RECORD STORE TALES Mk II: Getting More Tale
#392: Tyler and LeBrain episode 5 – The Final Chapter
It is time to admit defeat!
Check out the whole series:
#334: Tyler and LeBrain episode 1 – Nickelback
#339: Tyler and LeBrain episode 2 – Monster Truck & More
#343: Tyler and LeBrain episode 3 – The French Invasion
#345: Tyler and LeBrain episode 4 – Return of the Monster Truck
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#391.5: Mail from Cataraqui
I got mail!
The only thing sweeter than the arrival of an Amazon order, or that of imported Transformers toys from China, is surprise mail from a fellow music lover. This time that music lover is Geoff over at the 1001 Albums in 10 Years blog. Geoff sent me a cryptic email a few weeks ago about some things he found that I might be interested in having for my collection:
“Mike,
I picked up a couple practically-free musical treasures at our local Value Village this week.
I’m not sure if they’ll actually play, but when I saw them I thought they’d be neat assets in the LeBrain collection!”
What a guy! I love surprises!
There are a few major audio formats that have no representation in my music collection. If I can’t play it, as a collector I generally don’t seek it out. As a music geek however, I love odd formats and releases. There are certain bands that I would collect just about anything from, and the big one is Kiss. Geoff knew this. Now I can add 8-track to the formats I own of Kiss Alive! This is definitely getting a place of honour in LeBrain’s displays of treasure. Probably right next to that weird Def Leppard Pyromania cassette that Aaron found for me at Sonic Boom.
Also in the package, and presumed worthless by Geoff, are two 45’s. According to Geoff’s accompanying letter, the records “you would be able to play, but are too damaged to do so!”
Fooey. My USB turntable only cost $50. Let’s give it a shot.
Both singles are records I didn’t have before. Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It” / “You Can’t Stop Rock ‘N’ Roll” has a different B-side from the 12″ single that I do have. The 7″ has the studio version of “You Can’t Stop Rock ‘N’ Roll” instead of the live. And it played fine! It was dusty but cleaned up fine. Score!
The Kiss single, for “I Was Made For Lovin’ You” / “Hard Times”, was not as fortunate. It is massively warped. I measured the warp at 1/4 inch at its largest point. But get this…it played! It didn’t sound the greatest, but it played!
In his letter, Geoff says “Thought they still work as collectibles or conversation starting coasters.” Well, Twisted Sister and Kiss Alive! are officially entering the LeBrain Library. As for “I Was Made For Lovin’ You”? Though it plays, I don’t think I will play it again. I think this might make an excellent wall decoration, however!
Thanks Geoff! I’ll find something funky and cool to send in return.
A sequel to Part 230: Nicknames.
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#391: Nicknames II
Every workplace has its nicknames. At my current job one of my nicknames is “Ernie” (as in Bert & Ernie, another guy is Bert). Another one is “Hermey” due to a perceived resemblance to one of Santa’s elves in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. My most well known nickname is of course LeBrain, which originated on the radio. I solved one of Craig Fee’s 4 O’clock 4-Play on Dave FM in record time. Craig said, “Check out the brain on Mike Ladano! Mike ‘LeBrain’!” The name stuck.
Here is a second selection of favourite nicknames from the Record Store days and beyond!
*Saving this for its own installment.
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#390: The Open Door Piss Strikes Back
I will never forget the night we invited a bunch of friends over to play Rock Band. It is unlikely that any of our guests will have difficulty remembering either. For the night of the Rock Band party was also the night of the return of the Open Door Piss.
It was a mixed crowd, a bunch of people who hadn’t met before. It was one of the first parties we hosted as a married couple. Jen invited a couple of her co-workers from RIM, I invited one of mine and his wife, and of course I had to ask the incredible Uncle Meat to attend. Meat is quite a singer, you see, and my Rock Band crowd was short on singers. I was the only other attendee who liked to sing. My songs were “Painkiller” by Judas Priest, “Paranoid” by Sabbath, and generally any rockers I was comfortable with.
