“Oh my goodness. That lady just shot blades out of her boobs.” – Mrs. LeBrain’s Mom
MACHETE KILLS (2013 Aldamisa) Directed by Robert Rodriguez
Machete Kills is the sequel to Robert Rodriguez’ Machete (2010), starring 69 year old cult hero Danny Trejo. Minor spoiler alert: It begins with an over the top preview trailer for the thirdMachete movie, guest starring “Justin Bieber” as “Bleep”. (Guess what happens to “Bleep”!)* Hold on to your hats.
For Machete Kills, I decided to co-review it with special guest, Mrs. LeBrain’s Mom. I enjoy subjecting Mrs. LeBrain’s Mom to movies now and then. Sometimes she likes them: Paul (2011) was her favourite of my selections. Jackass 3D (2010) was definitely her least favourite.
Machete Kills sort of has a plot: The US military is selling weapons to the cartel. Another mysterious faction with black Venom-like masks are also after the weapons. The masked leader of this group gives Machete something terrible to avenge. Then, the President of the United States of America (Carlos Estevez/Charlie Sheen) makes him offer he can’t refuse, and he is soon back in Mexico fighting a one-man war. But he is not completely on his own, as undercover agent Miss San Antonio (Amber Heard) has plenty of gadgets that go boom. His target: Marcos Mendez, the head of the cartel with a nuke aimed at Washington.
Add in a master of disguise after a $20M bounty, a Star Wars-obsessed evil genius, Sofía Vergara’s machine gun boobs, a madman with multiple personalities and a load of evil clones, and we’re in for a good time.
The story as such serves simply to introduce the complex of characters. Machete is less a film and more a series of action sequences separated by dialogue explaining what’s happening. As the movie goes on, many interested parties emerge (all played by big name actors or Rodriguez regulars). There are so many back-stabs and switcheroos that we are well past incredulity and into outlandish. Machete is a perfect mix of camp and violence. Although the movie seems built to support the large cast, the actors in turn are all pros clearly having a good time. I liked them all…all but Amber Heard. Something about her, so wooden.
I made three minor observations. 1) It’s convenient that the bad guys only attack Machete one at a time. 2) It’s also a good thing for Machete that none of the generic bad guys can aim. 3) The female characters in the movie might want to put on some pants next time they go into combat.
As for my co-reviewer, Mrs. LeBrain’s Mom didn’t like when Machete’s girlfriend Sartana (Jessica Alba) gets shot in the head. “She was a pretty girl,” she says. “She shouldn’t have been shot.” She also didn’t like seeing Marko Zaror getting sucked into helicopter blades by his intestines. Mrs. LeBrain’s Mom had a few choice words for Lady Gaga, which she asked me to edit out so to avoid the wrath of her Little Monsters. She did not enjoy the number of heads that got removed from their bodies (at least a dozen), but I did see her laugh at several points. She largely enjoyed the cast, particularly Mel Gibson. Upon seeing Carlos Estevez, she shrieked “He’s the President? Oh my God!” She did not enjoy the foul language, particularly when out of the mouths of the young female characters.
4/5 stars – LeBrain
A “solid” 3/5 stars – Mrs. LeBrain’s Mom (“It was really kind of…strange.”)
Dedicated to Zachary Britton THE LAST STARFIGHTER directed by Nick Castle (1984 Universal, 25th anniversary edition)
Hot on the heels of the then-defunct Star Wars franchise came The Last Starfighter. There had been other copycat films before, but few were as well done as The Last Starfighter. The theme that they both have in common was the young boy, stuck in the middle of nowhere, aching to get away and make something of himself. The Last Starfighter wore its themes on its sleeve. Like Otis says in the opening scenes, “When life gives you a chance, you gotta grab on with both hands and hang on tight!”
I recently re-watched my old DVD and was shocked to see how bad that 1998 release looked. Certain frames had sections that were washed out, I could see a hair on the film, and there were plenty of scratches that begged for digital restoration. I immediately went out and bought the blu-ray. Suddenly, everything was crisp and clear in glorious 1080p hi-def. All the defects I noticed before had been cleaned up. The film looks great!
