I had to treat you guys right on a Monday. This edition needs no commentary. These are all real search terms from real people who ended up (somehow) at my site. Enjoy (I guess). If you missed the last one, Mythbusters edition, click here!
I remember growing up, my dad managed a bank. It happened periodically that the phone would ring in the middle of the night. It would be a security company telling my dad to get down to the bank, because there was an alarm. He’d get up, get dressed, and at like 3 am, head to the bank.
I knew when I became store manager of a record store, this could possibly happen to me too. Thankfully, it only happened once, and it was late-afternoon on a Sunday. But it was weird.
It was a sunny summer day, a couple hours after we closed at 5. When the phone rang and the security company was on the other end, I was ready to do whatever they needed me to do.
“We’ve had calls,” they said, “that people were walking in and out of your store. We need you to get down there and check out the situation.” That was a bit freaky, but the store was a mere 10 minutes away from my house. It didn’t take much for me to get there.
What I found when I got there was a locked door, and an undisturbed store. The alarm was still on, but not triggered. I checked the safe, the cash register, everything. It was quiet as a mouse. The only activity was another store in the plaza, doing an invite-only customer appreciation sale, but even they weren’t that busy.
I called the alarm company. I explained that there was zero activity here, and whoever called them must have been confused. I explained that another store in the same plaza was having a sale, and people were walking in and out of that store, but not mine. I went home.
Shortly after coming home, they called me again! They said their alarm system was showing an open door. I assured them that this was not the case. They asked me to go down there again, and I said I had just returned from there, and everything was fine. I wasn’t going back.
This went back and forth before they finally mentioned the street name. And guess what? It wasn’t the right address. It was in fact one of our franchisee’s stores, a totally different owner in a completely different city.
“Wait a second – you’ve called the wrong guy,” I said. “I don’t manage that store. I’m not even in that city.” I then gave them the name of the correct person they should have called.
“We have you down as the contact,” they said.
“Well that’s wrong and you have to change it,” I retorted.
“We’ll have to talk to your store owner to make any changes like that. In the meantime, can you call the correct person and let him know his store is showing an open door?”
I looked up the number, called and left a message with his grandmother, who relayed it to the franchisee. Good to know that alarm companies are on top of their game!
Welcome to the latest installment of WTF Search Terms! This series presents actual search terms that real people typed into Google, somehow leading to my site. If you missed the last installment, click here!
I’ve noticed there are a lot of confused people out there. I thought I would do a public service, by correcting some people’s misconceptions. Enjoy.
I hated doing bank runs. Bank runs were required to make sure we had plenty of change in the register. The denominations we tended to run out of most frequently were $1’s, $2’s, and $5’s. Because we were buying used CDs (often offering between $1 and $6 per disc) it’s understandable how we could go through a tray full of $5’s in short order.
We’d run out all the time and I was sick and tired of getting in shit for running out of $5 bills. I started a routine: once a week, we did a massive bank run that would always last us through the weekend and into the Monday. Then, people complained that we had a lot of change to count in our register – but I never ran out anymore.
I’d call the bank up, and place my change order. One time over 10 years ago, I brought one of my employees with me to do the change run. The reasons for this were twofold. One, I was carrying a lot of money and I liked having another person with me as backup. Second, it was a good way of showing him how to do the change run for the future.
There’s usually a special “business line” at the bank that lets you cut the crowds. We went into that line (overhearing a few people sneer, “how come they get to go before me when I’ve been waiting 20 minutes?”). We got our change fairly quickly, and headed back out.
We got into my car and and began to make our way back to the store. There were two traffic lanes heading out: One a left-turn only lane, and one a right-turn or straight lane. We were going straight, so I stopped at the red light.
We sat at the red light, shooting the shit, talking about music, when we both noticed a persistent honking behind us. I looked over my shoulder and I saw a lady in a red car behind us yelling, and gesturing wildly.
“Is she honking at us?” I asked Chris, a little confused.
“I think so!” he answered. “I think she wants to turn right.”
I watched her a bit in my mirror. I think this only made her more angry, because her movements became even more animated. I couldn’t make out what she was yelling, but she sure was letting it out.
“This is kind of weird,” I said. “Nothing I can do about it though…I’m still going straight!” I don’t think she knew we were both in a straight/right turn lane. Maybe she had a disorder that rendered her incapable of reading street signs.
“The light’s green…just gun it, I’ll flip her the bird,” Chris said.
She had beaten Chris to the punch though, already waving her left hand in the air, finger up high, yelling and screaming at us as she finally made her right turn. I was just glad she didn’t follow us to the store, which was right across the street! People can be really weird about stuff like that these days. And that’s the story of the weirdest bank run we ever did.
Sometimes, shopping in a music store can be a frustrating experience especially for those who don’t know a lot about music. They might not have a clue what section to find (for example) Linkin Park in. Are they rock? Metal? Alternative? Something else? Somebody who only knows a couple songs might spend a long time walking around aimlessly in a store trying to find Linkin Park.
Sometimes just the simple act of trying to find where Linkin Park is filed alphabetically can be frustrating to the uninitiated. Some people are confused. If Barry Manilow is filed under “M” instead of “B”, why is Linkin Park filed under “L” instead of “P”? This gets even more hard to understand when the band’s name sounds like a person’s name. Max Webster. Pink Floyd. The difficulty is tripled when you’re shopping in a store that has a loose grasp on the alphabet in the first place. Ever shopped at one of the local HMV stores?
