Sausagefest is an annual all-dude, all-meat, countdown of rock. Five of us from the old Record Store attended! This year, there were 110 songs (75 countdowns plus 35 “tributes”). #1 was Max Webster — “Toronto Tontos”. Other artists who made the countdown included Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, Kiss, Queens of the Stone Age, Tool, Rush, and Tenacious D among others. For the history of this event, check out Record Store Tales Part 30.
Thanks to Jeff Woods and Craig Fee for your contributions — above and beyond the call of duty!
And of course, thanks to Tom our host, and Uncle Meat, Seb and Dr. Dave for the music.
Uncle Meat will be providing me with the full track list. Stay tuned for that post, too!
WTF SEARCH TERMS Part I: “Exersises for the Plumber Butt”
Crack = Bad
As a WordPress site, I have access to certain statistics. I can see how many hits I’m getting per day, for example, and how many are unique visitors. Some of my visitors are very, very unique.
Some of the more interesting particulars that I’m able to see are search terms. Search terms that people typed into Google (or Yahoo, or whatever) that led them to me. Search terms that boggle the mind as to a) what they were looking for, b) how it led them to me, or c) both. Here’s a selection of some of the most entertaining. This is just the tip of the iceberg. If feedback is positive I’ll post more in the future.
Keep in mind two things!
1. Each of these are real search terms, typed in by real people on a search engine like Google.
2. Somehow, each of these search terms led them to ME!
TOM GREEN – Inside & Outside the Box – The Tom Green Show: The Complete Series (2005 VSC)
As longtime LeBrain readers know, I was named King of the 4-O’clock 4-Play by Craig Fee on Dave FM. I won a lot of stuff on that show. One of the best things I won was a pair of tickets to see Tom Green at Crysalids Theatre, 9/22/11 with my best buddy Peter. Tom was great, it was a celebration of the true spirit of stand-up comedy and he stuck around to take photos and sign stuff with everybody afterward. I don’t think Tom Green gets enough respect for being an innovator as a comedian. That’s why I felt inspired enough to write this review.
The most important thing to know about Tom Green: MTV ruined Tom Green! The MTV years, although peppered with some genius sketches such as “Undercutter’s Pizza”, was not at all what the original Tom Green Show was about.
This 3 disc set comprises Tom Green’s entire Comedy Network shows. In other words, the good stuff. The weird stuff. The offensive stuff. The stuff that Jackass ended up ripping off (particularly Bam Margera). Best of all though, this is the pre-fame stuff. Tom Green could still run around downtown Ottawa without people knowing it was for a TV show.
You will see herein:
* Tom throwing all of Glenn Humplik’s clothes out of a plane in an evil double-cross.
* Tom burning Glenn’s shirt.
* Will Ferrell proclaiming that he hates Glenn and wants to punch him.
* Tom turning grape juice into pee (for science)!
* The dead raccoon.
* Tom demonstrating how a bus cannot move if you place your face on the bus.
* Repainting his dad’s car with a huge portrait of two naked women (the “slutmobile”).
* “Scuba Hood”. He robs from the poor (fountains in malls, apparently) and gives to the rich (banks).
* Hanging his painting, “Tiger Zebra”, in the Ottawa Art Gallery, and then defacing it.
* and much, much more….
What you won’t see:
* You won’t see any bums on Swedishes. That’s MTV stuff and not even half as good as this earlier stuff.
What I still like about the Tom Green show is that it is seldom mean spirited. He picks on his friend Glenn a lot, which I can’t help but think that Kenny Hotz ripped off later on. Everything else was done in this pseudo-naive childish fashion, and that is why I can watch The Tom Green Show over a decade later and laugh like the first time I saw it. This DVD for me has rendered obselete all of his old VHS tapes that I collected religiously. That stuff is on here, and it’s as fresh as ever.
What’s Your Poo Telling You? by Josh Richman and Anish Sheth M.D.
Illustrated by Peter Arkle, Chronicle Books, 96 pages
If you’re like me, you probably enjoy a good read while droppin’ a deuce. And if you’re not like me, don’t judge; no, just take a look at all the Uncle John’s reader’s in the humour section of the local bookstore. Who’s laughing now? Uncle John, all the way to the bank!
