I’ll admit it with no shame: Sometimes I insert certain phrases into reviews, hoping they will eventually garner some hits from bizarre search terms. I did that this week with my Ozzy Osbourne: Ozzmosis review. Trying to strike while the iron was still hot, I claimed that Rick Wakeman’s organ sound on the album was “bigger than Orlando Bloom’s wang”. This may or may not even be true.
Only a day later, I got my first hit for this. The evidence is below.
I admit I’m getting some smug satisfaction from this. Dicks get clicks. At least if they belong to Orlando Bloom (and therefore, by extension, Katy Perry).
A safely anonymous friend of mine said, “I came across the uncensored versions. Oh my. I never thought twice about Orlando being hot or whatever, but dayum. I guess I just needed a mouth…errr eye opener.” I guess lots of people will be searching for Orlando Bloom’s wang.
Here are nine more search terms from recent weeks, none of them nearly as classy as Orlando Bloom’s wang.
shit hand in shower
shower poop guy
russian milf
www . fuck animals . com
porn mcgangbang
marilyn manson sucking dick pictures
japanporn
guy porn fuck she male real play mp4 down
videos of trailer park aex partes
Thanks for joining us for these fucked-up search terms. Whose wang will it be next month? Who knows?
WTF SEARCH TERMS XXXI: Freddie Mercury’s Mic Stand edition
Gather ’round yon computers and tablets boys and girls, as we once again recount some of the…errr…more amusing search terms that led people here to mikeladano.com. If you’re new, this is a series of bizarre things that people have typed into search engines to get here. And once again, this proves that there are some pretty sick individuals out there! Let’s begin.
The Swedish rock band Europe, and their singer Joey Tempest, have been the source of many bizarre hits from the search terms. This is NOTthe firsttime!
1.joey tempest satanist 2.satanist sign on shert of joey tempest 3.opinion of joey tempest about religion
Not sure why the obsession with Joey Tempest and religion. At all.
Here’s one to warm the heart:
4.avril fuck by bruce dickinson
And I’m sure many people have this question:
5.did freddie mercury masturbate his mic stand
Next up we have Poison. I’m sure Poison had lots of dirty sex back in the day, but this? Who the fuck wants to know? Bobby Dall is, like, the least sexy guy in Poison.
6. bobby dall sex tales
And we round out today’s list with just a bunch of dirty, filthy shit. Literally.
7.trough urinal dick parade 8.film porno women shit and piss 9.boy to boy big cock six part 10.hyenas fucking
Thank you internet! You are the gift that keeps on giving.
WTF SEARCH TERMS XXX: Fenway Park Dicks edition with D
Holy cow! It’s the 30th edition of WTF Search Terms! Please welcome back the talented multi-instrumentalist, the scourge of gamers, the nemesis of Donald Trump’s Youtube supporters, D! D always enjoys the WTF Search Terms — those whacky things that people type into search engines and somehow wind up here. No Joey Tempest search terms made the list this time. Sorry folks, but that’s not D’s fault! Without further adieu, here are D’s 10 favourite recent search terms from the mikeladano.com hit parade, with his commentary!
1.ladano love girl
Clearly the name of Mike’s unreleased debut album that was leaked in 2003.
2.buddies compare dicks urinal
Tell me wherever these urinals are and I will make sure to avoid them. No it has nothing to do with insecurities about my penis size…
3.cocksuckers chicken jacked me
Sounds like the crime spree of stealing chickens is now an epidemic. I can see it now turning into a video game: “CTA: Chicken Theft Auto.” Will it offend politicians, Jack Thompson, and Anita Sarkeesian as much as Grand Theft Auto? Time will tell.
4.fenway park trough urinal where all the dicks hang out
OK now I have one more reason to not be a fucking Red Sox fan. Jesus Christ.
5.deer foot gun rack
A gun rack made entirely of deer feet seems a little useless. I mean, will it actually hold your rifle?
[LeBrain interjects: Yes D, it does hold a rifle. See? Here’s mine.]
6.summersausage.com
My summer sausage is always free. No need to shop online.
7.video porno de ladano
Something you want to tell us Mike?
8.girl gets interestet with wanker on train porno
Just a PSA, huffing paint thinner and using Google is not recommended.
