involved with the dirty money.  “That figures,” he said.  Then his eyes squinted.  “But it looks like the actual origin point of this money was…no!  It can’t be!”

“What?  What is it?” asked Deke.  “What are you seeing?”

Mike squinted to look at the addresses again.  He definitely recognized one of them in North Carolina.

“Guys,” he broke to them.  “It’s either a setup, or your friend the Snowman was responsible for this.  Look.”

He handed the phone back to Deke, who took an even closer look.  “Well…that’s definitely the Snowman’s location.  I just can’t see him being involved with this.  We better go check it out, just in case he’s in trouble.”  Deke tucked the phone into his pocket.  Then he smiled at Mike.  “Hey Brainiac…what if I told you that we had an actual X-Wing Fighter and TIE Interceptor that we could fly to North Carolina?”

Brainiac looked stunned a moment.  Then he laughed.  “You’re funny!  Good joke.  I know you’re trying to cheer me up, but that’s not gonna do it!”

“WOOOOOO!” screamed the Brainiac from the seat of a TIE Interceptor.  “I can’t believe you actually have these things!  And that they actually fly!  Do the lasers work too?”

Before anyone could answer, the Brainiac blasted a barn below, which blew into wooden smithereens.

“Whoops!  I guess the lasers do work!”

“Careful there, Big Brain!” cautioned Tee Bone, who was flying in formation in front of the Interceptor and X-Wing.  He was equipped with his black stealth guitar, cape fluttering in the wind.  Deke, meanwhile, was behind the stick of the X-Wing.

The trio were en route to visit the Snowman at his compound, where he stored his copy of Gene Simmons’ Super Duper Vault.  Never one for financial discipline, he bought the box set, and then had to buy a second house to store it.  Snowman was loaded, it was true, but this conspiracy didn’t seem like his style.  He would be just as likely to buy something stupid with the money, rather than pass it on to Van Heelin’s killer.

The two sleek spacecraft, and one guitar-wielding superhero, were sparing no time.  At top speed, they had crossed the US border and were well on their way to east coast.  Deke had rigged up some stealth equipment to ensure they didn’t appear on any radar.  The time flew by faster than a Van Halen album.

Tee Bone alerted his friends, “Snowman’s estate is dead ahead!  No army of snowmen visible at this distance.”  The three circled in for a landing.

“OK guys…how the heck do you land this thing?” asked the Brainiac as they made their final approach.

“It’s all automatic!” answered Deke.  “Center switch!”

As the spacecraft came to a landing, a debonair looking man with white hair and beard emerged from the largest house on the compound.  The man shaded his eyes from the hot sun, and watched.  He knew who this had to be!

“Superdekes!  Tee Bone Man!” screamed the Snowman.  “To what do I owe the pleasure this time?”

Tee Bone Man landed and extended his hand to shake.  “It’s a mystery, Snowman!”  Deke and Brainiac emerged from their ships and walked over to shake hands with the Snowman as Tee Bone continued.  “Deke was doing some digging regarding the recent death of our ally, Edie Van Heelin’.  I’ll let the Brainiac take it from there.”

Snowman motioned for the friends to sit.  There was a picnic table and some bluetooth speakers blaring Kiss.  “Have a seat boys, you like Kiss, I know.”

“We love it loud!” answered Superdekes as he took a seat.

“Sweet tea?” offered the Snowman as a servant appeared with a pitcher and four glasses.  The servant was, of course, wearing Kiss makeup.  Snowman’s guests did double-takes, but didn’t question the eccentric American.  “So you say you’re here regarding Edie Van Heelin’?”

“That’s right,” picked up the Brainiac.  “First of all, let me just make one thing clear — we don’t suspect your involvement at all, that is not why we’re here.  We suspect someone was trying to frame you.  Her death was an inside job, Snowman.  Someone with access to her Shoe Shed and belongings set up a force field, and scrambled her ability to talk to animals.  We think we know who did it, but what we don’t know yet was who paid him off.  That’s who we’re really looking for.  Someone made a big payment…and when Deke traced the money transfers, one of the transactions appeared to come straight through you.”

Snowman’s face went even whiter with shock.  “Impossible!  I had nothing to do with it!”

Tee Bone reassured him.  “We know, we know.  But we had to come down here to see if you knew anything, and warn you that someone big is after all of us.”

Deke emphasized this.  “All of us.  And they managed to take Van Heelin’ down.  She was the only superhero tough enough to take on Tee Bone Man, so you know this is serious, Snowman.”

“Well I’ll be,” he answered.  “This is serious.”

Brainiac huffed.  “You’re damn right it is, and I’m getting tired of talking.  I told you guys how serious this was, and nobody listened.  Let’s act this time.  Are you with us, Snowman?  There’s no time like the present for revenge.”

Tee Bone tried to calm him down.  “Easy, Brainiac.  We’re just here to collect facts.  There won’t be any revenge today.”  Brainiac grumbled something and looked down at his sweet tea.

“Someone’s going to have to pay,” he muttered under his breath.

Deke tried to bring the conversation back to the point.  “Snowman, do you know anyone who would want to frame you for this death?”

Snowman thought a moment, and placed a hand on his bushy beard.  “Well…there are people.  Vinnie Vincent’s not too happy with me at the moment, after I bought his pink Flying V and then he refused to hand it over.  I had my Snowman army sneak in and take it!  So, I’m definitely on his list.”

Tee Bone shook his head.  “No way this is Vinnie Vincent.  He couldn’t organise an album release, let alone a murder.  Anyone else?”

Snowman shook his head no.  “I’m an easy going guy.”

“It’s a damn dead end!” shouted Brainiac, standing.  “I knew this was a waste of time.”

“Easy, Brainiac, we are serious,” cautioned Deke.

