#1055: Alone Again

RECORD STORE TALES #1055: Alone Again

I think I’ve felt alone most of my life.  Alone inside my head.  Sometimes creating worlds of imagination, sometimes overthinking the world around me.  I guess not much has changed in that regard.

Eventually you come to crave that alone feeling, even when you would be better off out with friends.  Just because that alone feeling is what is safe and comfortable to you.  It’s a situation you can control.

I suppose this lonely feeling began in grade school, where I did not fit in and had few kids that I would consider truly friends.  We were not “friends” because we liked one another, we were “friends” because we were in the same grade at school.  It was a case of proximity and temporal coincidence and nothing more.  Those kids — Kevin Kirby, Ian Johnson, Kenny Lawrence — they were not my friends.  We might have spent time together, but by the end of the 8th grade they had sided with the bullies and expelled from my life.

My friends from my neighbourhood were the real deal.  But we weren’t in school together.  We were separated most of the time.  And so for just about all of grade school, I felt alone.  Hearing conversations I was not a part of, wishing I was in on others’ jokes, or longing to be picked first for something.  Anything.  It was not meant to be for me.

As I got older and friends moved on with work, school, and families, I spent a lot of time in my room listening to music.  Though it is not something I do anymore, and kind of wish I did, I used to lay on the bed, playing an album for the first time, and reading the lyrics along line by line.  Studying them, trying to penetrate the meaning.  Squinting the eyes to read the tiny print on the inside of a cassette J-card.

Though I’m not alone today, and have not been for 17 years, it’s startling sometimes how easily I can slip back into that mindset.  It can happen in the car or on the couch.  I retreat into my head, and those feelings of isolation creep back like the tide.  I remember loving and hating the Rush song “Subdivisions”.  A great song, with a phat synth riff that echoes in the head for days.  But the lyrics hit a little too close to him.  “Be cool or be cast out.”  Was that my fate, to be cast out every time I tried?  Only when it stopped mattering if people were cool or not did I finally feel like I was no longer alone.

Sometimes retreating into those lonely spaces one more time can result in helpful introspection.  Other times, it just brings me down.  The constant has always been the music.  Music has always been there.  If it’s not in my ears, it’s always in my head.  I can hear songs in my mind when I need them.  The songs of my life’s soundtrack will always be there to accompany my smiles and tears.

REVIEW: Night Ranger – Big Life (1987)

NIGHT RANGER – Big Life (1987 MCA)

This CD was a gift from Tim Durling, and this review is simply a conversation with Tim Durling!

Tim:  Big Life might sound dated to you, it is very 1987 and possibly one of their mellowest albums. Of course I have a soft spot for it, but then I like the band.

Me:  That’s the one I’m popping in now actually.

Tim:  Your Big Life is a fancy 2009 remaster that I’d never seen before. The original was my very first CD back in 1990.

Me:  Oh jeez, it’s the album with “Secret Of My Success!”  Now I have two copies of that song…The booklet is nice, full lyrics.

Tim:  You can file that under guilty pleasure for me, I know it’s cheesy but “worlds collide, and hearts will be broken” damn it’s so catchy.

Me:  Wow, Blades’ name is on every single songwriting credit.

Tim:  Fun fact: there are two different covers, and I didn’t know that till I had Josh from Fans in Motion on my show.  Same band shot, but some copies have less stuff in the background. I love learning stuff like that.

Me:  Interesting. So somebody said “We need to add a spotlight and a wall” to some versions.

Me:  Wow this opening track is very…Umm…Faux-macho.  Sorry, not liking “Big Life” the track.  It’s like when Warrant tried to act tough on “We Will Rock You”.

Tim:  Doesn’t bode well, but I did say it will sound dated to you.  If you’re looking for a more typical catchy Night Ranger tune, I’d recommend “Carry On”, maybe my favourite on this album.

Me:  I’m gonna give it a fair shake.  This guitar solo is great. Gillis?

Tim:  Not always sure who does which solos, all I know is that if you hear crazy whammy bar, that’s Brad.

Me:  “Color of Your Smile” is better.  I like this one.  Very youthful lyric.

Tim:  Wow, I figured you’d hate it.

Me:  No,  there’s something here that reminds me of youthful summers.  Fuck, this is good. Didn’t see this dual solo coming.  OK, so we have a winner here on track 2, good tune.  If I had this as a kid, it would have been the song I played for girls to get them to like me.

Me:  “Love Is Standing Near” – starting well.

Tim:  That’s encouraging.

Me:  It’s the guitar that sets this band apart for me. Puts them a level up.

Tim:  Definitely one of their calling cards.

Me:  Now I’m on the David Foster produced song (“Secret Of My Success”) that we already know my opinion of.  I really hate it.

Tim:  I will accept that, frowning.  But I get it if you didn’t grow up with it.

Me:  It’s like they’re using the ZZ Top Afterburner book of samples

Tim:  With you there, way overboard on the bells and whistles.

Me:  “Carry On” is a little corny, but might grow on me.  Actually…love it…Very Bon Jovi to my ears, but better vocally.

Tim:  Probably why I like it, never made that connection.

Me:  “Better Let It Go” – I like the acoustic, don’t like the drum loops.

Tim:  “Better Let it Go” is a great faux-ballad, sabotaged by Fitz’s unfortunate decision to use the “French horn” patch similar to Don Henley’s “Sunset Grill”.

Me:  It was a thing. I never liked that kind of thing, but it was a thing.

Tim:  Get ready for the French horn patch.

Me:  Oh it’s like House of Lords French horn.  “Under Blue Skies”.   Yup, I hear it.

Tim:  Down at the sunset grill.

Me:  Marillion have some like this too.

