humour

Part 255: ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

Here we are on the 24th.  Have you done all your shopping?  Bought all the wine and food?  Then settle in for the last update before Christmas.  I always take a break from posting at this time, so check back in a few days and I’ll have fresh content again for you soon.  Enjoy this Record Store Tale, and best wishes!

RECORD STORE TALES Part 255: ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

December 24th.  One of our busiest days of the year.  Not the busiest though – that would often fall on the last Saturday before Christmas, on the 23rd, or our annual Boxing Day sale on the 26th.  Nearly two months of buildup and hard work, and it’s all over in what feels like a blink!

The 24th could sometimes be a fun day to work.  Not all customers were your typical cranky shopper, although we certainly saw those too.  Many of our Christmas Eve customers were simply killing time.  Some were spending their Christmas money a little bit early.  Some didn’t care what day it was, particularly those who came in to sell CDs for cash.

Yes, many people did come in to sell even on Christmas Eve.  A few were looking for credit to buy gifts, some were just looking for money to buy a Christmas dime bag.  Either way it was always a busy day, and we were kept moving on our feet.  Many dollars exchanged hands on the 24th.

I recall Christmas music was in such demand that a few years I was left with 4 or 5 Christmas CDs left in stock.  Often these would be the ones that always sat, year after year, unwanted, unsold.  As a person who’s never liked Christmas music, I could never understand the NEED to have it, just to listen to it once a year.  To me, that’s what the radio was for.  But I wasn’t there to try to analyze the wants and desires of the people.  My job was to sell them whatever crap we had left.

The 24th was a messy day.  Usually you could count on snow getting tracked in on the carpets (which were only cleaned a few weeks prior – why??).  Also, most customers could not seem to put discs back where they found them.  This was a combination of poor shelf design, customers who didn’t give a shit, parents that don’t watch their children as they tear the store apart, and people who didn’t know the alphabet.  Discs would be everywhere by the end of it all, scattered hither and yon, with no rhyme or reason as to why they were left there.

I always wore a suit and tie on Christmas Eve.  This was a tradition begun by the boss and owner in the early 1990’s, but I was the only one who carried on this tradition.  The first time we did the suits T-Rev said, “I like it, it makes me feel important!”  People do treat you a little differently when you’re wearing a tie.

After all the rushes of customers died down, we’d start hanging the signs in preparation for the big Boxing Day sale on the 26th.  Buy 3 Get 1 Free!  Or something like that.  Not good with any other special offers though, so people would have something to bitch about.  “Why can’t you stamp my card too?”  Etc. etc.

One year (’96 or ’97) after close at 6 pm, the boss told me to stay late and help him hang these signs.  They were big banners for our Boxing Day sale.  He climbed a ladder to clip these huge hanging signs from the ceiling.  I was there on the floor in my tie trying to hold the sign aloft as he worked.  Then he dropped a clip to the ground and we couldn’t see where it landed.  And apparently we didn’t have any spares.

On hands and knees I searched and searched.  We even got out a flashlight to try to find the damned thing.  No luck!  Meanwhile the clock ticked and ticked.  6:30.  6:45.  7:00.  The parking lot outside was quickly resembling a frozen ghost town, as people raced home to begin their own festivities.

Just as I found the damn clip on the ground, the phone rang.  Normally I wouldn’t answer the phone this late after close on Christmas Eve, but my boss answered, and it was my mom.

“When are you sending my son home to enjoy his Christmas Eve dinner with his family?” she chided.

“Oh I’m sorry Mrs. Ladano!” my boss responded.  “We’re almost done.  You’ll have him soon.”

I think if my mom hadn’t called, we would have been there all night hanging those stupid signs!

At home there was plenty of hot food to enjoy, as I let my body relax after a long day of serious hard work.  Thankfully I did not have to work Boxing Day, probably the longest most tiring day of the whole year.  I therefore had two whole days to relax, watch movies, and spend time with the family.

On that note, I wish all of you a Merry  Christmas.  Whether you celebrate the holiday or not, be safe and warm this season.  And most important I hope you all make it home on time and don’t have to stay late hanging signs!