“We’re not giving up,” added Tee Bone.

“Neither have I!” insisted Brainiac.  “I’m going for a walk.  I need to blow off some steam.  I’m so frustrated.”

With that, the Brainiac stormed off, heading for some nearby trees.  “I walk alone!” he shouted back at his speechless friends.

Snowman was first to break the awkward silence, as Tee Bone played with the rim of his glass.  “What’s eating him?  One minute we’re having a nice afternoon of drinking sweet tea and listening to Kiss, and now he’s storming off into the woods.”

“Don’t mind the Brainiac,” answered Tee.  “He’s dealing with a lot of guilt.  He blames himself for the death of Edie Van Heelin’.  He’s going to have to work this out on his own.”

The three looked towards the forest.  Brainiac was already concealed by the trees.  Nobody said the words, but all of them were worried.

Alone in the woods, Brainiac sat next to a large oak and began sobbing.

“Why didn’t I see it?  Why didn’t I do anything?  Why didn’t I say anything?” he muttered.  He knew in his head that there were no words he could have spoken that Edie would have heeded.  But what his heart was telling him was another matter.

He didn’t know how long he was sitting beneath that giant oak, nor did he see the shadows looming around him as he wept.

Then a voice, Australian in accent, spoke just before him.

“Hello, Brainiac.  We meet again at last!  When I left you, I was but a Lego learner.  Now, I am the Lego master!”

Brainiac raised his head.  Before him, a clean-shaven Australian man with long silky hair stood, flanked by four androids, two per side.  He sat in utter shock.

“You!!  Shinzon!” exclaimed the Brainiac as he leaped to his feet.  “You’re the one behind this!”

“Actually, no, I’m not.  Though I certainly would have liked to send Edie Van Heelin’ to her early grave, someone else got to her first.  She would have been a mere appetiser.  You, Brainiac, are the main course.”  Shinzon smiled.  “Brainiac, my old friend, have you ever heard the Klingon proverb that says revenge is a dish best served cold?”

Brainiac smiled.  “I have,” he grinned wickedly.  “And I’m very hungry!”  He pulled a green lightsaber from his belt.  He waved it menacingly before Shinzon and the androids.  They all took a few steps back, while Shinzon revealed his new boomerang.  “This isn’t my first duel, you know,” he said.    “I just got this.  It’s made of Vibranium.  Not even your lightsaber can cut through it.”

Brainiac smiled again.  “Let’s find out!”  He leaped forward, removing some of Shinzon’s hair with his blade.

Shinzon shouted orders to his androids.  “Units 1, 2, 3, and 4!  Distract Tee Bone and Superdekes!  The Fanboy is all mine!”

Snowman, Tee Bone and Superdekes all stood from their table, at attention.  From the trees, four silver gleaming androids were inbound.  They were not slowing down.  The three heroes prepared for action.

“Heads up!” shouted Deke, as Tee Bone took to the air.  “Snowman, you have any more defenses around this place?”

“Yeah!” screamed the Snowman.  “I bought 400 squirt guns!”

“Oh, fudge,” responded Deke.  Reaching into his backpack, he wielded his infamous balls of steel on a chain.  “I guess it’s clobbering time!”

“What do I do?” asked the Snowman, armed only with a water gun.

“Short circuit them!” cried Superdekes as he charged into action.

From above, Tee Bone began striking at the androids, who were slowed down from his sonic blasts, but were not stopped!  They kept marching forward, step by step, inexorably, unimpeded by the attack.  Tee Bone then swooped down, and picked up one of the androids, tossing him through the air.  When it landed, it simply got up and started marching forward again.

“These guys are tough!” said Tee Bone.  “Superdekes, what you got?”

“Just my balls of steel!” answered Deke, as he swung the chain at the head of one of the shiny humanoids.  It removed the head cleanly!  “One down!  Three to go!” cheered Deke.

Snowman, meanwhile, was squirting all the water he had, but the gun would only fire two or three feet!  “Guys!” he screamed.  “These squirt guns are crap!  They have no range!”

“You’re no good back there Snowman, go find the Brainiac!  Make sure he’s safe!” commanded Tee Bone Man from the air.  Then, after a pause, “Why the hell did you buy 400 crappy squirtguns anyway?”

“They were on sale!” answered Snowman, as he ran to the trees.

Lightsaber in hand, the Brainiac circled the Australian clone known as Shinzon.

“Tell me who arranged Edie’s murder!” screamed the Brainiac.  “I know you know!”  He slashed with the blade, barely missing the clone.

Shinzon laughed.  “It would be a pity if I killed you,” he proclaimed.  “Leaving you alive, in pain, would be much more deserved.”  He fired his boomerang, missing its target by an inch as the Brainiac managed to duck just in time.

“I’ll show you pain!” screamed Brainiac again, as he lifted his lightsaber with both hands and swung down.

“Swing and a miss!” laughed the Australian.  The blade swung down again, but the clone blocked it with his Vibranium boomerang.  He strained under the force, as Brainiac pushed down hard.  “Come on Fanboy!  You can do better than that!”

Brainiac’s eyes were red with fury.  “You don’t get to call me that!  Only SHE could call me that!”  He swung furiously, aimlessly, missing every time.

Shinzon laughed again, mocking his pain.  “Did you bury her with her rocket boots?” he asked.  “Or did you keep those heels for yourself, Fanboy?”

Brainiac screamed some more, moving forward, forcing Shinzon back into the trees.  “Say that again!  Call me Fanboy one more time.  I dare you!”

Unable to resist, Shinzon took the bait.  “Why, so you can cry some more?”  Then he paused a moment for emphasis.  “…Fanboy.”

