Record Store Tales

Part 219: Parental Advisory – Explicit Lyrics

Thanks to 80smetalman for the inspiration.

RECORD STORE TALES Part 219:  

Parental Advisory – Explicit Lyrics

Remember the PMRC? If you were around in the 1980’s you might. The Parents’ Music Resource Center was an organization cofounded by Tipper Gore. They caused a lot of grief for musicians and fans alike. The PMRC wanted albums to have ratings, much like a movie, and to restrict certain albums to certain age groups.

PARENTALBoth Dee Snider and Frank Zappa raked them over the coals in a Senate hearing, but much damage was done. The PARENTAL ADVISORY – EXPLICIT CONTENT logo has defaced many rock albums. Sometimes it’s just a sticker, but almost as often, it’s printed over the cover art.  Frank Zappa’s instrumental album Jazz From Hell was even stickered “explicit content” – an album that has no words at all!  Huge chains such as Walmart refused to carry many albums such as this, and this eventually led to the rise of “clean” and “dirty” versions of albums.  It was one way to get the records in the stores.  This way, grandma can buy little Johnny the “clean” version of Eminem for Christmas.

This had an impact on us, an independent chain, as well. In the senate hearing, Dee Snider advised that if a parent is concerned about the music their kids are listening to, “I think a parent could take it home, listen to it. And I do not think there are too many retail stores that would deny them the ability to return the album for something different.”

Dee was 100% right. That was the policy that we had. If a parent wasn’t happy with the lyrical content of their kid’s purchase, we had no problem returning it.  Even though there were times that I’d been yelled at for doing a refund instead of an exchange, we made exceptions when it came to explicit lyrical content.  In those cases we often offered a full refund, and normally getting a refund out of us was about as easy as Steve-O removing this snapping turtle from his ass.

Some parents used to get upset that I would knowingly sell an album with swearing on it to their kid. Now, to be clear, we wouldn’t sell 2 Pac to a 10 year old. We didn’t do that. We would tell the 10 year to come back with a parent, and they’d whine and leave. However when a kid is in their mid-teens, and it’s harder to tell their age (or if their parents have a pickle up their behinds), we’d sell them the disc. And that’s when some parents would get mad. “Isn’t it illegal to sell this to a kid?”

No, it wasn’t illegal, thankfully. I would have hated to live in a world where I couldn’t hear Twisted Sister until my 18th birthday. But I was smart enough to know fantasy from reality, and my parents were trusting enough to give me that much credit.

Once you give the parents a refund, they were always happy. You never know what a parent would be offended by. One guy refused to buy Nirvana for his son, because Kurt committed suicide. One parent refused to allow her kid to listen to “black music” such as Backstreet Boys. No shit.

WU

Very hard to tell just from this if it’s “clean” or “dirty”

For us, selling used CDs, I think the biggest problem was the “clean” and “dirty versions”. On some discs, it was nearly impossible to tell by the cover if it was censored or not, because often those kinds of stickers would be on the plastic shrinkwrap. Once the shrinkwrap was off, and the CD made it into a used shop like ours, the only way to tell would be to listen.

I spent a lot of time sampling Wu-Tang Clan albums to see if they were clean or dirty. Thankfully I knew where on the disc to check easily without spending too much time on it. We had to sell clean versions for less, because the majority didn’t want them. We had to exchange a lot of clean versions for something else too, when it wasn’t obvious by the packaging.

Looking back at the kind of music people used to get upset about, it seems hilariously blown out of proportion. I’ll end today’s tale with a quote from Dee Snider’s testimonial at the senate hearing:

“The PMRC has made public a list of 15, of what they feel are some of the most blatant songs lyrically. On this list is our song “We’re Not Gonna Take It,” upon which has been bestowed a “V” rating, indicating violent lyrical content.

”You will note from the lyrics before you that there is absolutely no violence of any type either sung about or implied anywhere in the song. Now, it strikes me that the PMRC may have confused our video presentation for this song with the song with the lyrics, with the meaning of the lyrics.

”It is no secret that the videos often depict story lines completely unrelated to the lyrics of the song they accompany. The video “We’re Not Gonna Take It” was simply meant to be a cartoon with human actors playing variations on the Roadrunner/Wile E. Coyote theme, Each stunt was selected from my extensive personal collection of cartoons.