Alex Rogan (Lance Guest) is your average American teen living somewhere in the southern states (Arizona? New Mexico?) in a trailer park. His application for a loan has been rejected and it looks like he’s going to be stuck going to city college with the locals. His dream of finally getting out has been quashed. However, Alex has a talent — more accurately, “the gift” — to be a Starfighter. Only he doesn’t know it yet. All he knows is that he just scored 1,000,000 points on a video game console called “Starfighter”. Small triumph, sure, but more important than he knows.
Light years away, the peaceful planet of Rylos is about to be decimated by the traitor Xur, who has declared himself Emperor (Hmmm…Star Wars?). Xur brings with him his allies, the deadly Kodan armada. Rylos’ best hope are the Starfighters: an elite group of fighters who have mastered the difficult gunnery station aboard the immensely powerful “Gunstar” fighter ships. A heavily armed beast of a spacecraft, a Gunstar is manned by a crew of two: a pilot and a gunner. And that video game, back in the trailer park, on Earth? That was more than just a video a game. It was simulator, planted there by the alien recruiter Centauri (Robert Preston in his final role). It was designed and built specifically to find someone with “the gift” to be a Starfighter.
In short order, Centauri appears, as a 70-ish year old human in a (then!) futuristic car. He whisks Alex away, across the lightyears to Rylos where the whole situation is explained to him. One slight problem though: Alex doesn’t want to be a Starfighter. It’s not his war, and he doesn’t want to die for a planet he didn’t know existed, so far from home.
Will Alex remember old Otis’ advice? Will he grab hold of this chance with both hands, and hold on tight?
What made The Last Starfighter fun was that it had a dual plot. While Alex has been swept away to the stars, he has been replaced back home with a “Beta unit” that looks exactly like him. It’s a robot, also played by Lance Guest, but his “fish out of water” scenes return the movie to comedic moments. These scenes help ground the movie and keep it relate-able. A lot of the humour comes from Beta trying to understand Alex’s girlfriend Maggie (Mary Catherine Stewart). But it’s not all fun and games for Beta. Emperor Xur thinks he has destroyed all the Starfighters, but he learns that there might be a last Starfighter, a human, alive on Earth….
Comedy, lasers and action! Cool looking aliens! All that fascinating early CG animation! These all make The Last Starfighter a blast for me to revisit. Although today it looks horribly dated, it is easy to overlook the primitive CG and just get into the story and characters. The only way this movie could work, then and now, is suspending your disbelief and getting into the characters. Thankfully, some great performances from the lead cast make that easy to do. In particular, Robert Preston and Dan O’Herlihy as the reptilian alien pilot Grig are standouts.
Blu-ray bonus features are excellent. The original documentary from the old DVD version is included, as well as a brand new one in 1080i hi-def. Both Lance Guest and Mary Catherine Stewart appear and provide fascinating insight. As a kid, I always suspected that the “Beta” version of Guest was wearing a wig, as the hair never looked right. Guest confirms this: Many of the Beta scenes were added as an afterthought, and he had already cut his hair short. Stewart is good humoured about her awful Michael Bay moment in the film (“I love you Alex Rogan”).
The Last Starfighter, while appearing dated, is still the same old timeless story it always has been. Recommended for anyone born before Jurassic Park came out.
Music, movies, and books! I’ve been very occupied these last couple days.
I get the Guiness’ Book of World Records, and the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not books every year. I imagine my surprise when I discovered a friend of ours in both books! Apparently, Sweet Pepper Klopek holds the world record for “Most Baking Sheets Buckled Over the Head for One Minute.” This is a guy who has been on my living room couch! Lemon Kurri says:
“He’s in there a couple times. Most mouse traps sprung on a tongue in 1 min too.”
