Classic Quotes

Part 112: Klassic Kwotes IX!

RECORD STORE TALES PART 112:  Klassic Kwotes IX!

1. “I just have this image of Josh shaking his ‘thing'”.  Not actually spoken in-store, this was found on the ground on a piece of pink notepaper, after a gaggle of school girls had left the store.  Odd.

2. “I’ll tell you something, somebody’s getting fat off that Gumbo thing!” said the surly old man when I showed him the price of the Forrest Gump soundtrack.  Too rich for him!

3. “So how is the new N’Sync CD, is it decent?”  Why would you even ask this question of a guy wearing a Kiss shirt?

4. “I hear good things about it.”  My response.  This was a standardized response for if you hadn’t heard the album in question, or had heard it but hated it.  For example, “How’s the new Nickelback?”  The correct answer would have been, “I hear good things about it.” 

5.  Another standardized answer for questions like that:  “If you liked their last album, you’ll like this one.”

6. “Can I try these out?” said the guy holding about dozen discs, 10 minutes before closing time.  (Luckily, we had a policy of shutting down the CD players 15 minutes before close to avoid these situations.)

7. “Sorry man.  These things are on timers.  I can’t even turn it on.”  This is what you said if a simple, “No, sorry man, we’re closing,” wasn’t good enough.  And people believed it!  There was a neat trick.  The headphones were hooked up to these little amps.  But if I shut down the amp, there was a good 20-30 second delay before the music died.  So I covertly could flip a switch to kill the amp, walk across the store, and be doing something else before the customer’s music stops.  Then when they’d say, “Hey, the music stopped, I don’t know what happened,” I would respond:  “Sorry man.  Those things are on timers. We’re closing and they automatically shut down at this time.”  This was reserved for the jerks who abused the players.

8. “Sorry man, this CD is too scratched for me to take,” said I, to the customer selling the disc.  His classic response?  “Fuck!  That’s what you said when I brought it in last time!  But this time I fuckin’ buffed it in Turtle Wax!”

9. When we first opened, we had a big huge sign that said “WE PAY CSAH FOR USED CDS“.

10. The man from the sign company came in to fix the sign.  He said to me, and I swear to God I’m not making this up — he said to me, “That’s Bill.  He spells ‘cash’ wrong on every sign.”

BONUS 11! “Hey man.  You spelled ‘cash’ wrong on your sign you know.”  No kidding?  And Bill fuckin’ spelled it wrong, not me!

Part 67: Klassic Kwotes VIII!

1.  “Can I return this CD?” said the man who handed me an empty CD case.

2.  One Boxing Day, I helped a lovely family of four (dad, mom, two boys) pick out roughly $100 worth of music.  They got gift certificates for Christmas.  It took about an hour to help them, as (of course) they wanted to listen to everything first.  I collected all the discs from the players, rang in the order, and they handed me a gift certificate for a different fucking CD chain.  When I explained to them, “Sorry, no, we’re not that store.  We’re [insert name].”  A perfectly reasonable response would have been, “Oh man, sorry…sorry to have taken your time.”  But no.  No, the response this time was, “Well how the hell was I supposed to know that?”  Well, maybe by looking at the fucking sign out front before you walk in!

3. Once, we caught a little thief trying to sell us discs that he had just stolen from HMV an hour before.  Tom was on the phone with a cop at the HMV when Tom asked, “Hey, uhh, while I’m talking to you, do you have any Willie Nelson over there?” 

4.It was always kind of funny when people pronounced names wrong, in certain cases.  So when a guy asked me if I had any Bruce Cockburn, I can tell you that it rhymed with clock-burn.  Figuring that I should probably tell him how to pronounce it so he doesn’t go around all over asking for the CD that way, I politely corrected him.  His response was, “Yeah, great, thanks that’ll come in handy next time I talk to him.”

5. “How do I get in there??”  This desperate question was asked by a woman, banging on our windows, not 10 feet away from our actual entrance.

6. “Can I get each of these in a separate bag?”  A guy bought 10 empty CD cases.  He wanted each one bagged on its own so it didn’t get scratched.

7. “Can I ask you a question?  Are you a believer?”  We were also frequently handed pamphlets from Jehova’s Witnesses.

8. “Got bad news for you buddy.  Somebody ripped you off.”  The customer then opened a CD case and showed me there was no disc inside.  Apparently he didn’t notice the signs that said, “All cases are empty”, nor all the discs in storage behind me.

9. That “All cases are empty” sign was more trouble than it was worth.  Multiple times, people would say to me, “So, I have to pay $12 and I just get the case?  Where am I supposed to get the CD?”