”You will note when you watch the entire video that after each catastrophe our villain suffers through, in the next sequence he reappears unharmed by any previous attack, no worse for the wear.

”By the way, I am very pleased to note that the United Way of America has been granted a request to use portions of our “We’re Not Gonna Take It” video in a program they are producing on the subject of the changing American family. They asked for it because of its “light-hearted way of talking about communicating with teenagers.

“It is gratifying that an organization as respected as the United Way of America appreciates where we are coming from. I have included a copy of the United Way’s request as part of my written testimony. Thank you, United Way.”

Part 218: Liquor and Whores

RECORD STORE TALES Part 218:  Liquor and Whores

The year:  Early 2004.

A new original TV show was starting to make waves in Canada.  I hadn’t caught wind of it yet — I didn’t have cable back then — but our destinies would soon intertwine.  The catalyst was my old childhood and highschool friend, Scott.

Scott remembers the story much like I do.  He used to come into my store every Wednesday to visit and check out new arrivals.  He had just become addicted to this new TV show in question, and was spreading the word.  According to Scott:

“I was trying to get everybody into that show…90% success rate by the way.”

That doesn’t surprise me at all.  Because when you’re talking about a show as Canadian, as original, and as funny as Trailer Park Boys, the series sells itself.  Scott figured I would be an easy convert.  “I just knew you were a Rush fan,” he tells me.  It was the Rush connection that initially caught my attention.

Scott was talking to me at the front counter.  “Have you heard of Trailer Park Boys?” he asked me that day.  I hadn’t.  “It’s hilarious,” Scott continued.  “You have to see this guy Bubbles.  In the best episode, he meets Alex Lifeson from Rush.  He gets to go on stage with Rush, play guitar with Alex, and everything.  He’s actually a pretty good musician.”

Going into more detail, Scott explained:  “Do you remember that band, Sandbox?”  I did.  “Bubbles is played by a guy from that band.  He’s got these big thick glasses, always swearing…Bubbles is the best!”

I had seen Sandbox eight years earlier, opening for Barenaked Ladies actually.  I was really impressed by their show and their single “Curious”, so I picked up their album.  In fact I think their ambitious second album, 1997’s A Murder in the Glee Club, is among the finest albums our country has to offer.  Their lead vocalist was a guy named Paul Murray, nephew of Anne.

Wanna see what Bubbles would look like with a shaved head?  Watch this.

So I was in.  As soon as the first box set came into inventory, I bought it, without seeing a single episode.  Dandy ratted me out for buying two DVDs in one week (which was against the rules at the time), but once I got the discs home, I put on the first season.  I was hooked by the second episode.

Now that the boys are coming back for an 8th season on SwearNet, it’s never too late to get yourself hooked on this incredible show.  After all, if Axl Rose, Sebastian Bach, and Alex Lifeson are all fans, aren’t you curious what you’re missing?

See Guns N’ Roses play “Liquor and Whores” with Bubbles on vocals & guitar

Liquor and whoresSAM_0436
Liquor and whores
Cigarettes and dope and mustard and bologna
Liquor and whores

I went down
Drinkin’ at the legion
I met a girl she was nice
She was pretty and pleasing

She said “Hey boy
We should do some marrying”
I said sure but before we do
There’s something that you should know

I like
Liquor and whores
Liquor and whores
Cigarettes and dope and mustard and bologna
Liquor and whores…

Then one night down at the legion
She walked in, I was drunk on gin
Dancin with a lady friend
She said hey boy, You’d better fly the fuck home
I said no cause five little words I coulda
Swore I said to you

I like
Liquor and whores
Liquor and whores
Cigarettes and dope and mustard and bologna
Liquor and whores…

Part 217: My F****** Neck!!

NECK

RECORD STORE TALES Part 217:  My Fuckin’ Neck!

Kids – do not crack your neck.  Don’t do it.  I know it feels good.  Just don’t.  I know the feeling, the release of pressure.  The sudden relaxation of the nearby muscles.  The temporary but instant relief from pain.

