The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: Shinzon – Origins

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA


Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins

 ONE YEAR AGO…in hell…

Harrison, Tee Bone and Superdekes had defeated the Devil and were now signing his autograph book.  Harrison, however, had some reservations.

“Wait a minute,” he asked. “How do I know I’m not signing my soul over to you?”

Satan laughed. “Look, I may be the Devil, but the rules of contracts are very specific. For me to take your soul via a signed contract, the contract must be clear and understood by all parties. You signed my autograph book, that’s all. Look, check out page three.” The Devil magically flipped to the correct page. “That’s Elvis…”

Relieved, Harrison smiled and signed the book gingerly.  The Devil snapped his fingers and the three heroes began to fade.

“Bye guys…” waved Harrison to the other two. They both waved back as all three disappeared, leaving the Devil alone with his new treasures.

Moments later, the Devil snapped his long-nailed fingers again, and summoned an attendant.

“Did you get the DNA sample from the pen?” asked Satan.

“Yes, Great Satan.  A good sampling of the Australian’s DNA has been captured.  We are beginning the preservation process.”

“Good.  Good.  Not your soul, young Australian…just your genes!  Our buyer will send payment as soon as we confirm the DNA is intact.  And to think those hero fools now believe I was after their autographs!  A little Australian DNA, and it is money in the bank.”

Satan laughed.  Winning always made him laugh.

The following day, in space…

Darth Tyranus was a stranger in a strange land.  This was not his land.  This was not his life.  The last thing he remembered, Anakin Skywalker had defeated him in combat.  He lost both his hands to a lightsaber and was about to lose his head.  And then…and then…

And then he was summoned.  Plucked, rather, from his own timeline.  His own universe.  His own life.  He was freed from one master, only to serve a new one.  One with the power to skip through universes like a child skips through a puddle of water, and take what he wants without consequence or care.

And now, he waited, over one of the moons of Bogden, his new mechanical hands clenching in leather gloves.

This universe was an interesting one.  There were no Sith.  There were no Jedi.  Until now, there was no Tyranus.  There was an actor, named Christopher Lee, from a planet called Earth, who played a character called Tyranus.  But Tyranus did not exist here.  Not until his new master sent him.

Just as his universe was unique, split into dark and light, this one too was unique.  In this universe, super beings protected the innocent.  Darkness struggled to penetrate this universe, with its guardians ready to defend at any moment.  New ones were appearing almost regularly now.  Something had to be done.

Tyranus checked his chronometer.  His contact from the underworld would be here soon.  Tyranus was brought to this universe for a specific reason:  cloning.  His years of expertise, manipulating the Clone Wars, made him ideal for this job.  His master had provided him with cloning cylinders, and a Kaminoan lab.  In his time in this universe, Tyranus had studied its heroes and villains.  He had chosen allies to serve him.  His goal was simple.  His master had made it clear:  eliminate the heroes.  Especially the Earth heroes.

Especially Tee Bone Man.

And so he studied and studied.  He put elements in play like pieces in chess.  With his gift of foresight, he was able to see in advance the alliances these heroes would make.  He could interfere and manipulate events to set them in his favour.

The DNA sample would be here soon.  Then all would begin to unfold.

Perfectly on time, Satan’s envoy was arriving.  His craft was a saucer-shaped ship with a dome on top, and landing gear below.  It landed a short distance away, and a ramp slowly lowered in front.  Tyranus straightened his cape.  This was his first meeting with an envoy from Hell in person.

From out the flying saucer came a tattooed man with no shirt, ripped pants, and a skewed baseball cap.

“Duuuuuuuuude!” said the tattooed man.

“You may address me as Lord Tyranus,” he answered gruffly.  “You are Satan’s envoy?”

“Yeah dude!” said the man as he approached, package in hand.  “I’ve been Satan’s envoy since the Shout at the Devil album in 1983!  Payment received, and he said to give you this!”

He handed Tyranus a small, sealed, metal box.  The older man took it, waved a hand over a surface, and the box opened.  Inside was a ball-point pen.  He sealed the box once more with another wave.  He summoned a Kaminoan attendant, who took the box away.

“Well done,” he said to the tattooed man.  “You may tell your master Satan to continue his business, but to expect to be summoned again when needed.”  The tattooed man just looked back at him with a stupid grin on his face.

Tyranus had no patience.  “Your name!” he demanded.

“Dude, it’s me, Tommy Lee!” said the Motley Crue drummer gleefully.

“Get out of my sight, Lee!  Give your master my message.  And put on a tunic.”

“A what??”

“A shirt you fool!”  Tyranus lashed out, amplifying his voice with the Force.  With that, Tommy Lee hightailed it out of there.

Tyranus considered to himself what he had achieved this day.  “All is going according to plan.  The Australian was to be their greatest ally.  When I replace him with an evil clone, then Tee Bone Man and Superdekes will never achieve the power they are destined.”  He laughed.  His new master was much more powerful than his old.  He was all but doomed before, betrayed by Darth Sidious and maimed by Skywalker.  Here, he had a new start.

He just needed to ensure that Tee Bone Man was not his next Skywalker.

At that exact moment last year, in Australia…

Harrison Holden, otherwise known as El Moustachio, was rubbing a sore thumb.  There was a sharp piece of plastic on the edge of the pen that he used to sign his autograph back in Hell.  He thought little of it at the time, but after a hard day of assembling Lego pieces, it was starting to bother him.

He applied a bandage to his Australian thumb.  “Ah, my boomerang thumb,” he thought to himself.  No boomerang classes tomorrow for him!

