First timer but long time fester FRANK drops his lists of awesome. Who is Frank? He is the Sausagefest Man of Mystery. All we really know about Frank is that he pays his rock and roll taxes on time every time. Here’s his best of 2017, and just because the rest of us did albums, Frank brings his best songs and movies.
His only commentary: “After doing this list I realised I need to stop watching so many kids movies.”
I can’t believe that it’s been another year and I have to do one of these things again. Where does the time go? Right into the shitter, apparently.
Anywho, where was I?
Not a great year, but not a terrible one, either (musically speaking). Since I’ve become something of a “standard bearer” for LeBrain, flying the dirty, blood-stained banner of METAL year after year, it should not be surprising that most of my list is metallic. I tend to gravitate towards that, though I could mention things non-metallic (Stranger Things, Godless, Big Mouth) that are not musical but which would feature in my yearly “best-of” if I did not choose to restrict myself to my top-10 musical releases of the year. And, for the record, I do like things that are not metal. Just…not so much these days. And that’s not really my fault. So…
10 – Power Trip – Nightmare Logic
Old-school thrash that is direct and catchy. The speed and double-bass assault is kept to a minimum, so the emphasis is on the mid-tempo swagger and the down-picked chug. Totally convincing without sounding like a nostalgia act (I hate that). There are parts that recall Slayer (the sudden accelerations) and Exodus (the tricky rhythmic shifts in some of the riffs), but, by and large, it doesn’t sound completely derivative of any particular band. Nicely done! (Question: how long are we going to have to wait, with Trump’s America, for some obscene country-rap duo named “Buy and Large” to break big? Don’t tell me you can’t imagine it. I know you can. And that is SAD!).
Song Selection: “Executioner’s Tax: (Swinging the Axe)”
9 – Paradise Lost – Medusa
So apparently there is a Halifax in England as well as in New Scotland (Latin is for jerks, word to your mother). And judging by the output of that town’s most notable musical export, it must be a really, really, REALLY gloomy place. Paradise Lost has been one of metal’s most unsung bands since the late 80s (check out Draconian Times if you think I’m fooling – that shit’s killer). They’ve made some dizzying left turns in that time, but they’ve mostly returned to their roots, which is a hybrid of doom and death metal. They’ve released better albums than Medusa in the past ten or twelve years, but I just have to include this on principle.
Song Selection: anything really, it’s all pretty much the same.
8 – The Necromancers – Servants of the Salem Girl
Props to Mr. Morwood for drawing my attention to this French outfit who present as a less-polished, more sprawling Ghost, filtered through some Fu Manchu and a host of other stoner/70s humping outfits. They even have a BOC feel, like in the opening track, which has a chorus reminiscent of “Astronomy.” And then, at 3:50, they bust out a runaway freight-train of a riff that recalls the finest moments of Porcupine Tree’s “Fear of a Blank Planet.” And delicious solos to boot! A band to watch as they grow and better digest their influences.
Song selection: “Salem Girl, Part 1”
7 – Akercocke – Renaissance in Extremis
Back in the 90s, these sincere (and snazzily-dressed) English Satanists combined death, black, and progressive metal in a manner that veered from the unsettling to the undeniable (Words That Go Unspoken, Deeds That Go Undone will always be their opus). In 2017, they came roaring back after a long hiatus, and though they left the Brooks Brothers’ suits behind them, they are still a complex and scary proposition. Hail Satan!
Song selection: “Disappear”
6 – The Obsessed – Sacred
Thankfully, I have seen Wino perform at least once. It was in Philly, at the North Star Bar, for one of Spirit Caravan’s last live performances. The man is a legend – as close as any American comes to Lemmy, and he can basically do no wrong. Revivifying The Obsessed – a band that should have become major in the late-80s/early-90s – is as good a way as any to reassert himself. Nothing fancy here, just dirty and crusty heavy rock, done right.
Song Selection:
5 – Mogwai – Every Country’s Sun
Ah, Mogwai. Glaswegian post-rock titans. The only live band I’ve ever seen that was louder than Mogwai was Motorhead. That…was a while ago. Nowadays, Mogwai have three basic templates: the poppy/happy Mogwai, the ambient Mogwai (which has seen them become a very-much-in-demand soundtrack band), and the crushing, guitars-up-to-twelve band that I originally fell in love with. They don’t really start cranking it up until the second half of this album, but for “Old Poisons” alone this is easily a top-ten release for me. Their melodic turns often come from left field, but that’s part of the charm. Nobody else does this shit better.