I used to crack my neck, apparently a bit too much, and by early 1996 it had caught up with me.  I was about to go out for lunch at Casey’s with an ex-girlfriend of mine.  We’d started to hang out again.  I thought there might be a chance of getting back together, so I was looking forward to it.

I was toweling dry my hair, perhaps applying a bit too much force on one side, when suddenly:  snap.  Something hurt.  Something hurt a lot.  I collapsed to the ground, cradling my suddenly-too-heavy head in my hands.  I’d experienced neck pain before (which started me on cracking it in the first place), but nothing like this!  I was completely immobile.  I sat like that, in pain holding my head in my hands, for 15 minutes.  Finally I was able to find a comfortable way to stand up.

I took some Aspirin, and collapsed again in the stairway.  I literally could not take both hands off my head without being in extreme pain.  I had to be holding my head with at least one hand at all times.  I considered cancelling the date with the ex, but quickly dismissed that option.  The perceived opportunity for pity outweighed the physical pain.  Now all I had to do was figure out how to put on my boots.

The ex arrived to pick me up, and she advised me to see a doctor.  Nahh!  I said.  I took an Aspirin.  Doctor Schmockter.  I did know that, feeling the way I did, there was no way I was going to put able to pull a 4 hour shift at the record store that night.  All that bending over and filing…one handed?  No.  Even though I was very proud of my perfect attendance record (no sick days in almost 2 years, a milestone I wanted to reach), I had to call in sick.  I felt the pain of my now tarnished sick record.

We sat down at Casey’s, and I stupidly ordered French onion soup.  Only when the dish arrived did I realize how hard it was to get the spoon all the way to my mouth without leaning.  Leaning equaled pain, but by moving slowly and steadily, I gradually ate the soup.

I had a heavy scarf around my neck, and the warm soup going down my throat felt great too.  Plus, the painkillers were kicking in.  My mood brightened by the time my chicken arrived.  When I had finished that, my sore neck muscles began to loosen up.  I was regaining some mobility.  Plus, the lunch was going splendidly!  Conversation was brisk and good humoured.

“You know what,” I said to the ex, “I think I’m going to work after all.”

“Are you sure?” she queried.  “Your neck looks really stiff.”

“It is,” I replied.  “But it’s Wednesday.  It’s a slow night.  New stock arrived yesterday, Trevor would have finished stocking everything.  I’ll be OK.”  Plus, I was digging the new Extreme and wanted to hear it again.

Mike Mangini on drums

I excused myself to go to a pay phone and call the store.

“Hey man, it’s Mike,” I said when my boss answered.  “Have you got anybody to fill my shift yet?  Because I can do it.  I feel alot better.”  He told me that he was just going to work straight through.  I assured him I was OK, and I got the ex to drop me off at the store.

I walked in, head cocked at an awkward angle, wearing a silly scarf.  My boss was with a customer but he glanced at me, noting my odd posture.  As soon as he was done with the customer, he turned to me.

“Oh, Mike…how in the heck did you do that again?”

Slightly embarrassed I answered, “Drying my hair.”

“You did THAT drying your hair?” he cried.

“Yeah,” I said sheepishly.  “Does it look bad?  Can you tell?”

“Can you tell?” he replied.  “It’s as obvious as the nose on your face!”

Oh man.  Oh man.  I didn’t realize how comical I looked.  Sure enough, several customers asked about my strange posture.  And all of them had the same question:

“How in the heck did you do that?”

Drying my hair!  Now leave me alone about it!!

Unfortunately this was merely the first of many such episodes.  A high price to pay, for the temporary relief of cracking your neck.  I should have just said it was whiplash from banging my head too much.

Part 216: The Most Expensive Thing I Ever Destroyed

Ultimate

RECORD STORE TALES Part 216:  The Most Expensive Thing I Ever Destroyed

The most expensive thing I ever destroyed was a Michael Jackson Ultimate Collection 5  CD box set.  The discs were pretty hacked, but salvageable.  We had the means to repair such discs, but the deeper the blemish, the harder this is.  Retail price on it was probably around $55, we had sunk at least $20 or $25 into it.  We didn’t see too many of them, which is why one of the staff paid $20 or $25 for a hacked box set.

Four of the discs we were able to fix no problem.  One of them was really bad.  It had one deep scratch in it that just refused to come out.  Other staff members, even the guy who was generally the best at getting scratches out, had failed as well.  One night it was slow in the store so I decided to take another shot at it.