PATHS OF GLORY (2010 Criterion Blu-ray, originally 1957)
Directed by Stanley Kubrick
It is the First World War. The French have dug into trenches, 500 miles long, from the English Channel to the border of Switzerland. As the film’s intro eloquently states, victories are counted in hundreds of yards gained, at the cost of hundreds of thousands of men. This is the setting of Paths of Glory, certainly and easily one of the greatest war movies of all time.
Paths of Glory, one of several Stanley Kubrick masterpieces, contains some of the most realistic First World War battle scenes ever put to film. The landscape is a cratered no-man’s land of mud, wire and bodies. The desperation is captured beautifully. The references to “shell shock” are historically accurate (it was considered to be a mythical condition by the generals of the day).
Kirk Douglas is Col. Dax, once a lawyer in his old life, now ordered to take the “Anthill”. It’s a fortified position that German forces have held for a year. Now the French intend to take it and keep it. All they have to do this with is tired and worn out men. Dax doesn’t think it can be done, but cannot disobey an order. The only alternative for him would have been to be relieved of duty, and Dax won’t abandon his men when they need him.
General Mireaux, his ambition clouding his judgment, set up an impossible undertaking. As is inevitable, the man are slaughtered, not even able to clear their own barbed wire. The few survivors were forced back by more guns and shells. A humiliated and embarrassed General Mireaux then orders his artillery to fire on his own trenches (that should keep them from retreating to them, right?) When that order is refused, he decides to charge them for cowardice in the face of enemy. After all, someone must take the blame for this failure, and why should it be an officer? Col. Dax returns to his role of a lawyer and defends the three token men chosen at random to face the charges of cowardice. Then, the movie morphs into courtroom drama.
Paths of Glory paints a picture of the way it was, based loosely on the practice of executing men for cowardice before they “infect” the rest of the men with it. It’s not a pretty picture. The trenches in the film are perhaps drier than the real trenches but the landscapes look very real indeed. Kubrick’s style here was still that of an observer, which came from his years as a newspaper photographer. He places his lenses where an observer would sit, and you can watch the events unfold like a fly on the wall.
Kirk Douglas is joined by Kubrick regulars Timothy Carey (two Kubrick films to his name), Joe Turkel (three Kubrick films) as well as Adolphe Menjou and a very young Christiane Kubrick.
The story itself is a heart wrenching look at the realities of First World War Europe, and also the human spirit. It attacks our prejudices and practices while reminding us that we are all the same regardless of our station in life. Kubrick seems to have been both fascinated by war while being repulsed by its necessity.
This being such an historically important film, I am glad that it finally received the Criterion treatment. The restoration is very well done compared to the original DVD edition. The audio is in mono just as the original film was. I appreciate that nobody tried to tinker with the audio to make it multi-channel. This is the way Kubrick made it. Supplemental features are here including audio commentary, an essay, and a fun interview with Kirk Douglas from the 1970’s, among numerous others.
This is absolutely necessary for any fans of real war films and Stanley Kubrick. Hopefully this ushers in a set of brand new Kubrick Criterion editions. I bought two copies; the second was for my dad.
5/5 stars
Kirk Douglas … Col. Dax
Ralph Meeker … Cpl. Philippe Paris
Adolphe Menjou … Gen. George Broulard
George Macready … Gen. Paul Mireau
Wayne Morris … Lt. Roget
Richard Anderson … Maj. Saint-Auban
Joe Turkel … Pvt. Pierre Arnaud
Warning: The delightfully titled Hot Tub Time Machine is the same as every other modern comedy. Outrageous situations! Gross-outs! Swearing! Hollow characters!…but I liked it. What can I say, I’m easily amused. I don’t mind this kind of movie, plus it has an 80’s metal slant. The performances by John Cusack and Rob Corddry were good enough to keep me entertained long enough.
