Happy hump day. For this edition of WTF, I’ve collected 10 of the weirdest sexual phrases that, somehow, some way, Googled these people to me. Missed the last edition? Click here!
Cassettes Part IV – LeBrain’s Tapes (What Remains)
I used to have a lot of tapes. So many, that T-Rev converted my closet doors to shelving, just to store my numerous cassettes! It was quite a feat of engineering on his part.
If you’ve read the otherthreeparts of this series on cassettes, then you’ve already seen some of the awesome artwork that T-Rev used to come up with for his tapes. Doing those articles got me nostalgic, but very few of my own tapes remained. A year or two before I met Mrs. LeBrain, I briefly dated this one girl who was getting into hair metal. I had succeeded in replacing most of my tapes on CD (although still incomplete; I need a copy of Live Fast, Die Fast by Wolfsbane, and Phenomenon 1). All my tapes were redundant, and I gave her boxes and boxes full of them.
God knows where those tapes are now. I doubt she took them back home to Thunder Bay when it was all over, they probably ended up in a landfill. No big loss really, the only shame of it is that, like T-Rev, I used to make a lot of my own custom artwork.
Mrs. LeBrain and I were visiting her mom yesterday, and I found some of my old Beatles tapes that I had made, at her place! Her dad drove a delivery van with nothing but a tape deck inside. He was more than happy to receive my old Beatles tapes, and he loved them. And there they were, still at the house, complete with my computer generated J-cards. Nothing elaborate, although I did paste the cover for Abbey Road onto that tape.
This inspired me to dig through some boxes here, and see if I had any of my own tapes left. Surely there must be something here, with some of my own custom cover art! There was just a handful left, stuff that I wouldn’t have parted with at the time, and lo and behold, there was my old artwork. These sure brought back memories!
Back in the early record store days, cassette was my primary medium. They were portable, you could leave them in the car and not worry about them getting banged up, so I recorded everything onto cassette. It wasn’t until I had left the record store in 2006 that I got my first car with a CD deck. Before then, I had one of those adapter kits to play a discman in the car, but it sounded shite. I was glad to find the following treasures tucked away in a box!
Ahh, Spinal Tap. A Spinal Tap Reunion was recorded from a 1992 TV special. Unavailable on DVD today, as far as I know. That’s a shame.
I bought Grande Rock by The Hellacopters on vinyl, to get that bonus track “Angel Dust”. Or, more accurately, one of my record store compatriots got it for me at Orange Monkey Music in Waterloo. I dutifully recorded it to cassette without making elaborate packaging, but I did put some effort into the cassette spine.
You Fat Bastards by Faith No More was the full show that was released on CD in truncated form on the Live at the Brixton Academy CD. This was from a VHS release.
Guns N’ Roses did a couple cool TV specials. I recorded Live at the Ritz off T-Rev, who stuck on some demos for bonus tracks. The cover was made by adapting an old Appetite For Destruction J-card. I think this turned out pretty cool. Invade Paris! was a TV special from 1992.
These two Maiden tapes were from VHS releases. It’s a shame that Raising Hell was never released on a CD. Here’s hoping the band will put that out on a future box set. It was Bruce’s “final” show. I just edited out the crap sections with “magician” Simon Drake. Maiden England is also taken from VHS, but this is the full show. The CD release omitted two songs: “Can I Play With Madness”, and “Hallowed Be Thy Name”. My cassette didn’t! I thought my J-card for Maiden England turned out pretty cool, using an old Seventh Son cover as its basis.
Unfortunately, this is all that remains of my old cassette art. I did some much more elaborate things, which Thunder Bay Girl probably tossed out. One was for Savatage’s Dead Winter Dead. When I recorded that one to cassette, I actually painted the gargoyle onto a J-card. Wish I kept that one. Rush’s Test For Echo may have been the most elaborate one I’ve done. Using some old cardboard and a full-page ad for the album, I created my own digipack for that cassette. It would be nice to still have. Ahh well.
It seems funny, in today’s age of mp3 files and players, that a format as crappy as cassette was anyone’s main format. But there you go. Before I could play CD’s in the car, they were the best way to bring music with me. I’ve always believed a music collection was for showing off as much as listening to, plus I enjoyed making the artwork. I’m glad some still survives today!