Song selection: “Old Poisons”
4 – Wolves in the Throne Room – Thrice-Woven
I’m not, nor ever will be, a “black metal” purist or “troo kvltist.” I’m pretty sure many of those a-holes will slag this album with their last dying, frosty breath, but I don’t give a corpse-painted shit. After the demise of Agalloch, WiiTR stand alone atop the Cascadian Black Metal heap (that’s black metal from America’s Pacific Northwest for you noobs). After taking a whole lot of shit for their last album, in which they apparently let their ambient/experimental instincts take over (I’m afraid to listen to it, frankly), WiiTR have come back with an album that could stand as a “how-to” or “Idiot’s Guide” for composing black metal riffs and melodies. Each song has it’s ambient/atmospheric passages, but the riffs themselves are almost parodically perfect. The production is both modern and inviting; while “classic” black metal albums from the 90s sound like they were recorded in an over-turned dumpster, the sounds here are warm – the drums are thunderous yet precise, and the guitars are perfectly balanced between the biting and the enveloping. This is THE record that could get any sane, functioning metalhead into black metal. It’s great. Fuck off and give it a listen. And if you let the raspy vocals put you off then you are weak, and you are why the world has gone to shite.
Song Selection:
3 – Mastodon – Emperor of Sand
Ho-hum. Another year, another Mastodon album in my top-10, as should be expected. “But they’re popuuular! They’re mainstreeeeeeem! They suck now!” Yeah, you know what? Go shit in your hat.
Song Selection: “Steambreather”
2 – Elder – Reflections of a Floating World
More of a #1b than an actual #2, this is the left hook to the next album’s right cross that made 2017 the year of progressive doom for me. Sumptuous, sprawling without being indulgent, sensitive yet strong, progressive without being a wankfest…holy shit, I can’t believe these guys are from Boston! Somehow it all hangs together in an entirely organic way. The live footage on YouTube of them performing “Sanctuary” is fantastic. Why they are on some obscure German record label is beyond me. Boston’s not that far away, you know. Throw us puckheads a fucking bone and come for a visit, Massholes!
Song Selection: “Sanctuary”
1 – Pallbearer – Heartless
Heartless? I think not. This, like the Elder, has it all – dramatic arrangements, stirring melodies, and riff after riff after riff. Sure, it was kind of a cock-tease when they pre-released “I Saw The End” and it turned out to be the most directly impactful song, and arguably the best several straight minutes on the whole album. But fuck, that’s not just splitting hairs; that’s splitting the hairs on a paramecium. (Or a Porg. Now, really, what’s that deal? I mean, look at them. They’ve got a brain the size of a very small plum. Yet one of them gets to co-pilot a spaceship? Fucking nonsense. Would you let your cat use a blender? Exactly.)
Song Selection: “I Saw The End”
So that’s it. Peace to you all and all your loved ones (unless they’re dicks).
And on a final note: please please please stop using the phrase “it is what it is.” It’s a tautology, and as such it is utterly devoid of any meaningful content. Seriously – just stop. It’s not Zen. It’s not wise. It’s silly. It is a form of cognitive surrender. And do we really need any MORE of that these days?
If you are a Star Wars fan, there is a good chance that you are getting sick of social media right now. No one has done more to ruin the spirit of the holidays than angry Star Wars fanboys. Ever since the release of The Last Jedi on December 18, upset fanboys have been whining non-stop about the newest movie. They have started a petition to have the film re-made by someone else. Like a swarm of constantly moaning mosquitoes, they attack anyone with a positive or even neutral view of the film, using words such as “retarded” or “sheep” to describe those who liked it. It’s like being friends with a Trump fan. You can only take so much before you have to completely unplug.
Well fanboys, this is where you get yours. It’s time for everyone else to strike back. Line up, whiners — it’s go time!