10. “Can I use your phone for a sec?”  A common question, in the pre-cell-phone days.  But this guy used the phone for 10 minutes!  And then when the call waiting went off, instead of handing it to me, he answered it!

Part 58.5: S*** My Dad Says

By popular demand: Another quote from my dad!

While watching country music on TV: 

“Is that Shania Twain?  And her brother, Choo-Choo?”

Part 58: Klassic Kwotes VII!

1. “This is going to be worth a lot of money, one day.”  Said in regards to Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind” remake single.  Yeah.  He sold about a zillion of them, which people bought multiple copies of (one to play and one to keep sealed!) and now are in every bargain bin across the continent…usually at 99 cents.

2. Phil Lynott proclaimed that “Tonight there’s gonna be a jailbreak, somewhere in this town.”  One day while listening to this track at work, Neil retorted:  “Somewhere in this town?  Maybe they should start by checking at the jail.”

3. A wave of the hand.  “You don’t need to see my identification.”  This Jedi mind trick was cast upon me (jokingly, I assure you) by a witty young man after I asked him for ID while selling CDs.  Fortunately, I am a Headbanger.  Mind tricks do not work on me!

4. “I’m buying two CD’s.  Do I get a discount?”  Two discs?  Really? 

5. I came home from work one day with a CD sized bag in my hand.  My very frugal father said to me (in “that tone”), “What did you go and waste your money on this time?”  I said, “Dad, it’s the new album by Kiss!”  His classic response:  “Kiss?  Don’t you already have them?”

I don’t know why he’s flapping his arms

6. While we’re on my dad.  During the Pepsi Power Hour, he used to like to stroll into the living room, heads clasped to his ears in mock agony, and say, “What’s wrong with that man on the TV?  He’s screaming like he’s in pain!  Does he have appendicitis?”

7. Finally, my dad has a penchant for mispronouncing the names of things he dislikes.  For example, “Who is this Lady Googoo person I see on TV?”

8. A guy in a green suit carrying a briefcase walked up to the counter.  “I have to go to court tomorrow and I want some music to get me psyched up.  Do you have the Clockwork Orange soundtrack?”  (Same guy who, another time, asked us, “Do you like the drugs?”)

9. Some questions don’t bug you so much, unless the same person asks the same question over and over again.  One guy kept asking me, “Do you have Black Sabbath, 1991?”  I’d tell him that there is no such album.  In fact 1991 was the first year in several that Sabbath failed to release an album.  “Do you have Black Sabbath, 1991?”  No!  Nobody has it, because that’s a made up name!

10. “Hello, it’s Matt’s mother, would Matt be available?”  This perfectly innocent question was asked of one of our new guys, Chris.  Chris responded, “Yeah, he’s outside having a smoke, I’ll go get him.”  Problem:  Matt’s mother did not know he smoked!

Part 45: S.F.G.

When customers order discs, as a rule of thumb, it was always a good idea to, at minimum, get the name of the person you are ordering for.  So, imagine the scenario about to unfold….

Perfectly normal looking middle aged guy, dressed in a suit and tie, walks in and wants some Stevie Ray Vaughan.  I say, OK, I can get you such-and-such an album for ‘x’ amount of dollars and I can get it here before the weekend.  Are you interested?  Can I get your name?

“Yeah, can you hold it for S.F.G?”

S.F.G.?  That’s who you want us to ask for on the phone?

“Yeah.  Short Fat Guy.   S.F.G.  See ya.”

I swear to God because you can’t make this shit up, he always gave that as his name.  I had to call him once.  “Hi, is this S.F.G.?” 

I’ll tell you something, it was a game we all played with each other, when we had to call customers for their orders.  But nobody ever wanted to call the ones with the weird names.  S.F.G.  Koolio.  Yeah, one guy was in the system as “Koolio”. 

So we’d always leave the weird named ones for whoever was working next.  If I was working in the day, I would put a note on it saying, “Call during evening.”  If I was working the night, I would write a note saying, “Number busy, try during day.” 

Check out the cool video below for some SFG…err…I mean SRV!

Part 42.5: Random Klassic Quote

The two most common requests here at LeBrain’s blog are the following:

1. We love the classic quotes!

2. You ramble on too much!

So, for your long weekend pleasure, a single Klassic Quote for you.

Remember way back in Klassic Kwotes II I mentioned a girl who shit her pants in the store?  Funnier still was the reaction from one of my regular customers that day.  Peter the Rocker.  Ahh, Peter, what ever happened to you?  Peter the Rocker was from Austria.  When the girl shit her pants in the store, the first thing heard in the store, very loudly, was from Peter the Rocker.  Picture this in thick Austrian accent.