With uncontainable fury, Fanboy struck!  His blade cut clean, severing Shinzon’s left hand!  The Australian clone howled in pain, cradling the stump of his wrist.

Brainiac stood before him, gloating.  “How does it feel Shinzon?  How does it feel to lose something important to you?”  The clone did not respond, but simply whined in pain.  Brainiac relished every moment.  “Now tell me…who killed Edie?  I know you know.  If you tell me now, you won’t have to lose any more body parts.”

Shinzon refused to surrender.  “Who killed her?  You did, Fanboy!  You did!”

With an uncontrollable scream, Fanboy lifted his lightsaber in the air with both hands, ready to strike the killing blow.  “Time to die, clone!”  He swung the blade down…

…And was met with the sharp end of a Vibranium boomerang embedded in his chest.  In his mad rage, he could not see that Shinzon was still armed, with the deadly boomerang in his right hand.  Shinzon grinned wide as he shoved it deep.

“Time to die indeed!” he cried in victory, as the Fanboy collapsed on the ground.

Barely able to speak, Brainiac sputtered blood from his mouth.  “…Edie…”  It was all he was able to mutter.

“Aww, Edie!” laughed Shinzon.  “That meddling woman won’t be bothering us again…and neither will you!”  He pulled the boomerang from Fanboy’s chest, who cried in pain at the sudden shock.  “At last!  I’ve had my revenge.  You have no idea what you did to me, Fanboy, you and your friend.  And now you’re both finished.  Poetic, really.”

“…Edie…you…killed…” whispered Mike as he lay bleeding on the ground.

Shinzon laughed some more.  “Me?”  He pointed towards himself mockingly and made an innocent face.  “Not me.  I was offworld.  I had nothing to do with it.  It was my former master, Lord Tyranus, who ordered her death.  With you gone, maybe now I will be back in his good graces.”

Mike sputtered up some blood, hanging onto life as long as he could.  “…Tyranus…” he whispered.

Shinzon picked up the Brainiac’s lightsaber and tucked it into his belt.  “Goodbye, Fanboy.  Forever!  Revenge is indeed sweet!”  He laughed and ran, leaving the bodies of his androids behind.

“Three down!” shouted Tee Bone Man from the air as he took down the third of the four androids attacking them.  “You got the last one, Deke?”

“Roger that!” affirmed Deke, as he removed the head from another android with his balls of steel.  “That’s four!”  Now where did Snowman and Brainiac go?”

“We’d better go find ’em!” answered Tee.

Suddenly, the pair saw a starship lift off from the woods.

“That ain’t good,” said Deke grimly.

The ship, now airborne, blasted into the atmosphere, far too fast for the heroes to chase. “Don’t worry about the ship!” said Tee Bone.  “Find Snowman and the Brainiac!”  They ran into the woods, where they caught sight of the Snowman, kneeling over a body.

“Stay with me Mike!” they could hear him shout.  “Stay with me!”

“Oh, no…” said Tee Bone as they circled the fallen man.

Snowman looked up at them, desperation in his face.  “I found him like this!  I don’t know what to do!  I called 911.”  Snowman had used his overshirt to pack the wound, but Mike was bleeding out fast.

“Mike…hang in there buddy.  Help is on the way,” said Tee Bone.

Suddenly Mike opened his eyes and cried “Jen!!  Tell Jen…tell her…tell her what happened…that I tried!…Edie…”  The three friends tried to keep him stable.

“It’s OK buddy…it’s OK…” whispered Deke as Mike appeared delirious.  “You’ll be seeing Jen soon, you can tell her yourself.”

“Tell Jen…she needs to carry on my work…only she can do it…You guys have to help her.”  He gasped for breath.  “I can see Edie…she’s just on the other side…through the light…she’s calling me…” choked Mike.

“Hang in there buddy!” prayed Snowman.  “Stay out of the light!”

Mike coughed up blood.  He turned and looked right into Tee Bone’s eyes.  “Listen to me…It wasn’t…it wasn’t…it wasn’t Shinzon…”  The blood splattered down his lips.  “I’m coming Edie,” he whispered.  “I’ll be there soon…”

“You’re not going anywhere man!” said Tee Bone directly into his face.  “You can hear me, I know you can…this is Tee Bone…we’re getting help…”

Mike looked straight into his eyes.  “The killer…was named Tyranus…”  He coughed up more blood.  “Lord…Tyranus…”  His  head fell.  “Edie…Hi…I missed you…”

With that, just as the ambulance sirens could be heard in the distance, the Brainiac took his final breath.

A somber Snowman served sweet tea to his two remaining guests, Superdekes and Tee Bone Man, as they sat at his kitchen table, unable to shake the sight of what had just happened.

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” said Tee Bone.  “He was…well, he was unique, that is for sure.”

“Nobody loved Kiss more than the Brainiac,” answered Snowman.  “Not even me.  And I’m insane.”

Deke laughed.  “That’s right!  He even liked Peter’s solo album!”

“I would have liked to play it for him at Camp this summer,” smiled Tee Bone.  A tear formed in his eye.  “Seems surreal to be sitting here now, without him.  What happened?”

Deke answered, “It was that Shinzon character.  The clone.”

“He also mentioned someone named Lord Tyranus,” said Tee Bone in response.  “That’s the biggest clue we’ve had so far.”

“Good info.  At least he didn’t die for nothing,” said Deke.  At that exact moment, his phone beeped.  “Woah-ho!  Would you look at that.”  He handed his phone to the Snowman.

“Why, this doesn’t make any sense!” he said as he looked at the data.

“It actually does!” said Deke.  The money we were tracking…this was a distraction, embedded into the blockchain!  Probably another setup.  But I figured out where the money really originated.  Look.”