9.sarah e. dunsworth tits
“Tits” sure is an awkward last name, but this is what appears on her birth certificate.
10.gene simmons is a wanker
Gene can’t possibly be a wanker. I doubt his dick has worked in years. That’s the tradeoff for having that tongue. You have to make a trade with the dick fairy to get a tongue that big. What? I thought this was common knowledge?
WTF Search Terms XXIX: Joey Tempest’s Real Hair edition
Good day, eh? Welcome to the latest edition of WTF Search Terms: those whacky things people type into a search engine that somehow lead them here! I find that certain topics go in waves. For example, a popular question often searched for is “Can Marilyn Manson suck his own dick?” (Answer: No.) These things come and go like trends. Nobody will search for Manson’s dick for months, and then suddenly in one week, I’m getting multiple hits for Manson’s wang using different phrasing. Of course, that could still just be one person, trying and clicking in vain that it will be a different site this time….
Lately, Joakim Larsson, better known as Joey Tempest, the lead singer (or not?) of Europe, has popped up in search terms, and in the comments! Remember a few months back, when we were visited by Joey’s supposed spouse, Miranda Larsson? This time, in fact, Joakim himself stopped by to say hello:
Woah!
Before you start kneeling and cawing “We’re not worthy, we’re not worthy!”, let’s have a closer look. Joey apparently uses a Yahoo email address, and according to the IP address, lives in Virginia. His IP address is also an exact match with a previous comment left by “Miranda Larsson”, also living in Virginia. But wait…according to Wikipedia and its source material, “Joey Tempest currently lives in London with his wife Lisa Worthington and sons James Joakim and Jack Johnston Larsson. He does not have any social media pages apart from the official ones for Europe listed on their website.”
Conclusion: Sadly, I do not think the real Joey Tempest has ever had the fortune to stop by here at mikeladano.com. I guess I’ll have to remain content with a bitchy Kenny Hotz comment from a couple years ago.
These recent comments came with a spate of WTF search terms! Seems I’m not the only one wondering about Miranda and Joey and…well…and just see for yourself. Enjoy these Joey (and one for bandmate John Norum) WTFs!
They’re back!…those whacky search terms that prove without a doubt that the internet is one fucked up place. Here are 10 of the funniest search terms that showed up in my stats over the last three months. Yes, that means someone punched these into a search engine and somehow ended up here!
For more posts of this variety, scoot on over to Zack at The Audible Stew’s “Are You Lost?” series!
1. urinal trough wangs out
Here you go, bud. Not quite what you were searching for, but possibly better.
WTF Search Terms XXVII: Joey Tempest Strikes Back edition
Been a long time since I rock and rolled? Hardly! I just rock and rolled last night actually. But it has been a long time since we’ve seen some WTF Search Terms! (The last was in March.) These are the most bizarre of the bizarre search terms that somehow led people to mikeladano.com. Today’s instalment includes a couple for the Dark Lord of the Sith himself: Joey Tempest (you devil, you!) and a fair share of farts.
I think the next person was looking for Joey aka Joakim Larsson as well!
presinor in paradies song
Here ya go, fella! This would actually be the first album with Fake Joey.
Here are some fart and bowel related search terms:
thunder fart piss
how to rip on coworker who is constipated
white lion till death do us fart
faith no more farts
The video where Mike Patton farts into his microphone is called You Fat Bastards: Live at the Brixton Academy. Here ya go, fella!* 20 seconds in. You’re welcome. You’re all welcome!
Here’s an old classic for you. Were you aware that the Boobsy Animation Whore Wearing Glasses Acquired Screwed series was up to Part 7 already?
boobsy animation whores wearing glasses acquire screwed hardcore part 7
The question below is one I have often wondered. Not really a WTF, but a good question. Should they have called the album something else?
why did cinderella release “long cold winter” album in may
In England, it was released in July. Imagine that!
Then, the below search term is a belief I do hold. It’s OK if you don’t but why are you searching for this? Is there one definitive authority who “knows” this? (If so, let it be me?)