He was excited by his new friendship with the Canadian lads, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.  They sure did have a good time saving the world.  He hoped it was not their last adventure.

A chill went up his spine.  What was that?  He shivered.  It was…cold…foreboding.

“Better get to bed,” he thought.  He played some Blaze Bayley through his headphones – Alive in Poland – and tucked himself in to bed.  As always, he made one wish at bedtime.

“I wish for more adventures with Superdekes and Tee Bone Man!  And maybe a cool pet that could fit inside a satchel.”

With that, he was off to sleep.  He had no idea that on a distant world, he had just been cloned!

Months after…

Tyranus watched events unfold on Earth.  The heroes were gaining strength.  They had brought into their fold now a wealthy but foolish man named Snow, with resources enough to fund the heroes’ every need.  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were gaining in might and knowledge faster than anticipated.  Superdekes in particular was making leaps and bounds of progress on the technological side.

Today, that would end.  His Australian clone had advance-aged to perfectly match the original.  Today was the day to open the cloning cylinder.

The plan had unfolded perfectly.  Satan provided them with a flawless, clean Australian DNA sample.  It was not much, just enough for one clone.  Tyranus only needed one clone.  All they had to do was turn on the evil gene.  A simple task for the Kaminoan cloners.  Turning on the evil gene was in fact the easiest thing to do in all of cloning.

It was time.  Tyranus made his way through winding corridors, to the cloning lab.  The metal doors whooshed open, and two tall-necked Kaminoans were diligently preparing the clone for his arrival.

“Have you opened the cylinder?” he asked.

“Not without you present, my master,” answered the first wide-eyed Kaminoan.

“Do it,” he commanded with relish.

Before them, a shining silvery cloning tube opened, with a rush of steam and the hiss of a broken seal.  They waited for the mist to clear, to get a good look at this Australian clone they had just created.

There it lay, eyes closed, but breathing.  A perfect duplicate of El Moustachio.  Indistinguishable.  Its hair was long, brown, silky, straight and smooth.  Just like the original.  Flawless.  Blemish-free in every way.

“Wait…wait…something is wrong,” said Tyranus.  The room fell eerie silent as the Kaminoans froze, waiting.  “Where is its moustache?” thundered the Sith lord.

A timid Kaminoan answered meekly.  “I am sorry, my master.  The DNA sample was uncontaminated, but the original donor had such strong moustache genes.  These strong moustache genes are extraordinarily complex and must be duplicated with exact precision, or the gene remains recessive.  There simply wasn’t enough donor DNA present in the sample to do it.”

The Sith lord closed one mechanical hand into a fist.

“This…will simply not do.  Do you understand?”

The Kaminoan looked down.  “Yes, master.”

There was a flash of a red lightsaber blade, and an alien head hit the ground with a sickening thud.  Tyranus strode out of the chamber with a furious twirl of his cape.  The remaining Kaminoan stayed still and quiet.

The clone awakened in its cylinder.  It rubbed its eyes.

“Who am I?  Where am I?  I feel…evil!” said the clone in a flawless Western Australian accent.

“You, sir, are the worst clone I ever made,” answered the Kaminoan.  “You are fortunate that the evil gene took hold, otherwise he might find you completely worthless.  Your cloning was a failure, and I will give you a deserving name for such a shamelessly poor clone:  Shinzon.”

The cloned looked taken aback by all this information, but being evil, nor having seen Star Trek: Nemesis, did not care very much.

“Shinzon…I like it.  Henceforth I shall be known as Shinzon.  I have a terrible urge to eat cabbage and build things out of Lego.  Is this normal?” asked the clone.

“For you, yes it is.  We have prepared a feast of cabbage for your arrival, though you certainly do not deserve it, for your failure to grow a moustache.”

“Can’t I just wear a fake moustache?” asked Shinzon.

The Kaminoan simply laughed.  “You can’t fake a good moustache.”

More months later…

“Looks like we’re going to Romania,” mused Deke.  Tee Bone Man, Deke and Harrison were at it again:  trying to save the world from the evil plots and schemes of the Great Satan himself.  The devil needed something, and our boys were not about to let him have it!

“What are we going to do with the Infernum record?” questioned Tee Bone Man.  “It would be foolish to take it with us.”

“I think the safest place for it is in El Moustachio’s hands,” Deke said, nodding to Harrison.

The Australian nodded back and surreptitiously put it in his bag. “I’ll defend it with my life,” El Moustachio avowed.

“Hopefully it won’t come to that,” Tee Bone said with a smile. “But we really have to be going now.”

“Of course. Good luck,” Harrison replied, with a wave as Deke fired up his motorbike. The two accelerated down the road, before shortly taking flight and disappearing into the atmosphere as Harrison watched on.  The Australian then set off for his house, but a feeling of unease set over him.  A chill went up and down his back.  Suddenly an image flashed into his mind.  As clear as day, he could see it!  Goosebumps raised on his arms as he could see in his mind’s eye, a mirror.  In front of that mirror he stood, solemn and alone.  But the face staring back at him wasn’t his.  Or, rather, it was — but cleanly shaven, baby smooth, like some bizarre anti-Harrison.

Harrison shook it off, as he entered his home once again.  “That was so strange.  I would never shave off my moustache.  But that felt so…real!”

His squirrel friend Ripper greeted him at the door, the perfect pet for fitting into a satchel, but Harrison was distracted by this strange vision that he simply could not explain.

That day, in Tyranus’ throne room…

“It is time, Lord Tyranus.  I believe Shinzon is ready to be the agent of evil that you need on Earth,” said the Kaminoan.

Tyranus sat on his throne and considered this.