“I see it…but I don’t believe it!” said Snowman.  “Mar-A-Lago?”

“Mar-A-Lago, Florida,” said a satisfied Deke.

“Trump…” all three said simultaneously.  Then Deke and Tee Bone noticed Snowman swallowing hard.

“You OK Snowman?  You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”

Snowman smiled.  “Oh yeah!  No, I’m fine!  Yeah, I don’t know anything about Trump.  We left his clone on Mars, remember?”

“That we did,” answered Tee Bone.  “He’s safer there on Mars, and we’re better off with him there as well.”  He stood.  “Well Deke?  Time to head home.   We need to tell the other members of the Northern Lights what has happened here today.  Another defeat.  Another loss.  Another hero gone.”

The three all shook hands.  Snowman saw his friends out the door.  When it closed, he breathed a massive sigh of relief.

“Whew…those guys better not find out what I really did with Trump’s clone!”

Snowman turned on the news, and waited for the latest out of Mar-A-Lago.

The end

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: The Death of Edie Van Heelin’

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA


Chapter Twenty: The Death of Edie Van Heelin’

Edie Van Heelin’ roared through the sky.  Her rocket boots firing, and hair perfectly straight regardless of the wind, she was incoming fast!

“Hey Tee Bone Man!” she shouted into her radio.  “Catch!”

Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were flying in formation with her, Edie in the lead with the other two following.

“Catch what?” asked a puzzled Tee Bone Man.

Edie threw a flask at him, which he caught handily.

“I think you’ll like this!” she explained.  “It’s Scotch-infused green tea!”

Tee Bone smiled.  “Ahh, science.  What won’t it think of next?”  Tee Bone downed some of the tea, pouring the rest into his guitar’s audio jack.  The instrument glowed with nuclear power as it absorbed the essence of Scotch.

“You guys all set?” asked Superdekes impatiently from his flying motorcycle.

“The Northern Lights are ready to rock!” answered Tee Bone.  “Let’s do this!”

Today’s mission was a rather simple one.  The Guitar Center in California had been robbed!  12 valuable Telecasters and 14 vintage Les Pauls had been stolen.  Fortunately the shop owner had the foresight to put trackers on his most valuable instruments.  Tracing them to their current location was easy as pie, especially with Deke’s technology on their side!

“Dead ahead!” pointed Deke, to a patch of rocks in the California mountains.  “A cave, I’ll bet!”

“Then let’s pay Mr. Caveman a visit.  You ready Edie?” asked Tee Bone.

“I never was much of a Flintstones fan,” she answered.  “Let’s kick some behinds!”  Tee Bone and Deke laughed.  They always found it amusing how Edie refused to swear!

The trio soared down, down, down to the mountains below, and easily spotted a large cave in the side of one tall peak.  Tee Bone and Edie landed easily on a cliff face.  Deke, on the other hand, was without a runway.

“Sorry guys,” said Deke into his radio.  “I have nowhere to land.  I’ll have to circle around up here and watch for aerial threats.”

“Keep your eyes on the sky, we got this down here!” answered Tee Bone.

Edie and Tee stood at the mouth of a large, dark cave.  Edie activated a light on her smartglasses and the pair entered, cautiously.  Before them was a door.  A solid steel door, bolted shut, with no obvious way to open it.

“That’s not suspicious at all,” joked Edie.  “I got this.  Stand back!”

Edie took several steps backwards, leaned forward, and took a deep breath.  Eyes straight ahead, she ignited her rocket boots with a whoosh!  Like a flash, she slammed into the steel door, easily knocking it off its hinges.

“Nice one!” shouted Tee.  “Deke, we’re in!” he radioed to his friend.

“Copy that!” answered Deke.  Edie, meanwhile, was fussing over something.

“Oh, shoot,” she huffed.  “I broke a nail!”

“You also broke a solid steel door, so I wouldn’t sweat the small stuff!” encouraged Tee Bone.  “Let’s go!”

Edie smiled and rushed through the door.  What she saw on the other side shocked her.  Tee Bone joined her, mouth agape.  Before them was a hockey player with a large, unusual nose, wearing a Boston Bruins jersey.  He resembled a rat.  A rat wearing the number 63.  He sat there on the cave floor, surrounded by guitars…crying.

“Brad Marchand?” asked Tee.  “Is that you?”

“Go away!” shooed the rat-like man.  “Leave me alone!”

Edie then leaned over him.  “Aww, poor thing.  Why are you crying, sweetie?”

Suddenly Marchand burst into emotion.  “I wanted to be the best at something!  I thought if I stole these guitars…I could be the best!  Better than you!  But playing guitar isn’t as easy as cheating at hockey.  I just want to go home!”

Tee Bone could not believe what he was hearing.  “You stole all these guitars…decided you couldn’t play them…and now you want to go home??” asked an incredulous Tee Bone.

Brad Marchand wiped his eyes.  “Yes, please.”

He wasn’t getting off that easy.  Edie was not impressed.  “Too bad, Brad!” (She turned to Tee Bone to make sure she got his name right.  Tee nodded in the affirmative.)  “You committed a crime, and criminals must pay!  You’re coming with us!”

Tee Bone radioed Deke.  “We have the culprit.  And you won’t believe who it is.”

Deke laughed into his radio.  “Based on that, it’s either Billy Sheehan or Brad Marchand…”

“Damn!” huffed Tee.  “Got it on your second guess!   He has surrendered — we are taking him in.”

“That was easy!” said Superdekes.  “Didn’t even break a sweat.  Day off tomorrow as we agreed, regardless?”

“Day off tomorrow,” confirmed Tee Bone.  “Nothing’s going to stop that.  You got this, Edie?”