This is it! The end! In alphabetical order, here’s Part 4 of 4: 88 albums that meant the world to me in the 1990′s but never got the respect I felt they deserved. Thanks for joining in!
Savatage – Streets: A Rock Opera (sheer brilliance, their first and best rock opera)
Savatage – Edge of Thorns (an album to give Queensryche a run for their money)
Savatage – Handful of Rain (recovering from tragedy to create a triumph)
Savatage – The Wake of Magellan (how did this band just keep getting more brilliant?)
Scorpions – Face the Heat (had a couple good heavy rockers on there like “Alien Nation”)
Shaw/Blades – Hallucination (Tommy Shaw, Jack Blades, campfire goodness)
Skid Row – Subhuman Race (when you’re pissed off and you know it, bang thy head)
Sloan – 4 Nights at the Palais Royale (one of the best live albums of all time – ignored internationally)
Dee Snider’s SMF’s – Live / Forever Twisted (fuck, I missed Dee in the 90’s!)
Spinal Tap – Break Like the Wind
Stryper – Can’t Stop the Rock (a compilation with two great new tunes)
Sultans of Ping F.C. – Casual Sex in the Cineplex (see here)
Talas – If We Only Knew Then What We Know Now… (Billy Sheehan and the boys reunited for one night, and has the wisdom to record it)
Tesla – Bust A Nut (in some ways it’s better than their prior records)
Testament – The Ritual (really heavily slagged at the time as a sellout)
Tonic – Sugar (much better than the first record, you know, the one that was a hit)
Devin Townsend / Ocean Machine – Biomech (one of his more accessible albums)
Union – Union (Bruce Kulick + John Corabi = better than what the Crue or Kiss was releasing)
Steve Vai – Sex and Religion (Devin Townsend — lead throat)
Veruca Salt – Eight Arms To Hold You (their best album, better than the big hit one)
White Lion – Mane Attraction (it was a little mushy, but brilliant guitars by Vito Bratta)
Whitesnake – Restless Heart (back to his blues rock roots, it wasn’t even released here)
We’re done! 88 albums that meant a lot to me in the 1990’s, but in some cases were criminally ignored. Check them out.
Almost a decade after the movie, the “black album” (Smell The Glove), and the near-breakup, Spinal Tap returned! Even Marty DiBergi’s documentary could not keep Tap down, and setting aside their differences, they created this reunion album. Mostly new material with some oldies sprinkled in, Break Like The Wind was yet another masterpiece by the Tap.
The lineup was: David St. Hubbins (guitar, vocals), Nigel Tufnel (guitar, vocals) and Derek Smalls (bass, vocals) with new additions Ric (brother of Mick) Shrimpton (drums) and Caucasian Jeffrey Vanston (keys).
It turns out that previous keyboardist Viv Savage was a drummer prior to joining Spinal Tap. He failed to tell them this, and well, he befell the same fate as countless Tap drummers.
From the beginning, like so many Tap albums past, Break Like The Wind was misunderstood. The first single “Bitch School” was about a dog, but many chose a sexist interpretation. This simple rocker is an upbeat catchy single and indicative of the new Tap sound.
The regal “Majesty of Rock” is second. This track was chosen as second single. St. Hubbins dares to ask the deep questions within the framework of a 4 minute pop rock single. “When we die, do we haunt the sky? Do we lurk in the murk of the seas? What then? Are we born again? Just to sit asking questions like these?” An excellent question David.
I do not know why Nigel seemed prone to wearing wetsuits during this period.
Tap turn it up a notch on “Diva Fever”, a fast one to give Metallica a run for their money! A man named Dweezil plays the blistering guitar solo. What an odd moniker.
Just when you thought you could get none more regal, the queen herself, Cher, turns up to duet with David on the gorgeous ballad “Just Begin Again”. With strings and horns beside them, Tap deliver another classic.The lyrics are again deep: never give up, never surrender! Just begin again! As David says in the words, “Life is just a meal, And you never say when!” And if people stand in your way and say enough is enough? “Make the bastards eat their words!” says David!
Derek Smalls takes his first lead vocal on “Cash On Delivery”, a fun rocker advising the listener how Smalls prefers to do business. It rocks along nice.