Plot in a nutshell: Three dudes plus Cusack’s nephew are going nowhere in life and in their relationships. Trying to dip back into the past, they visit the same ski resort that they went to back in ’86. It’s gone downhill since then, but after a drunken night in the hot tub, they wake up (gasp!) back in 1986, forced to relive one of the most interesting vacations of their lives! Will they do things the same? Will they try to change the future? Can they even get back to the future? What about the nephew? Watch to find out!
Each character has his own trip to relive, Corddry’s being the lynchpin of the whole situation. The plot is pretty simple but the movie is fun. Great music from the 80’s — Poison, Motley Crue, and more — make this a movie for the balding generation. Heck, there’s even a vintage-looking Poison concert complete with some dude that looks exactly like C.C. Deville circa Look What The Cat Dragged In.
To its credit, the ending was a twist I didn’t expect, and I enjoyed the cast including Chevy Chase. It was fun revisiting some aspects of 1986 (even though some tunes, such as “Kickstart My Heart” didn’t come out until ’89).
Blu-ray special features include commentaries, deleted scenes and extended scenes. The best deleted scenes were multiple hilarious takes of Corrdry, who’s comes across as a pretty funny guy. Digital copy is included but don’t ask me about it, because I don’t use them. All I know is that the digital copy is just the “rated” version of the film.
CLASSIC ALBUMS: Paranoid – BLACK SABBATH (2010 Eagle Vision Blu-ray)
Those familiar with Black Sabbath know that Tony and Geezer don’t necessarily make the best interviewees. Their answers are often monotone, bland, and only vaguely remembered. Maybe somebody gave them some coffee before this video. Geezer in particular seems more animated, but they both appear actually alive! Bill Ward is Bill Ward, of course. Ozzy can barely get his voice above a croaking whisper. None of that matters though, because this Blu-ray disc is not about the present, it’s about the distant past, 40+ years distant in fact: the landmark metal album of metal albums, Paranoid.
Everybody reading this knows Paranoid from front to back (I hope so, anyway) and has probably bought it more than once. If you don’t know Paranoid, get the album! Go! Listen to it, come back, and finish reading this review later.
Like all Classic Albums discs, this deconstructs classic tunes to the individual layers. You are invited to hear the basic tracks for songs such as “Iron Man”, “Fairies Wear Boots”, “Planet Caravan”, “Black Sabbath”, and more. Engineer Tom Allom (perhaps best known for his production work with Judas Priest) is your tour guide. Stripped of vocals and guitar, you can hear the rhythm section clearly. Hearing Bill and Geezer playing together without adornment is a revelation. If anyone comes out looking very underrated in the Sabbath saga, it is Bill Ward and Geezer Butler, who are psychically locked-in and loose.
Meanwhile, in new footage from the here and now, Iommi demonstrates some of the most famous riffs and solos in Sabbath history. Meanwhile Ozzy explains how he wrote melodies. This story is unfolded within the context of the late 60’s and early 70’s, and what Sabbath stood for in those tumultuous times.
Bonus features are generous, like all Classic Albums discs. About 45 minutes of additional footage is available, discussing songs and topics that didn’t make the cut of the main Blu-ray feature itself. None of it is filler, all of it is worth watching and probably would have made a completely un-boring extended feature anyway, had it been left in.
My only complaint is the resolution of this disc is only 1080i. Minor complaint at that.
As a companion piece, I highly recommend getting Paranoid in its 3 disc expanded edition. The reason being is, on this Blu-ray you will hear demo versions of songs with alternate lyrics. If you want all of these demos complete and uncut, you have to get the 3 disc version of Paranoid which includes them all (as well as the album’s original Quad mix).
In anticipation the of the soon-to-be-released sequel Machete Kills!
“Machete don’t text.”
MACHETE(2010, 20th Century Fox)
Directed by Robert Rodriguez
I really didn’t know what to expect when I bought Machete, sight unseen. Can you really expand a novelty joke movie trailer into a full length movie? If so, can you have it remain as funny, as action packed, and creative as that 3 minute spot? Robert Rodriguez answers us, “Yes”!