Tim:  I have to say I was most apprehensive about your thoughts on this album, so not bad.

Me:  Well, I mean context is important, 1987 was peak synth.

Tim:  Yes.

Me:  Things got toned down in ’88, ’89, ’90 and then of course ’91 killed synth!  …This guitar solo is great.  Why are Gillis and Watson named more frequently on lists individually, rather than as a duo?  Just strikes me, these guys are absolutely up there with the great duos.

Me:  “I Know Tonight” is a little overwrought.

Tim:  Man, I can’t predict shit.

Me:  OK, now it’s kicking in.

Tim:  I thought you’d dig it.

Me:  Now it’s like “Turn On the Night” by Kiss.

Tim:  It is! Good comparison.

Me:  Yeah see this would have been kicking it in my stereo in 1987-88, IF ONLY MUCHMUSIC PLAYED THESE GUYS ON THE POWER HOUR. I never heard this music

Me:  Please tell me they’re not ending this album on a ballad.

Tim:  They’re ending this album on a ballad.

Me:  Ah damn.

3.5/5 stars

Happy Easter Gallery! KISS’ Off The Soundboard: Poughkeepsie 11/28/1984 has arrived!

Jen beat Covid just in time to enjoy a happy Easter with the family.

I rocked my brand new Grab A Stack of Rock “Faces” hoodie, and unboxed the new KISS Off The Soundboard:  Poughkeepsie 11/28/1984.  This is the only soundboard show with Mark St. John on lead guitar.  This will be an interesting listen to a period of KISStory that ended prematurely.  Also opened the deluxe Blackout by Scorpions, one of the few deluxes of theirs that I was missing.  No longer!

Finally, I opened a new Apexcam, underwater camera.  My cottage videos from last year were lacking in underwater footage.  The old camera case had finally cracked.  Now I have a new one, in time to up my cottage video game this summer!

 

 

Unfortunately the Jays beat the California Angels, ending Easter on a downer!  Hah.

On the bright side…we now have Tee Bone Man shirts!  Thanks Harrison!

 

 

Store address:  teepublic.com/user/grab-a-stack-of-rock

#1054: The Darkest Winter

RECORD STORE TALES #1054: The Darkest Winter

I think I’m going to go ahead and declare winter “over”.  In Canada that can be a rather meaningless gesture, but I’m going to do it anyway.  So let’s talk about mental health during the winter of 2022-23.

Winter started mild.  Most importantly though, I had this plan, see….

Well you know what they say about plans.

It was a simple plan, and it did work for the first part of the winter.  Because I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, winter can be the most difficult time of year for me.  Winter in Canada can be unpleasant.  Dark, wet, cold, often all three at once.  The nights are long.  The days are spent in an office.  When I arrived at work, it was still dark.  When I left for home, it was already dark.  This takes its toll.  So what was the plan, then?  The plan was to try and see winter through new eyes.  My American friend MarriedandHeels has never experienced winter.  I thought it would be fun to share images and videos of things she doesn’t see every day, like giant icicles, road salt, snowbanks and all the rest of it.  For a time, it worked.  The novelty of it was really fun.  Some of these snowbanks were mountains!  Her reactions were entertaining (especially to the idea of road salt).  However, as the months dragged it, this wore itself out on me.  Every day seemed like a repeat of the last.  The snow lingered and lingered on, accumulating and dominating the images.

Things started to go to hell.  Everyone in my family except my dad has had Covid, including my 98 year old grandmother.

Oh, my grandmother.

She took ill early this year.  We thought was was gone, twice.  I wrote her eulogy!  I came home from work early and wrote a eulogy…and she keeps hanging on.  I have grieved her twice this year already!  But she is currently doing well.

My sister has been sick, my mom has been sick, my dad is feeling the years take their toll on his body.

I’ve been sick twice, once with stomach ailments and once with Covid.  Same with Jen, but she’s had a much longer dance with Lady ‘Rona.  The isolation also takes its toll.

I would say I fell apart a couple times this winter.  Two people thought I should see a psychiatrist and get put on happy pills.  I have tried happy pills before and they do not work for me.  They wreak havoc on my stomach and I prefer to do this without prescriptions.  MarriedandHeels expressed her concern that I had fallen into a depression, and I agreed with her.

But then things started to change.  The clocks went forward, giving more daylight during the leisure hours.  The snow started to finally melt.  The birds are returning.  And soon the snow tires will be off!  And that can only mean one thing.  Cottage season!

I’m starting to feel like myself again.

This has been without a doubt the most brutal winter since the winter of cancer, 2018.  Did you know it was actually the darkest winter in Ontario in 80 years?  That means it was the darkest winter most of us have ever experienced.

Winter took its toll, did its damage, but I won.  I am still standing and it is gone.

I won.

 

 

Youtubin’: Loudness – “House of 1000 Pleasures” Live

From 1994’s live album Once And For All, it’s Loudness with the EZO cover “House of 1000 Pleasures”.  Masaki Yamada (ex-EZO) was the singer, and this live album kicked absolute ass. That riff really grooves.

Hope you enjoy.

The Adventures Of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Meets the Wolf

THE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’:  Edie Meets the Wolf

Wolfgang Van Halen was feeling down.

He should have known better, but he opened his phone that morning to a tirade of hate on social media.  Why did he do this?  Did he have to run his own social media?  No, but he felt that giving it up would be giving in to the trolls.  They were relentless, and they were hurtful.  Not that Wolf ever let them see the hurt.  Still, he hurt inside, and it was very real.

“Why don’t you try making a name for yourself, instead of living off your father’s?” asked one troll.