This is followed by a remake on an old classic, “The Sun Never Sweats” the title track of course from the album The Sun Never Sweats. Nigel’s solo is among the highlights of this classic.
And then, a long lost rarity, “Rainy Day Sun”. It was the B-side to their hit “(Listen to the) Flower People”. Here it is released on CD for the first time, gloriously swirly, psychedelic, and digitally remastered. This ends side one of the original album. If you are listening to a CD, please do not attempt to remove and play the other side.
Side two began with Tap’s first epic since the mighty “Stonehenge”: “Break Like The Wind” itself. Melding middle eastern melody with modern instrumental flare, this one is surprisingly beautiful. Smalls’ bass weaves in and out, as David and Nigel play simple guitar melodies. But all comes crashing down by the time of the powerful guitar solos, and Tap rock once more!
As a surprise to their friend Nigel, the band erased most of his guitar solos and replaced it with other people playing! Four of the greatest guitarists of the 90’s stepped in for Nigel: Slash, Joe Satriani, Steve Lukather, and Jeff Beck. None more epic.
From there, Tap can only disappoint. “Stinkin’ Up The Great Outdoors”, a protest song, is worth protesting.
Nigel finally sings his first lead vocal on “Springtime”, a welcome change of pace. Nigel follows it with “Clam Caravan”, from his solo project. The title was supposed to be spelled “Calm Caravan”, but Nigel liked the misspelled version. “Clam Caravan” is another middle-eastern sounding song, and it lulls you off gently…
Only to be awakened by “Christmas With the Devil”! This is a re-recording of their classic Christmas single from the mid 1980’s. This sonically superior version is even more evil than the original. Happy holidays, to all the children!
The hidden track “Now Leaving” follows, questioning what life is worth if you’re on life support? All three members bring their thoughts to the table, but I think David asks the most eloquent question. “Shall he lie there forever with a tube up his nose, And his peepee and poopoo slipping out through a hose?”
I do not know David, I do not know.
Thankfully, these mortal thoughts are ended by the beginning of “All the Way Home”. You may remember from the film that this was the first song that David and Nigel ever wrote. Finally, their original 1961 demo was found and restored, and mastered for its CD release. This closes the album.
I do not know if the general public felt differently about this album than I do, for Tap did not release another album for 17 years!
LeBrain will always be straight with you when he doesn’t know something. I have had a few requests for a write up on Steel Panther. The problem is, I’ve never actually listened to Steel Panther. Maybe I should change that.
So I asked the infamous T-Rev, aka Trevor from the Record Store Tales to see if he could do a review. He could, and he did. Enjoy.
STEEL PANTHER: Feel the Steel (2009) & Balls Out(2011)
Steel Panther: Your New Favourite Band, by T-Rev
Michael Starr, Satchel, Lexxi Foxx, and Stix Zadinia are Steel Panther. The X-rated, Spinal Tap-esque modern day Hair band. Intent on bringing back Heavy Metal , with a sound that will impress any fan of the “hair” genre. Formed with ex-members of various metal bands in the 1990’s ( Rob Halford’s Fight, Paul Gilbert’s Racer X, and L.A. Guns!) originally as Metal Skool (yes…Metal’s Cool) in the early 2000’s, and a brief stint as Danger Kitty (getting some recognition on MTV and the Drew Carey Show). Feel the Steel, the first album as Steel Panther, stands out because of its period-correct guitar assaults, its bandana wearing 4-armed drummer and the spandex covered, lipstick sporting, teased hair bass player, (reminding me of Warrant circa Cherry Pie mixed with some early Motley Crue attitude!) and of course, its lyrics!
Feel the Steel has it all, killer riffs (often mimicking classic tunes of the past like “Fuck All Night, Party All Day’s” intentional resemblance to Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On A Prayer”) Hilariously refreshing lyrics (like the first time you ever heard “Fuck Her Gently” by the D) throw in some top notch guest star clout (Justin Hawkins duets with Michael Starr) and top it off with manufactured “rock star” personas (a la Spinal Tap), and you’ve got all the best parts of what a hair metal band should be…SEX & DRUGS & ROCK ‘N’ ROLL! Crazy stories of sex with asian hookers, sex with fat girls, sex with neighbours, and copious amounts of “blow”, all done in a way you’d never expect…even though it feels strangely familiar. Sounding like it came from 1989, but containing enough modern relevance to remind you it’s current. After about the first verse, I knew I was a fan for good. “Eminem can suck it, so can Dr. Dre, or they can suck each other…just because they’re gay” screams Starr on “Death To All But Metal”. “Two in the pink, one in the stink”describes the “Shocker” to newcomers. And “You’re the only girl that I like to screw…when I’m not on the road,” Michael reassures his girl on “Community Property”.