“He could not even grow a moustache!  And you want me to send this Shinzon of yours to Earth anyway?” mocked Tyranus bitterly.  All those resources spent…wasted…on this moustache-less mockery that calls itself Shinzon.”

“Yes, mi’lord,” answered the Kaminoan.  “I believe he is ready to prove himself.”

Tyranus considered this.  He placed a gloved hand upon his white beard and stroked.

“Very well.  Send him in.  I will test him, myself.”

With that the Kaminoan summoned the moustache-less Australian to the throne room.  Moments later, Shinzon stood before his master, hair silky smooth and freshly perfect.

“You summoned me, Lord Tyranus?” bowed Shinzon.

“Yes.  Have you been been informed of the mission that you have been suggested to lead?” asked a sceptical Tyranus.

“I have, my lord,” answered the clone.  “I am ready.”

Suddenly Tyranus lunged forward.  “Then prove it!”  His red lightsaber ignited, and missed Shinzon by two hairs, as he ducked just in time out of the way, and rolled across the floor.

Shinzon was on the ground now with Tyranus swiftly moving in his direction.  “Prove that you are worthy to serve me!” barked the Sith lord as he threw his lightsaber at Shinzon like a boomerang.

The clone rolled away again and laughed.  Standing, he drew his own boomerang.  “You’ll have to do better than that, Tyranus.  I’m an Australian clone!”  He hurled his boomerang with a mighty right, but Tyranus dissected the projectile with his lightsaber.

“Boastful, arrogant and foolish!” taunted Tyranus.  “Show me your anger!  Show me your hate!  Use them!”

Shinzon gritted his teeth and focused on the pain.  The pain of rejection from this man, this evil entity called Tyranus.  Faster than the eye could see, he drew a blaster.  He fired the sidearm in a blur, but Tyranus easily deflected the blast.

“Good…your hate is making your powerful!  Now, strike the killing blow!” instructed Tyranus.

This time Shinzon pushed a button on his chest and activated a light.  An intense, blinding light that took Tyranus by surprise.  He covered his eyes too late, deactivating his lightsaber, but temporarily blinded.  It took him a second, thanks to the shock of pain in his eyes, but he reached out with the Force — too late.  Shinzon was already at his neck with a blade and a blaster at his temple.

“Check, mate!” said Shinzon.

“Stalemate,” countered Tyranus.  He blinked as sight started to return.  His lightsaber hilt was at Shinzon’s head.  It was stalemate indeed.   Each combatant slowly disarmed and backed off.

“Good.  Good…you have passed this test, Shinzon.  You may yet prove your worth.  Go to Earth.  Be instructed well.  You are not to confront or interfere with Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.  If you alert them to our existence, then all will be for nothing.   I do not trust you:  I trust no-one who cannot grow a moustache, you failed clone,” warned Tyranus.

“To be fair mi’lord, it is turning out that he is remarkably evil, and quite good at all things Australian.  He will blend in on Earth just as well as the original,” said the Kaminoan attendant.

Tyranus stood dismissively.  “Assign Shinzon to one of the lesser heroes.  The Van Heelin’ woman, perhaps.  Perhaps…perhaps we can use her, in our plans against Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, if he is capable.”

“It shall be done, mi’lord,” said the Kaminoan.  Shinzon nodded his agreement.

“Good.  Contact Satan.  Get him to send his envoy once more, to bring Shinzon to Earth.  Give him access to all the technological resources, from every universe, that we have.”

The Kaminoan nodded its long neck and left the room.  Shinzon lingered a moment, glaring at Tyranus, before turning and exiting.

Tyranus sat, rather satisfied with himself.  Sending Shinzon to deal with the Van Heelin’ woman might serve one purpose, but if Shinzon could figure out a way to manipulate her against Tee Bone Man, then perhaps this cloning misadventure was not the waste that it appeared to be.

Earth.  Present Day.

Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were concerned.  Deep furrows of worry had formed in Superdekes’ face.  Tee Bone Man was constantly rubbing the bridge of his nose where headaches liked to go.  They were only beginning to connect the dots.  Through their mutual friend Mike the Brainiac, Tee Bone and Superdekes had made contact with another superhero on the west coast named Edie Van Heelin’.  While they successfully formed an alliance, it also brought Tee Bone and Deke into a larger world.  They had just become aware that evil powers from several levels higher than any they had dealt with before were now actively seeking to destroy them both.

They did not know much.  Deke had scribbled charts and diagrams on sheets of paper scattered on his desk.  Everything seemed to lead to a dead end.  The biggest lead they had was this Shinzon character.

Neither Deke nor Tee Bone Man had dealt with him directly, but Van Heelin’ and Brainiac had.  Shinzon had access to technology seemingly from the future, and he definitely reported to a higher power.  A higher power that had yet to reveal itself.  They also knew that Tommy Lee had allied himself as a lacky of Shinzon, and could not be trusted.  To be on the side of caution, Nikki Sixx, Vince Neil and John 5 were all also considered compromised.

“Think we should call it a night, Deke?” yawned Tee Bone.

“Yeah buddy, I don’t think we’re going to wrap up this case tonight.  There’s definitely a ‘Big Bad’ at the end of all this.  And that entity is definitely more than meets the eye.  That’s about all I can surmise at this moment.  Not very reassuring, I know,” yawned Deke in return.

“We do have this,” added Tee Bone as he tucked his glasses away and pulled a piece of paper from a shirt pocket.  “I’ve asked some friends of ours if they’d be willing to join the fight.  Join the Northern Lights.  Here’s the list of respondents.”  He handed Deke the paper, who peered down over his glasses.