Finally, I’d like to close this batch of search terms with a guy who, well, he hasn’t been featured in WTF search terms for a long time. His last appearance was WTF Search Terms XVI, back in February 2014. Please welcome back the founder and bare buttocks of W.A.S.P., Mr. Steven Edward Duren aka Blackie Lawless!
biggest ass in leather
black lawless is an arse hole
Thank you, goodnight!
* Yes I made the assumption that the searcher was male. Because farts.
The world of Rock and Roll fandom is filled with many varieties: The Uber Fan who owns everything, the Casual Fan who owns what they want, and the Obsessed Fan. They have a complete set of Tico Torres’ toe nails, and a collection of restraining orders against them. These are just some examples. There are many more fan types, across every genre of music. While I’m usually more interested in the collections of the Uber Fan, sometimes the Obsessed can provide hours of entertaining befuddlement.
Based on limited exposure to one of these categories, we at LeBrain HQ have scientifically determined that the rock band Europe have an inordinate amount of Obsessed Fans. What it is specifically that attracts them to the authors of “Let the Good Times Rock” and “Cherokee”, Trump only knows. But there is a particularly vehement subsect of the obsessed focusing specifically on their lead singer Joey Tempest, aka Rolf Magnus Joakim Larsson (he of the well-coifed head). We have first-hand evidence of this, presented below.
Our first encounter with an Obsessed Tempest Fan came with someone called “Carieann”, in June. “Carieann” insisted that Joey Tempest was not really Joey Tempest. An excerpt from her lengthy comment:
“This is for all those who say that the band Europe is still great or that still make great albums – STOP writing such a shocking nonsenses and stupidities!! All last albums are false and absolutely horrible and this fake band has nothing in common with the real group Europe from the 80’s, now they make fake records, fake and lifeless music without a soul, fake “shows”, all is fake and false and that’s because since the middle of 1989 the real Joey Tempest is not in this band and Joey was truly the only one who has made this group huge with his talents, awesomeness and uniqueness!! And since 26 years there’s such a horrible imposter and liar in this “group”, that’s not the real Joey Tempest!! The real Joey Tempest had to leave the group because of this horrible liar!! It’s so obvious and so clear to see that it’s just someone different (unless you’re blind and deaf, like bunch of ignorants).”
OK, then. But things took on a religious slant:
“This horrid demon also released solo albums under the name of Joey, still insolently pretending to be Joey Tempest!!! And this disgusting, hideous and rude imposter has nothing in common with the real Joey Tempest, Europe’s vocalist in 1982-1989, not only his looks and sound of voice are completely different but also behaviour, eyes, facial features, personality and absolutely everything!! And the excuse that it could be because the years have passed, it’s just such a stupid and lame excuse!!! This is just a totally different person!! It’s not even a person, he acts like some kind of a devil!! He isn’t even real Joey’ Tempest’s look-alike and never, ever will be like Joey!!! […] There’s not even comparison between him and the real Joey Tempest!! This demonic devil only cares about himself, this whole falsity and not about the “fans”, his main and the only goal is to make fools of as many people as possible to still gain more and more as long as it’s possible undeservedly and you all brainless idiots still help him to do this!!!”
Even though we are all “brainless idiots”, some Googling revealed that “Carieann” had been dumping steaming piles of this conspiracytheory all over the web since 2014.
Always looking to prod the grizzly, we posted a parody of a Europe review that lampooned “Carieann’s” comments. This parody review was loaded with over-the-top statements that served to underline just how weird this conspiracy theory is. I wish I came up with all of these statements myself, but it was a collaborative effort, with a Godlike genius of the written word who not only refuses to be identified, but has now hired 24 hour security for his premises. Here are some excerpts from that parody review, which we felt was a fairly obvious pastiche.
“Without Joey’s talent and unique abilities, the band is a lost joke; twisted and sad – imagine, it would be like Deep Purple without Nick Simper – just unthinkable!”
“Joey would NEVER let his hair go flat like that! Wake up people!”