Yes, The Last Jedi is deeply flawed. It’s not nearly bad as The Phantom Menace or Attack of the Clones, but it has problems. Let’s be realistic about this film and avoid crying in our cornflakes. The biggest issue I have with the film is the disregard that Rian Johnson has for the original movies. All Star Wars saga films are supposed to work as one long movie. That means the visual style has to be consistent. Out of nowhere, Rian Johnson introduced slow motion. The Star Wars saga has never bowed to this trend before. The Last Jedi is completely out of step every time this lazy film technique is used to artificially boost drama. Johnson also uses flashbacks like nobody has before in Star Wars. It’s not clear but these might be considered “Force visions”, something that both George Lucas and JJ Abrams used in their movies. Yet the flashbacks and slow motion problems aren’t even the things that the butthurt fanboys are whining about.
The rallying cry of the fanboys is “Disney ruined Luke Skywalker”. This is where we enter spoiler territory.
The Luke Skywalker of The Last Jedi is a broken man. He is haunted by his failure with Ben Solo. He realises what we fans always knew: there is a cycle of conflict between light and dark. Luke claims that a Jedi was “responsible for the training and creation of Darth Vader”. He is referring to his old master Obi-Wan Kenobi. But Luke may shoulder even more responsibility, with his creation of Kylo Ren. We witness the moment it happens. Ben Solo was already beginning to fall to the dark side. Luke sensed this. He peered into Ben’s mind and was shocked to find that he was already horribly corrupted. In a moment of weakness, he ignited his lightsaber to murder his nephew. This is the moment that changed everything: Ben became Kylo Ren, killed some of Luke’s students, and left with the rest. Skywalker’s failure was complete. He retreated to the first Jedi Temple, intending to atone for his mistake by dying there in shame.
Consider this, and ask “did Disney ruin Luke Skywalker”?
I say the answer is “no”. Disney did not ruin Luke Skywalker. If you feel Luke has been ruined, it was the collective authors of the old Star Wars Expanded Universe who did the ruining.
When George Lucas re-launched Star Wars in 1999 with The Phantom Menace, he did it the only way he could: with his own original story, not some re-hashed source material written in a novel by a third party. Therefore we never had to endure some obscure adventure of Yoda aboard his Jedi ship Chu’unthor. Why would Lucas want to copy a book he never read? Of course he wouldn’t. For better or for worse, he mostly ignored the books and wrote his own stories. The only detail he took from the books was the Republic capitol city of Coruscant, which was actually ripped off from Isaac Asimov in the first place. In his Foundation and Empire novels (a huge influence on Star Wars), Asimov described the capitol world of Trantor, a city-planet much like Coruscant. “As the centre of the Imperial Government for unbroken hundreds of generations and located, as it was, toward the central regions of the Galaxy among the most densely populated and industrially advanced worlds of the system, it could scarcely help being the densest and richest clot of humanity the Race had ever seen.” Since Lucas has always drawn from the wide palette of classic science fiction, it makes sense for an element like Coruscant be retained from the books.
The post-Return of the Jedi era of Star Wars has already been explored ad-nauseum in books, comics and video games. Luke had a wife named Mara Jade. He ran a Jedi school. Han and Leia had three Jedi kids. They had many many adventures battling the Imperial Remnant, Force witches, a cloned Emperor (twice!), a cloned Luke (named Luuke), and dozens of previously unknown darksiders.
Just like Lucas wrote his own original prequel stories, there was no way that fans should have expected Disney to recycle old material from novels. Not for something as important as Star Wars. It’s fine to do that with Marvel comics, but Star Wars doesn’t originate in books. Therefore, there would be no Mara Jade, no clones, no reheated stories and no baggage.
Any Star Wars fan had plenty of time to enjoy the heroic and sometimes tedious adventures of Luke Skywalker in books over the last 25 years. They started off well enough: Timothy Zahn’s excellent Heir to the Empire trilogy could easily have been a film trilogy, if only made when the actors were younger. Things got dicey after Zahn. Proceed at your own risk. Kevin J. Anderson’s Jedi Academy trilogy was one of the worst. The Black Fleet trilogy by Michael P. Kube-McDowell was good but perhaps a bit too “sci-fi” for Star Wars (and it discussed Luke’s mother long before the prequel trilogy, rendering it obsolete by the movies).