“They just fucked with the wrong Mexican”
Danny Trejo is awesome as our anti-hero and titular character. An unemployed machete-wielding vigilante, he has been offered a considerable sum of money to assassinate a corrupt senator (Robert DeNiro). However, it’s a double cross! The attempted shooting only boosts the senator’s popularity, thus ensuring his election victory, based on anti-immigrant propaganda.
Machete is not alone. His brother the Padre (Cheech Marin) is a gun-totin’ pot-smokin’ priest with a determination to right some wrongs. Blood, gore, people’s intestines being ripped out and used as a rope…this movie has everything you were hoping for and some things you weren’t. Done in the same campy style as Grindhouse, scratchy film and all, if you’re in on the joke you will love Machete. If you don’t get it, hey that’s cool. They’re still making Fast & Furious films.
Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Don Johnson, Jeff Fahey, and Steven Segal round out the cast, and they were all clearly having a blast. DeNiro especially seems like he was having a great time camping it up with his cheesiest character yet. And then there’s the most overrated star of all time, Lindsay Lohan. I’m not sure what she’s doing here, except to attract some more viewers who want to see her frolicking around topless.
Blu-ray bonus features are kind of sparse, but there are deleted scenes. There’s also an audience reaction audio track, and I always enjoy those with a film like this. It gives you the feeling of being there in the theater. Still, I was hoping for more bonus features, like another one of Robert’s cooking features. They’re fun. Ahh well.
If you are a fan of this genre, and liked movies such as Grindhouse or Black Dynamite, you will love Machete. If you’re looking for glossy Hollywood action, look elsewhere.
Happy LeBrain Day! It’s my birthday. Sometimes on my birthday, I like to just spend an afternoon watching a favourite movie. This is one.
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968, from the 2011 Stanley Kubrick Visionary Filmmaker Blu Ray Collection, Warner Bros.)
Once upon a time, when the year 2001 seemed aeons away, director Stanley Kubruck (Dr. Strangelove) contacted author Arthur C. Clarke (Childhood’s End) to discuss making “the proverbial good science fiction movie”. Both were sick of films that passed for science fiction, but were actually monster movies set in space, or just replaced science with fantasy.
The result was 2001: A Space Odyssey, the film, and a companion book of the same name which is actually a completely different animal. The film — striking, innovative, visually engrossing, ambiguous, and scientifically solid — is as good today as it was in 1968, even if many of the “predictions” of the film have failed to come to pass.
Separated into four chapters (The Dawn Of Man, TMA-1, & Jupiter and Beyond the Infinite) complete with intermission, 2001 has no dialogue for the first quarter of the film. Beginning with a blank screen (and “Atmospheres”, by Ligeti), this is a film paradoxically anchored by both music and silence. The screen changes to the Earth rising over the moon, and the sun rising over the Earth (an important clue and recurring symbol) accompanied by “Thus Spoke Zarathustra”. We are then introduced to a tribe of pre-human apes (Australopithecus, perhaps), starving and on the verge of extinction. Other tribes are stronger and out-competing them for territory and resources. There is no dialogue, but the barking of the apes, yet that and the scenery speak volumes. Suddenly one morning, the game has changed: a mysterious black monolith has appeared. The apes are drawn to it, and soon find that they are now able to compete with predators thanks to a new discovery: weapons.
The second chapter, TMA-1, begins with what Clarke has called “the longest jump-cut in history”. We see that humanity has evolved into a space-going race. Orbital weapons platforms orbit Earth as a shuttle is making way to an under-construction space station. “The Blue Danube” plays as the spacecraft dance in calculated perfection. Our first main speaking character, Dr. Heywood Floyd, arrives on the station and we are given some tantalizing clues as to why he’s made this trip: Rumours of a plague outbreak on the moon. Yet this is just a cover story. As Floyd makes his way to the moon in another beautifully choreographed sequence, we learn that a magnetic anomoly was discovered in the crater Tycho (named after astronomer Tycho Brahe) — Tycho Magnetic Anomaly 1, or TMA-1. This discovery is potentially so important, that the cover story was created to keep everyone far away from Tycho.