“I have proof written on the back of a beer mat that in 1994 Matt Groening was forced to rewrite a Futurama episode that obliquely referenced the scandal. “
The article was credited to author “Jesse A. Jones” (a portmanteau of noted conspiracy theorists Jesse Ventura and Alex Jones), who is “Professor Emeritus of Applied Conspiracy at the University of Punkeydoodles Corners and author of ‘Paul is Dead: The Amazing Beatles Conspiracy’, ‘Lennon Lives! Why John Isn’t Dead’ and ‘George! Satan’s Favourite Beatle’.” Not to put too fine a point on it, but we felt this was a pretty obvious joke, especially with credits like those.
All a bit of an innocent giggle; some harmless fun, yes? Not where the Obsessed Tempest Fans come in! Several weeks after posting, this parody review was hit with comments from…Joey Tempest’s wife “Miranda” and her friends “Billy” and “Doreen”?! What is this?! More disgruntled minor celeb encounters to add to my collection?
At first, I took it all at face value, until I actually looked into Joey’s marital status, which was when it all got a little bit strange. All sources state that his wife is named Lisa Worthington, not “Miranda Larrson”. In fact a little digging revealed even more: accusations that “Miranda” had been making the rounds online “claiming” to be Joey’s wife. Then I found a slew of Youtube videos by Miranda: low quality “duets”with Europe songs straight from the album, claiming to be by “Joey and Miranda”.
Come on; we’ve all done it, haven’t we? I once spent the whole summer of ’90 pretending to be married to Lita Ford.
Read the whole thing unfolding for yourself. Follow the links below directly for the best comments by Miranda and her friends, “Billy Low” and “All-Caps Doreen” (aka “Caps-Lock Doreen”). If you’d rather read the whole thing from start to finish, then hit up the first comment from “Doreen” for the beginning of this…discussion. (?) Make a coffee, sit down and enjoy!
After intensive study (at the University of Google), we have concluded that not only does Joey Tempest have at least one fan who think he’s not really Joey Tempest (a mind-boggler in itself), but he also boasts deluded followers who think he’s married to them! At the very best, even if we took Miranda’s claims purely at face value, and assumed she is indeed the new Mrs. Larrson, then Joey Tempest has friends who have serious problems with reading and comprehension. The entire thing just went completely over their heads. That’s the best-case scenario here. That is the sunniest possible outlook.
The life of a rock star! We only see the glamorous side, but then you have this dark side dealing with obsession. Or, as the great man (the real Joey, I mean) sang on “Love Chaser”:
Someone’s at your door tonight, Someone wants your love, Is it real or just imagination?
(Posted from our secret underground bunker, Nunavut Canada.)
For Tommy Morais’ excellent 4/5 star review of this album,click here, and to skip directly to the comment that started it all,click here!
GUEST REVIEW by academic and rock fan “Jesse A. Jones”*
EUROPE – War of Kings (2015 UDR)
The Swedish rock band Europe stormed onto the charts in the mid 1980’s with uplifting keyboard oriented pop rock, written by singer and founder Joey Tempest, a golden fluffy-haired gifted soul. Then their slide down the charts began. Albums like Out of This World sold fewer and fewer copies and the band finally broke up in the early 90’s, amid rumours that even their own mothers now preferred The Hives.
Unfortunately for fans and the band, these would be the last great albums Europe would make! The fact that mainstream rock magazines still praise Europe is shocking nonsense. It’s hard to believe anyone buys that stupidity! There has not been a real “Europe” in 26 years! It’s a conspiracy involving many producers, record label execs, musicians, writers, FIFA and the worldwide media cartel as a whole. The Bilberbergers know but say nothing, while the Rothschilds remain silent. I have proof written on the back of a beer mat that in 1994 Matt Groening was forced to rewrite a Futurama episode that obliquely referenced the scandal. Shadowy elements of the secret world government have stifled independent thought and critical opinions, ensuring we will all remain unquestioning and loyal, to both our governments and rock bands alike!
Well, ladies and gentlemen it is my sworn duty to tell you the truth and I will not be silenced, or my integrity bought for 30 pieces of record company silver!
The problem is the Europe of today has nothing in common with the real group Europe that topped the charts in 1987. Literally. Committing a conspiracy of great scale, they have been secretly and knowingly touring with an imposter singer since 1989! Their last horrible and fake albums (lifeless and without soul) were not written by the real Joey Tempest. Without Joey’s talent and unique abilities, the band is a lost joke; twisted and sad – imagine, it would be like Deep Purple without Nick Simper – just unthinkable!