Edie Van Heelin’ had Brad Marchand well in hand.  Igniting her rocket boots, she was ready to go.  “I’ll take him straight to the NHL headquarters, and I’ll return all these guitars.  No problem!  No day off tomorrow for me though…doing a podcast with Fanboy Mike about my new album!”

“Say hi to Brainiac for us!” said Deke.  “Let’s head home, Tee!”

With that, the heroes went their separate ways.

The next day, Tee Bone and Superdekes were in party mode.

“Hey pal!” shouted Superdekes from across the room.  “Throw on some Leppard!”

Tee Bone Man, glasses perched upon his nose, looked up.  “I’ll throw on the Leppard, you grab the Scotch!”  Tee Bone selected High ‘N’ Dry, dusted off the vinyl, and gingerly placed it upon the turntable.  With great care he dropped the needle.  Side two:  “Lady Strange”.  Deke nodded in approval.

It was a day off at Deke’s Palace.  The boys agreed to do absolutely no super-heroing on this day.  They’d been working non-stop and knew all too well the dangers of overdoing things.  Tee Bone was going to be due for another vacation at camp soon, but a day off was just what the doctor ordered.

And then the record started skipping.

“Lady Strange, Lady Strange, I want you, Lady Strange, Lady Strange, I need…need…need…need…”

Deke and Tee Bone looked at each other surreptitiously, trying to ignore it.

“Ahh, shit!” said Deke.  “Danger vibes.  On our day off.”

“Can’t we just ignore it this time?” begged Tee Bone.  “There are other superheroes, remember?  You said it yourself.  Let another member of the Northern Lights handle this one.  Maybe Snowman.  Let him take the X-Wing.”

Deke sighed.  “You’re right.  I’ll text Snowman to check it out.”  But just as he picked up the phone…it rang.

“That’s not good,” said Tee Bone with a sense of impending doom.

Deke answered.  “Deke’s Palace…Superdekes on the line…”

“Hey Deke,” came a shaking voice on the other end.  “It’s me.  Brainiac.”

“Brainiac!!  Here let me put you on speaker phone.  What’s wrong man?  You don’t sound good,” said Deke with concern.

“It’s Edie.  She’s…in trouble.  I need your help.”

Without a second’s hesitation, Tee Bone was standing and going to grab his uniform and guitar.  Deke was also standing, ready to act.

“Tell us the story man, what happened?” asked Deke.

“I need to get to Glendora, California, right away,” answered Brainiac.  “Right now.  I’ve lost all communications with her.  Cut off.  Completely black.  She’s in trouble.  We have to get there, fast.”

Deke was already in the garage.  “Perfect time to try out the DekeCopter.  I’ll be there in one hour.”

Tee Bone Man emerged fully caped and ready to fly.  “Let’s do this.”

California

Edie Van Heelin’ was helpless.  For the first time since she became a superhero, she was truly and utterly helpless.

Trapped in her Shoe Shed, locked inside like a prison.  No rocket boots.  No animals.  A dampening field had been erected around the entire area, blocking her telepathy.  She never saw it coming!  The rocket boots were in the garage for scheduled maintenance, with the rest of her weapons and gadgets.  She was completely off guard.  She only went to the Shoe Shed to work on a live stream with Fanboy Mike, when suddenly the internet was cut.  Then, a force field zapped into place, locking her inside.  If she had her rocket boots, or guitar, or even a raccoon, she could be out of here in no time.

It had been several hours.  She sat barefoot on the floor, meditating, helpless as never before, with only hope to keep her going.  Hope that Mike would get through.  Hope that help would arrive, before she ran out of oxygen.  She practiced her breathing.  Keeping it slow and steady, and fell into a deep state of calm.

“Help me Fanboy Mike…you’re my only hope…”

“I hear you, Edie,” said Mike to himself as sat alone in the passenger compartment of the DekeCopter.  His goggles fogged up as he fought back tears.  The thought of his friend, always so freewilled and good spirited…now locked in a cage… it was too much to bear.  He caught sight of Tee Bone Man, black stealth guitar in hand, flying beside them.  Tee Bone Man gave him a thumbs up through the window.

“It’s gonna be OK Brainiac,” he buzzed over the radio.  “We’re almost there.”

“Thanks buddy,” he radioed back.  “She was in the Shoe Shed when we lost contact.  That’s her last known coordinates.”

“Shoe Shed??” asked Tee Bone.

“Yeah, don’t ask,” sighed Mike.

Deke then buzzed them both from the cockpit.  “Guys…the energy readings coming from that shed are off the charts.  I’ve never seen anything like it before.  It’s going to take everything we have to get through that shield.”

Tee Bone radioed back.  “Good thing we happened to bring everything we have.  I’m going in!”  The superhero dove quickly toward the ground, and the large Shoe Shed directly ahead.  With a steely look in his eye, Tee Bone readied his guitar.  He paused a moment, tuned the “E” string a little higher, and aimed.  With a mighty strum, Tee Bone assaulted the shield with a sonic blast that shook the entire neighbourhood.

Deke radioed.  “That did something!  Shields down to 90%!”

“Then if I still remember my highschool math, that means I only need to hit it nine more times before it’s down!” shouted Tee Bone back, as he readied another shot from the sky.

Watching this from the window, Mike wondered, “Where’s Mr. Van Heelin’?”

“What’s that Mike?” asked Deke from the cockpit.

“Nothing,” he answered.

“You better get ready,” advised Deke.  “You know the plan.  You OK?  You got this?”

“I got this,” said Mike as he stood and strapped on a safety harness.

Tee Bone, meanwhile, kept assaulting the shield with his massive power chords.  “It’s almost down!” he announced as the shield visibly shimmered below.  “Get into position!”