Wolf grumbled to himself.  “Van Halen IS my name!” he yelled at the screen.  “What, should I change my name to Wolfgang McCartney?  Wolfgang Led Zeppelin?  What idiots these people are.  Not worth my time.  Why do I bother…”

He walked across the studio floor, plugged in a guitar, and tried to jam away the blues.  He played some licks, but a dark cloud still hung over his head, a bad mood that wouldn’t go away.

Wolf’s playing was interrupted by a sonic boom overhead.  He put his guitar down and looked out the window to see the contrails of rockets in the sky.

“Oh shit!” he exclaimed.  “I forgot!  I have a recording session today.”

He heard a knock at the studio door.

Wolf tripped over a guitar cable on the way to the door, but managed to open it with rock star-like grace.  Before him stood a vision unlike any he had seen before.

The woman at the door was dressed in head-to-toe silver.  Silver rocket boots, a sleek tight-fitting short silver dress, silver lipstick, and silver nails.  Over her shoulder was a guitar case, also in silver.  Edie Van Heelin’ had arrived.  It may only be a recording session, but she was dressed for the stage anyway!

“Edie Van Heelin’, I presume?” asked Wolf with a broad smile.

“In the flesh!” gleamed Edie, her silver lips smiling just as wide as her eyes.  Even though she had just broken the sound barrier, her long brown hair was as perfectly stick-straight as if she had just finished brushing.  “How are you, Wolf?  You know, your dad was my biggest influence on guitar.  But I love your album!  It’s so different from Van Halen, so modern, so melodic, so good!  Amazing lyrics and music!”

The two hugged.  “Thanks for saying that, Edie.  I’m having a rough day.  I miss my pop.  I hate these online trolls.”

Edie’s face turned to sadness.  “Come on, Wolf.  Let’s sit, you got any tea?”

“Of course, yeah, come in please.”  Wolf went over to the kettle and started brewing some tea.  “Green with honey, right?”  Edie nodded yes, eagerly.  Wolf laughed.  “I did my research, I made sure we had something for you today.”

A few minutes later, Wolf returned with two steaming cups.  The two sat across from each other.  Wolf picked up a guitar and randomly strummed as he sat.

Edie began speaking in a soft, understanding tone.

“I lost my dad a few years ago, too,” she began.  “I understand your pain. That song you wrote for him, ‘Distance’…it gets me.  I feel it.  I know your pain.  And trolls?  You should see what I get online.  My body, my face, my clothes, my makeup…they have an opinion about everything, and they are never happy.  And it’s every day.  You know what?  There’s only one person I can make happy, and that’s me.  So I dress how I want to dress, how I feel good.  I play the music I like, and it would not matter anyway, because they always have something to complain about.”

Wolf’s eyes went wide.

“Right?  They tell me to do my own thing, so I put out my own album, and it’s nothing like Van Halen.  Then, they tell me I should reform the band with Dave and Sammy and do a tour instead!  And then, they tell me I shouldn’t be trying to milk the Van Halen name!  I can’t do anything right according to them!”

Edie had removed her guitar from its case and was strumming along with Wolf.

“You know what the solution is Wolf?  I know that you do.”

Wolf shrugged.  “Tell me.”

Edie smiled and played a melodic line on her guitar.

“You just keep doing what you do!  Your album is awesome!  I especially love the song ‘Resolve’.  The defiance you show in that song is what you need to show to those online trolls!  Just keep being you, and remember that they only wish they were you.  Maintain your resolve!”

Wolf kicked into the main riff of the song.  Edie began singing along.

“No more flowers, what we know is not the same. Drunk with power, only you control this game!” she sang with deep conviction.

Wolf smiled as the two jammed.

“Countless hours, only you can cure this pain. You freaking coward, brought on more unwanted change!”

Wolf laughed.  “The word is ‘fucking’, Edie, not ‘freaking’!”

Edie smiled.  “Edie Van Heelin’ doesn’t F-bomb, Wolf!”

Laughing, Wolf nearly fell out of his chair.  “Seriously!?  You dress like the hottest space chick I’ve ever seen in my life, with nine inches worth of heels on your boots, and you won’t swear?”

Edie smiled.  “Nope!  Much like you Wolf, I am more than what I seem, and not what I appear to be!”

“Clearly, that is true!  I’m glad to have met you, Edie Van Heelin’.”  Wolfgang put down his guitar.  “So what are we working on today?”

Edie cranked out some chords.  “Time to start my debut album, Wolfie!  And there’s only one person I want to produce it.”

“Me?” Wolf asked with both hands pointed towards himself.

“You’re the one, Wolf, you’re my number one pick,” proclaimed Edie with the confidence she embodied.

“I could never say no to a woman as beautiful as you,” gushed Wolf.  “Fortunately, you have the talent to back it up.”

This time it was Edie who blushed.  It’s not every day you get a compliment from the son of Edward Van Halen.

“Aww thanks Wolf,” she said as she nervously played with her hair.  “I’m honoured.  Wanna hear some songs?”

Wolf nodded eagerly yes, and set up the desk to record.

This was it!  The Edie Van Heelin’ album was happening, for real now.  Edie took a moment to let it sink in.  She’d worked hard to get to this point.  Regardless of naysayers, the haters, and the trolls, she had made it this far.  Nothing would stop her now.

Wolfgang Van Halen took a seat at the console, opened some software, adjusted some levels, and said the magic words.  “We’re rolling!”

Edie dug deep, ready to rock him with her new material.  She placed her perfect silver fingertips upon the fretboard, and strummed….

…Just as the lights went out.

“What just happened?” shouted Wolf in frustration as he stumbled blindly around the studio, looking for a flashlight.  “The power just went out as we started to record?  What the hell?”

Edie shook.  This was all too familiar to her.

“I have a bad feeling about this….”