We see that TMA-1 is another black monolith. We see echoes and ripples of past events lead to another jump forward in time. Midway though a mission of discovery to Jupiter, helmed by David Bowman (the perpetually young Keir Dullea) and Frank Poole (Star Trek’s Gary Lockwood). Their ship, the Discovery contains three sleeping astronauts and the most famous computer of all time, H.A.L. 9000. H.A.L. was flawelessly voiced by Stratford Ontario resident Douglas Rain. His eerie voice and Kubrick’s perfect framing shots help create the creepiest computer character ever seen.
The seemingly dull, sleepy daily routine is soon shattered. H.A.L. has detected a flaw in the ship’s main antenna. It will fail, unless one of the astronauts goes outside and repairs it. The antenna is their only link to distant Earth. H.A.L., who controls the life support and every function of Discovery, then begins to show signs of what humans call stress — he makes an error, and acts strangely. Yet no 9000-series computer has ever failed, or found to be in error. The chapter closes with H.A.L. singing the old song, “Daisy Bell (Bicycle Built for Two)”, surely one of the most haunting scenes in cinema.
After an intermission, Discovery finally arrives at Jupiter and its true mission is revealed. This section too has no dialogue, bringing us full circle to the way it began. David Bowman once again must venture outside the ship, and find out how the mysterious discovery on the moon relates to Jupiter. Perhaps even how it related to our millenia-dead ancestors.
What follows is one of the most baffling and strange sequences in movie history, one which will require a few patient viewings to appreciate. The beauty of this final sequence is that there is no right or wrong interpretation. While on the surface it may appear to be a psychedelic kaleidoscope of colour followed by a bizarre dialogue-free encounter with a being that seems to have no bearing on reality, it is Kubrick’s inventive way of showing the audience something that is beyond anyone’s imagination. Like the audience, David Bowman and humanity have come full circle.
Lacking in what modern audiences call “action”, lacking typical space sound effects (there is no sound in space!), lacking dialogue for most of the movie, and lacking any sort of warm human characters (except maybe H.A.L. who is not human), this movie was a challenge to watch in 1968 and is still a challenge today. It is, however, a piece of art that transcends its genre and is a landmark in film making. Kubrick, always a visionary and always breaking through boundaries of what could not be done in film, outdid himself and made a science fiction film that still has not been topped over 40 years later. Nobody has made anything this epic, this beautiful, this deep or this scientifically sound since. The special effects — all practical effects and mostly in-camera, as CG did not yet exist — still stand up today. No movie buff will ever forget the rotating Discovery set that allowed one character to be seated while another seemingly walked on the “ceiling”.
Sure,we don’t have a moon base. We haven’t sent anyone to Jupiter. We do have a space station. We have created computers that can beat the best humans at chess and Jeopardy. This is not that far off. If they had named this film 2031: A Space Odyssey, we might be in the right ballpark. In the end, the year does not matter. You never see modern Earth in the movie anyway.
The blu-ray release is loaded with special features and has a beautiful transfer in 2.20:1, as Kubrick shot it and intended it to be. Both Dullea and Lockwood provide an audio commentary. There are documentaries about Kubrick, about the predictions of the film, and about the effects. The only thing missing is the vintage 1966 Arthur C. Clarke lecture from the first issue of the DVD. I still have that DVD copy because I like that old 1966 footage of Clarke. He’s my favourite author.
2001: A Space Odyssey is, without any doubt or any argument in my mind, the greatest science fiction film of all time. With Kubrick and Clarke now both gone, I doubt we will ever see anything like it again. 5/5 stars is meaningless, since this movie was (for its scale and stature) first, and the best, against everything in its genre.
I’ll rate it 200 billion stars, one for each star in our galaxy.