The Star Wars sequel trilogy could never be rehashed from books. It had to be new, and it had to go in unexpected directions. That’s what Rian Johnson tried to do. Instead of the heroic Luke, one we’ve seen swashbuckling in those old books, he gave us something far more shocking: a realistic Luke. Not the legendary Luke, but a human being. Someone who responds like a real, flawed person. What fanboy is to say they “know” Luke best? All they think they know is what they gleaned from the books over the years. It has become their “head canon”, and they stubbornly refuse to let it go. As we’ve discussed, fanboys should have known the movies would have to go in a new direction as they always have. All we really know about Luke is what we have seen on screen. In his very first movie, he was trying to escape from his reality. In The Last Jedi, he’s not that different, as Yoda himself points out. The contradiction between the legend and reality of Luke is one of the most important themes of the movie, and one that Luke and Rey struggle with.
It’s true that Mark Hamill read the script for The Last Jedi and was immediately turned off. Yet he went in there and played the best Luke I’ve ever seen. Ruined Luke? I just don’t see it. All I ever wanted, ever since I was a kid walking out of that theater in 1983, was to see Luke Skywalker become the most powerful Jedi of all time. There is no question that the Luke of The Last Jedi is exactly that. He did things with the Force that we didn’t even know could be done! Fanboys wanted to see Luke do prequel-style lightsaber acrobatics. As if the most powerful Jedi of all time would need a lightsaber? Think back to The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. Did Yoda and the Emperor wield lightsabers in the original trilogy? No. Nor does Luke in the sequel trilogy. Balance. Besides, do you really want to see more somersaulting with laser swords? Didn’t you get enough of that with the prequels? What more could possibly be added to that? They never really topped Darth Maul in The Phantom Menace for lightsaber action.
Let’s move on to another popular fanboy complaint. “Disney is trying to kill Star Wars by killing all the old characters”.
Ludicrous. From Ben Kenobi to Yoda to even Anakin Skywalker himself, Star Wars has a habit of knocking off the heroes. It’s the only way to have any tension. If you know nobody will die, the movie has no weight. Disney is in it to make money. Pissing off whiny fans on purpose probably isn’t in their business strategy. It’s not personal, fanboys. Lucas always said that the sequel trilogy would be about the next generation, with Luke having a “cameo”. It’s kind of annoying that this has to be explained to you.
Next fanboy complaint: “Rey is nobody from nowhere”.
Possibly. We don’t know that for sure. That’s up to JJ Abrams to confirm or deny in Episode IX. But what is the problem with it, if it were true? All we really know is that when darkness rises, so does the light to meet it. Where did Obi-Wan Kenobi come from? Mace Windu? Hell, we don’t even know the name of Yoda’s species let alone where he came from. It is OK if Rey is not related to a past character. Kylo Ren is. He carries the Skywalker blood. If that blood dies with him in Episode IX, wouldn’t that be an appropriate end to the Skywalker saga? It would mean the nine movies tell the complete story of the Skywalker line, from the start to the end. Where is the issue?
Fanboys have similar complaints about Supreme Leader Snoke. It’s unlikely we’ll learn anything more about him, leaving him as one of those dangling threads. It would have been pretty cool to find out more about him, but it turns out he was just a red herring. Misdirection. And that has fanboys in a rage! Every single fan theory about Snoke was wrong! Fanboys have been hoping to find out that he was a cloned Vader, Emperor, Darth Plagueis or someone from the distant past. Well, he wasn’t, and perhaps he wasn’t even as powerful as fans theorised. This leaves Kylo Ren as the one true villain in the sequel trilogy. Again, this upset all the fanboy theories, who expected Kylo to turn good, and Luke or Rey to go bad.
Without going full fanboy, I’ll put it out there that using Snoke as a red herring was a missed opportunity. Andy Serkis was so good as Snoke in The Last Jedi, it’s a real miss that he didn’t amount to more. Serkis is the one actor who gives Hamill a run for his money. In their effort to thwart the fan theories, perhaps Johnson and Disney blew Snoke. Any backstory to Snoke will likely be left to the realm of comics and books, which is unfortunate. It is unlikely he’ll have anything to do with Episode IX, as there’s a new Supreme Leader in town and his name is Kylo Ren.