Epilogue

In orbit overhead, comfortably seated in his starship, the evil clone known as Shinzon laughed.  He got out of his chair with a flourish of his long dark hair, and placed his evil hand upon his clean-shaven Australian chin.  He laughed some more, as he looked down upon the Earth.  His boss wanted this album delayed, and Shinzon had just caused a power disruption that would keep Wolfgang’s studio down for weeks.  His boss would be very, very happy this time.

He cackled.

“Revenge is a dish best served cold!  And Edie Van Heelin’…it is very cold, in space….”

 

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

 

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By Mike and @MarriedandHeels)

By Mike and @MarriedandHeels

THE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’: Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2

Continued from Part 1…

What a ridiculous pair they made!  Ahead by several paces was Edie Van Heelin’, rock star and superhero, dressed in her most fab hiking gear, striding confidently north along the shoreline.  Panting behind her, dressed in camo shorts and a sweaty T-shirt, was Fanboy Mike, trying desperately to keep up.

To his credit, on this hike at least, Mike was not wearing his Crocs.

“Hey Edie!” he panted.  “Can we take a break?  I can barely breathe!”  He gasped as he found a large rock to sit on.

Edie Van Heelin’ circled back and sat with her friend.

“Sure, let’s take five,” she said as she sipped from a water bottle.  “How much further to the next town?”

Mike grabbed his phone from his pocket and tried to get a signal.

“I’m sorry but I can’t get a connection.  It’s been 35 years since I last hiked up this far, but I’d guess we’re about half way.”

Edie marvelled at the scenery before her.

“You know, I’ve always said California is the place to be, but Canada isn’t so bad.”  She breathed deep.  “It smells different from the ocean, but it still smells like water.”

“That’s the dead fish you’re smelling Edie,” deadpanned Mike.  “But yeah, Canada isn’t so bad, except for the winter.  Are you still planning on a winter vacation next year?”

“Count on it, Fanboy!” she grinned.

“Alright, that’s enough for sitting,” Mike groaned as he stood, stretching his aching back.  He took some videos of crashing waves and soaring seagulls, and got ready to hike again.  More stretching required.

At that, the pair headed further north, through rocky terrain, a few grassy patches, and some marshy muck.  They maintained a good pace despite Mike’s physical inadequacies, and he even managed to keep up a good conversation despite being winded.

“So let me get this straight,” repeated Edie.  “Ace Fray-lay was replaced by Vincent?  Who was replaced by Saint John?  And then he was replaced by Bruce Something six months later?”

“More or less, yeah,” said Mike.  “It’s pronounced more like ‘Frehley’.  Hang out with me enough and you’ll know all of Kisstory by heart.  My point is, the original members may be iconic but there are plenty of other guys who contributed great material.”

“Gotcha.  And which one is your favourite again?” she asked with genuine curiosity.

“Paul Stanley.  The Starchild!  When I was a kid, I tried to dance like he did on stage.  He had these spandex pants with tassels down the sides, and he would do these jumping spinning moves, and I tried so hard to dance just like him.  I made an air guitar our of cardboard and a yardstick.  I painted it black.  I posed with it, pretending to be Paul in my bedroom, spinning those old albums…” Mike drifted off with nostalgia.

Edie enjoyed spending these down-to-earth moments, rambling about these inconsequential things.  It sure was a lot better than fighting bad guys all the time!  Even though she was on the second day of her Canadian vacation, the first had been spoiled by a renter named George Sooner, who sabotaged their every activity.  Ominously, it turned out that Sooner was working under orders of a man called Shinzon, a strange clone from Australia that she had dealt with once before.

She shook her head straight.  This was her vacation.  No time to dwell on these existential threats.  Let’s hike, she thought.

The ground was now a mixture of medium sized stones, grassy patches, and wet puddles.  It slowed their pace as they made their way further north along the shoreline.  A bright orange fox darted out, sniffed the air, caught sight of the pair, and dashed back into the woods before Mike could snap a photo.

“Drat!” he exclaimed.  “Hey, you know what that reminds me of?  What if I told you that the Catman, Peter Criss, was replaced by the Fox, Eric Carr?”

“I’m never going to remember all this,” laughed Edie.

“You don’t have to!  You have me!  I’m a living, breathing Kiss encyclopedia!” chuckled Mike.

He stopped to look at the sun, already starting to make its way towards the horizon.

“Jeez, it’s kind of getting late in the day.  How long have we been walking?”  He checked his phone.  “It’s 3:00 pm.  We left in the morning.  Something’s wrong; we should have hit the town by now and been well on our way back.”

“How is it possible we lost track of that much time?” asked Edie.

Mike got a chill up his spine.  There was a possible explanation he didn’t want to think about, or raise in front of Edie.  Not on her vacation.

“No big deal.  Let’s just turn around and head back.  It’ll be dark when we get back but we had a great hike regardless.”

Edie was disconcerted.  “There’s no way I’ve been hiking that many hours.  I would know, I would feel it.  Yeah…let’s head back.  I want to go back.”

Mike and Edie made a 180, and began heading south.  The wind began to pick up as they walked, and accordingly, the waves grew in size and intensity.  They crashed on the rocks, cascading sprays of water over the two hikers.  They raised their hands to keep the water off their faces.  The air began to grow cold, and both were wearing shorts.  At one point up ahead, they reached a spot they could no longer cross.

“Wow,” said Mike.  “It’s rare you see the water get this rough!  Bad weather incoming!  The water’s risen so high we can’t go back the way we came.”  Indeed, one section of tiny rocky beach was now completely flooded up to the treeline.

“Let’s go inland then,” said Edie, eager for a change of scenery and shelter from the wind.  “This wind is going to rip the lashes right off my face!  Though that would be something to see….”