The truth remains shrouded in mystery. The only details now known, thanks to a covert informant “C.A.”, is that the imposter Joey forced out the real Joey sometime in 1989, using a complex web of lies and half-truths. Plastic surgeons and vocal coaches helped the fake Joey in his goals, and were paid off for their silence, or disappeared. Some say that the real reason that the late celebrity plastic surgeon Dr. Fredric Brandt suffered from depression was keeping this whole thing secret. Then, having successfully replaced Joey without anyone noticing, Europe continued to tour with a new voice and face fronting the band, raking in millions. It is quite remarkable that very few fans have noticed this imposter. “Joey’s” voice changed on 1991’s Prisoner’s in Paradise album but the complicit media have either ignorantly or purposely covered it up. Fans have wondered why Joey’s hair style and hair colour changed on that album, assuming it was just a superficial change. Little did they know that the head and face behind the hair had also changed! Joey would NEVER let his hair go flat like that! Wake up people!
Europe with the imposter have made a semi-successful go of it, edging themselves towards world domination, even placing third in Sweden’s Got Talent in 2013, but for an unknown, sinister purpose. True fans, distinguishable from the herd by their password ‘Cherokee – marching on the trail of tears’, who know and appreciate the talents of the real Joey, have wondered what happened, but no-one listens. As for the fake fans, how could YOU do this to the real Joey? How could YOU not even notice this shadow of a Joey up there on stage singing fake odes to “Carrie”? Shame on the fans, and most of all shame on the band for not stopping this charade 26 years ago!
Just look at the songs here! “Children of the Night”. The real Joey would never have written a song about “children of the night”, “California 405” is the highway that O.J. Simpson was chased down – a definite clue that there was something more going on here than meets the eye! Why would Europe specifically reference that notorious highway unless they were implying some sort of wrongdoing behind the scenes?
Just listen to the song “Praise You” on this album. As if the real Joey would have written “Praise You”! This rude, obscene imposter has terrible lyrics and evil facial expressions. He is a demonic devil from hell who only cares for himself, not the fans and certainly not the spirit of the original Joey – with the voice, face and hair of an angel. The real Joey gave the fans everything he had. His reward was being ousted by an imposter who now receives all the love and praise from ignorant and deceived “fans” who are too stupid to notice the difference. His only goal in this world is to lie and fool as many fans as possible while he laughs raking in the money! No talent, no soul, no voice! That’s the fake Joey right there. Just listen to War Of Kings, it’s as if he and the whole band are actively setting out to destroy the affection of the fans and ruin the legacy of the band as a whole. Well I won’t sit idly by and let this happen! No sir!
Some will say, “Well you are wrong. His hair and voice change with style and age.” No. Look at his eyes. They are not the same eyes, you can see the yawning chasms of hellfire deep in those pupils. Joey tried to warn you what was happening. Read the lyrics to “Stranger on the Track”! Make sense now? Joey was warning you that “danger” was on his back and nobody listened. Joey stood for love and the truth! Long live love! Long live the truth! One day Joey will return and prove this all to be true, with the original angelic voice of Europe!
It is hard though to bear this burden, sometimes even I start to doubt, but then I only have to look down at the words tattooed on my thigh; words of inspiration, words of power, the real Joey’s words and I find the strength to go on, in his name.
Rock now, rock the night
‘Til early in the morning light
Rock now, rock the night
You’d better believe it’s right.
No rating
* Professor Emeritus of Applied Conspiracy at the University of Punkeydoodles Corners and author of ‘Paul Is Dead: The Amazing Beatles Conspiracy’, ‘Lennon Lives! Why John Isn’t Dead’ and ‘George! Satan’s Favorite Beatle’.
WTF Search Terms XXVI: Fan Favourites – D ‘RAGEQUIT’ edition
LeBrain readers may recall D’s experimental instrumental music from a couple reviews that I posted here last year. D wanted to take a guest shot at WTF Search Terms — the bizarre search terms that I sometimes find has brought people here to mikeladano.com. From that heap of puzzlement and filth, D has picked his 10 favourites. Enjoy!