The last of the major fanboy complaints is regarding the big Leia scene. Kudos to Rian Johnson for faking out the death of Leia in the movie, as I’m sure many thought she was surely dead. Ejected into space, Leia uses the Force to pull herself back to the ship. This scene takes a number of leaps of faith. One has to assume that the Force “somehow” protected Leia, and kept her alive until she could regain consciousness, all without being able to breath. In the freezing cold, radiation-rich vacuum of space. Well, sure, I guess. There’s nothing in the Star Wars films that excludes this from being possible. It’s just one of the things about this movie that was not good. Also not worth getting all butthurt about. Did you fanboys even see The Phantom Menace? Let me know how it’s possible to take a submarine to a planet’s core.
So now, the butthurt is so intense that fanboys are demanding The Last Jedi be removed from canon and remade. This is more a sign of the times than the quality of the film. Such uproar never happened in 1999. In 2017, spoilt internet warriors are used to getting what they want when they cry. Well, fanboys, you’ll have to learn a lesson they used to teach us back in the day: suck it up, buttercups.
The Last Jedi could have used some work in the editing. Shortening the Leia scene would have made it less outlandish. Cutting the artificial slow motion would have made a huge difference. The opening battle was way too long, featuring a nonsensical segment of fake tension with a new character called Paige. There is a side mission featuring the characters of Finn and Rose (Paige’s sister) that had multiple issues, including a pointless chase scene and a wasted opportunity to spend time in a high-rolling Star Wars casino. Their secret mission doesn’t even impact the outcome of the story. All it really serves to do is find a role for Finn, who otherwise had no story in The Last Jedi.
There’s a lot to be enjoyed with Johnson’s direction. His dialogue is an improvement, but less is often more. Some of the best character moments are performed with no speaking at all. His visual style is stunning (slow motion aside). The big lightsaber battle with Snoke’s red guards is one of the best in the saga. So fluid, so beautiful.
The real issue with the film’s reception has little to do with Finn and Rose. It has everything to do with fans becoming attached to their own theories. Remember what Ben Kenobi said? “Let go”. And Yoda? “Unlearn what you have learned.” That’s not a Deus ex machina, fanboys. You’ve been watching too much Youtube and spending too much time on Reddit. Discussion boards were flooded with talk of the Knights of Ren; a throwaway line from The Force Awakens that fans got attached to. That the Knights did not appear and were not even mentioned in The Last Jedi has fanboys throwing tantrums like we have never seen. Perhaps they’ll show up in IX, but if not, who cares?
Rian Johnson himself warned us about spoiling the movie for ourselves. When the first trailer was released, he wrote on Twitter, “I am legitimately torn. If you want to come in clean, absolutely avoid it.” You should have listened.
Let go, fanboys. Unlearn what you have learned. You’re ruining this for everyone!
I started feeling sick on the 24th. By Christmas Day it was a fully blown flu.
I’ve been running on empty. Driving back and forth from London for cancer doctor appointments, fighting to get an MRI done, Jen’s biopsy, work…the tank has been empty for two weeks. It’s no wonder I got sick. I generally don’t get the flu shot, though it is free and widely available. Last time I got it was in 2006. I got so ill that I swore I’d never get the flu shot again.
On Christmas Day, a couple people in the family made a rude comment behind my back about how I’d better be in a “better mood” by dinner. They thought I couldn’t hear. That was that. Energy = tapped. Why even keep trying. I’ve been in bed ever since. I’m writing this from bed on my laptop. I haven’t been out of bed. I haven’t felt this exhausted in many years.
There will be no Christmas update and we’ll have to see about end-of-year lists. I’m too tired.
I hope your Christmas has been germ and drama-free!
GETTING MORE TALE #623: Rocking Around the Christmas Tree
Traditions change and evolve over the years as families do. I have always been excited about Christmas, going back my youngest days. I would be so excited I couldn’t sleep. Killing the days before Christmas was agonizing. I guess as kids we were a little spoiled.
Spoiled kids became spoiled teens. As I got older, I stopped asking for toys for Christmas. Music replaced them. Most of the time, I would circle titles that I saw in print ads. Stores like A&A Records and even the local Zellers had flyers with new releases and sale items. I remember the winter of 1986, circling two: Helix’s Long Way to Heaven, and Yngwie J. Malmsteen’s Trilogy. I didn’t know much about Yngwie other than a few videos on TV. I circled both and I received both, on cassette. I recall listening to them on a pair of earphones at Grandma’s after Christmas dinner that year.