“Wow…big names here.  Max the Axe…Bernard the Knight…King of the Sharks…Kevin the Mars Man…Snowman on financial support…Jex Rambo…the Durling Foundation…Brainiac…and Common Knowledge?  What’s he on this list for!?”

“Sorry, I accidentally copied him on the email chain.  He said yes, but I told him we were already full up!”

“Hah,” said Deke.  “Good call, if it was down to him or me, well, he’d be all yours pal!”  They both laughed at Tee Bone’s mis-sent email.  “There’s one name missing from this list,” added Deke with a somber tone.  “El Moustachio.”

Tee Bone looked down.

“Whereabouts still unknown.  I know he’d be with us if he could be.  Which is what concerns me the most.  He’d be here…which means he’s really in big trouble.”

Deke nodded in sad agreement.  “Are all these people on this list looking for him too?”

Tee Bone answered in affirmative.  “All but Max the Axe.  He’s looking for a new VCR.  Probably for the better.  We need to keep him at arm’s length or next thing you know, we’ll forget what we were all doing in the first place.”  Tee Bone paused a moment before they retired for the night.  “Listen…as impressive as some of the names on that list are…we’re going to need more.  I don’t know where to find them.  It was Shinzon’s blunder that put us in contact with Edie Van Heelin’ in the first place.  If there are other heroes in this universe, we’re going to need to find them ourselves.”

“Agreed,” said Deke.  “Strength in numbers.”

“We got the touch, we got the power,” said Tee Bone with a fist bump.  “G’night.”

Space.

Shinzon was aboard his personal spaceship, about to meet with Tyranus face to face for the first time since leaving the moons of Bogden.  Though he was always calm and stoic on his exterior, his insides were boiling in fear.  Tyranus would not be happy, for Shinzon had failed him.  Again.

Tyranus always saw him as a mistake, an abomination, garbage that should have been disposed of.   And this could be time for Tyranus to do just that.

His assignment was to set Van Heelin’ against Tee Bone Man and destroy them both.  Instead, he had created an alliance between them.  The worst possible outcome for Shinzon.  It was really all the Brainiac’s fault; the one factor nobody considered.  And Shinzon would have his revenge on the Brainiac.  It will come.

He thought a moment.  “What if…what if I simply…don’t go back to Bogden?  What if I don’t report back to Tyranus?  My chances are better in space, than with him.  Let him deal with Tee Bone and Van Heelin’ himself.  See how easy he finds it.”

Studying his starcharts, he made a choice.  With that, he changed course.

“Mars.  The Martians are not sympathetic to Tee Bone Man.  I’ll lay low on Mars for a while before I make my next move.”

An uncertain future ahead, Shinzon headed back to the Sol system.  It was not his home, yet it was.  On Mars he would be a stranger in a strange land once again.  But at least he would be free from Tyranus’ yoke.

For now.

The end.

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

  • Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
  • Noirison Part One (By Holen) Coming soon
  • The Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven (by 80sMetalMan) TBA
  • Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp) TBA
  • The Death of… (By LeBrain) TBA
  • The Fate of… (By LeBrain) TBA

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

 

 

 

REVIEW: KISS Starchild “BlownUps!” review with laser light show (Paul Stanley Weeble Wobble)

From the  Dressed To Kill line by Jabberwocky Toys

5/5 star(child)s

Gallery: Have you ever seen the moon set?

July 21, 2023, 11:10 PM, Kincardine Ontario.  Total coincidence but “Moon Voices” by Max Webster was actually playing.

Birthday Bonanza on Grab A Stack of Rock with Harrison, Tim, Aaron & Grant!

Thank you Grant, Aaron, Tim & Harrison for celebrating my birthday with me!  We did a Nigel Tufnel Top Ten – Mike’s favourite birthday years.  We showed off all his gifts this year, and looked at photos and gifts from years past.

Tim treated us to a guitar solo, and the guys had cool stuff to show us as always.  Aaron’s signed Mystique poster was a highlight!

Lastly, Mike unboxed the new Grab A Stack of Rock theme song picture disc by vinyart.co.  Tee Bone Erickson’s first vinyl.  Now I need him to sign it!  Thanks for celebrating everyone!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1981

  • Lego Technic Bulldozer set #856 from 1979 – “best present ever!”

1984

  • Michael Jackson – Thriller
  • Culture Club – Colour By Numbers

Transformers – Skywarp and Windcharger – my very very first two!

MOVIE:  Saw The Last Starfighter for Bob’s birthday.

1985

Transformers – Slag (Dinobot)

GI Joe Dragonfly, Cobra A.S.P.

1987

  • All four KISS solo albums
  • Ozzy Osbourne – Tribute
  • AC/DC – Who Made Who

1988

  • Iron Maiden – Iron Maiden
  • Judas Priest – Ram It Down
  • Scorpions – Savage Amusement

MOVIE:  Saw Spaceballs for my birthday.

1989

  • The Cult – Sonic Temple
  • Kim Mitchell – Rockland

1990

MOVIE:  Saw Total Recall for my birthday.

1991

  • Extreme – Pornograffitti
  • Van Halen – For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge

1992

  • Queensryche – “Anybody Listening?” CD single
  • The Cult – Live at the Lyceum cassette
  • Faith No More – Angel Dust

1993

  • Spock shirt
  • Ozzy Osbourne – Live & Loud (grille cover)

1994

  • Alice Cooper – The Last Temptation
  • Alice Cooper – Nobody Likes Me

1999

  • The entire Max Webster studio album discography

2001

  • The complete Stanley Kubrick DVD collection

Grab A Stack of Birthday Cake with Mike and the Mad Metal Man – Happy birthdays to us! (Special guest Grant Arthur)

GRAB A STACK OF ROCK With Mike and the Mad Metal Man

Episode 29:  Happy Birthdays to Us!