SANTA

Part 254: You Don’t Need To See My Identification

RECORD STORE TALES Part 254:  You Don’t Need To See My Identification

In Ontario, to sell any used goods to a pawn shop or used CD store like ours, you had to present valid, government issued photo ID. That was the law, even though many of my customers thought I made that up just to be a prick. No; that was indeed the law. I couldn’t buy a used stick of gum from you without a driver’s license, passport, or other form of official photo ID.

One day, I was buying some discs from a man, and we just needed his ID to finalize the deal. Upon asking to see it, this exchange occurred:

Me: I just need a piece of photo ID from you.

Him: I have a membership.

Me: …I’m sorry?

Him: I have a membership here.

Me: I’m not sure what you mean. We don’t have “memberships”.

Him: Whatever it’s called. I’m in your system.

Me: That may be but I still need your ID to prove you are who you say you are.

Him: But I’m a member.

Me: I really don’t know what you mean. I’ve been working here for years and even I’m not a “member”!

Another time, I asked a fellow for identification, and it went down something like this:

IDMe:  I’ll just need a piece of ID and your signature.

Him:  ID?  What for?  They’re not stolen.

Me:  That’s the law in Ontario.  I can’t buy anything used off anybody unless they show me ID.

Him:  Like a license?  Will my driver’s license do?

Me:  Yup, sure will.

Him:  Alright, I’ll drive home and get it, I’ll be back in 10.

So he left, and I’m standing there thinking, “What an idiot. What if a cop pulled him over?” Why wouldn’t you just put your wallet in your pants so you have it with you?

Then there were the paranoid ones.  They were rare but they were out there, occasionally surfacing, to raise funds by selling off CDs or DVDs.

Me:  And I just need a piece of ID.

Him:  Don’t got any.

Me:  None?  Nothing at all?  Driver’s License, Health Card?

Him:  Nope.  I don’t want the government knowing my affairs.

Nor did he want them to know he was selling off his Tammy Wynette albums, I suppose.

Bottom line:  I was surprised how many people in this fine city walk  (and sometimes drive) around without any sort of identification on them.  Just an observation, is all, from the front lines of the record store.

Part 253: Angry Man Go Boom!

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RECORD STORE TALES Part 253:  Angry Man Go Boom!

September 6, 2005.

It was 11 am. Sales were slow so far on this first post-summer morning. I was feeling fantastic after a perfect night’s sleep. I only had one customer in the store. He was a somewhat odd fellow, late 30’s, liked to look stuff up in the computer, write it down, and then not buy it. Different strokes for different folks, I say. All the bosses were in the back office, as is typical. I was listening to Jethro Tull, Elvis Costello, and Max Webster. Nothing later than 1981, of course.

In walks our main character to this story. He’s a tall fellow, very tall, but even now I can’t quite put his face into focus. I can’t even clearly recall if he had a beard or not. I do remember his height, because he towered over me when I stood next to him. In his hands was a copy of Shaggy’s Hot Shot-Remixed album.

To get the proper effect, please read all of his dialogue in a Jamaican accent, a forceful Jamaican accent.  He was holding the Shaggy CD in his hands, and I saw our price tag on it.

“Yo, I bought this one but…it’s not the right one. Can I get somethin’ else?”

“Sure, just take a look around if you want. Do you have the receipt?”

His eyes got wide, he smiled a huge toothy “just ate the cat” smile, and then said, “Ahh man, I think I lost it somewhere.”

The price tag looked quite worn, it could have been purchased some time ago. We had our exchange policy: 7 days (+ an unspoken 7 more days just to avoid hassles). We also needed a receipt for all exchanges except in special cases.  All of this was clearly stated on the store signage as well as the lost receipt.

“Ahh, see, we need to have the receipt for all exchanges. Sorry man…”

“Ahh come on man! You remember me buying this thing don’t you?”

“Actually, no, I don’t, not really, without a receipt…”

“Ahh come on man I just want to switch it!”

Prior to this I was on the sales floor. I walked behind the counter, and said, “Without a receipt, I can’t do that.  The best I could do would be to buy it back from you.” I motioned for him to hand me the CD.

“Huh?” He handed me the CD. I opened the jewel case and examined the condition of the disc.

“I could buy it back from you used.”

Shaggy was quite scratched indeed. I chose not to say anything about it, since he’d claim he bought it like that. They always say that whether they did or didn’t, so my saying anything about it wouldn’t help. However, to buy it back in that condition normally we would give less, to cover the cost of having the CD buffed back to a new finish. I chose not to do that either, since I was being a hard ass on the rules I’d cut him a break on the condition.