“Hey man!  I think somebody shit their fucking pants in your fucking store, man!”

Also funny was when Peter the Rocker once declared to us, in Austrian accent:

I am no longer Peter the Rocker!  Now I am Peter Hard Core!

Part 41: Klassic Kwotes VI!

Part 41 already?  Holy crap!  Thanks for tagging along, enjoy the classic quotes!

1.  When you opened up in the morning, you’d show up early, unlock, and disarm the alarm system.  On a regular basis, I would turn around to find someone had followed me in.  “Are you open?”  Yeah, because everyone opens up at 9:15, jackass.

2. “Are you guys open tomorrow?”  Sure, not an odd question, right?  Well, it is when it’s December the fucking 24th!  We’re a record store, not Tim Horton’s!

3. “Do you have any Walter Ostenek?”  Said to me by…Walter Ostenek.

4. “Hey, I know you!  You’re the one that won those Juno awards!”  Said by me, to Walter Ostenek.  His deadpan response?  “They were Grammies”.

5. “I can’t wear shoes, I have a foot disease.”  EEWWW?  Said to me by a DJ who ignoreded our annual summertime “No Shirt, No Shoes, No CDs!” sign.

6. “Because highschool is free, and Jerry Springer does not work here, please wear a shirt in the store.”  A sign that Trevor made!

7. “Who would win in a fight?  Darth Vader, or Anakin Skywalker?”  A very difficult question, posed by one of my regular customer’s kids.  The kid quizzed me on Star Wars every time he was in the store.  It was awesome.

8. “Where do you keep the GOOD music?”  Another puzzling question, but this time by someone who was old enough to know better.

9. ” My name’s Winston.”  Said to me by a guy who’s driver’s licence clearly said “Eggbert”.

DISCLAIMER – Do not read on, if you are weak of stomach.

10. “Sometimes, I shit in the shower.  It’s easy.  You just shit in your hand, drop the poo in the toilet bowl, and since you’re in the shower already you just wash your hands.”  –– Joe Big Nose.  True story.

Part 29: Klassic Kwotes V!

1.  “LARS!  Stop that!”  Said by a long-haired dad, to his rat-tailed little brat kid. The dad was wearing a Metallica shirt.

2. “Can you fix this CD?”  We were presented a copy of disc 4 of the Led Zeppelin box set, almost snapped completely in half, so massive was the crack.  For the record, if anyone’s curious:  NO!  You can’t fix a CD with a crack in it! 

3. “Do you want to see a picture of me, dressed up as Snake Eyes, from G.I. Joe?”  I really wish I could remember the context of this one!

4. “Do you have any nice music for the kids?  Not that Backstreet Boys shit.  We don’t like that black music.”  Do I really need to comment?

5. I was buying a large quantity of discs from a lady, but she really wasn’t happy with the offer.  The CD that I was paying the highest for happened to be an Elton John disc, Yellow Brick Road.  One of the lady’s kids asked, “Mommy, why is he paying the most for that one?”  The mother points at me and says, “Probably because he’s a fruit.”

6. Little known fact:  4 out of every 5 parents shopping in CD stores don’t watch their kids.  Surprised?  I bet you’re not!  This one bad parent wasn’t watching as his kid systematically pulled every CD down from an entire section and threw them in a big pile on the floor.  I was at the register and the section was not visible to me, and with the kid being so small I didn’t see anybody over there.  When I saw him, I said, “Oh, no!”  The dad looked over and said, “No big deal, it’s only a couple of discs.  You’ll have them back up there in no time.”  Perhaps, but doing it in alphabetical order took 4 hours.

7. “Can I light up in here?”  Again, no comment required.

8. “What the fuck did you do to your head?” Said to me by a guy after I bleached my hair blonde the first time.  (Can’t actually blame him on this one.  It was memorable.)

9. “How much would it cost to buy every CD in here?”  This very odd question was asked numerous times over the years by curious children.  Why?  I’m not really sure.

10. “Do you want to buy a picture of me with Phil Donahue?”  Said to me, once again, by Snake the Tattoo Man.

HELIX VIDEO featuring SNAKE THE TATTOO MAN!

Part 23: Klassic Kwotes IV!

OK folks, step right up for Klassic Kwotes IV.  As usual, all tales are true.  Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.  As for me, I’m just your storyteller…if I didn’t tell these stories they would have been lost to the winds of history….

Whew.  OK, read on, then.

 

1. Way, way back prior to the turn of the century, Garth Brooks attempted to adopt an alter-ego named Chris Gaines, in order to get into the rock and pop market. 