“Roger roger,” said Mike as he attached a cable to his safety harness.  “Safety first…” he whispered to himself, one of Edie’s favourite sayings.  “Don’t worry Edie.  We’ll be drinking tea together soon enough.  I know it.”

Inside the Shoe Shed, hearing the DekeCopter, Edie Van Heelin’ was ready to spring into action.  Her rescue was imminent!  She was ready.

“I knew Mike would come through,” she said.  “He’s never let me down.”

Without her rocket boots, she was at a disadvantage.  With the added loss of her animal allies, she had never been in this much danger before.  In her bare feet she stood, waiting for the force field keeping her inside to drop.  Through the shed windows, she could see it shimmer as it withstood shot after shot from Tee Bone’s mighty weapon.

“One more shot!” shouted Tee Bone as he blasted the shield a final time.  There was a bright flash of white, and then suddenly, the shed was vulnerable!

“Edie!  Edie!  Can you hear me?” shouted Mike into his microphone.  “Stand by!  Tee Bone’s gonna blast a hole in the roof and then I’m getting you out there!”

The radio crackled.

“Oh Mike!” cried Edie.  “I knew you’d come.  Just like you said you always would!”

“I’m here,” he comforted.  “It’ll only be a second.”

Suddenly the roof of the Shoe Shed was vaporized by Tee Bone’s electric harmony.  On cue, Mike leaped from the helicopter, the cable attached to his safety harness keeping him from becoming a splatter on the ground.  In a blur, he was there on the floor of the Shoe Shed standing before Edie.

“Hey, rock star,” he winked.  “What are you waiting for?  Let’s go!”

With a kiss on the cheek, she jumped on his back and held on tight.  “I knew you’d come for me.”

“Take us up!” Mike radioed to Deke.  The cable slowly retracted, and the pair rose out of the shed and into the air.

An alarm went off in the cockpit of the DekeCopter.  “Shit!!  Guys, that shield is going back up!!”

“Oh, no!” whispered Mike, as a mighty force nearly knocked him right out of his safety harness.  Edie fell.

“Mike!!” she screamed as he reached out his hand, catching hers in his.

“I got you Edie!!” yelled Mike.  “Tee Bone!  Need an assist here!”

“Copy that!” said Tee as he flew lower to help his friends.  The force field tried to assert itself again, and it blasted Tee Bone back.

Mike felt his grip becoming more and more tenuous.  One finger at a time, Edie was slipping away from him.

“Hang on Edie!  Please hang on!”

With pleading in her doe eyes, she wordlessly begged him not to let go.

The last finger slipped.

Edie’s mouth opened wide in terror.  Mike screamed.  Tee Bone raced, but it was too late.

With a sickening crack, Edie Van Heelin’ hit the ground.

Mike could not look.  He covered his eyes.

There was silence.  Nothing but silence.  The helicopter whopped in the air, but none of them could hear it.

“Mike…” crackled the radio.  “Mike come in.  What happened…”

He did not answer.  He sobbed in grief.

“Hang on buddy,” said Deke as reeled Mike back up into the DekeCopter.  “I got you.”

“I had her…” said Mike.

“It’s not your fault,” said Tee as he landed in the Copter.  “Don’t blame yourself,” he comforted.

“Guys,” radioed Deke, “that force field is starting to look angry.  It’s about to spit something back at us…”

At that moment the force field returned to full strength, and then some!  It began to pulse and expand.

“Get us out of here Deke!” shouted Tee from behind.

Deke hit the throttle.  The ground exploded beneath them, leaving nothing but shreds of wood and rubble.  Nothing but the detritus of a lost battle.

Three days later

 

It was raining in California as they lowered the casket into the soil.  Dressed in black, they were all there to bear witness.  Tee Bone, Deke, Mike, some men in suits representing the Durling Foundation, Aaron, the 80s Metal Man, Max the Axe…even Wolfgang Van Halen made it.  They all stood silent, in tribute to the fallen hero.

Mike stepped forward to speak.

“Edie…there will never be another like you.  I brought something for you.  Your favourite tea. Green…” he sniffed as a tear rolled down.  “…with local honey.”

He poured the tea over the ground, and sobbed.  Tee Bone rubbed his shoulders as he continued to speak.

“I know I’m usually the ‘words guy’,” said Mike, “But I am without words today.  I will miss you more than words can say.  There will never be another you.  In all the multiverse, they will never find another Edie Van Heelin’.  My loss is immeasurable.  That’s all I have to say.”

On cue, “Songbird” by Fleetwood Mac began.

For you, there’ll be no more cryingFor you, the sun will be shiningAnd I feel that when I’m with youIt’s alright, I know it’s right
To you, I’ll give the worldTo you, I’ll never be cold‘Cause I feel that when I’m with youIt’s alright, I know it’s right
And the songbirds are singing,Like they know the scoreAnd I love you, I love you, I love youLike never before
And I wish you all the love in the worldBut most of all, I wish it from myself
And the songbirds keep singingLike they know the scoreAnd I love you, I love you, I love youLike never before, like never before,Like never before

From a hilltop, a pack of arctic wolves stood silently and watched.  They were larger than the average wolf, large enough for a human to easily ride upon their backs.  The wolves sullenly watched as dirt fell over the casket.  A lone tear fell from the mother wolf’s eye.

Epilogue

“Tommy Lee!” commanded Lord Tyranus.  “Report!  Is it done?”

“Yeah dude!  All done, just as you asked!” cackled the drummer.

“Excellent!  The husband took the money then?” asked Tyranus.

“Just like you said he would!” answered Lee.  “He’s a little pissed off that his wife is dead, but he’ll get over it.  It was a lot of money.”

Tyranus laughed.  “Excellent.  She is terminated, then?”

“Knock ’em dead, kid!” answered Lee.