The pair turned inland and made their way through a thick strand of trees, which soon gave way to a more sparsely wooded area.  The wind was kept at bay by the mighty cedars and pines of the forest.

“If memory serves, if we keep hiking inland, we’ll eventually hit the county road.  Then we can just follow that back home,” said Mike.

“Sounds good,” responded Edie.  She inhaled deeply.  “Ooh I love that smell, of the forest and the trees!”

“It’s something huh?  You can see why I try to spend as much time here as possible,” answered Mike.

Suddenly, Edie stopped dead in her tracks.

“Something’s wrong Mike.  Do you hear that?”  The two remained silent for a moment.  Then Mike spoke.

“No…I don’t hear anything at all.  Just the wind.”

“Exactly.  The birds are gone.  The animals are gone.  I can’t seem to contact any.  They’ve left.  They must know something…be scared of something.”  Edie spoke with great concern in her voice.  “Sometimes when I’m out of contact with the animals like this, it means a severe storm is coming.”

“That tracks,” agreed Mike as he looked up to the rapidly blackening sky.  “I don’t suppose you packed your rocket boots, did you?”

“I’m sorry,” said Edie, “We weren’t supposed to be doing any superhero-ing this weekend.”

“That was the deal,” agreed Mike.  “Next time let’s make a note to pack the rocket boots, just in case.”

“Come on, let’s keep heading inland,” urged Edie.  “I don’t like it when I can’t contact any animals.”

There was no clear path ahead, so the pair forged their way through gaps in the trees, breaking branches as they went.  Then the rain began!  Edie raised a hood over her head while Mike donned his trademark fisherman hat.  Neither did a particularly great job of keeping them dry, but it was better than nothing.  The wind howled through the trees as the downpour intensified.  The pair had no choice but to stop and wait it out.  They could barely hear each other.

“These storms usually blow through pretty quick!” shouted Mike over the din.

Edie was covering her eyes (and lashes), but nodded in understanding.  They huddled together trying to keep warm.  It seemed all of Lake Huron was being dumped over their heads.

Suddenly a ray of sunlight burst through the cloud, indicating the worst was over.  10 seconds later, the rain audibly began to retreat.  Edie and Mike stood straight and looked up.  A patch of blue could be seen.

“Whew!” said Edie.  “That was a wet one!”

Mike wrung the water out of his hat.  “That sucked!  My shoes are soaked.  As we say in Canada, ‘I got two soakers’.”  Edie, meanwhile, was in the midst of changing her shoes.  Of course she had a backup pair.  She was, after all, Edie Van Heelin’.

“Sorry, I don’t have a backup pair for you, though you would look cute in hot pink,” she teased.

“You bet I would,” countered Mike.  “Come on.  Let’s keep going.”  With a squish-squish sound, Mike began walking inland once more.

Or, he thought it was inland.  After an hour of walking, he decided to raise the question of the elephant in the room.

“I hate to say it…but we are thoroughly lost,” he confessed.  “And I still have no signal on my phone.”

“Me neither,” said Edie with a frustrated harrumph.  “What choice to we have though?  Keep walking.  These woods don’t go on forever.  Or do they?  In Canada they have a lot of woods,” she reasoned.

“I figure we have to hit a road or somebody’s property eventually, and then we can at least get back on track,” answered Mike.  “I’m pretty tired though.”

“Want me to carry you?” offered Edie with a wink.  She wasn’t kidding.

Mike seriously pondered the offer.

“No, let’s proceed with my dignity intact,” he replied.

The pair walked another 20 minutes until they finally hit a clearing.  In this small clearing, decorated by tall grasses and a few small trees, stood a pair of deer.  Edie and Mike stopped in their tracks, crouched low without saying a word, and watched.  A mother and a fawn.  Quietly and stealthily, Mike managed to extract his phone from his pocket and get some brief video.  Then, suddenly, both deer darted off at the sound of…a car?

“I hear the road!” exclaimed Mike.  “We’re not far!”  He stood, but too quickly, and pulled something in his leg.

“OW!!  OW OW OW!  Oh ffff…”  He tapered off as he saw Edie’s disapproval of swearing.  “Fffart,” he finished.  “Ah crap.  I gotta walk this off.  Ow, ow, ow.  This is gonna hurt.  OK. OK.  OK.  Let’s go.  Let’s walk.”

“You sure?” cautioned Edie.

“Yep, let’s go.  Here’s the thing.  I need you to keep me talking, keep my mind off the pain.  Ask me more questions about Kiss.”

Edie sighed.  “OK.  What’s the deal with the Cat guy again?”

“CatMAN,” corrected Mike.  Peter Criss.  He went solo in 1980, but in reality, he barely appeared on the two previous albums.  They used a ghost drummer.”

“He’s the drummer?” asked Edie for clarification.  “I thought he was a singer.”

“He was!  He sang on ‘Beth’ and lots of other songs too.  But he left the band in 1980 to go solo.  That’s when they brought in the Fox, Eric Carr.”

“Right!” said Edie, remembering her lessons now.  “The Fox.  I like that character.”

“Then you have good taste!” answered Mike.  “The road is just up ahead.  We’re golden.”

“I’d be the raccoon, if I were in Kiss,” pondered Edie.

“You’d look great as a raccoon!” enthused Mike.  “Keep talking, keep talking!”

Edie hiked ahead while Mike kept up the best he could, favouring his gammy leg, but no longer in pain so long as he could discuss his favourite band.

It was well past dark when the two returned to the cottage in the woods.  Mike collapsed into his favourite chair while Edie massaged the agony out.  He groaned in delight.  After catching his breath, he was able to speak a coherent sentence.