It’s that time of year again!  We didn’t celebrate last year, because the LeBrain Train ended on July 15 2022.  But we’re back and we’re celebrating 2023 in style.  Join us, won’t you?

Special guest for this show will be Grant Arthur of Grant’s Rock Warehaus!  Thanks for celebrating with us!

We are expecting lists!  Unboxings and de-packagings!  What are the best birthday gifts you’ve ever received?  Mike will be listing, year by year, the most memorable albums he received for birthdays past, from 1984 to the 1990s, everything that he can remember!  He even still has a few of the oldest ones to show you.  What are the best albums you have received for your birthday?

Please join the party tonight.  We’ll be ready to bring it!

Friday July 21 at 7:00 P.M. E.S.T. / 8:00 P.M. Atlantic.  Enjoy on YouTube or on Facebook!

#1074: Have You Played Atari Today?

A sequel to #653: The Reset King (Music and Gaming and other stories)

RECORD STORE TALES #1074: Have You Played Atari Today?

The Atari 2600 might have been the dominant video game system in our childhood lives in the early 80s, but it was far from “the best”.  Intellivision offered better graphics.  Colecovision was also impressive, and had a pretty good home version of Donkey Kong.  Atari had a greater breadth of games available, though its graphics were pitiful by comparison.  Atari boasted the blockiest graphics on the market!  Did we care?  Well…yes!  We did care about graphics, but we also wanted all our favourite games on one system:  Pac-Man, Asteroids, Defender, Space Invaders, Centipede, The Empire Strikes Back, Frogger…all of them.  Though it should be noted, it was the parents who chose the video game systems in the neighbourhood, and price was also a major factor.

Domo arigato, parents of Owen Avenue, for spoiling the shit out of all the kids.

We had a 2600.  The Schippers had a 2600.  The Szabos had a 2600.  George Balazs had a 2600.  The Morrows had a 2600.  The only kids that didn’t have a 2600 were the weirdos (just trust me) across the street, the uber-religious Dolph family, who had a Commodore Vic 20.  With so many families in the neighbourhood owning the same systems, borrowing games was commonplace.  The typical length of a game borrow from a neighbour was three days.  Just enough time to get pretty good at a game, and often enough, to get bored with it as well.

No, those old Atari games didn’t have a lot of longevity.  Most of them got a little monotonous after a certain number of plays.  The games barely had any memory at all, so things tended to get…repetitive, shall we say.  Most Atari video games just got faster as you played, repeating the same screens and obstacles.  Eventually, you got fed up and died.  Then you pulled out the cartridge to put in something else, because you were sick of that game!

The truth is, as iconic as the Atari was, we were often disappointed with their actual adaptations of the games.  We did our research.  We read reviews in video game magazines, and we watched reports on TV.  We all knew in advance that we would be disappointed in E.T the Extraterrestrial well before we received it for Christmas in 1982.  But we tended to get the games anyway, because we liked to try the games ourselves…and sometimes the choices weren’t really all that great!  Occasionally, the low rated games like Combat and Adventure were our favourites.  E.T., not so much.  I know we received E.T. for Christmas….

Christmas!  Atari and Christmas…they went hand in hand.  Every Christmas, my uncle and aunt from Stratford would come to stay over.  There was a nice finished room in the basement with a pull-out couch bed.  Unfortunately…the Atari and TV were also down there!  Which meant, when my sister and I inevitably woke up at, like, 5 AM to see what Santa got us (Atari games), we had to wait and wait to go downstairs to play them.  Often we’d wake them up by constantly checking to see if they were awake.

So many disappointments back then!  Pac-Man?  That goes without saying.  Beyond minor things like the annoying clangy sound effects and messed up colours, they also changed the layout and orientation of the maze.  Usually Pac-Man’s escape tunnels are on the sides.  Atari put them on top and bottom of the screen, which really felt wrong.  It wasn’t…terrible…I mean, Pac-Man was still eating pellets, being chased by ghosts, before chasing them after eating a power pill.  Same idea just…really poorly executed.

E.T. was all but unplayable at anything but the easiest difficulties, without agents and doctors chasing you.  It was also extremely annoying, as you searched a large multi-screen play area for your phone’s pieces and the location of your spaceship’s eventual landing pad.  The landscape was dotted with pits.  Aren’t they all?  Common problem in the suburbs.  E.T. constantly falls in these pits, costing him energy when he levitates out of them.  What, you don’t remember that scene from the movie?

Here’s the thing though.  It was ironic that even though actor Henry Thomas was pictured on the box for E.T. the Atari game…Thomas himself was contracted by rival Intellivision, selling their system in TV ads!  This irony was not lost on my dad, who thought we should have bought the system that Elliott himself was hawking on TV.

Indiana Jones’ Atari adaptation fared marginally better.  Now this was a game we were able to beat, thanks to a detailed step-by-step instruction booklet.  Yet…the game had no relation whatsoever to the movie.  Oh sure, your character kinda looked like Indy with a brim-hat shaped head, but…when did Indy need to find a grenade to throw at a wall exposing a cave?  When did he need to retrieve an Anhk (Vinnie Vincent fan?) to…oh shit, you know what?  I cannot remember the convoluted plot to this game!  There were caves with weird cells you could get trapped in.  There was a cliff over a jungle, filled with thieves and tsetse flies.  There was a black market where you could buy bullets and the all-necessary shovel to eventually dig for the Ark of the Covenant.  There was also a “lunatic” there who would kill you instantly if you passed him.  Eventually you find the map room, which has a narrow walkway you must not fall off, and if you are in the right spot at the right time with the right item activated, eventually the sun will come out and illuminate a specific mesa on a map that is concealing the Ark!  You remember the mesa scene in the film, right?  Indy must jump from mesa to mesa using his whip, an annoyingly frustrating task.  Then, he must parachute off the mesa, and maneuver past an annoying treebranch, into a little hole in the side of the mesa.  There, you must…dodge aliens…and go to the bottom of the screen where there is a mound of dirt.  If you have acquired a shovel, then you can dig for the Ark.  Just like in the movie.