WATCHMEN : The Ultimate Cut – The Complete Story (2009 Warner 4 disc blu-ray set)
Directed by Zack Snyder, 216 minutes
What’s the greatest comic book movie of all time? I’ve seen a lot of them. There’s quite a few I haven’t seen as well, but it’s a great topic for discussion. I always have to put Watchmen on the table when discussing great comic book adaptations.
Watchmen is a complex tale. Its original comic was ambitious, containing page after page of dense backstory information in the form of documents and faux-magazine articles, all very relevant. There’s even a parallel story taking place, a comic within a comic, which directly reflects one (or arguably more) of the characters in the main story. Characters and their psychology are key. In addition, neither the comic nor the movie are linear. The story unfolds within different time periods, flashing back and forth, as we learn more about the characters, their motivations, and the world they inhabit.
It is the world they inhabit that was the hook for me. I’m a sucker for alternate universe stories. Here’s one that sets us on Earth, 1985, but things have unfolded very differently. The influence of various superheroes/vigilantes has caused history to unfold very differently. Specifically, it is the presence of Dr. Manhattan, who puts a swift and decisive end to the Vietnam war, who influences history the most. In this 1985, Richard Nixon is still president, and masked vigilantes are now outlawed.
The Watchmen are a group of such vigilantes, originally known as the Minutemen. Some, such as Dr. Manhattan truly are superhuman. Others, such as Nite Owl and his successor Nite Owl II, are mere mortals with high-tech gadgetry and skill as their allies. All have retired, some in fame and some in anonymity…all but one. Rorschach. He remains active, alone and wanted.
The movie begins as a murder mystery. Someone has managed to identify and kill Edward Blake — The Comedian, once one of the most dangerous heroes alive. To overpower and murder Blake would require an individual of tremendous resources. Who? And are other former vigilantes also at risk? Rorschach seems to be the only one who wants to know.
Being a fan of the graphic novel, I was very happy with the way that Zack Snyder captured Watchmen. It was done with love and care. The things that are discarded, I didn’t miss so much. The things that he changed, I understand why it was done. There’s one layer to the story/mystery that has been discarded, probably to keep this thing under 4 hours! The things that are reverently exactly the same as the comic made my jaw drop in awe. The acting performances are what they are, but I have to give special mention to Jackie Earl Haley as Rorschach.
The soundtrack is one of the best in recent memory. Outside of Wes Anderson, I haven’t loved a soundtrack this much in a long time. It’s awesome from the stunning Bob Dylan classic “The Times They Are A’Changing”, to Nat King Cole, to Simon and Garfunkel, Hendrix and Philip Glass, and probably the weirdest use of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” in movie history. The soundtrack is where it’s at. The movie even contains a Village People sighting! I’ll skip My Chemical Romance.
This Ultimate Cut weaves the comic-within-a-comic, Tales Of The Black Freighter, previously only available on its own, into the main body of Watchmen. These segments are narrated by Gerard Butler. New live action linking sequences connect the movie to Black Freighter, much like it worked in the graphic novel. People who haven’t read the graphic novel might not understand what “Black Freighter” is doing there, but they should probably start with the less daunting theatrical cut to start with anyway.
The box set includes four discs, beautifully packaged. Hardly a complaint to be registered. The box is heavy and sturdy. Included is Watchmen: The Motion Comic, packed in its own case, 5 hours long on its own. One disc is the expired digital copy of the theatrical cut (whoop de do) and another disc is loaded with special features. Best of these is Under The Hood, which is based on the graphic novel segments covering Holis Mason. Mason, the original Nite Owl I, wrote an autobiography called Under the Hood; this film is a faux-documentary on his story. It is presented as a television program from 1975 re-run in 1985, including commercials and scratchy footage. At 35 minutes, this is an absolute must. Other special features include brand new audio commentaries, for those who dare to keep going deeper. This set is just loaded. Unfortunately I found the sound level inconsistent, I had to turn it up and down frequently.