The Sith lord laughed again.

“Well done, Lee.  Well done.  Your reward will be suitable.”  Lee nodded happily, and Tyranus killed the communication.

“One down, many more to go.  Earth will soon be ours,” he pondered as he gazed to the stars.

 

THE END

REST IN PEACE EDIE VAN HEELIN’.  05/06/23

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 1 – Farao Way From Home – A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story (by Harrison Kopp)

Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures
Chapter 1: Farao Way From Home

A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

By Harrison Kopp

Continued from The Adventures of Tee Bone Man Chapter 16: A Crazy Crazy Night (Part 3)

Moments ago…

The cracks continued outwards, and the scaffolding that Moustachio was clinging to began to break loose. This was fairly alarming, and the Australian tried to hasten his ascent. But it was no use, it was too far to the top.

Ripper the squirrel clambered up ahead of him and desperately began pulling on his finger.

“No use buddy”, the Australian smiled gently. “Go up there and help the others, ok?”.

The squirrel was vehemently against at the idea of leaving the Australian to his fate.

“I’ll be fine”, Moustachio said with a wry smile. “They need you more.”

And, not taking no for an answer, El Moustachio grabbed the small ball of fur and hurled him high up to safety. He knew he could count on the little guy. Mere seconds later he was falling backwards towards the green pit as the scaffolding beneath him completely collapsed.

Enveloped by a tawny-coloured explosion on his way down, the Australian vanished without a trace.

Then, El Moustachio appeared out of thin air and hit the ground with a wet thud, rolling twice before coming to a gentle rest. He gingerly picked himself up and observed his strange new surroundings. He knew he wasn’t in Hell because he’d been there before and it was a lot more red. In fact, the world he now found himself was actually really green. He was in a city, but there was more plant life here than he’d ever seen before. Thick vines snaked up the buildings, and the ground was more like sodden earth than concrete.

But all through it all there was something familiar. A scent he was very used to, but stronger than he’d ever smelt it before. Even stronger than the aroma of the small item he still carried in his back pocket. And it was only getting stronger.

El Moustachio stepped out of the alleyway into the city. The cool night was dimly lit by the bioluminescent plants around him. In the distance he spied a figure, and a low rumble filled the air. Suddenly he realised just how alone he was.

The figure took a step forward. And then another.

El Moustachio took a step back and steeled himself.

One way or another, things were never going to be the same again.

Now.

El Moustachio had done some arguably brave things before (the only reason they weren’t called foolish though was because he had survived), but his friends always had his back then. Now he was alone in a strange land, with no weapons, and a humanoid creature bearing down on him at an alarming pace.

The ground began to rumble and the glow of the bioluminescent plants around him began to intensify. The figure in the distance was advancing rapidly and Moustachio decided it was time to make tracks. But this thought never became an action, as at this very moment vines erupted from the ground all around him, snaking their way up his body and restraining him in place.

Now upon him, the humanoid stepped into the light and El Moustachio recoiled. He was human-looking, but he was unlike anyone Moustachio had ever seen before. He was wearing mostly orange, but the attention of the eyes was drawn to his voluminous bright green hair and verdant cape, which contrasted well against his pale white skin.

The strange man grinned.

“Let’s see what we have here”, he said with a wave of his hand.

Two crimson flowers extended from the surrounding greenery and made their way on vine-y stems towards El Moustachio. The flowers hissed in his face as a reddish gas wafted from their “mouths”.

But then everything seemed to change, and the man before him withdrew the strange plants, no doubt having determined that Moustachio was not dangerous. The Australian could hardly believe he had been so cynical as to consider this man a threat earlier. He was, after all, merely investigating an intruder in his land.

The man then made a very reasonable request, asking who Moustachio was and how he came to be here. This was a dangerous place after all, Moustachio thought to himself, and the Australian was sure this man only wanted to help others avoid falling into it like he had.

So Moustachio told him who he was and were he came from, being extra certain to mention how his world had many good people who could run afoul of this world, especially if their heroes were not there to protect them. He then talked about how he had fallen into a strange cloud of liquid trying to stop a bad man from taking control of a source of terrifying power.

The man showed considerable interest in this and began to think intently. Moustachio was certainly right. There were lots of people in his world who would be unable to defend themselves here.

The Australian would have continued but he was forced to close his eyes as a gout of fire spewed forth from the sky and scorched the earth around him. The plants immobilizing him instantly shrank away in fear or ashes, and the man questioning Moustachio dove backwards into the shadows.

More fireballs spewed forth striking whatever greenery was around. The air was now thick with smoke as an orange glare lit up the surrounding area. El Moustachio began to stagger away, but his attention was caught by a man coming down from the sky.

The Australian had never seen the man before, but he looked familiar. A long grey beard masked his face, but Moustachio was sure he’d seen those eyes before. The cape/guitar combo was also mighty familiar.

The older man held out his hand and extended Moustachio an invitation that the Australian did not have to think twice about.

“Let us depart immediately, or else you will perish.”

Wasting no time, El Moustachio grabbed the man’s hand and was immediately taken skyward as a feral howl from below followed them into the air. The Australian held on for dear life as they continued to ascend into the night sky.

After a few minutes they broke the cloud layer, and the Australian was treated to the sight of beautiful starshine all around. He had never seen the night sky outside of the city, and it was better than he had ever imagined it would be.

El Moustachio took the chance to enjoy some peace and quiet for a few minutes, but soon spied something in the distance and, as they got closer, realized his eyes really weren’t deceiving him. That really was a floating chunk of earth with a red and white windmill on it.

They reached it shortly, and the Australian was gently lowered to the ground.

“Thank you”, El Moustachio said to his rescuer, who was touching down himself.

“Are you hurt?”, the older man asked.