It took us forever to beat some of these games.  Of course, most Atari games back then didn’t have endings.  Most just kept going on, getting faster and faster until you “died”.  Some that did have proper endings included Adventure (another bizarre and primitive quest game), Haunted House, and E.T.

Despite the numerous…ahem…pitfalls of trying to find a decent Atari 2600 video game, there were some exceptions:  A handful of truly great games on that primitive system.  Many of these were made by another company called Activision.  Activision typically made the best 2600 games, and had a really cool unified line of box art.  Best of all, their video games were original concepts. Pitfall was one of the best games for any system of the era.  A huge side scrolling adventure and treasure hunt, this game saw “Pitfall Harry” seeking gold and diamonds in the jungle, trying to navigate a series of obstacles such as fire, scorpions, rolling logs, quicksand, and alligators.  You could try taking a shortcut through the tunnels below, but you’ll get there eventually just by falling through a pit!  Activision really had a hit with Pitfall, but there were so many more.   Chopper Command had you piloting a really cool helicopter, taking out both ground and air enemies in a side scroller where you had full control.  River Raid scrolled upwards without any control on the player’s part.  You had side-side freedom of movement, and a lethal forward gun.  The necessity of stopping for fuel was a unique and challenging aspect.  There was a clever game called Dolphin that involved the concept of sonar, and listening for tones to know your next move – which you must make in an instant.  Many of these games came out later in the Atari’s life.  That system really had legs.  We were still playing it into 1986.  Eventually, the Nintendo NES supplanted it.

Graphics and simplicity aside, the Atari 2600 had one weakness we don’t often hear about.  It is generally said that the Atari had the superior controller over the Coleco and Intellivision systems.  Intellivision had a sleek controller with a directional disc instead of a joystick,  Coleco’s joystick was stubby and uncomfortable.  Atari’s was just right.  It fit perfectly in your hands, with a smooth-moving rubber-covered stick and a single “fire” button.  Definitely the easiest, if simplest, of the controllers.  But it was not sturdy.  Inside that rubber outer shell was a fragile plastic skeleton.  It only took my cousin, Captain Destructo, one visit to destroy two controllers.  They were never the same after that.  You could try to fix them, glue the inner frames back together, but the joystick’s response became mushy, as the frame flexed more easily in the weak spots.  Eventually they’d break again.  I think we went through six joysticks in total, including some third party models.

The Atari didn’t just have joysticks.  It also had paddles – basically a wheel and a button.  These paddles were wired in pairs, so some paddle-based games could have up to four players.  Warlords was one such Atari game.  The paddles were used for rapid side-to-side motion necessary for pong-like games such as Breakout.  There was an addictive variant called Circus that was a lot of fun as well.

Then we had Star Raiders, the game I saved and saved and saved up to buy.  The first cheque I ever wrote might have been for Star Raiders.  It was expensive because it came with a third controller:  a number pad.  We always imagined what Atari could do with that number pad in new games going forward…but they never did.  Star Raiders was a first person shooter that had you defending yourself from TIE Fighters and “Zylon” (Cylon) Basestars (I’m not kidding), while managing your shields, and warping in and out of different zones.   As you take on damage, your shields, weapons and sensors can malfunction.  Hopefully you have enough energy to warp to homebase and get repairs, before the enemy fleets destroy it!  Though the combat scenes could be difficult, and annoying asteroids were frequent, it was an immersive game.  The hum of your engines, the glow of your shields…the game did the best it could for what the Atari 2600 was capable of.  In many respects this was a highpoint for the whole system.

The many hours and Christmases spent in the basement playing Atari peaked at the end of 1984.  December 26th, in fact.  While playing Atari in the basement, my best friend Bob “The Reset King” Schipper introduced me to something new called Iron Maiden.  Life was never the same after that.  Video games took a sudden back seat to cassette tapes.

Still, even after music took over, Atari had a comeback later in the 80s when I acquired Activision’s excellent simulator, Space Shuttle.  By this time, I was in highschool.  This intricate little game was impossible to win without paying exact attention to the instructions, and taking the precise steps in the correct order as needed.  Just like a real shuttle launch.  Landing it was even harder!  Once you got the hang of it though, you couldn’t help but beam in pride at landing a space shuttle!

Even though Atari’s successor, Iron Maiden, taught me not to waste my time searching for those wasted years, I don’t look at those days in the basement playing Atari to be wasted time.  While my skin may have grown pale playing Armor Ambush in the dark, I had a damn good time.  And what’s wrong with a kid having fun and creating good memories in his own way?

Absolutely nothing.  Have you played Atari today?

Happy Birthday to Me! (VIDEO: The Adventures of Mike and Bob set to music)

I always think of my best friend growing up, Bob, on my birthday. Our birthdays are only 10 days apart, so for us, July was a busy month full of music new and old.  We always gave each other music.  The last birthday we celebrated together was 1991 as I recall, and he gave me Van Halen’s For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge on CD.  Same copy I still own today.