The concept was ludicrous.  Inside the CD case were photos of Garth, dressed as “Gaines”, in a black goth wig, soul patch…and black & white leotards.  Black and white leotards.  Yes, I did say that. There was an extensive bio, a “Greatest Hits” album, and even a documentary with contemporary pop stars praising Chris Gaines as an influence.  The public was utterly confused.

So, for a good six months following that, one of the dumbest things I heard said was, “That Chris Gaines guy is real.  I know because I saw it on TV.”

 

2. We had a waiting list for various popular titles.  One of the most surprising answers to the question, “Could I get your phone number please?” was “I don’t know my phone number.”  OK, sure.  How do you want us to let you know it’s in?  “I’ll come in every day until it does.”  And then you’d never see them again.  This is more than one person ,by the way! 

3. “Pink Floyd.  Where do you keep him?“

 

4. “Do you have a band called Who?  Not THE Who, not THE GUESS Who, just called Who.”  No, nobody has that CD, because it doesn’t exist, because there’s no such band!

5. I have heard numerous “miracle cures” for scratched, dirty and skipping discs.  DO NOT ATTEMPT ANY OF THESE AT HOME!  These “cures” included cleaning your CDs with:

  • toothpaste
  • peanut butter (??)
  • your dishwasher
  • vaseline
  • handsoap
  • shampoo

Incidentally, if you don’t feel comfortably cleaning your glasses with something, it’s best not to try it on a CD.

6. “Scott Stapp isn’t ripping off Eddie Vedder’s style of singing.  Scott Stapp is singing that style correctly.  Vedder is trying to be more like Stapp!”  Actually said by someone.

 

7. “Do you have  Monster Balls?” I wasonce asked.  Luckily, I knew that the man was looking for the Halle Berry movier, Monster’s Ball!  (Answer I wish I had given:  “Why, yes I do.  Thanks for noticing.”)

8. “Can you watch my kid for about 10 minutes while I go to Canadian Tire?”  Again — actually said by someone! 

 

9.  A man once came in looking for Backstreet Boys, or something similar, for his kids.  We were sold out of Backstreet Boys, so I helpfully suggested New Kids On The Block?  His answer?  “No, we don’t like thats shit.  They suck.”  …and Backstreet Boys don’t?

10. “Do you have that new album by Tommy Lee Jones?”  He meant Tommy Lee.

Bonus 11.   Damn, I wish I was this person!   “Do you have any Rush?  Geddy Lee just moved in next door to us, and we’d like to know what his music is like.”  Damn!  Will you adopt me?  Geddy fucking Lee!  (And yes, I’m pretty sure his middle name is not actually “fucking”.)

Part 18: Klassic Kwotes III

Without further adieu.

1. This one is painful.  We had a wreath on our store door, with the lights and all that.  There was a note taped to the door next to the wreath.  It was instructions for us.  It said:  “Please unplug the reith every night!”  R-E-I-T-H.

2. “Because I’m the Tattoo Man!  I get a discount at Sears, you know.”  Said to us by Snake the Tattoo Man, on why he deserved a discount.

3. “Kurt!  Stop that!”  Yelled by a young mother at her misbehaving son, while selling her ENTIRE Nirvana collection.

4. Q: “What happens when you put a CD in the microwave?”  A: You buy a new microwave.

5. “I was just trying to see how fast I could run…with a shovel…”  Said to me by a kid who walked in the store, stole our snow shovel, and walked out again.  (I got in shit, by the way, for chasing him down and getting the shovel back.)

6. “What you’re hearing right now is a roll.  You’ve heard of rock, right?  You’ve heard of rock and roll, right?  Well, this song is roll.  Can you hear it?  Can you hear that?  This is roll.  Not rock, and not rock and roll.  This is the first roll performed since 1966.”  Said to us by some dude while we were playing the current album by The Verve, Urban Hymns.  I still have no fucking idea what he was on about.  (If you know, please, comment below.)

7. “Do you have ze Queens?”  Said to me by a guy with a thick German accent, asking for Queen.

8. This one’s not a quote, per-se.  But this guy came in once wearing a T-shirt that said, “Does this cock in my mouth make me look gay?”  He was in the store with his mother!

9. “Can I work here for like, four hours, and you just pay me cash when I’m done?”  Said to me by a really really scary looking weirdo dude type guy.

10. “Can you please do me a favour.  I’d like you to call or write to Sony, and let them know that this DVD is not recorded in DTS.  It says it is on the box, but when I put it in the player, the DTS light doesn’t come on.  Can you please inform Sony about this?”  Sure.  Want me to pick up your laundry too?

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