Obviously, I’m not alone.
A Christmas gift from my lovely wife, Mrs LeBrain, What’s Your Poo Telling You? by Josh Richman and Dr. Anish Sheth, is an informative illustrated reference book. For health purposes. For example, let’s say you encounter the health problem known colloquially as “Log Jam”. Turn to page 62: lack of water and/or dietary fiber cause stool to be too hard to pass. Ahh! I see! Treatment: enemas or…ewwww!…”manual disimpaction”.
Other conditions or events covered in the book include: “Floaters vs. Sinkers”, “Rambo Poo”, “Number Three” (aka “Butt Piss”), the “Streak”, and many more. Each article includes health tips, a biology lesson of the gastrointestinal variety, and many are illustrated.
There are also interesting factual articles to enjoy, such as a page on dinosaur droppings, and one on toilets owned by presidents and royalty.
For even more fun, be sure to check out the sequel, What’s My Pee Telling Me? This helpful tome includes content on farts, pee, and even more poo. New conditions discussed include “Itchy Poo” and “Poonami”.
I strongly recommended one or both of these books to concerned citizens everywhere.
The characters: Me, a guy who looked like Jim Carrey, and his buddy
Taken straight from my journal, here’s the story:
What, is today Stupid Person Day?
This last guy that was just in, I can’t tell if he was for real, or if he was Jim Carrey. Is Jim Carrey tall? Could have been him. This guy was Jim Carrey in The Cable Guy: Same hair, same voice, same mannerisms.
He tried to sell me a Rush CD that had obviously been used as an air hockey puck. And he didn’t understand why I wasn’t going to buy his ruined CD. “You didn’t advertise that you wouldn’t take it scratched!” Well, no, because that much should be obvious.
Jim Carrey left with his buddy, remarking that it was so cold his “balls were frozen”. Yeah! You go, Jim!
I really hope it was just Jim Carrey playing a character for fun, because nobody should be this lame!
I used to work with this guy, Joe. People who know where I worked, they know Joe. And they know Joe is a very, shall we say, unique person. Funny as hell, but there is nobody like Joe. Straight from my journal, here’s the proof. I call this one the Open Door Piss.
Date: 2005/11/26 23:52
So I’m with Joe at work, talking about work or something. The conversation is as follows:
Me – (babbles on about work or something) Joe – Hey, keep talking, follow me though. Me – Where are we going? Joe – Just follow me. Me – OK, ummm, into the bathroom? Joe – No, just stand outside, keep talking though. (I hear him upzip his pants) Me – Are you peeing? Joe – Yeah man! It’s the open door piss! So what was I saying before? Oh yeah…(continues conversation).
Joe’s a pretty interesting guy.
A couple years later, I was having a Rock Band party at my house, during which Uncle Meat also did the Open Door Piss. Must be a Record Store Guy thing?
GEORGE CARLIN – Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics (1990)
This isn’t a music review, but who is more rock n’ roll than George Carlin? This is one of my favourite albums of all time.
George Carlin’s acerbic humour has been classic, relevant and awesome since the 1960’s. I think he got better with age, and regardless of the fact that it’s 22 years old, Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics is just as relevant today as it was in 1990.
Politically correct, this isn’t. In fact the big thing Carlin rants against on this disc is political correctness!
I think spokesman ought to be spokesperson. I think chairman ought to be chairperson. I think mankind ought to be human kind, but they take it too far, they take themselves too seriously, they exaggerate! They want me to call that thing in the street a personholecover. I think that’s taking it a little bit too far. What would you call a lady’s man, a person’s person? That would make a He-man an It-person. Little kids would be afraid of the boogieperson! They’d look up in the sky and see the person in the moon! Guys would say come back here and fight like a person! And we’d all sing “for it’s a jolly good person!” That’s the kind of thing you would hear on Late Night With David Letterperson!
Carlin remains funny, even while being preachy. For example, “Life’s Little Moments”:
You and your fiancé have been invited to your mom and dad’s house for dinner for the first time. Half way through dinner, your fiancé stands up and says, “I’ll be right back, I gotta take a dump.” There seems to be no really genteel way of announcing publicly a dump. And frankly, I’m not impressed with people who tell me what they’re going to do when they go to the bathroom in the first place. Doesn’t that bother you? People who announce it. “I’ll be right back, I’m going to take a shit!” “Nevermind! Do what you have to do and leave me out of it. And don’t describe it when you come back.” “Boy, you should have seen…” “Nevermind!” “It set off the smoke alarm!” “Nevermind!”
This CD is taken from an old HBO special. Personally, I’ve always kind of preferred an audio version of a comedy show. Sometimes you miss the visuals, but this is how I grew up experiencing comedy. My buddy Peter and I would drive to the cottage with two hours of comedy tapes in the deck. It’s a great way to experience stand up comedy. George Carlin’s well-written and composed comedy is 99% verbal, so it really works perfectly on CD.
And that’s the best way I can describe this disc: Well-written and composed. While it still sounds live and spontaneous as stand up comedy should, it’s obvious that George laboured over his words, language and his messages. Language is a big part of this show. Carlin laments the watering down of modern language. When you water down the words we use, you water down the thinking as well. For example, “shell shock”. They used to call it “shell shock” in the First World War. Now, they call it “post-traumatic stress disorder”. More words, but softer, sucking the humanity out of the phrase. Think about. It doesn’t seem to hurt as much, does it? It doesn’t seem as descriptive either. This is one of Carlin’s messages on Parental Advisory.
And his messages are pretty simple: Fuck the establishment! Fuck political correctness! Tell it like it is, stop beating around the bush, and the world would be a better place! All with a wink and a smile. David Lee Roth used to say, “If you wanna send a message, use Western Union.” Well, if a message can be delivered in an entertaining way, I say go for it!
I miss George Carlin. I think the world is a darker place without his humour and his insight.
Good day, eh? This will be the last post before Christmas! LeBrain’s Blog will be taking a rare break for Christmas. We’ll be back soon, so don’t worry eh?
I would like to wish all of you a Merry Christmas and happy holiday whether you celebrate it or not, but most importantly a safe holiday. Be careful on those roads.
And now for Christmas, I leave you with a very special review. Enjoy!
BOB & DOUG McKENZIE – Great White North (1981)
Cooooo, loo coo coo, coo coo coo coo!
Merry Christmas, eh? All Canadians (aka, “Hosers” for my international readers) celebrate Christmas every year with the classic tune, “Twelve Days of Christmas” by our national treasures, Bob & Doug McKenzie. A sample lyric?
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!,
4 pounds of back bacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and a beer, in a tree.
Twisted Sister, eat your hearts out. This is the best version (ever!) of this Christmas classic. All Hosers should know the words off by heart, just as well as they know “Oh Canada”.
This Christmas classic can be found on Bob & Doug’s album, Great White North. A spin-off from their successful SCTV segment, Kanadian Korner, it wasn’t long before somebody at Anthem records thought the boys should make an album, eh? Basically half an hour of rambling about back bacon, smokes, donuts and beer, it’s not much of an album. Bummer. It doesn’t sound like it was scripted. It’s hard to stay tuned in for the entire length, although it did somehow go to #1 in Canada. Much of the album is taken up by welcoming to the listener to different segments, and the boys fighting over what in fact they should be talking about.
One of the funnier segments is regarding “Elron McKenzie” and his church. The sermon that day was about not killing bugs. The sermon was a big success, even though people had to drive through 8 feet of snow, eh.
Disappointing was “Black Hole” which features a backwards message. Using the magic of Audacity, I did play the segment backwards. I was hoping for something a little more mindblowing, like a recipe for the perfect donut or back bacon sandwich, but no such luck.
All of this is offset not only by the Christmas tune, but perhaps one of the greatest songs in Canadian history: “Take Off”.
“Take Off” features lead vocals by Geddy Lee, of Canada’s Rush. Geddy did the single for the princely sum of ten bucks. This song is not only a must for all Hosers, but all Rush fans worldwide. The incredible lead vocal may blow your speakers. As Geddy himself says on the track, “I’m a professional, eh?”
TRAILER PARK BOYS Xmas Special (Conky Puppet, Dope and Liquor Editions)
Upon first release in 2004, I bought the Trailer Park Boys Xmas Special. It was a compulsory purchase. This excellent show, one of the funniest on TV, had yet to issue the special as a part of a box set. Plus it came with a Conky puppet! Fans of the show know Conky to be the evil but hilarious puppet who has a tendency to take over Bubbles’ brain. Surely, “Conky” is one of the two best episodes of the show. The other would be “Closer to the Heart” featuring Alex Lifeson.
See the video to check out LeBrain’s Conky puppet!
I remember Tom used to put the Conky puppet on top of his Christmas tree!
Then, in 2006, I found the reissued “Dope and Liquor Edition” at a store for $5, and re-bought it, even though I already own the version that came with the Conky puppet. Why?
1. Because I’m crazy like that and I love TPB.
2. Because it was cheap enough to warrant the second purchase.
3. Because the previously unreleased (on DVD) “Trailer Park Boys 101” special as hosted by Alex Lifeson was worth it to me.
This double-length episode (actually titled, “Dear Santa Claus, Go Fuck Yourself”) on its own is one of the best the series ever produced. Taking place in 1997, well before the fictional adventures of Ricky, Julian, and Bubbles were documented, this episode reveals a lot of Trailer Park Boys backstory and delivers a lot of laughs.
Ricky is bailed out of jail on Christmas Eve to help Julian with his present stealing racket. Ricky’s unhappy because Christmas is the best time to be in jail (“12 days of partying,” Ricky says). It doesn’t take long for Mr. Lahey to get wise to the theft scheme, and with his new friend Randall in tow, he promptly gets back on the liquor. In the meantime, sidekicks Jamie and Tyrone discover rap music and marijuana, while Ricky and Julian use “nerds” Corey and Trevor to help steal Christmas trees.
Some of the funniest dialogue in the show’s history was right here in the Christmas special. Ricky mistaking God for Santa Claus is priceless (if you’re not offended).
Ricky: Dad, I write letters every year, you know that. I mean, I’m sending a letter off to the big guy tomorrow. So, it’s taken care of. Done. No problem.
Ray: Huh?
Ricky: The letters… You and Mom got me to write them every year at Christmas. I’m sending one off tomorrow again.
Ray: To Santa Claus, Rick?!
Ricky: Yeah, the big guy.
Bubbles: The big guy?! The big guy? That’s God, Ricky.
Ricky: Yeah, God. That’s what I said. Santa.
Ray: Ricky, come on, you know Santa and God aren’t the same guy, right?
Ricky: Dad, you didn’t know that? I mean, think about it! How would he get around the world in one night? Of course he’s the same person. Right, Bubs?
Bubbles: No, Ricky. Santa and God, that’s two different things.
Ricky: What? Oh my fuck! You know, I did maybe think that I fucked that up. I wasn’t sure, and I didn’t want to say anything just in case Santa was God. Like, it would obviously, probably, wouldn’t it piss him off that I got that mixed up like that?
By the time you get to his big speech at the end, (“Christmas is about getting drunk and stoned with your family!”) you’ll be howling.
Like I said, this is hilarious if you’re not easily offended. If you are, I would advise you to stay far away from everything Trailer Park Boys. If you enjoy well delivered, largely improvised dialogue performed by the east coast’s favourites, then dig in for some Christmas dinner.
The special features here are the typical TPB fare. Alternate takes, extended takes, bloopers, and so on abound, making this worth your coin. As I mentioned before, to make up for the lack of the Conky puppet, the Dope and Liquor Edition has the Alex Lifeson documentary. As a Rush and TPB fan, this was worth the re-buy for me. You also get a preview for the first TPB movie, although this is well out of date now.
Merry Christmas, make sure mom is nowhere around when you watch this!
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