The following year, 1987, was the year of a couple pretty important albums. That Christmas I received Def Leppard’s Hysteria, and Whitesnake’s 1987. Hysteria quickly became the favourite. Its impact was immediate and that cassette kept me entertained for years. Whitesnake took more time to get into. It didn’t help that the cassette had speed issues. Similarly, the Helix and Yngwie tapes from the year before had the same drag problems that made them hard to listen to. Because of this, many albums that originally had quality problems on tape releases, I didn’t warm up to for many many years. It was hard to enjoy Whitesnake tunes like “Don’t Turn Away” when they were slow and warbly.
When I first began receiving tapes for Christmas, the mid-80s, we had a pretty routine Christmas schedule. There was no variation from year to year. We have a small family compared to others. Our celebrations always began on the 24th. My mom and dad would spend the morning preparing food and cleaning. My sister and I would be pains in the asses. Then my aunt and uncle from Stratford would come over around 2:00 and we’d exchange first gifts. My aunt and uncle always brought fun gifts. They would never, ever buy clothes for Christmas unless it was something we asked for. No socks, no undies, no shirts, no pants. Fun gifts only! Sometimes guitar strings, games, and sheet music. There would always be at least one tape for each of us.
After gifts were opened, my sister and I would go upstairs and play our new tapes. Sometimes, we’d have something a little bigger: a video tape. In 1991, my aunt and uncle gave me Faith No More’s You Fat Bastards. They had access to a cool store in Stratford that would special order anything. As my needs evolved, my aunt and uncle would typically buy me hard-to-find items. The Faith No More video was one such special order. That year, I ran downstairs to the spare VCR and fired up the live video. My other uncle came down to watch with me, but didn’t care too much for their cover of “War Pigs”. Admittedly, it’s pretty different.
The traditions didn’t change much as we got older. In the 90s, my buddy Peter would come over for Christmas Eve. And, my sister discovered wine. One of her rituals now is drinking her wine out of her special cup which we have dubbed the “Holy Grail”, due to its perceived similarity to the one that appeared in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Usually, before she takes a sip, I make her say the line, “It certainly is the cup of the King of Kings…”
Our Christmas Eve dinner, which is my favourite, has remained unchanged in over 30 years. We do a beef, chicken and veggie fondue. We’ve only had a couple of injuries over the years, but table cloths were frequently destroyed. Today, my sister does the Christmas Eve entertaining, as my parents have retired from this duty. She’ll always have some Christmas music playing, though not the kind I like. We don’t run to listen to our gifts on headphones anymore. We had to grow up, a little bit.
Christmas Day was also special for us. When we were kids, I’d wake up my sister early in the morning to open presents. Now, we put on our winter boats, coats and hats and drive over, and usually quite late in the morning. More gifts are exchanged, and always more music. It’s interesting to look at the kinds of albums I received then compared to now. Back then, a multi-disc set was a big big deal. Now, a three disc set can be as little as $30, the same price as a double live CD then. I seem to get a lot of deluxe editions and box sets for Christmas now as if it’s no big deal!
My sister and I would exchange gifts, and we always got music for each other. She was really good at filling in gaps of my collections. Artists like Alice Cooper and Whitesnake had large discographies and I had very little. She would look at my tape collection, go to the mall and pick up one of the many I was missing. Whitesnake was an annual gift for several years in a row. This was cool because it was always going to be something I didn’t expect, because my sister didn’t buy this off of some list I made. It always came 100% from her own intuition.
After the parents’ house, we’re still not done. Time to see Grandma! She always makes me laugh. One year she wrote inside a card, “You can use your Christmas money to buy a CD record.” Aww!
There is one Christmas tradition that I don’t particularly enjoy, and it’s a more recent one. We call it the $10 Gift Game. Lots of families do the same thing. Everybody buys a generic gift worth about $10, wraps it, and puts it on a table. Then, everybody draws a number out of a hat. #1 goes first by picking a gift off the table. They then open that gift for everyone to get a look at. #2 goes next. #2 either picks a wrapped gift off the table, or steals the gift opened by #1. If #2 chooses to steal, then #1 must open a new gift. But #2 must remember, their gift can be stolen by #3, #4, #5, and so on.