“I can give you four dollars for this.”

“What?” Eyes go wide again. “I just want to switch it man, I’m the customer!”

“I know, but as I said, I can’t do that for you. What I can do is give you four dollars for that CD, but that’s the best I can do.”

“You know what, I’m the customer, and [accent gets too thick for me to continue]…”

Then, he took the CD in his hands, jewel case and all, and crushed it.  Pieces went flying everywhere. He stomped to the door, where he stood in the doorway and yelled “I am the customer!”

Out he went.  There was this moment of awkward silence. Then, the man at the lookup computer (who I’d forgotten all about) chimed in.

“So, let me get this straight. You were going to give him $4 for that CD.  Then he crushed it. Now he can’t get anything for it. How did that guy think that was a good idea?”

Took the words out of my mouth.

WTF Comments: Inaugural edition

WTF

WTF Comments:  Inaugural edition

Welcome to a new feature at mikeladano.com!  A spin-off from the popular WTF Search Terms, I now present to you WTF Comments.  These are real unpublished comments that were left for me, for whatever reasons.

First, we have “Tony Tony” (leaving me to wonder where Toni and Toné were) from Obregon, Mexico. Tony Tony apparently did not like my comments about the 1998 movie turd Godzilla:

tony tony aahh1985@xxxxxxx.com:  ad that’s because you all haters are A BUNCH OF FAGS COMPLAINING… HAHAHA what an asshole hehehe… the movie was great… and the soundtrack kicked your asses out…

Thanks Tony.  That doesn’t really need any additional commentary from me.

Then we have Max, from Russia.  In the past I’ve been clear that I will not share my music.  Max asked me to email him a copy of my “Get Your Hands Off My Woman…Again” mp3 single, by The Darkness.  As is my general policy, I deleted the comment.  A few days later, Max returned with this one:

max fedjudas@xxxx.xx:  I got this version, checkmate!

I didn’t realize it was a competition, but good on you.

This comment was sent to me on Facebook.   This person posted a comment using a word in a negative connotation that I personally dislike: “retarded”. I replied that it was now 2013 and saying that word in that context is no longer cool. If it ever really was cool.  Several people agreed with me, but then I got a private message from this person, Mike F.  Private presumably because he didn’t want to be publicly scolded by somebody else for using the word again. This is what he needed to get off his chest:

Mike F*****:  Retarded is retarded… Remember the meaning of it? Stupid… Dumb… Ya know… Retarded. 2013 and all its political correctness can kiss my fuckin asshole!

Dear Mike:  Welcome to my “block” list! Population: you.

Finally, we have the 164 comments that made up what I called the Neue Regel Saga.  I don’t blame you if you do not have the appetite to wade through that nonsense, but here it is, staggering in its absurdity.  The first time I had to close comments down!

Thankfully these flavourful comments are few here.  If you enjoyed this, and if I receive any more comments that make me “WTF?” then I promise to post them in the future!

WTF Search Terms: More Rock and Roll edition

WTF Search Terms XII: More Rock and Roll edition

“Here We Go Again” with more WTF Search Terms!  Everything seen below is an actual search term, that a real person clicked to somehow get here to mikeladano.com.  As David Coverdale might say, “Here’s some rock and roll for ya!”

  1. jon mikl thor arnold the beatles greatness (One of these things is not like the other)
  2. russ parish is god (Good, yes, God, no.)
  3. buyers for kiss albulms (What you got?)
  4. taking the rush blu ray disc out of moving pictures deluxe edition (It’s not that difficult, guy.)
  5. queensryche take hold of the flame cheap trick lyrics (Again these things are not the same.)
  6. used t-120 vhs recording tapes for kids sing along (OK…)
  7. cherone nice good guy (I wouldn’t know?)
  8. marilyn manson sucks himself (No!  How many fucking times do I have to tell you!)
  9. iron maiden gone too soft (Bullshit.)
  10. the demon code prevents me from declining a rock off challenge lyrics (ACCEPTED!)

If you enjoyed this and would like to read more WTF Search Terms, please click here!