1. gene simmons is a wanker
And a plonker, muppet, and bellend. I enjoy British swear words too!
One of the failed operating systems programmed by Microsoft. Still not as bad as Vista.
4. i would like to hear a song on the cults weapon of choice album
Um, me too I guess. I’m more partial to their record Sonic Temple.
5. porn mcgangbang
The original name for McDonald’s Big Mac. Too bad they changed it, children could have learned some new vocabulary to tell mom and dad!
6. guy porn fuck she male real play mp4 down
Would you like some coffee with your LSD?
7. silent knight porn
The modern twist on an old Christmas classic!
8. Imanokoff
We are all nokoffs friend.
9. swedish made penis
Not interested, I like my Welsh penis just fine.
10. david lee roth in assless chaps
What the fuck is wrong with you man?!?!?! Nobody wants to see that. I’m still recovering from seeing the 2007 reunion concert and watching Diamond Dave balance a top hat on his ding-a-ling!!!! I’m not fucking kidding!!!!!
Thanks D for this disturbing installment of WTF Search Terms! Check out his music at Mixolydian Blog!
Jeez, everyone’s a critic these days! Even critics have critics! Welcome to another installment of WTF Comments. This time I collected comments from readers who had a bone (or two, or three) to pick with my reviews! I realize that sometimes my reviews can be a bit acerbic, but I calls ’em like I sees ’em. Sometimes I can be a bit harsh, but it’s all in fun. It serves me right to have some critics of my own take some shots at me! First up, Bryan did not like my 3.5/5 (70%) review for the Rival Sons. Bryan’s comment was lengthy so I took the liberty of highlighting the parts I like best!
your gimmicky comment is idiotic. They record with real vintage gear because they are trying to create that vibe not for one song, but that’s who they are and frankly I’m glad. So much of what is out now is 150 tracks of productions and tricks that cater to the ADD society who needs a new sound effect coming at them every 10 seconds to keep their attention. Just enjoy the fact that these are guys are setting up a few mics into some of the best gear studios can pull out of the closet and they deliver great songs that they can actually reproduce live with backing tracks…hey, there’s a concept. If you can appreciate that you shouldn’t be reviewing music…you know..music???
also, STOP comparing them to Led Zeppelin just because the drums are open mic’d and there’s space. Go back and read the reviews when Zep was playing…the critics killed them…but somehow now their the greatest thing ever. Have you ever hear them live? I love Zep but Jay Buchanan can hit EVERY note on the album live, Plant couldn’t do that a lot of the time. But I don’t even compare the two, just enjoy the band without having to pigeon hole them. Basically your saying here’s this band, but we don’t really validate them because I heard something similar before. The album has potential…Geez.. the album kicks ass so just get past yourself and get on board. How about this for a review…”Hey everyone, in this day and age of laptops and samples, finally a band just plugs in and records to tape and here it is…enjoy some great rock with soul and vibe and enjoy these guys laying it out there while not pitch correcting and time aligning everything. AND, when you see them live they’ll sound like what you heard on your iPod, how refreshing. Rival Sons should be applauded and you should buy the CD”.
:-)
Thanks, Bryan! I always thought being compared to the mighty Zeppelin was quite a compliment, myself. Then there’s Dave. Dave also does not think much of my writing skills, in regards to Triumph’s 1986 turd The Sport of Kings:
This article is pretty lame. Please do some research before you post stuff like this. Triumph had issue with the producer Ron Nevison. He wanted them to have a hit single and he was trying to craft the songs to be radio friendly. The band had been pretty much cranking out an album a year for the whole decade and touring in between and the record company was demanding more. The band was spent! Some of the songs aren’t as strong as previous outings, but it sounds like you were never much of a fan in the first place. Never be embarrassed about the music you like…whether it’s Triumph, Kenny G or Michael Jackson. I like what I like and i don’t care what anyone else thinks!
Somebody needs to tell Dave that you don’t have to be “much of a fan” to write a music review!
Then lastly, there’s scm. He or she isn’t a person of many words, but smc didn’t think too much of my Man of Steel movie review.
You continue writing articles about what great screen writers & film makers bring son.Man of Steel4.5/5.
For the record: I am not scm’s son! Hope you enjoyed these comments.
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