“I’m sorry, but I’m off my feet for the rest of the night,” he told Edie.  “I can’t do steaks tonight, I can’t even stand.  How about we order pizza.”

“They deliver pizza out here?” she queried.

“Boston Pizza does, and Boston Pizza is the best this town has to offer.  My treat.  Let’s get pizza.  Please.”

“Well, OK,” answered Edie.  “But you know what this means.”  She gave him a stern look.

“No.  What’s it mean?”  Mike was genuinely puzzled.

“As you recall, our first dinner was sabotaged by that Sooner jerk,” she explained.  “We have yet to have a proper outdoor steak dinner like you promised.  This means I need to stay an extra day.”

“Oh, drat,” snapped Mike in faux disappointment.  “Whatever shall I do.”

They laughed.

“Not a bad day, all in all?” asked Mike.

“I’ll tell you a secret,” answered Edie.  “I love getting lost in the woods.  I even prefer hiking in the rain!  This was my favourite kind of hike.  I had an awesome day!  You?”

“I did, but I’m paying for it now.  Which means you’re going to pay for it now,” he teased.

“Whatever do you mean?” asked Edie with a similar teasing tone.

“Have you ever heard of a movie called Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park?” asked Mike.

“Oh no,” said Edie with grim defeat.

“Oh yes.  You’re about to spend the next 90 minutes with me, watching one of the worst made-for-TV movies of all time:  1978’s Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park.  Fun fact:  Peter Criss is in it but they dubbed his voice over by an actor named Michael Bell.”

“Oh Mike,” groaned Edie.  “You know I hate old movies!”

“I do know that,” answered Mike, “but I’m the one dying in pain over here!”

Edie relented.  “Fine.  Put on your Kiss.  But afterwards I want to have a night fire.”

“I can manage that,” compromised Mike.  “Rock and roll all nite…” he prompted.

“…And party every day?” responded Edie.

“You’ll be ready to join the Kiss army any day now!” cheered Mike.  “Ow,” he said as he pulled his leg again.

And with that, pizza was ordered, a movie started, and a night just begun.

Epilogue

“Tommy Lee to Shinzon!  Tommy Lee to Shinzon,” shouted the tattooed idiot into the communicator.  “Yo, Shinzon, it’s Tommy Lee, pick up pick up pick up dude.”

The radio crackled to life.

“What is it, Lee?” asked a voice with a strange Australian accent.  “I’m predisposed at the moment.”

“Yo, dude!” answered Tommy Lee.  “I did what you said, dude.  I got my alien buds, we got in their UFO, and we went to go mess with Edie Van Heelin’ and Fanboy Mike just like you told me, dude.”

“Excellent, Lee!” answered Shinzon with glee.  “What did you do?”

“We totally zapped them with a ray gun and made ’em fall asleep for a couple hours.  They had no idea.  And then later on they got caught in a rainstorm!”

Shinzon waited to hear more.  “…And?”

“And what, dude?” asked a confused Tommy Lee.

“That’s it?  You made them fall asleep and they got wet?”  Shinzon was clearly furious.  “You idiot!”  He killed the connection.

His boss would not be happy at all.

 

THE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & California Girl)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)

 

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

The Writer’s Room:  Welcome to the Writer’s Room!

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE ________ SAGA

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)

Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)

Chapter Fifteen:  “Max The Axe” (by Harrison Kopp) Coming soon

Chapter Sixteen:  “The Epic” parts 1, 2 and 3 (by Harrison Kopp) Coming this spring

Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain & California Girl) Coming this summer – conclusion to Phase One

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)

 

 

 

MOVIE REVIEW: Avatar: The Way of Water (2022)

AVATAR:  THE WAY OF WATER (2022)

Directed by James Cameron

For those who will tell me “Yeah, but you need to see it in 3D for the whole experience”:

I know.  But I didn’t.  A movie still has to hold my attention in 2D, and based on that, I’m writing this movie review.

I like James Cameron, and I liked the first Avatar well enough, even though it was a derivative story we’ve all seen before in multiple films.  I am happy to revisit Pandora in all its splendor, with new biomes and new lifeforms — including intelligent whale-like cetaceans.  The allegories are unsubtle.  Perhaps they have to be, in order to have an impact on a dumbed-down modern audience.  For the rest of us, these parallels are a little too on-the-nose.

Was Avatar: The Way of Water a good film?  Sure!  It wasn’t a bad one.  But it certainly was not great.

Too many characters, too hard to distinguish.  Zoe Saldana disappeared in this film.  Sam Worthington is almost second fiddle to Navi: The Next Generation.  The kids are the center stage this time:  Jake and Netiri’s kids, and a human named “Spider” that you will tire of watching run around barefoot in his Tarzan clothes.  Who is “Spider”?  He is the son of Stephen Lang’s character from the first film.  Yes, he had a son he didn’t know about.  But he will, because now dead humans can be sent back to Pandora in new avatar bodies.  Now Stephen Lang’s all blue, but still just as intense.  This time he wants revenge on Jake Sully.  Good thing that happens to line up with Earth’s plan to pretty much do to Pandora what they already did to Earth!

Jake and family must move, so they choose a water clan to join.  They are somewhat welcomed, but of course do not fit in, and the kids have to endure the kind of things that kids endure when they move to a new town in movies.

Because nobody on Pandora dies permanently, apparently, Sigourney Weaver returns as her own CG daughter, which actually works.  She’s the highlight of the film.  Others, like Kate Winslet and Edie Falco, just disappear into this very crowded movie.  Plenty more characters from the original make quick, token cameos.

The first two hours were fine enough.  A lot of world building, showing, and telling.  There’s a lot to see.  Every corner of the screen bleeds beauty.  Too much.  Eventually it becomes numbing.  So much colour, so much water, so much life.  Perhaps this is where the 3D aspect would come as a relief.  You can just…look.