Uncle Meat’s speciality was the lead vocal on Rush songs: “Closer to the Heart, and “The Trees”. That was fun for my buddy Chris, a fellow fan of Trailer Park Boys. When Meat took on “The Trees”, I excitedly told Chris, “This is the song Ricky’s always complaining about…how trees talk to each other and how different parts of your brain work!”
We got a couple of beers into him, and Uncle Meat nailed “The Trees” note for note. He did an excellent job, while one of Jen’s co-workers did a pretty good Neil Peart on the drums. High-fives all around.
After putting 100% into his vocal performance, Meat excused himself. “I have to piss,” he said. “Where’s the washroom?”
Down the hall Meat went, just at one of those moments that happen in every party, when things quiet down. Tired from rocking track after track, we all sat quietly talking in the living room, just when we heard the sound.
It was the old, familiar trickle of an open door piss. Familiar to me maybe, but not someone like the wife of my co-worker!
“Is that…is he…” she muttered, and everyone stared in the stunned silence of simultaneous realization.
“He’s peeing with the door open?” someone asked, and I nodded to confirm!
Meat re-emerged to the now-silent living room.
“Hey Meat! Did you have a good piss?” I asked.
“Huh?” he responded, wondering why I’d ask that question.
“We could hear everything!” I laughed, cracking up. “You forgot to close the door, we heard every drop.”
“Oh!” said Meat sheepishly. “Yeah.”
Laughter broke the tension, but I will never let Uncle Meat forget!
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#389: LeBrain Trivia Facts!
Time to get to know your host here a little better. Here are 10 facts I bet you didn’t know about LeBrain.
1. I don’t wear a watch. I was sick of them always breaking, plus I don’t find them comfortable. When I worked at the Record Store, I would take off my watch at the beginning of every shift and put it on again afterwards.
2. When I was really really young, I didn’t know the difference between a guitar and a bass, until somebody told me a bass only has four strings and therefore four tuning pegs. Until that time, I had assumed Michael Anthony was actually Eddie Van Halen, because he looked cooler to me!
3. My very earliest exposure to rock music was through a couple TV shows – The Flintstones, and the Hilarious House of Frightenstein! Frightenstein featured a character called “The Wolfman”, based on Wolfman Jack…but a wolfman! He would spin Rolling Stones and Kinks singles.
4. My first musical idol was John Williams. I loved his movie soundtracks and played them until they skipped. Star Wars and Indiana Jones were awesome, but his best was the 2 LP set of The Empire Strikes Back, which was loaded with photos.
5. After John Williams came Johnny Cash, my very first concert at age 12.
6. I have been given a speeding ticket a total of three times over 24 years of clean driving.
7. I come from a musical family, but I can’t really play anything.
8. I make stop motion Transformers movies using my toy collection. I have never released any of them, even though I think I did better in one weekend with $0 than Michael Bay did in a year with a $Zillion dollars.
9. Much like everyone who grew up in the 1980’s, I owned Thriller by Michael Jackson and Born in the USA by Bruce Springsteen, on cassette.
10. My last name has been misspelled for about the last 100 years. Can you guess how it was originally spelled?
The two videos I chose for this post have a specific common element. Can you name it?
LeBrain, “Standing Alone” in front of Planet Helix, London Ontario
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#387: Standing Alone
When I first started at the Record Store, we worked alone. Everybody worked alone. The owner worked all the days alone, and then T-Rev and I alternated nights and weekends alone. I actually enjoyed working by myself. Nights were slow enough that one person could handle it, plus still get all the stocking and cleaning done. It wasn’t until later on that we brought in a second person on Saturdays. Until then, you could still close the store for 5 minutes to go to the washroom. You could eat your lunch in the store because you didn’t have much choice.
The way to make an 8 hour Saturday shift go faster is to play music you love! Back then we were allowed to bring in the odd CD or tape from home to play in store. My sister made me a cool store play mix tape, with a lot of top hits by artists like Sting, Barenaked Ladies, and Bryan Adams. I had the idea that we could even make tapes monthly, in the store, to showcase hits without having to constantly swap discs in and out. We only had a single disc player. We never did do the monthly tapes but it was a neat idea.