Having said that, I’m not going to discard my Director’s Cut of Watchmen. Clocking in at almost four hours, watching this version is a commitment. I know that occasionally, I will want to watch the “shorter” version of the film. Since a digital copy of the theatrical (shortest) cut is included here, maybe you won’t feel the need to double-up on Watchmen editions. For an enriched viewing experience, set aside the four hours one afternoon and enjoy.
Some at the record store made fun of me for being such a serious Star Wars fan. I’m not a hard core fanboy; I don’t go to conventions or follow the books and TV shows, but I am pretty dedicated to the films. I booked May 19, 1999 off work well in advance to see The Phantom Menace on opening day.
I’m not going to turn this story into a review for Phantom Menace. That movie’s been reviewed by thousands of people and I’m not interested in contributing to the background noise. The only thing you need to really agree with me on is that there was a tremendous excitement for Phantom Menace back in 1999. I had been dreaming of what might happen before and after the Holy Trilogy since I was 5 years old. My sister was only a baby when the first Star Wars came out, but she did get to see Empire in the theaters. She is a slightly bigger fan than I am, but she doesn’t follow the expanded universe or any of that stuff.
We both booked the day off work and planned to go together. Our strategy was this: Since we knew that the theaters would be absolutely packed for the midnight opening, we picked an out of the way (but still THX) theater that had a noon showing. So, all we had to do was wait an extra 12 hours (at home), and we’d get in no problem!
We showed up at the theater and were, like, seventh in line. No sweat. Soon we had our seats in a sparsely seated theater. Then the trailers (something called Titan AE, which inspired a heckle of “What the hell was that?” from the audience). Then the Fox fanfare, the Lucasfilm logo and finally…”A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away….”
136 minutes later (we stayed for the credits of course) we were pretty satisfied with the movie. Keep in mind that fast shit had been whizzing in front of our faces for over two hours. There were things that didn’t make sense, there were things we didn’t like much (the kid, Jar Jar) but we kept telling ourselves the same thing.
“Yeah, but it’s the first chapter. The next one will be where it really starts.”
As we were talking about it, I said, “Wanna see it again? It went so fast there was a ton of stuff I’m sure I missed.”
“Sure!” she answered. “Yeah!”
We went back out to the ticket counter. There were a few people in line, but not many. “Two for Star Wars, please,” I said as I approached the counter.
“Didn’t you just come out of Star Wars?” she said with that snooty tone.
“Yep. We liked it,” I answered.
“And you want to see it again?” We did.
We went back in. The second time lacked a bit of the awe. This time, I paid more attention to the details. Questions came to my mind. “If Yoda is the Jedi Master that instructed Obi-Wan, then why is Liam Neeson training him?” Stuff like that.
I still remember that on the way home, we stopped at the HMV store, and I bought Ed Hunter by Iron Maiden. When we got home, we were still excited about the movie, telling Mom and Dad all the details. My dad was skeptical.
“Does it have the emotion of the first one? Does it have the feeling?” he inquired.
“Well…no not exactly,” I rationalized. “This is just the first chapter. The next one will be where it really starts.”
My dad was onto something.
The hilarious Red Letter Media review
I also distinctly remember watching Phantom Menace again with Tom and a franchise owner, on VHS, shortly after it came out.
In 2005 I first met the girl who would later become my wife, but she had never seen Star Wars. I was really excited to be the guy that got to watch Star Wars with her for the first time. For some stupid reason that to this day I will never understand, I decided to start her off with Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Bad idea.
“That stupid fucking dino-guy” is what she named Jar-Jar Binks. She hated it. (She liked Episode III though.) Then, her dad (rest his soul) decided that he wanted to see the Star Wars prequels too. One Saturday night I went over there with my DVD copy of Phanton Menace in hand. And so it was that Jen had to see Phantom Menace not once, but twice.
We’ll be married five years this August, more awesomer than ever, so “that stupid fucking dino-guy” couldn’t have been all that bad, right?
MACHETE KILLS (2013 Aldamisa)
mikeladano.com 