I could see the scratch, clear as a bell, but I couldn’t feel anything with my fingernail.  We must have buffed it down so close to the actual scratch.  I just needed to buff a little more…and then I applied a little pressure.  A little more.  Looking good.  A little more…

Then I felt the familiar, frictiony bite of the plastic in the CD melting.  Once you’ve melted a disc, it’s done.  Finished.  Garbage.  Worthless.  You can see, if you look close enough.  You can see a tiny deflection, a distortion, kind of like a hot road on a summer day.  Once the plastic is melted, your player’s laser is refracted and the CD will skip.  And it will probably skip very, very badly.

That’s how I destroyed an expensive and rare Michael Jackson box set, forever and ever.

Part 215: Mono

RECORD STORE TALES Part 215:  Mono

Today, I was listening to some old-school Dio, and I had a thought.  A sudden thought that I wanted to explore:

“My taste in music was 100% solidified by that month in 1986 that I had mono!”

Yeah!  I think it’s true!  I was sick at home for a month (at least) too tired to do anything except record videos on the Pepsi Power Hour!  I was inundated with a steady intake of incredible songs, in many cases for the first time.  And because I still have the old VHS tapes, I know exactly what’s on them.  This brief but intense period of my life was rocked by this soundtrack, over and over again:

power hourOzzy Osbourne – “The Ultimate Sin”

Hear N’ Aid – “Stars”

Dio – “Rock and Roll Children”

Black Sabbath – “Die Young”

Lee Aaron – “Shake It Up”

ZZ Top – “Rough Boy”

Kim Mitchell – “Lager and Ale”

Thor (Jon Mikl Thor) – “Keep the Dogs Away”

Triumph – “Never Surrender”

Loudness – “Let It Go”

Spinal Tap – “Hell Hole”, the theme song that my sister and I dedicated to our old Catholic grade school!

These songs were first impressed upon me during that period, the visuals always cool and intriguing to me.  Especially Lee Aaron.  Ahem.  Anyway.  I watched these videos over and over again.   I recorded the audio (in mono) (…hah, I made a pun!) to a cassette so I could listen to them on my Walkman.  This came in handy at the cottage.  We didn’t have a VCR or cable there, so the only way to bring my songs was to tape them from the TV.

That one intense period of being stuck at home with nothing but heavy metal heroes might have made me the LeBrain I am today.  I’m glad something good came out of it!  I couldn’t even go swimming that entire summer!

Part 214.5: Klassik Kwote – The New Pornographers

NEKO

Back in March, I said that the Klassic Kwote well had run dry.  I just remembered this one that I had to share.

In summer 2003, we carried Electric Version by the New Pornographers on our front chart.  One customer thought he was tremendously clever with this question, asked in loud bellow:

“The NEW Pornographers?  What was wrong with the OLD pornographers?  I didn’t know there were new ones!  HA HA HA!  Haaaaaah..ha ha!  Didn’t get the memo!  Hah…”

Part 214: The Rules 2

RECORD STORE TALES Part 214:  The Rules 2

One of my most popular posts from the first year of this site was Part 19:  “The Rules”.  We had a lot of rules.  Some made sense, some were ludicrous, but one thing’s for sure:  we had them!  I’ve talked about the store play rules, the piercing rules, and others.  Here’s some more!

  • Don’t point.  This is a good rule.  Don’t point.  Customer comes in and says, “Hey, where’s your Lady Gaga?”  Don’t point.  If it was that easy, they would have found Lady Gaga on their own.  Take them out on the floor and show them where it is.
  • Don’t make fun of the music your customer is buying.  Nobody likes that.  Some people unfortunately have that unpleasant experience while buying music.
  • If a customer has first dibs/a reservation for a specific title, and it comes in used, that customer gets that title.  Simple.  Some staff members abused that rule if the item was rare enough…myself included!
  • Don’t eat your fuckin’ lunch at the counter.  Gross.