On your typical Saturday I would leave the house around 9:00 or 9:15 am and walk to the store with a bag full of snacks, drinks and music. There were usually lots of “new” used arrivals to price and display. There were sometimes customers to call and let know that their special orders had arrived. There was always something to clean, a project to do, and filing to take care of. When you were tired there were Spin and Rolling Stone magazines to flip through.
I would get busy and overwhelmed after lunch hour, but that would pass and I could take a moment to breathe again. The busy times weren’t the problem though, it was the 8-9 hours of standing. I told T-Rev before he worked his first Saturday alone that it was hard on the legs. He discovered what I meant! We didn’t have a chair. Well, that’s not entirely true. We had one, we were just not allowed to use it. It was used as a step-stool only. The first time you stand for a whole Saturday is hard but then you get used to it.
Feet get swollen and legs get tired. My method for dealing with it was ample stretching, and changing my shoes halfway through the shift. I don’t know why, but putting on a fresh pair of shoes helped with the discomfort. It provided a fresh bolt of energy. Much, much, much later on, when I was nearing the miserable end of my dark final days at the record store, I artificially maintained energy levels with caffeine drinks and sugary snacks. I was no longer working alone, but the fun was also gone.
Today I sit in a chair and get fat all day. It’s a trade-off for sure!
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#386: ‘The Mighty Priest’ – A Mix CD
In January of 2009, I determined to make another mix CD for my best friend Peter. He really enjoyed them and wanted some more tunes from the LeBrain Library. The theme this time was Judas Priest. We had both been playing the video game Rock Band a lot, and I enjoyed singing lead on the song “Painkiller”, so we played that one frequently. Peter decided that he wanted to check out some Priest, so I worked very hard to make a CD suited to his own personal needs. I set out five constraints to my Mighty Priest mix:
1. Peter only knew three Priest songs: “Painkiller”, “Breaking The Law”, and “You’ve Got Another Thing Comin'”.
2. Peter generally hates slow songs. Therefore, unfortunately, I could not include classics like “Dreamer Deceiver”.
3. I always try to include a variety of tracks from as many albums as I can.
4. Must be limited to a single CD.
5. One rare track – my trademark is always sneaking in a rarity.
So I whittled down the 50 songs I started with to the nice and cozy 79 minutes you see below. Keeping in mind my self-imposed constraints, what would you have done differently?
I sought feedback, and I received feedback. My ever faithful rock compatriots had these words:
Uncle Meat: Well…Michael…valiant effort. It is a good mix of new and old Priest. But…no “Electric Eye”? What is wrong with you? I cant even believe you would make this list without including it. That “Turbo Lover” is on here…and not “Electric Eye”…kinda makes me feel dirty…unloved. And?!?!?! No “Freewheel Burning”? . I’m getting mighty confused Mr. Ladano. No “Sinner”? “Heading out to the Highway”? I know their catalogue is extensive…but the omission of “Electric Eye” especially is very disturbing….
Dr. Dave: “Rock Hard Ride Free”!!!
Sarge: No “Metal Gods”? Actually I only ever owned British Steel, so I cant comment on anything. “Metal Gods” was always my favourite on that album.
Andy: I’m going to have to register an alternate opinion entirely, and that is, with any band that’s been around as long as Priest has, and has done as many albums as they have, simply cannot be captured in a “best of” that is only one CD. You just can’t do it – there’s too much good stuff, even disqualifying the “slow” songs like you did. I tried it with Manowar, and ended up with a full CD after their first four albums. I’ll be doing my personal The Best of Manowar, Volume II sometime soon….
So what I would have done differently is this: Go in chronological order, and put in all of the absolute “must have” songs from each album (remembering the rules for your friend, of course). Don’t overlap songs from one album on more than one CD, so you might have to juggle the playlist a little. Then, when CD #1 is full, move on to Volume 2. Eventually, hand over your two (or in the case of Priest, maybe 3!) CDs to your friend, apologizing that you simply couldn’t fit it all onto 1.
Johnny Sixx: What I would have done is include their track “Love Bites”…it’s a gem.