Sometimes in order to find something, you might have to get the store employee’s attention. If he or she is busy with customers, please don’t yell across the store. “I can’t find anything in this damn store!” I’ve heard that too many times. Come up to the counter, wait until I’m done giving my full attention to my current customer, and ask. I know some people think they are more important than other customers, but that’s life. Sometimes you have to be patient. And please don’t yell, “Hey, buddy! Little help?”
Here’s a true story: One of my staff members, Matt, was once hailed by a 300 pound Jamaican man with, “YO! WHITE BOY!”
Be clear about what you want to know. For example, a lost customer once had this question for me:
Him: “Who designed your shelves?”
Me, slightly puzzled: “The owner’s dad built them. Why?”
Him: “Well is the owner’s dad dyslexic? Nothing makes any sense! You’ve got B coming after C, everything’s backwards, upside down, I can’t find anything!”
Hey, thanks for the feedback! Here’s how it works – it’s like reading the page of a book! Go across, then down. Across, then down. Across, then down. Then when you’re at the bottom, you go over to the next section! Across, down. Across, down. Across, down. No need to be a dick about it.
For those who get frustrated finding music in a record store, I offer you these three tips:
1.Before you get too frustrated and feel like blowing your lid, ask. Ask in a clear, reasonably polite manner.
2. If all the staff is otherwise busy with customers, wait your turn. Don’t yell, don’t interrupt, don’t get yourself all worked up over a CD.
3.If the store doesn’t have what you’re looking for, don’t tell the staff that they or their store sucks. Some kid making minimum wage doesn’t care what you think.
Following these three simple tips will make your shopping experience that much more efficient, stress-free, and pleasant. You might even want to say “thanks” for the staff’s help. Saying thanks will help ensure a better experience next time you come in.
Welcome back to WTF! Click here if you missed the last one. This edition collects some musical Google searches that somehow led people here to this blog. Enjoy these head-scratchers and WTFs!
This first guy’s obviously an idiot.
10. steve morse sucks
9.is paul stanley loosoing his voice?
8.i wouldl like to hear mob rules (why, how polite!)
7.life+it+up+kiss
6.black sabbath paranoid deluxe edition where is the 3 disc (right there.)
5.phrase from what tv show – it’s the final countdown!! (Arrested Development.)
4.puff daddy’s embarring habit
3.new kids on the block poster greatest hits
2.real elvis videos tumblr hornny holes
And this week’s winner:
1.marilyn manson with butt plug
Like the WTF’s? Then come back soon, or better yet, subscribe!
All of these are search terms that people typed into Google, and wound up on my site. Today the theme is “bodily functions”. If you missed the last one, be sure to click here!
“peeing” rowboat
shiting on top of a shit
shit into hand while in shower
poo
guy pissing in doorway
boy holding poop in
poo pictures
poo in the door way
poop in the shower post
when to wash your hands pinterest
“When to wash your hands”? Definitely after all of that!
I couldn’t figure out a music video to put with this, so let’s go with “TV Dinners” by ZZ Top, since that often will cause you to need to perform search term #4.
RECORD STORE TALES Part 199: Hooray! Hooray! It’s Stock Transfer Day!
A couple weeks ago, I was out driving, rocking to Kiss’ Hotter Than Hell. Suddenly I realized the car in front of me was being driven by my former boss at the record store. We happened to be going in the same direction. I followed him as he pulled into the old record store, where he turned off. He didn’t see me wave but from the stop lights, I could see him go to the back of the vehicle and pull out a big box of discs for the record store.
This brought back a vivid memory — Stock Transfer Day! STD!
Twice a week, the local store managers were required to travel to a central location to pick up stock from the other stores. This stock could include special orders being transferred from store to store. The majority of the boxes were full of stuff for our shelves, and fresh jewel cases since we went through hundreds a week. These would fill the trunk, pile up on the back seats, and once in a while the passenger seat too.
The managers decided to do stock transfer on Monday nights, and Thursday afternoons. I hated Monday nights and Thursday afternoons. The only good thing about stock transfer was the chance to see some of my store manager friends, such as the eternally interesting Joe. It was during one of these stock transfers that I witnessed the immortal Open Door Piss.
What bugged me most about the stock transfer arrangements were that the time, gas and mileage on our cars was considered to be “part of our salaries”. This part of it really sucked, as you could spend a good chunk of your night hanging around doing nothing, waiting for someone. Sometimes a traffic accident or tie-up on the highway could screw somebody’s route home. That’s just the way this city was(n’t) planned out.
So while you’re waiting for someone with some orders that you absolutely need, you’re sitting doing nothing, burning your own time. This happened frequently in winter, but in the summer too. While this is ensuing, at home your porch is unoccupied and lacking in beverages. And that is a shame.
RECORD STORE TALES Part 196: Happy Rockin’ Mother’s Day!
I’m hoping I don’t embarrass my mom too much with this post. I love my mom. My friends love my mom. Everyone loves my mom, they always have. It used to drive me nuts, actually. Particularly with my friend Bob, it drove me nuts. My friends would come over and spend more time talking to my mom than to me!
Joe, who ran one of our stores, was one friend that always enjoyed seeing my mom in his store. Unfortunately for me, Joe really used to tease me about it, too. Long time LeBrain readers will remember one story in particular. Here’s the pertinent text from that tale:
One morning I was opening the store, and my computer beeped the sound that told me, “An order just arrived, please read me!” So I did. Only the order looked something like this.
ARTIST: I’m totally going to
TITLE: bone your mom.
I was digging through boxes of stuff, as Mrs. LeBrain and I prepare to move to a larger place this year. In a closet I found a card from the record store. Joe had signed it.
mikeladano.com 