Some of the rules I had problems with included the following:

  • No sitting.  Our original store had a chair, that we were not allowed to use.  But when I first started, standing for 8 hours straight with no break was really hard.  It took a while to get used to that.  Since we worked alone at that time, it was really exhausting to work that long without a break.  If you’re working alone for 8 hours straight with no breaks, a chair is helpful.
  • You must be 15 minutes early for every shift.  Only problem – they didn’t pay you for those 15 minutes!
  • No hiring family or friends.  My sister, who is a world class musician with loads of customer service experience, didn’t even get considered for a job when she applied.  I was even given shit for letting her apply!  Meanwhile, friends of other people somehow got hired, perhaps because they were friends with the right people?

But it’s all good, no hard feelings.  With hindsight, my sister is doing pretty good now anyway.

Here’s a selection of rules that I would have liked, in a perfect world:

  • Getting paid for all the time you put in.   That would be a good rule.
  • No Macy Gray.  When her first album came out, one employee played it constantly.  I never need to hear a Macy Gray song ever again.
  • No eating subs with onions at any time, any where, before or during a shift.  Gross.

KEEP CALM

Part 213: A Dandy Douche In Need is a Dandy Douche Indeed

RECORD STORE TALES Part 213:
A Dandy Douche In Need is a Dandy Douche Indeed

While digging through old papers, hard drives, and photos for this blog, I ran across some interesting journal entries.  I had forgotten this myself, but the handful of entries flooded back the memories.  They are regarding Dandy, a person about whom I have very little positive to say.  He brought me never-ending grief.

I remember that there was a fire downtown, and he lived near (or below?) the unit that ignited.  He lost everything in the fire due to water damage.  He couldn’t even go in to get his clothes, it was taped off.  For whatever reason (and I really cannot remember my thoughts to this day), I — me!? — organized a relief fund for him.

I remember Jonathan asking me why I wanted to help him.  I wish I knew what I told Jon.  My motivations are lost to me now.   I think part of the reason I did this was ignorance.  I didn’t know about half the shit he pulled, until after he quit his job at the record store.  If I had known then what I know now, would I have organized a relief fund?

I’ll let the unedited journals speak for themselves.  Only the names have been changed.

Date: 2004/05/18 19:43

I’m putting a collection together to help [Dandy] out after his fire. He had to buy clothes just to come to work today. So far I’ve collected $50, and by Thursday I hope to buy him some sweet gift certificates to replace his clothes and anything else essential he may need. I expect I’ll be able to get about $200 or so by Thursday afternoon. At least I certainly hope so.

You know, I’m not heartless. I can’t forgive [Dandy] for what he did…but that was nothing compared to this tragedy. I think anybody who couldn’t understand my doing this is really, really heartless. I don’t know how someone could feel that way about another person.

Date: 2004/05/19 10:31

Just sold one of my Zeppelin CDs [I had another version of it] and threw the proceeds into the [Dandy] fund.

Date: 2004/05/19 14:02

OK, Julie just stepped up to bat and gave $25 to [Dandy] via PayPal.

Date: 2004/05/20 21:36

Relief fund is now done, and I beat my goal.  I collected $220 for him.  Unfortunately, [someone] accidentally sent HIM an email that should have been sent to me, so he knows about it, there will be no surprise.

It’s actually kind of uncomfortable to read my younger self’s words with the years between us now.  It is what it is: LeBrain in the raw!

GOODY

Part 212: Top 3 Crushes

RECORD STORE TALES Part 212:  Top 3 Rock Star Crushes

I was quite legendary at the Record Store for my celebrity crushes.  I talked before about about Dayna Manning — she was but one on my list of fantasy girls.

3. MARIA DEL MAR (National Velvet)

T-Rev and I were given tickets to see Helix at Stages, in 1996.  Opening was a new band fronted by ex-National Velvet singer Maria Del Mar.  You might remember National Velvet’s hit, “Sex Gorilla”.  Her new band was good, and after the show Maria came and sat down next to us!  Gasp!  She was really loaded.  T-Rev and I handed her business cards for our stores and encouraged her to visit, call, sell albums there on consignment, anything!

Unfortunately, it seemed to us that she preferred the sharp Austrian looks of Peter the Rocker, who also attended the show.  Maria wouldn’t leave him alone.  She never called us either.  At least Helix were good!

Tastes as sweet as “Sex Gorilla”

2. NICOLE HUGHES (Scratching Post)

A couple friends of ours opened for this band in 1998.  I drooled all over the stage looking at singer/guitarist Nicole Hughes.  That red hair.  The leather skirk, playing that guitar.  Oh yeah.  I was in love.  I admired every magazine cover she appeared on.  One of the girls at work used to try to bug me by commenting that Hughes’ mouth was “too big”.

I never had the guts to speak to her at any of those concerts!  Nothing more than a “great show, eh.”  I was given copies of their two albums for my birthday one year.  Imagine my horror at finding that I didn’t really like them.  I sold them off before I quit the store.

Scratching Post’s only really good tune, “Bloodflame”

1.       TALENA ATFIELD (Kittie)

I was never a Kittie fan.  I’m not denying their talent, I’m just not a fan of that sound.  I’ve never bought any of their albums.  I only like a couple tunes. But as far as I was concerned, I did like Talena Atfield, the bassist!  After she left Kittie, I found her on MySpace and sent her a message.  Something lame like, “Hey, I manage a record store, you should come in if you’re in town,” or whatever.  The response was brief, but positive – she called me cute!  Well didn’t I go and tell everyone at the store about that?

So, they made fun of me for yet another rock star crush, but it turned out OK in the end.  Now I’m married, and it’s fun to look back of these rock crushes. Mrs. LeBrain used to like Trent Reznor, so I know I’m OK!  (She says she likes her men short.)

Next time on Record Store Tales…

Long-forgotten Dandy drama

Part 211: The House of Lords Debacle

RECORD STORE TALES Part 211:  The House of Lords Debacle

Joe was on the other end of the phone.  “Mike,” he said.  “I have three CDs here by a band called House of Lords.  You want?”

I’d first heard House of Lords in ’88.  Gene Simmons was promoting them like mad.  They were signed to his new imprint, $immons Records.  A guy called Loz Netto was his first signing, but House of Lords was his first rock acquisition.  They included ex-members of Guiffria, Quiet Riot, and Alice Cooper.  I picked up their debut on the week of release, but I missed the second and third albums.

“I’ll take two!” I responded without hesitation.  “I’ll take the ones titled Sahara and Demons Down.”

Joe laughed.  “I knew you’d know who these guys were,” he said.  I saw the pictures of the hairdos on the back and I knew it.”

“Thanks man, send ’em my way.  I will buy them both for sure.”

HOL_0002

Yes, Tommy Aldridge was in House of Lords for a minute

Joe had the two discs sent to my store, attention to me.  But in between his store and mine, they had been intercepted.  Someone had written on the transfer slips, “Sell at $11.99 — no discount.”

No discount?  On House of Lords?  The fuck was this?

Not that $11.99 is a bad price.  That was a high but realistic sticker price for used copies of these albums.  I can get Demons Down on CD from Discogs right now for under 8 bucks.  If I had walked into another store and found them for $12, I would have bought them without hesitation.  It was the principle of the thing that bothered me.  I’ve talked before about how we didn’t get staff discounts on certain special or big ticket items.  House of Lords was hardly the kind of band that would negate a staff discount.  In fact, my boss (who had written the note) had no idea who House of Lords was.

He had obviously seen that the two discs were being sent to me, since he had written the note.  Perhaps he looked at the back and spied the Simmons Records logo.  Either way he personally nixed the the discount.  I called him up to ask what the deal was.

“Hey,” I began.  “These two House of Lords discs.  What’s up with the price?  No discount on these?”

“Nope,” he answered simply.

“Why?” I asked.  “Nobody knows who they are.”

“That’s just what we’ve decided they’re worth,” he replied.

“Alright, well I’m going to pass on them then.  I’m sending them back to Joe’s store.”  I was disappointed.  This kind of penny-ante crap had picked up in recent years.  It was petty.  It seemed arbitrary.

A few years later, more copies came in.  I snagged those, discount intact.  Much like most of the world, the powers that be had simply forgotten who House of Lords were.  And I wasn’t about to say, “Hey, by the way, in case you forgot, staff aren’t supposed to get a discount on House of Lords.”

I’m listening to House of Lords right now.  The funny thing is, for such “special” items, neither is really as good as their debut!

Next time on Record Store Tales…

Crushes!