All of them made excellent points, and I think it must be concluded that a truly great single disc Judas Priest collection cannot be made. As Uncle Meat said, I think I made a valiant effort, but 80 minutes is simply not enough time for the Mighty Priest. The next time I attempted to do something like this, I went with Andy’s advice in the back of my head…
…And ended up with a 5 CD set! But that’s another story.
PROCEED WITH CAUTION
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#385: The Epic of the Garlic Sausage Apocalypse
I have been sitting on this story for five years. Now, the true tale can finally be told.
Some folks don’t like their mother-in-law. I do! I am very lucky to have a great, generous and fun mother-in-law. She’s also very proper and old fashioned, Mrs. LeBrain’s Mom, so sometimes she will be easily shocked. For example, she refuses to say the word “fart”, considering is as vulgar as another f-word. Instead she prefers the word “puup”. A word she used frequently during the night of the Garlic Sausage Apocalypse.
She had come to spend the weekend, visiting us in our little apartment. It might be small but it’s usually big enough for the three of us. Not on the weekend of the Garlic Sausage Apocalypse.
Jen and her mom went to the Kitchener farmer’s market that morning and picked up some goodies. The apple fritters there are excellent, especially when still warm, so they picked up two boxes of those. Fresh veggies, fresh meat, all natural unpasteurized local apple cider, and four huge links of smoked garlic sausage (about two pounds of meat, garlic and spices). It was, as they say, the proverbial successful trip. Much of the time they are sold out of that garlic sausage. I immediately tucked into a full link and called it lunch. I ate close to half a box of apple fritters and called that dessert.
By the end of the day, I had almost finished two links of delicious smoked kilbassa by myself. Jen and her mom were watching something on TV, but I was feeling a bit gassy to say the least. Given the contents of my stomach, fermenting and being transformed by bacteria into a lovely melange of methane, you could smell me every time I had to let one go. The farts were frequent and supercharged. Whatever pills we had in the house were not helping. And like I said earlier, it’s a small apartment.
The explosions were occurring approximately every five minutes. To me, all I could smell was the fondly remembered scent of garlic, pork and methane. All Jen and her mom could smell was rotting death-like fumes of evil. And they were all coming from my ass! Jen threatened to get on a bus and “buy a cork”. Of the two of them, Jen was definitely the most offended. “This is the last time we are bringing you garlic sausage I swear to God!” There was nothing I could do to stop it. Leaving the room to evacuate my colon of gas didn’t help; the mere act of getting up and moving was enough to squeeze one out. Faced with a lack of options (and starting to feel a little queezy myself) I called it an early night and went to bed.
The next part of this story has been assembled from testimony by Jen and her mother.
Mrs. LeBrain and her mom watched television peacefully after I retired for the evening. I was asleep quickly, but the body continues to digest your food and expel gas even after you fall asleep. Whether your spouses believe you or not, people do fart in their sleep, and my ass quickly turned the bedroom into a chemistry lab gone awry.
A short while later, in the living room, Mrs. LeBrain’s Mom smelled something. Sniffing the air for a clue, she was repelled by the odour.
“Jennifer! Did you just puup?”
“No mom,” replied Jen, but picking up the scent as well. “I thought it was you but I didn’t want to say anything!”
“Then what is that gawd-forsaken smell??” queried her mom.
Jen knew but did not want to face the truth. “Oh God! It’s Mike!”
“Isn’t the bedroom door closed?” asked her mom.
“YES! Oh God. I have to sleep in there!”
Jen and her mom discussed the situation but agreed that there was only one couch large enough to comfortably sleep on. Her mom is very wise, and knew how to deal with the situation. “Just put some perfume on your arm,” she advised. “When you go to bed, just sleep with your arm near your nose, and that will help.” Good advice, but it was not enough to protect her from the stench.
When it was bed time for Jen, she took a deep breath, held it and entered the Den of Death.
I guess the old perfume on the arm trick worked in the long run, because she did fall asleep. Meanwhile, I was oblivious to all of this, happily dreaming of guitars and lightsabers. When I woke up on Sunday morning, I had no idea that anything was amiss.