The last hour’s worth of Titanic ripoffs and kid rescues was tiring and I barely finished.

Bring an extra large popcorn.

3/5 stars

#1053: I Have Beaten Covid

RECORD STORE TALES #1053: I Have Beaten Covid

Well, my battle is over.  Jen’s still positive.

I stated in previous chapters, my battle was nothing.  I never got sick beyond a sore throat, and feeling really, really tired.  I do still have a recurring headache.  For those curious, this is my vaccination history:

  1. Pfizer
  2. Moderna
  3. Pfizer

Jen had the exact same combo as me, but she suffered a lot harder.  She’s on the upswing now, but her symptoms included sore throat, mild cough, lots of body pain, congestion and fatigue.  I believe I brought it into the house from work.

I wanted to write this Covid journal to keep people informed, let them know what Covid is like.  Fortunately this journal was a bit of a bust!  No complaints from me.

Welcome to the Writer’s Room!

In the Writer’s Room…

“Gentlemen!” I announced to my friends gathered in the room.  “It’s good to have us all back together.  This is our first meeting together since Christmas, am I right?”

To my left, my bald and beautiful friend Aaron answered.  “It sure was, sorry I have not been involved with the Community as much since then, it’s a busy time.”

I smiled and patted his shoulder.  “It is a busy time, yet you just provided ‘Chapter 14:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao‘ for us, and people have absolutely loved it.  It was daring, technical, fun, and still managed to fall into continuity!”

Aaron bowed his head.  “Thank you but flattery will get you nowhere!”

To my right sat Harrison the Australian, silky-haired, and with a note pad in front of him.  To his right was John T. Snow, sipping from a Gene Simmons Soda cola bottle quietly.  Opposite him, and to Aaron’s left was the 80’s Metal Man, sitting quietly and peering over his glasses at the rest of us.  At the end of the conference table was a pair of monitors with webcams enabled.  Their users had yet to log in from remote locations.

“Well gentlemen, let’s get started while we wait for our last two guests.  To say the least, Harrison and I have been busy.  We have our next chapter of the Adventures of Tee Bone Man ready to go with art complete.  We’re calling it ‘Max the Axe’ for now, but it does have a proper title that will be revealed in due time.  Harrison wrote this piece, which introduces the new character of Max the Axe himself; he’s kind of a big deal.”

The guys all smiled and nodded at this news.  “And then,” I continued, “Harrison has written what we are considering the climax to Tee Bone Man:  Phase One.  It’s so big that he had to split it into three instalments.  Three stories, three posts, over three days.  It’s a big ‘Epic’ that will serve as the grand finale to Phase One.”

80’s Metal Man raised his hand.  “I apologize, but for the benefit of the table, can you explain Phase One and what this means for us?”

“Gladly!” I answered.  I reached for a big marker board and began a diagram.  “You know how Marvel movies had Phase One:  The Infinity Saga?  And now we’re into Phase Two: The Multiverse Saga?”  I paused; everyone nodded yes.  “Multiverse is all the rage these days.  Star Trek is doing it, DC is doing it.  So are we.  The first 17 stories in The Adventures of Tee Bone Man comprise Phase One.  It’s a specific Saga, and it will all make sense to you when we wrap it up.  Harrison’s ‘Epic’ is our Endgame.  After that, Phase Two!  We’re starting to bring in characters from other alternate universe.  I’ll give you one spoiler:  the first multiversal character we introduce is a favourite Star Wars villain.”  There was a gasp of whispers around the table.  “A villain, but not our main overarching villain.  In fact, I’ve even already named this character in one of the stories.  If you missed it, you missed it!”

Snowman raised his hand.  “What if we’re not quite as big into Star Wars as you and Harrison?” he asked with fairness.

“No worries Snowman.  You guys are all going to continue on doing what you do.  Harrison and I have an eye on the overall story arc.  We know who the ‘Big Bad’ villain in the end will be, who has been driving all this action all this time.  We know what this villain wants.  All you guys have to do is keep writing your stories and we’ll do the rest.  In fact now you can do even more.  If you want your character the ‘Snowman’ to meet his evil opposite – the ‘Sandman’ perhaps – you can have them meet now.  You can do anything.  You can have Gene Simmons team up with Charles Luther from the film Runaway, if you want to.  The store is now open, gentlemen!”

This seemed to create a flurry of activity.  Harrison was scribbling notes as the others all seemed fired up by this news.  I then addressed Metal Man directly.

“Now, Metal Man, I know you have a story ready about the plot thread involving the secret mole in Rock and Roll Heaven.  Your story will fit perfectly into our Phase Two, which will tend to be broader in style and structure.  There will be tangents.  One of our new writers has written an entire story that takes place in an alternate universe, and…”

At that moment one of the two monitors came to life.  A dark, blurry image appeared.

“Hi!  Who’s this!” I addressed the screen.

There was a buzz of static and a distorted voice.

“This is Holen,” responded the blurred figure.

“Holen!  Welcome to the show my friend.  You know Harrison, this is Aaron, John and Michael the 80’s Metal Man.”

“Hello, Richard Dreyfuss, I always wanted to meet you, you were great in Jaws,” said Holen to John T. Snow.  Snowman laughed.  Not the first Dreyfuss joke at this table, and so he even wrote Dreyfuss into Tee Bone Man as a character.

“I was just about to talk about your chapter, Holen.  Why don’t you take it from here?”

Holen’s distorted voice came through the speakers.  “Yes, I’ve written the first chapter of an ongoing ‘Noir’ universe.  We call it ‘Noirison’.  It’s different versions of our characters, unconnected to the main Tee Bone Man universe, but still a different, dark reflection of it.”