My favourite birthday memory might actually be his party in 1984.  He was into Marvel comics limited series because they were easy to collect, and he loved The Last Starfighter, which was three issues.  Obviously we had to go see the movie.  His parents took us to Mother’s Pizza for dinner and then to the movie.  “It’s better than Star Wars!”  I raved back home.

This year on my birthday I’d like to share this new video I made from Mike and Bob’s Cross Kitchener Adventure.  I set it to the Gene Simmons song “Waiting For the Morning Light”, written by Gene and Bob Dylan.  (Don’t ask why I set it to that song.)  I hope you enjoy this nostalgic music video from about 9 months before Bob gave me that Van Halen CD!

Major events on this date:  Deep Purple broke up in 1976!

If you would like to celebrate this year’s birthday with Harrison and I, you can do that live this Friday at 7:00 PM on Grab A Stack of Rock!  Please join us, won’t you?

 

REVIEW: Arkells – Morning Report (2016 CD)

“Hey, Nurse Kat!” I asked on Twitter one summery afternoon. “I already have and love High Noon and Michigan Left by the Arkells. What album should I buy next?”

“Morning Report,” answered Nurse Kat.

“Morning Report,” answered Nurse Kat’s friend.

“Ordered!” I responded.

In sum:  Nurse Kat and her friend were right.

4.5/5 stars

Wait wait wait…that’s not how we do reviews around here!  OK folks, let’s get ready to dive deep.  Coffee:  heated.  Let’s go.

ARKELLS – Morning Report (2016 Last Gang)

First of all I will preface all of this by saying that this album and this band has recently helped me get through a rough patch, so there is a certain attachment that I have made with Morning Report that colours everything I will say about it.  The fact that it made that connection is the important part.  An album that connects, that’s special.  That’s for life!

Here’s the interesting thing.  For an album I love so much, I don’t particularly care for the first two tracks!  I also find the closer underwhelming, but that leaves nine tracks of pure awesome to gush over.  But first, let’s get the opening pair out of the way.

I don’t particularly like when the Arkells get too much into modern mainstream pop, because I do not care for modern mainstream pop.  The opening pair “Drake’s Dad” and “Private School” would fall in this category for me.  Having said this, both songs have awesome choruses.  “Drake’s Dad” has a powerful soul/gospel chorus of “I just wanna hold you, so high!” that raises the roof.  It also has a lush arrangement with strings and samples.  “Private School” has a fun hook of “Ah, fuck off, don’t say I’d do the same!”  Silly fun.

The serious stuff starts with track #3, “My Heart’s Always Yours”.  This suave pop rock ballad just hits all the feels.  Max Kerman has a way with words and I’m certain that the ladies love him for it.  Though keyboards are the prominent hook-delivering instrument, the pure passion and panache of this song just elevates it to the clouds.  A brilliant song, made indelible in the brain and heart!

Things get even better on “Savannah”, the fast acoustic-based song with killer lyrics.  “She was named after, she was named after her dad’s favourite city.  I was named after, I was named after the fact…”  How does Max come up with this stuff?!  He paints a picture of characters, often female, coming in and our his life.  He tells their stories, often depicting musty old apartments, messy beds, and empty refrigerators.  Musically, “Savannah” is even better.  It’s powerful and it has a trumpet solo, so what more could you want?  The chorus is probably the most immediate one on the album.

Then…get ready for chills, for it is time for “Passenger Seat”, the most haunting song on the album and easily one of the most chill-inducing I’ve ever heard.   But then the chorus comes, with Max in a high falsetto, accompanied by sparse piano and keyboard effects.  “Driving on the highway home, this time alone, doesn’t mean the same without you.  I turn on the radio, to something slow, just to let it fuck with my mood…but songs don’t sound the same without you in the passenger seat.”  Who can’t relate to that?  (People without driver’s licenses I suppose.)

Brightness returns on “Making Due”, the song that really means something to Nurse Kat.  I can see why.  The music is pure uplifting magic, and the lyrics cut clean through.  A sunny guitar hook opens the track, and then Max delivers some of his best melodies and words to date.  That falsetto really nails the hooks home.  Favourite lines:  “I thought we made a deal, you were crossin’ your fingers!”  Or  “Got a pulse, but there’s a few beats missin’.”

Acoustics come to the fore on “Round and Round”, a folksy number (at first) that serves to bridge two very upbeat pop songs.  The band comes in partway and it becomes a little more late Beatles-y in a weird way.  Horns come blastin’ through, then synth, and it becomes something else entirely: something birthed in the early 80s, but talking about MuchMusic’s Electric Circus TV show circa 1999.  An interesting track that is more than meets the ear.

“Hung Up” is impossible not to dance to.  “The gatekeepers are keepin’ me out, let me in!  Who made you the president, well fucker?”  The horns also return, along with the synth, creating a modern pop rock classic.  And I just love Max Kerman’s trio of “Well fucker?” at the end of the song.  (Also listen carefully for a reference to “Fake Money” from the prior album High Noon.)  No folks, he may be no Axl Rose, but Max Kerman is not afraid of dropping F-bombs right and left.  Fortunately I’m easily entertained and I find his use of the word (usually) effective and not overdone.

The beautiful “Come Back Home” is a quieter, slow ballad, with a thrumming bassline that provides a dreamy foundation, like a pillow.  “All would be forgiven if you’d come back home,” begs Max.  “‘Cause I just wanna be yours again.”  Filled with regret, Max is looking for reconciliation.  Morning Report could in fact be a concept album about shattered relationships and our reactions to them.  “And I thought about all the ways I could hurt you, to even the score of feelin’ deserted.”