“I don’t think so”, El Moustachio replied, “But I’m really confused. Where am I? How did I get here? Who are all you people?”

“There’s a bit of a lengthy explanation to all this.”, the old man replied, “Come inside and I’ll start from the beginning.”

The Australian obliged, following the old man into the humble dwelling inside the windmill. It was a simple dwelling, with the bare essentials of hospitality, though over against one wall sat a complex set of machinery and computers.

The old man laid his guitar against his bed and turned to face El Moustachio.

“Allow me to introduce myself first. Officially I am Professor Scotchafunkilus, but you can call me Troy.”

“Troy?”, the Australian replied, thinking of his friend back home. Or was that back in time?

“My name. My friends would call me Tee Bone, but I haven’t had any of those in a while.”

The look on Moustachio’s face told the Professor enough.

“Ah, I see you must be familiar with one of my counterparts then. In that case let me cut to the chase a little – you’re in another universe entirely, and not a good one I’m afraid.”

“You mean like a parallel universe?”, Moustachio asked.

“Yes. One of many in the multiverse.”, Scotchafunkilus replied.

Moustachio had to sit down.

“How…how did this even happen? How did I get here?”

“Radioactive scotch particles. Powerful stuff that, but very volatile. There’s some of them floating around in every universe, and once in a blue moon two of them occupy the same spot in different universes. This causes them to react in an explosion that causes a temporary bridge between the two universes. Anything caught in that explosion can transfer between them.”

Moustachio thought back to his fall from the scaffolding only hours ago.

“My scanners picked up your entry and I rushed there as fast as I could.”, Scotchafunkilus continued. “What worries me though is that these events are becoming larger and more frequent. Something’s happening out there. Look at this here. Two events within a short time frame of each other and the scotch quotient of both are off the charts. Something massive came through there and left again here.”

This did not make Moustachio feel good. Nor did the prospect of staying in this universe.

“But what happened here?”, Moustachio asked, “This place is almost as bad as Hell.”

Professor Scotchafunkilus exhaled slowly. After a short pause he gravely answered.

“A couple decades ago a man gained control of a great power on an island not far from here. He was never the same again. He let himself fall deeper and deeper into darkness. His desire to create, his desire to protect, his desire to mean something, they all twisted him into the horrible being that attacked you – The Cabbage Lord.”

A shot of fear went through Moustachio’s heart. He thought back to his friends on Wicked Lester’s Island. What if they couldn’t stop him without Moustachio? What if this hellscape here was the future of the Australian’s world too now? Scotchafunkilus continued.

“We formed a resistance. Tried to fight back. But his empire only grew. Now I live alone here, researching the multiverse. Eventually I’ll find a way to revert this universe back, or I’ll die and my problems will be over.”

El Moustachio hated to see Tee Bone like this.

“Come on, we can do better than that. Surely we can do something to avenge this world at the very least.”

“No. My priority now is getting you out of here. The Cabbage Lord will probably manage to track us down tomorrow, and you need to be gone before then. This isn’t your fight.”

“Tomorrow comes today Tee Bone!”, screamed the Cabbage Lord from outside the building.

Scotchafunkilus and Moustachio were sent lurching forward as the floating island came to an abrupt stop, wrapped in the tendrils of a large plant.

“How did he get here so fast!?”, the Professor asked.

But he wasn’t particularly interested in the answer. Wasting no time, Scotchafunkilus ran to his guitar and began to play.

“I’ve devised a guitar solo that attracts radioactive scotch particles. But there’s no guarantee on how long it will take two to collide. Or where you’ll end up.”

“Then I should stay here.”, Moustachio said, “He’s outnumbered – we can take him now.”

“No”, the Professor replied, “He’s too powerful and you deserve better than to die here to him.”

The old man continued to play, as the rumbling sound got louder. The Australian looked around, worried. Any second the plants would be through the ground.

Then Moustachio heard a loud crack and felt a burst of liquid behind him. But before he could think any further, Professor Scotchafunkilus kicked him into the Mahongany explosion, and everything went black. Only for a second. And not for the first time today (not that the day had been anything even remotely close to the usual passing of 24 hours he experienced), El Moustachio fell out of thin air into a strange new world.

This time his fall was not cushioned, and he gingerly held a hand to his side as he got up from the rocky ground. He was on a mountain somewhere. He wasn’t high enough to see snow yet, but it certainly wasn’t warm up here. Plus it was pouring with rain.

He was soon soaked, but gunfire from the dark sky drew his attention to the heavens. He peered into the murky gloom, trying to spot the source of the noise. And he seemed to have done so. Becoming more visible by the second came a peculiar skycraft.

It was, well, it looked like a lead zeppelin, but that was impossible because those..didn’t..exist?

But this was one very real, and it was heading right for where El Moustachio was standing.

Back in the windmill, the Cabbage Lord stood alone in the smouldering building, as blood and Scotch mixed together in a pool on the floor. He tenderly rubbed some aloe on his wounds and examined the remains of the computers in the room.

The machines had suffered a lot of exterior damage from the fire, but most of the hard drives inside seem to have only suffered superficial burns. This was good news. There was a whole multiverse out there, and now the Cabbage Lord was close to being able to make it his.

Here.  Now.

Far far away, across universes, Tee Bone awoke with a jolt. He had the weirdest dream. He was an old man, with a beard right out of a ZZ Top album cover, and Moustachio was in it too.

A cold breath escaped his lips. He had died, hadn’t he? That’s how the dream had to have ended. It was only a dream, but it felt strangely real to him. Too real. At least I know Moustachio is still out there he thought to himself as he rolled over and snuggled under the covers. It was a comforting thought and it got him back to sleep within minutes.

To Be Continued…

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM