“Yeah, uhh,” said the kid once again. “I heard that, like, at a Marilyn Manson concert, he sucked himself off. He had his bottom two ribs removed so that he could bend far enough over to do it.”
“Wow,” I uttered, a little stunned. “Where did you hear that?”
“I bet another kid at school $5 that it wasn’t true. He said it was.”
I paused to build anticipation. “He owes you $5 then.”
“YES!” said the kid as he high-fived his friend. “I knew it wasn’t true.”
RECORD STORE TALES Part 193: Dandy Douche 3 – Scary Carrie
Dandy Douche had two girlfriends simultaneously. The one he really liked was a long distance thing in Toronto, and he had a local one too. She worked at the mall at a music store there. Both knew of the other, and supposedly accepted the situation. He was really mean to the local one too, and dubbed her “Scary Carrie”, because she was clingy and did “annoying” things like make him lunch to bring to work.
Dandy moaned about Scary Carrie a lot. One afternoon at work, while he was complaining about Scary Carrie, this father came in with a little kid. He was a boy about 3. The little boy heard Dandy talking about “Scary Carrie” and started running around the store chanting “Scary Carrie! Scary Carrie!” Except he couldn’t say his “R’s” and it came came out as “Scawwie Cawwie! Scawwie Cawwie!”
It was pretty hilarious at the time.
Whether Scary Carrie was as frightening as this dinosaur remains unknown.
I mean, this dinosaur is so scary, he took the dude’s gun away and the dude took off. That’s scary.
Blank discs are so cheap, and musical tastes so fleeting today, that I wonder if anybody but me still has the first mix CD they ever burned?
I’m hoping some of you have, and I’m hoping to hear it about from you too. My first disc was made in early 2001 when we got our first burner. It was made for a very specific purpose.
At the store, there was an informal rule that if you were closing one day and opening the next, it was “OK” to borrow a movie overnight, watch and return it. So if that was true for movies, why not a CD? Why not a dozen? A few nights after having the CD burner installed, I borrowed a bag full of discs and burned this compilation on a Maxell CD-R 650. 74 minutes! Up to 16x certified!
I returned the discs the next day, all albums that I wanted one or two songs from, but not the whole album. Many were soundtracks and tribute albums. I ended up buying The Strokes’ album a few weeks later, an ill-advised purchase that yielded only two or three listens. I don’t have that one anymore. But I still have my mix CD with “Last Nite”!
The Robbie Williams + Queen track is taken from the soundtrack to A Knight’s Tale. I shall maintain the anonymity of the store employee who had the crush on Heath Ledger and inundated us with this soundtrack. The same disc also yielded “I Want to Take You Higher” by Sly and the Family Stone.
Track 3 is an industrial-rock hybrid tune called “Violent New Breed”. I later purchased the Violent New Breed album by Shotgun Messiah. Industrial rock fans will know that Messiah’s original bassist/singer was Tim Tim, aka Tim Sköld of KMFDM, Marilyn Manson, and his eponymous band. I liked the title track enough to later buy the album and the prior one too. Both were keepers.
I’ve been a Goo Goo Dolls fan for a while so I thought I would grab their INXS cover “Don’t Change” from an Ace Ventura soundtrack. Their cover of “Bitch” came from the 1993 No Alternative compilation album.
Apparently I was on a Warrior Soul kick at that time as well. Shame that there isn’t a great Warrior Soul compilation album that suits all my needs. I bought and sold their studio albums. As for Michael Jackson, I later decided to add a single disc compilation to my collection, offsetting my burning of “Billie Jean”.
This being a real odds n’ ends disc, it’s not a spellbinding listen today. It’s fun to remind myself of some oddball tracks that I liked enough to burn but not enough to buy. I’m also amused by the title Mix One, the first of many! And I was even doing cover art back then, too. On the cover is myself dressed up as the alien from Part 148: Navigate the Seas of the Sun!
WTF SEARCH TERMS Part I: “Exersises for the Plumber Butt”
Crack = Bad
As a WordPress site, I have access to certain statistics. I can see how many hits I’m getting per day, for example, and how many are unique visitors. Some of my visitors are very, very unique.
Some of the more interesting particulars that I’m able to see are search terms. Search terms that people typed into Google (or Yahoo, or whatever) that led them to me. Search terms that boggle the mind as to a) what they were looking for, b) how it led them to me, or c) both. Here’s a selection of some of the most entertaining. This is just the tip of the iceberg. If feedback is positive I’ll post more in the future.
Keep in mind two things!
1. Each of these are real search terms, typed in by real people on a search engine like Google.
2. Somehow, each of these search terms led them to ME!
In the early 2000’s I was very interested in growing a little bit of a classical music collection. Classical music can be had in reasonably priced but expansive box sets, but I wanted to be a little more discerning. There were some things I knew I wanted to get just based on reputation, such as Niccolò Paganini and Glenn Gould. I knew the CBC had a lot of classical programming so I used to tune into them driving home from work after the night shift.
The first time I did so was a turning point. I heard some music, but I didn’t have a clue what it was. It sounded dramatic and soundtrack-esque to me. I could picture a sprawling epic such as Spartacus unfolding in front of me. It wasn’t until I stopped at the red lights that the announcer came back on the air and told me that the piece I heard was “The Pines of Rome” composed by Ottorino Respighi. Respighi…Italian! My countryman!
I went into work the next morning, and checked the computer for anything by Respighi. Turns out, we had one in stock, a London Records recording of Pines of Rome. It was my first true classical purchase, not counting movie soundtracks. Working at a record store enabled me to cheaply expand into any genre of music I wished. I’m strongly in favour of trying new music, no matter what section of the store you find it in.
OTTORINO RESPIGHI – Pines of Rome / Fountains of Rome / The Birds (1969 Decca / London)
Reviewing classical music is tough for me because it’s way out of my zone of expertise. All I know is what I like and what sounds good to my ears. This old recording, conducted by István Kertész, fit the bill for me. “The Pines of Rome” is such an incredible piece. Apparently this is considered a “symphonic poem”. In other words, the classical music equivalent of a concept album! It has majestic moments that phase into romantic interludes; scenes, basically. By the end, it is a triumphant anthem worthy of the most awe-inspiring movie soundtrack. You can easily visualize the sun rising over the tall pines; apparently that was the composer’s intention. It works!
“The Birds” starts as jaunty piece, perfect for a fancy dinner or event! What I enjoy about music like this is that it enables me to travel back in time, in my mind. It is easy to place yourself at the hearth of a warm fire, almost 100 years ago. This piece’s different sections attempt to transcribe birdsong into a musical arrangement: doves, hens, nightingale, and the cuckoo. I can’t help it, I like the cuckoo best. It’s whimsical.
“Fountains of Rome” is another symphonic poem, this one beginning at daybreak. The second movement sounds like a summoning, as creatures begin to frolick. The piece paints a picture, allowing the listener to really just sink in.
RECORD STORE TALES Part 190: The Early Bird Drops the Discs
I hated the mornings. What I really hated were people banging on the door to get in before we opened. I don’t know why it bugged me so much. I guess I was just peeved that somebody wanted to cut into my last few moments of unpaid time.
I rarely let people in early. Usually I would go about my business, sometimes I’d let them know I’d be open in 10 minutes, or whatever. My journal records one instance when a fellow didn’t check to see if we were open yet.
Date: 2004/05/19
This one dude was outside the store at 15 minutes before open, trying to get in. The door was locked and when he tried to open it, his bag of CDs fell down to the ground and smashed. He was cursing up a storm out there!
There was a group of kids on the street (Bob, myself, Rob Szabo, and Peter Coulliard) that were competing for a cassette copy of Kiss Alive II. There was only one copy that we knew of in town on cassette. Guys like Bob and Szabo would know that — they were older, had nice bikes, and probably had been checking all over town. The only copy we knew of was at a store called Hi-Way Market.
Other kids on the street such as George and Todd had the album on vinyl, but Bob and myself didn’t really have any decent equipment for playing records at the time. Cassette was portable, it was our primary medium in 1985. In 1985, you didn’t listen to “albums”, you listened to “tapes”. The cassette copy at Hi-Way Market was priced at $12.99. This was more expensive than most, because it was considered a “double album” even though it was still just one tape.
None of us had $12.99 plus tax right then, but Hi-Way Market had this tape we all wanted. Hi-Way Market was a great store. It had old creeky wooden floors. Downstairs were groceries and clothing. Upstairs, the greatest toy store in town. Every Christmas they did a giant Space Lego display. It was incredible. But off to the side of this store, up a narrow staircase, was a little record store. I bought my first Iron Maiden (Live After Death, on vinyl) there. (I think the deciding factor in buying the vinyl of that album was the massive booklet, a rarity in those days.)
Since none of us had the money, Peter Coulliard hid the copy of Alive II behind something else in the store. Something where no Kiss fan would ever look for it. Probably behind Duran Duran or Michael Jackson. This enabled Peter to have the edge when he finally did gather the necessary funds, thus edging Bob, Szabo and I out in the battle for Alive II.
1999:
These two kids kept coming into the store that were fascinated by my copy of Kiss’ Carnival of Souls. These were young kids…well, about the same age as Bob, Peter and I were back when we pulled this stuff. They did not have the $10.99 ($12.64 with tax) to purchase Carnival of Souls. We didn’t have the only copy they could find, but we did have the cheapest one. The mall stores were asking at least $20 for new copies.