The upbeat moods return on “A Little Rain (A Song for Pete)”.  Max has indicated he’s probably an atheist in past lyrics, but here he says “I stumbled in St. Peter’s Cathedral, there I was.  I never tried religion but man, I’ll try anything once.”  I can’t tell if this song is about someone name Pete, or if Max is singing as if he’s having conversations with St. Pete himself.  It means whatever you want it to!  This incredibly catchy tune has a fun, bouncy beat and a suitable synth riff to go with it.  Drummer Tim Oxford is definitely an underrated percussionist who doesn’t play it simple and always has catchy fills.

A slower but powerful song called “And Then Some”  is next to last.  The romantic dreamer is so good!  “And I love every inch of you, and then some and then some.”  Beautiful song and I can’t help but think of Tom Cochrane on the chorus.  Something about Max’s delivery sounds like the Red Rider frontman.

Strangely, after all this power, all these hooks, and thick arrangements, the final song is very different from anything else.  Quiet, understated and short, “Hangs the Moon” is like a coda.  The arrangement is very bare, and Max’s voice is the main feature.  The Arkells occasionally choose interesting, unconventional closing songs, and this is one.  It works, but it’s not among my favourite songs on the album.

For me, Morning Report is 9/12 awesome songs, with 3 that are not bad but not my bag.

Morning Report is an album that I have listened to intensely for the last couple months, and has made a permanent impression on my soul.  With Max’s lyrics tattooed on my heart, my score will come as no surprise.

4.5/5 stars

Thanks Nurse Kat and friend for the recommend.

 

#1073: An Hour of Radio in the Morning (2014)

I decided like Aaron to cover an hour in the morning, so it’s not too different from the programming he heard.  If I had done an afternoon, there would be some LeBrain promos on Marko’s show, but I chose the Midday Lockdown with DJ Patrick Dynamite.

PATRICK DYNAMITE 10:00 – 11:00 Aug 12 2014

  1. Oasis – “Don’t Look Back in Anger”

Station ID

  1. Def Leppard – “Pour Some Sugar On Me” (single mix)

Patrick announces Kiss/Def Leppard show tonight, and upcoming songs.  “Here’s Kiss from ’79’s Dynasty, thanks for rockin’ with Dave.”  Knew the album and year – bonus.  (The computer doesn’t always give them this info because it often pulls songs like this from a greatest hits CD.)

  1. Kiss – “I Was Made For Lovin’ You”

Station ID for morning show (5 seconds)

  1. Big Wreck – “A Million Days” – great guitar solo often mistaken for Steve Morse! (CanCon)

Patrick announces contest to win tickets to Alice In Chains/Monster Truck next week.  Also meet and greet!

COMMERCIALS: Funny clip from morning show, Tim’s, car loan, auto parts, lawyer, Athletic Club, Waterloo Brewing Company, Seagram coolers, station ID.

  1. Trooper – “We’re Here for a Good Time (Not a Long Time)” – first song I could skip. (CanCon)

Station ID for “new rock” – Theory of a Dead Man.

  1. Theory of a Dead Man – “Drown” – crappy post-grunge. (CanCon)

Patrick announces chance to win the last Dave FM Backyard Bash for the summer.  Party for 20 plus a new patio set.

COMMERCIALS:  Tim’s, Hyundai, arrive alive (drive sober), Moparfest.

Patrick – weather

  1. The Police – “Synchronicity II” – awesome tune

LEGENDS OF CLASSIC ROCK with Jeff Woods – Eric Clapton throws a legendary party in ’79:  the Beatles reunion that never was, because Lennon didn’t know.

  1. The Beatles – “Come Together”

Station ID (5 seconds)

  1. Three Days Grace – “Chalk Outline” – more crappy post-grunge. (CanCon)

Patrick – recaps the last songs, announces Alice Cooper concert on Halloween in Kitchener!  Pre-sale info available for Dave FM members.

COMMERCIALS:  Dave FM ride to end Multiple Sclerosis, debt resolution, Subway, auto sales, Fido, drivercheck.ca, Moxy’s, an evening with Alice Cooper, station ID.

  1. Triumph – “Magic Power” (CanCon)

Station ID (about 30 seconds)

  1. AC/DC – “TNT”

 

Mostly New, But All Awesome! The Grab A Stack of Rock theme video has been heavily revised!

*pictured above: Gimli, the secret star of the show

Folks, I am so proud of this new show intro! Grab A Stack of Rock is almost at 30 episodes, so the show intro should consist of entirely original footage, should it not? Yes it should!  I’ve finally removed all the old footage and guests from the LeBrain Train shows (I think?) with two exceptions; both clips of original music videos that we still play frequently today.

There are more clips and less photos – the new version is faster and far less static. This means it takes an hour or so to load all the files into my editor, but it’s worth it when the results come out this good.

Our fans and Sarre have spoken, and they want more music and more lists on this show. We’re gonna bring ’em to ya baby.

I want to thanks Harrison Kopp for being awesome support and my rock of a co-host. I wanna thank Jex Russell for bringing a new energy to the show. I wanna thank Rob, John, Tim, Aaron, and Marco for helming some great episodes with me. Dr. K, Grace Scheele, Spenny Rice and Nurse Kat have been generous with their time and made their own episodes something really special to watch. Uncle Meat sparked the concept of this show and he’s in the new theme video too. He did after all make some cameo appearances on special occasions. Also a special thanks to Grant Arthur for welcoming me on his Rock Warehaus and helping me stay focused.

Spoilers:  There’s a new revision coming in a couple weeks with a new opening, but I’m waiting for a specific “prop” to come in the mail.  You’ll see!

Thanks for watching folks.