I looked at the guys.  “You see?  This is the kind of thing we can do with the Multiverse.  Maybe Aaron can bring in a hockey story from a universe where the Montreal Habs win the cup.”  Only Aaron and I laughed at this joke.  The Habs, of course, are Tee Bone Man’s hockey team.

There was a beep, and the second monitor came to life.

“Hey guys!  Sorry I’m late.  Kids, softball, you know the whole routine!”

I beamed as the final guest had finally arrived.  “Guys, please meet MarriedandHeels, the California Girl!  She’s been helping me write the Edie Van Heelin’ stories and I think it’s time I brought her into these meetings.  Everyone say hello.”

The guys made their introductions, all but Harrison, who continued scribbling furious notes.  She waved back with a wide smile.

“You’re just in time, Manda.  I was just getting to our new stuff,” I said to her screen.

“Well take it away then, let’s hear it!” she responded with enthusiasm.

“So, as you guys have probably guessed, I’m been setting up a big crossover between the Adventures of Tee Bone Man and Edie Van Heelin’.  California Girl here has been co-writing the Edie stories with me…”

Manda interrupted.  “Well, you do all the hard work.”

I adopted a mocking tone.  “Oh yeah, my bruised and battered fingers are so sore from all the hard typing.”  Harrison laughed as he scribbled.  “Anyway, we have a few more Edie stories coming, before the big crossover, but I can confirm it’s happening.  After discussion with Harrison, we felt that the big crossover should serve as the coda of Phase One.  I am happy to announce that I have written the story, and it ties up a lot of the big threads that we have been secretly weaving without your knowledge.  It also starts laying tracks for Phase Two.  I think you are all going to love it.  I just need Manda to provide her story notes and additions, and Harrison to do the art.”

“That’s right,” added Manda.  “We need to make sure Edie is wearing all the right clothes and drinking the right tea.  The fine details,” she winked.

“Important details!” I corrected.  “I always value your input.  We created Edie Van Heelin’ together, she’s gotta fit both our visions.”

I noticed Harrison had barely mumbled a word this whole time.

“How you doing over there Harrison, nothing to say today?  You see California Girl is here?”  California Girl waved from her screen.

Harrison finally looked up.  “Oh, yes, hello California Girl.  I’m so sorry, I do apologize, I’ve just been working on some numbers here.”  Harrison then addressed the table.

“Guys, I’ve been working up the Lego budgets to do the artwork in Phase Two.  While I do have a number of sets covered, no spoilers, it’s the figures that are hard to acquire.  And, no offence, Edie Van Heelin’s constant costume changes are a large sum of this budget.”

I rubbed the side of my head.  “I knew this would be a problem.  Think we can have her do the battle in her silver skirt?  I can tone down the costume changes otherwise.”

“As long as you can still make a Lady Vader figure for Edie to fight down the line,” added California Girl.

“Yes, of course, no problem, but with us introducing new characters, the Lego budget is still very worrisome,” finished Harrison.

“Well, I do have some good news for you there,” I told him.  “I just sent you a bunch of bags of Lego as a donation to the Lego art fund.  Lots of minifigs in there, including a couple that will come in handy next December when we do our second Christmas episode…”

California Girl began clapping at this news.  The others soon joined in, and suddenly it was a round of applause for Harrison and his awesome Lego art.

“Yeah let’s hear it for this guy and his awesome art!” I said.  Harrison blushed and quietly said “thank you.”

After the applause died down, John Snow served us all a round of Simmons soda, while California Girl drank her green tea, and Holen consumed a blurry bottle of something blurry.  I addressed the room.

“So there you go, folks!  Phase One is wrapping up in months.  Three chapters to go:  ‘Max the Axe’, the ‘Epic’, and ‘Tee Bone Man vs Edie Van Heelin’.  When we reveal what the actual title of Phase One is, you will understand the plot threads being wrapped up.  You’re gonna love it!  Then, it’s wide open in Phase Two: The Multiverse Saga!”

“Good meeting, guys!” said Aaron.  “I gotta go get the kids from school!”

“And I have to take mine to their next sporting event!” said California Girl.  “Wanna see my shoes first?”  She then showed off a cool purple and black pair of Nike’s.  “These took me 12.5 miles on Monday!”  We all congratulated her and she signed off.

“I have to run too,” said Holen.  “Not 12.5 miles though.  Looking forward to what you all think of Noirison.”

Michael the 80s Metal Man stood.  “And I look forward to your feedback regarding my story of the mole in Rock and Roll Heaven.”

“Patience, young Jedi!” I bowed and responded.  Michael then disappeared through a portal.

Snowman grabbed the remaining Simmons soda and also excused himself.  Something about a big record sale somewhere he had to check out.  Just Harrison and I were left in the Writer’s Room.

“Exciting times, eh?” I asked him.

“Very,” he responded.

I sat there and just stared at him, as he calmly stroked his moustache.

“You don’t get very excited, do you?” I questioned.

“This is the most excited I’ve been in days,” answered Harrison.

I shrugged.  “True that.  Wait until the Lego donations arrive, and do the budget later.  You have lots of ideas?”

This time, Harrison truly did look excited.

“Oh yes,” he said.  “The best is yet to come!”

 

The end

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

The Writer’s Room:  Welcome to the Writer’s Room!

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE ________ SAGA

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)

Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)

Chapter Fifteen:  “Max The Axe” (by Harrison Kopp) Coming soon

Chapter Sixteen:  “The Epic” parts 1, 2 and 3 (by Harrison Kopp) Coming this spring

Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain & California Girl) Coming this summer – conclusion to Phase One

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & California Girl) Coming soon

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)