DEMON GROHL

WTF Search Terms: Health & Safety edition

WTF Search Terms XI:  Health & Safety edition

Welcome back to WTF.  Everything seen below is an actual search term that somehow took people here to mikeladano.com.  In the public interest, today I thought I’d gather together health-concerned search items. (Missed the last installment?  Click here!)

  1. dr george morgan lebrain (I am only a doctor of Rock)
  2. doctors names and phone number in canada @yahoo.ca “+1” -spam (but I am unlisted)
  3. dude dont shit a brick (never a good idea)
  4. coleman biowipes reviews (great environmentally friendly product)
  5. open car door pissing (not recommended)
  6. how smoking makes you impotent
  7. pisser male door (again with the pissing)
  8. geoff tate spits on drummer (many viruses and bacteria can be transmitted through saliva)
  9. guys who piss with the door open (…?)
  10. how to loosen up and crack your neck  (very carefully is how…actually, just don’t.)

See ya next time for another batch of WTFs!

DIFFICULT TO CURE LP

REVIEW: PelleK – The Fox (Power Metal version)

By request of Kyle “the Rock” Darrock.

PELLE K – “The Fox” (Power Metal version, 2013)

I never would have heard the original version of this song (by Norwegian comedy duo Ylvis), if Craig Fee didn’t subject his listeners to it one afternoon.  I’d never heard of PelleK before seeing this video of his cover.  I know that he’s a Norwegian metal singer with a fantastic Justin-Hawkins-wide range.  I’ve seen numerous YouTube videos, of PelleK covering a wide variety of songs.  I guess when Ylvis went viral with their irritating but amusing video for “The Fox”, PelleK decided to take a shot at it, too.

Power metal style, of course!

I can’t help it, I’m addicted to PelleK’s take on this annoying novelty track!  I don’t think I’d be exaggerating if I said that this has been played on somebody’s phone at least a dozen times during our lunch hour at work since it came out!  “The Fox” works as a “power metal” version!  Egad!  And PelleK’s incredible pipes lend themselves to some hilarious interpretations of what the Fox does indeed say.  I’m surprised how much I like the heavy guitars and drums on “The Fox”.  I might have to play this in the car, windows down, down on King Street to piss the rapper kids off.

Even if that’s the best thing to come from PelleK’s version of “The Fox”, then it’s still worth:

6/5 stars

WTF Search Terms: Iron Meiden edition

WTF Search Terms X:  Iron Meiden edition

It’s time for THE TENTH installment of WTF!  Like the others, this is a collection of strange/humorous/whatever search terms that somehow led people to mikeladano.com.  If you missed the last one, “Top ten edition”, click here!

  • who was the hunchback on the vban halen pretty woman video (It was David Lee Roth himself)
  • joe elliott kissing phil collen (No.)
  • iron meiden son so seven son yu tube 
  • mike patton quiet riot (I have no idea what these two things have in common.)
  • gene simmons rib removal (No.  Everybody knows that was Marilyn Manson)  :)
  • helix vedio tatoed guy (Snake the Tattoo Man)
  • beatles fan that send themselves in a box (?)
  • eddie “fingers” ojeda who odd is he in 2013
  • what did yall think of the movie machete (I liked it, how about you?)
  • why did steve hire blaze bayley (This is a question all Maiden fans still struggle with.)

See you next time!

REVIEW: Alex Lifeson’s acceptance speech

ALEX LIFESON (RUSH) – Acceptance speech (2013 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony)

Blah blah blah. Blah BLAH blah blah BLAH! Bla-bla-bla-blah. Blah, blah blah blah! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. Blah Blah? Blah! Blah Blah Blah. Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Bla-la-la-la BLAH!? Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah. Blah blah! Blah. Bla-bla-bla-blah. Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Bla-la-la-la BLAH BLAH!? BLAH! Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah. Blah blah! Blah, blah blah blah! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. Blah blah blah. Blah BLAH blah BLAH! Bla-bla-bla-blah.

5/5 blahs
LIFESON

Part 230: Nicknames

WINNER!

RECORD STORE TALES Part 230:  Nicknames

It’s true.  You may have a nickname at your favourite store that you don’t even know about!  Maybe you’re known for your surly manner.  Maybe you’re known for returning everything you buy, or a unique form of transportation.  Whatever the case may be, here’s a selection of my favourite nicknames from the record store days!

* Sadly, “Surly Brad” (who was actually a nice guy) passed away in 2011.