Balls Out, their sophomore effort, continues where F.T.S. left off. A lot of the same sexual scenarios, but the music seems to have picked up another gear, with more focus on riffage (bigger, faster, louder). The lyrics, however, are lacking the furious onslaught they had on F.T.S. Perhaps because the initial shock is over, now I expect it! There is more celebrity name-dropping than before…mentioning that Charlie Sheen “is winning in the bedroom upstairs”, and that Tiger Woods thinks “3 holes are better than a hole in one”. A good album upon first listen…just didn’t have the impact that Feel the Steel did on me. Having said that, this album grows on you…big time! Like any good album…it takes a while for their sauce to mix with yours!
I should also discuss Starr’s instrument…this guys voice is classic, vintage, powerful, cheesy, awesome, hilarious, and adaptive! Vocal range that would bring a tear to Dio’s eye, heartfelt (x-rated), ballads on par with anything Bon Jovi or Poison ever did, rockers that could have appeared on stage with the great Bon Scott! I don’t mean to come across as though I consider this band “flawless”, but, these guys are PRO’s! Certainly impressive musically…sometimes though, they sway over the cheese line a bit, and even take the lyrics too far, but all in all, I do love these albums. Afterall, isn’t it the cheese that we now love about 80’s metal?
You really get the feeling that these guys are true fans of metal, not just cashing in on the novelty of wearing spandex and makeup. Much like the ribbing the Darkness took during their invasion, some people misunderstood the flattery for ridicule. True fans see past the hair and hear the talent in the music…every time I listen to them, they get better! Like a drug that you can’t get enough of…you want to hear it again and again. In a world where Justin Beiber and Nickelback win music awards, this is a welcome addiction. A perfect mix of metal and comedy! Destined to become a staple at everyone’s annual “sausagefest”
Everybody always wanted to know how awesome it was to work in a record store. They all had this Empire Records idea of it when the truth is much closer to High Fidelity. I kind of considered myself a combination of the John Cusack and Jack Black characters. I ran the place like Cusack, but I was a Jack Black-like smartass. Black played a character named Barry. You know that scene where the guy in the suit is looking for the song, “I Just Called To Say I Love You”?
Customer: Hi, do you have the song “I Just Called To Say I Love You?” It’s for my daughter’s birthday.
Barry: Yeah, we have it.
Customer: Great great… Well, can I have it?
Barry: No, you can’t.
Customer: Why not?!
Barry: Because it’s sentimental tacky crap that’s why! Do we look like a store that sells “I Just Called to Say I Love You”? Go to the mall!
Customer: What’s your problem?!
Barry: Do you even know your daughter? There’s no way she likes that song! Oh oh oh wait! Is she in a coma?
Customer: Oh, okay buddy. I didn’t know it was Pick on the Middle-Aged Square Guy Day. My apologies. I’ll be on my way.
Barry: Buh-bye!
Customer: Fuck you!
I never quite went that far, but I was always fond of the subtle insults. I was also known for being stubbornly obtuse. Like for example, the guy who couldn’t pronounce “Triumph”. I knew very well what band he was looking for, but he kept saying, “Tramp”. He didn’t know how to spell it either. Just the very idea that he couldn’t spell nor pronounce the word “triumph”…how could I not have fun with that guy? I eventually sold him The Sport of Kings, when I felt like he’d earned it.
Spelling was an issue in this part of town. We had a lookup terminal where you could search for inventory on your own. The best question I ever got at that terminal was, “Mike, how do you spell ‘metal’? I don’t spell so good.”
In short, stuff grinds your gears just like it does at anybody’s job. There are times when you saw a number on call display and just did not want to answer. Just like any job. Annoying callers, annoying customers, lazy customers who made you do absolutely everything for them, including pick what they want to buy!