So these kids came in day after day, week after week, moving Carnival of Souls. They continually got more creative with their hiding places. My job was to make sure the shelves were also straight and orderly, and when you’d find Kiss under Anne Murray, you’d put it back. When bosses found Kiss under Anne Murray they’d give you crap. So, much as I sympathized with the kids’ musical choice, they were grinding my gears as manager.
Finally I got fed up. I sent the CD to Trevor’s store with an explanation of why he had to keep it and sell it there. Then the two kids came in again.
“Hey, umm, do you have Kiss Carnival of Souls?” asked the first one.
“Nope, sold it yesterday,” I lied.
“Awwww…” said the second kid.
It had happened. I had become “the man”! I had lost sight of my old self. Didn’t I pull that “hide the album” stunt myself? In fact, didn’t I do it with GI Joe figures at Hi-Way Market? I did!
In 1994, Garth Brooks issued his 10 million copy selling compilation album, The Hits. On the front cover was an interesting notation: “limited time only”.
Now, I’ve bought discs that were limited edition before and were numbered to prove it. For example I recently picked up #5945 of the “Credo” single by Fish. Even so…that’s a lot of copies out there for a single by Fish. How many copies of a Fish single would be made anyway? And aren’t all singles limited edition? After all, they aren’t going to make more once they’ve run their course, no matter who the artist is. Onto the next thing.
And then of course you have some seriously limited edition items, like that recent Thin Lizzy Live at the BBC box set! I’m not sure how many copies were made, but everybody’s sold out, and now you have to buy it from people asking way too much. Over $250 USD on Amazon right now. Forget it! That is limited edition.
When Garth plastered “limited time only” all over The Hits, it quickly became a joke. We ordered 50 copies of them, and sold most during the first week. We ordered another 50 copies, as Christmas was coming soon. Those sold. We ordered 20 more after Christmas had passed, and continued to order them every week into the new year whenever we sold out. Some limited edition!
10,000,000 people bought it, and I’m sure 99.9% would have bought it without that “limited time” tag. With great pomp and circumstance, Garth then had the master tapes destroyed.
The master tapes to a freakin’ greatest hits album! Who cares?
It was really hard to take the phrase “limited edition” seriously after that. The next release that came out that truly was a limited edition was the Smashing Pumpkins box set The Aeroplane Flies High, but even that enjoyed a second run when the first printing sold out.
So: the lesson here folks is, when it says limited edition, be skeptical! Very few things are, and the ones that really are limited aren’t always advertized as such. Record labels want to make money, right?
Unfortunately, Garth didn’t put this one on his box set!
March 17, 1998. The wait was over – Van Halen 3 was out!
Van Halen’s 3 was kind of like The Phantom Menace for me: I was really excited about it, so much that it clouded my judgement of the music. I wanted new Van Halen so bad I would have taken just about anything I guess. Just like I would take Phantom Menace the following year. T-Rev, always the level-headed one, questioned whether I was enjoying the album more simply because of the absurd money that I had paid for it.
I paid $45 for the “collector’s tin”. I was hoping for bonus tracks, but there was nothing like that. A pick, a tin, some paper stuff, a sticker. It was still pretty cool to look at, and collectible.
I was living with T-Rev at the time. I was and still am very “OCD” about my CD collection. I don’t lend discs out anymore for example. Back then and today I am very fussy about the condition of the album.
A day or two after Van Halen came out, our buddy Neil came by to play N64 and have a beer. I was working the night shift that night, so I didn’t get in until after 9. When I came in, I played some N64 with Neil and headed off to bed.
The next day I woke up and wanted to play the new Van Halen. I grabbed it off my CD tower, and noticed something…not right. A fingerprint! On the tin! I could see it! But it wasn’t mine! Before I filed it, I distinctly remember wiping the tin. It had no fingerprints!
When T-Rev got up I asked him, “Hey, I know you wouldn’t have done it, you know me too well, but did Neil happen to look at my Van Halen 3 yesterday?”
T-Rev grinned and asked how I knew. I explained the fingerprint.
“The funny thing,” said T-Rev, “is that I told Neil you were going to notice if he touched it! He didn’t believe me!”
Trevor assured me that Neil was very careful with it, and didn’t touch the CD itself, etc. etc. We couldn’t help laughing at the fact that I did notice. That’s the OCD! I had a lot invested in that Van Halen disc, emotionally and monetarily.
Listening to it today with fresh ears, it’s not the disaster that some (cough cough Craig Fee cough) think it is. But it’s certainly not worthy of the praise that I gave it back in ’98. If it were an Extreme album, it wouldn’t be the best Extreme album. As a Van Halen album, well…
NEXT TIME ON RECORD STORE TALES…A Day In the Life (VIDEO BLOG!)
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