It only took me one second to realize something was very wrong. The bedroom was filled with a heavy, pungent cloud. It had penetrated every cubic inch of the room; it was inescapable. It was also immediately identifiable as the scent of garlic, sausage, and my intestines. And it was still being produced, I discovered, as I tooted once more upon leaving the bed.
I went about my morning business and settled into the computer room to check my email. I was only appalled further when I ascertained that the entire house smelled of garlic sausage sphincters. It wasn’t as intense as the bedroom, but it was detectable in the air.
It may have been winter, but I cracked the window in the computer room and began the fumigation process.
What of Jen and her mom? They did survive, although neither of them really know how they did it. The inner strength of those two women must have carried them through the night. In the morning, they implemented a two-year ban on buying garlic sausage. I can’t say that I disagreed with their ruling, in light of all the horrible evidence surrounding us!
Kenny Vs. Spenny episode season 4 ep. 2 – “Who Can Blow the Biggest Fart?” – a must see companion piece to my true and horrifying story.
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#384.5: Little Ani
I was so happy when we got little Ani* in 2001. “She’s the best dog ever!” I said, and she really was. My parents have been taking good care of her since I left the family nest. My mom and dad really love that dog.
They had to put her down today. It’s one of those times when the family all saw it the same way, that sometimes these days come. Ani lived a happy little doggie life, constantly tormenting my dad by not being able to decide if she wanted in or out. I got to see her last weekend at Easter and you could tell she was not feeling well, but it was nice to see her one more time.
Ani is chasing birds in doggie heaven now, and I miss my puppy.
I believe in celebrating life with laughter, so here’s my laughter for today. Thanks, Kids in the Hall.
*named for Anakin Skywalker
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#384: The Messenger
I hate computer instant messenger services! Actual conversation from the Record Store circa 2004-ish:
Boss – “Mike, I’ve heard that you are using MSN Messenger at work against store policy.”
Me – “What? No, that’s wrong. I don’t even use MSN Messenger.”
Boss – “Are you calling the person who told me a liar?”
Me – “I guess so. Who told you?”
Boss – “I’m not telling you that. This your verbal warning. If I hear about this again you’re getting a written warning.”
Me – “But that’s not fair, they’re wrong. It wasn’t me! I don’t even like MSN!”
Boss – “I don’t believe you. I think you are lying to me. The other person has no reason to lie.”
So that one unfairly went on my record, and I maintain to this day that I HATED MSN MESSENGER! If you’ve used it, you know what I’m talking about. I had signed up for an account, but I found it to have no benefits and provided nothing but distraction. Below, you will find an example of what it’s like to try and write (or do anything) with MSN Messenger on.
“It was a dark, stormy night on the coastline of the small uninhabited…” [MSN BEEP!] “…island. The man wore a thin coat that did not protect him…” [BEEP!] [BEEP!] “…from the rain. He dragged through the mud a large [BEEP!] canvas duffle bag that [BEEP!] was already soaked completely [BEEP!] through to its contents. The man shuffled onwards, awkwardly [BEEP!] pulling the load behind [BEEP!] him. He grimaced as he readjusted his [BEEP!] GODDAMN THIS MSN I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PUNCH THE MONITOR IF IT BEEPS ONE MORE DAMN TIME!”
I don’t remember who talked me into signing up for MSN in the first place, but it was probably some girl that I was interested in at the time. Once set up, my computer signed me in automatically at every boot, because I never figured out how to disable it afterwards. Indeed, our store tech guy couldn’t even disable it on our work computers. He could hide it and prevent it from starting at setup, but he couldn’t completely delete it from Windows. Thanks, Microsoft. The only employee that I knew for certain used it at work was Spoogecakes, who left herself logged in one day after her shift!
I did use email at work (just like the same bosses did) against store policy. But MSN? Hell no! The reason I know that is that I hate MSN Messenger to this day, just like I hate chickpeas or lentils! I had one, just like all the cool kids, but the sound of that “MSN beep” is still enough to make me jump out of my chair.
I couldn’t make it all the way through this video.
mikeladano.com