You had sales quotas just like any day job. You had responsibilities to get done. If they weren’t done, you can’t just say “we were really busy” if your sales numbers weren’t big. And you had to do things accurately. In any environment where you buy and sell used goods, you had to be sure of what you were buying and what you were paying for it. This is made just as difficult in a music store as anywhere else, due to the multiple versions, reissues, special editions, and imports of a CD that determine just what it’s worth. You could go from offering $2 to $20 for a single album, the exact same title, just a different version thereof.
Same album different versions, and none of these are even the standard version. How would you price them?
And customers really hated being told their discs were “too scratched to re-sell.” They really hated that one.
You got to listen to tunes all day, that was true. That is something that I thankfully still do today, thanks to the radio. I actually prefer the radio to choosing store play discs. You were so tightly constrained by various rules, which narrowed the scope. I actually loathed picking store play discs. If I was working to someone else, I often just said, “You pick, I’ll pick something later.”
Lo and behold, I still have a copy of the store play rules! I’m a packrat. I keep everything.
Forbidden bands list: Kiss, Rush, Frank Zappa, Spinal Tap, Dio, Judas Priest
Nothing heavier than Metallica’s “black” album
No musicals, no classical, no instrumental
Must play one new release in every shift
Must play 5 discs in shuffle mode, must never play album all the way through except in specific promotional cases
Each of the 5 discs must be a different genre
No songs with swearing
No rap
No comedy
Could only play discs that were in stock for sale instore
Jazz, soul, indy, and oldies were encouraged. Hard rock was especially discouraged.
Of course we broke the rules. If I knew there was no chance of getting caught, I’d bring in my own discs from home all the time. The best shift I ever had, I played all 5 discs of the Kiss box set, in a row! I played lots of shit with swearing, all the time. It wasn’t intentional of course, it’s just that sometimes a great album has swearing on it, and I like to listen to great albums. Sinatra at the Sands, for example.
We sold Sinatra at the Sands in minutes, by the way…by playing it instore.
I played Dio all the time when I could get away with it, even though he was strictly off limits.
I remember Tom walking in, during Holy Diver.
“Wow. That’s ballsy man,” he said.
I played Spinal Tap once, but one of my buddies got written up for doing the same thing. Seriously. That time I was playing Spinal Tap, there was this guy seriously rocking out to it. He didn’t look like a fan though. He walked up to me and said, “Sounds like you got some Sons of Freedom going on here!” Oops!
And I played heavy stuff too. I know I played Maiden in the store, any night I could. (Astute readers will recall that Maiden is where we started. Go back to Part 1 if you haven’t.) I remember two little kids laughing at Bruce Dickinson’s shrieking during a live take of “Fear of the Dark”. But, I also remember lots of cool kids in Kiss shirts, buying their first rock albums, and it was cool corrupting those kids.
So what did I have to complain about? Well, I only played those albums when I could get away with it. Which wasn’t often. There was usually someone in there store who could give you shit for it.
So you’d have to put up with the following: Much Dance xx, Big Shiny Tunes, TLC, Christmas music all day while seasonal, Dave Matthews band, Linkin Park, plenty of new country, and whatever was the flavour of the month at the time. There’s a reason I know entire albums inside and out by shitty band like The Dandy fucking Warhols. I could tell you every fucking song on the first two Coldplay CDs. I had the unfortunate fate of having to listen to the self titled album by Blur every fucking day for a month. There are bands that I legitimately like, such as Oasis and Kula Shaker, that I rarely play at home anymore because I have heard them so many Goddamn times. It sucks when you can’t stand music you actually like.
The record store will do that if you spend too many years there, and I spent too many years there. Gratefully, I love music again.
The worst thing about the record store though were the cliques, and from what I’ve heard, many record store were like this. You either fit in or you didn’t, and I definitely did not fit in. They were all into the latest indy rock bands, and all wore sunglasses. I’ve never been a sunglasses kind of guy. Indoors, I think they’re just pretentious. I tried, oh but I did try. I went to their shitty bars and drank and pretended to have a good time, but I just couldn’t pretend that I liked the Dandy fucking Warhols.
But, if I didn’t experience all that, I guess I wouldn’t be LeBrain!
mikeladano.com 