Each round consists of the next number in line picking a gift from the table or stealing. It gets quite tedious in our family, because my mother really likes to drag things out. She will encourage people to steal, so that the victim must replace their gift by picking or stealing from someone else, and then the next victim must also replace their gift, and on and on each round goes. At the end of the game people usually just end up swapping to get the gift most suited to their needs. For example, my mother or sister always end up with the booze. It’s harder to settle on who gets the chocolates.
One year, in protest of the game, my gift was a bag of unwrapped nickles and pennies adding up to exactly $10.*
Yes, I can be a Christmas grump sometimes. As a non-drinking participant, sometimes things can get a little goofy for me. Also, my dad’s level of interest in the game is so minimal that someone basically has to play for him while he does something else! The game definitely has a short shelf-life for me.
We are a bit older today but still try to have fun with Christmas. My sister and I will be giving music to each other, I’m sure, as we have done just about every single year for 30 years. Usually, we will just sit around saying, “Remember that one Christmas when…?”
I sure do. Here is a list of my Top Ten Most Fun Christmas Gifts of All Time.
1978 – Star Wars X-Wing Fighter
1979 – Star Wars Millenium Falcon
1983 – Star Wars Jabba the Hutt playset
1984– GI Joe Killer W.H.A.L.E. Hovercraft
1985 – My first dual tape deck
1986 – GI Joe Cobra Terrordrome
1987 – The latest by Def Leppard, Whitesnake, Kiss and also Kim Mitchell’s Akimbo Alogo
1989 – My first CD player and my first CDs: Motley Crue – Dr. Feelgood, Whitesnake – Snakebite and Alice Cooper – Trash.
It’s a busy time of year when you have Christmas and birthdays in the same week! I always felt bad for people who have birthdays at this time. They always seem to be overshadowed. So join me in wishing Mrs. LeBrain a happy birthday today! She surely deserves it.
Don’t worry about gifts. All she really wants is for the Leafs to win the cup! (For Christmas or her birthday — either one will do!)
Although this is a music site, because of our current battles I am going to be writing more personal stories within Getting More Tale. I apologise for the lack of music today. Music will always be the main focus but I also have to express myself. Hence: Cancer Chronicles.
GETTING MORE TALE #622: Cancer Chronicles
Health care in Canada is free, but it’s not an easy system to navigate. It can be confusing and scary; there is no instruction manual. You have to be hands-on with your own health care. You have to be on the phone every day asking questions and pushing for answers.
Here we are with the next chapter in Jen’s cancer battle. We needed an MRI (magnetic resonant imaging) done right away. The surgeon in London, who is an excellent doctor by the way, needed the MRI results so he could perform a biopsy. The MRI in Kitchener was booked for Tuesday December 12. We had a meeting at the hospital on the 14th, in preparation for the biopsy on the 18th. It was a tight schedule and we were glad so many things were moving very fast.
Jen showed up for her MRI on the 12th, right on time. She was extremely upset to find out there had been some kind of mistake. Instead of December 12, the MRI was apparently booked for mid-February. This threw everything out of whack. The surgeon couldn’t perform the biopsy without the MRI, and the biopsy was mere days away. A February MRI simply would not do. It would push back Jen’s cancer surgery by two months!
I got a text message and a phone call from Jen, extremely upset about this turn of events. Understandable. Finding out you have cancer is a kick in the shins enough. Having your appointment date screwed up so badly is a whole other punch in the face. We never got a straight answer on how it got messed up, but that wasn’t the issue. The issue was getting it fixed.
The hospital called the house, fortunately, because that’s where I was.
The person on the other end of the phone said “Please tell Jen I got her appointment moved to January.”
I realize that getting appointments pushed ahead is next to impossible. I know she probably moved mountains to get that date. But the fact is, it still wasn’t good enough. We needed the MRI done before the biopsy. Otherwise everything would be delayed.
I told her, “That is not good enough. We need the MRI done by Thursday when we go back to London.”
“I’m sorry sir but I’ve done everything I can. I was just calling to tell Jen that we got a better date, I thought she’d be happy about that,” she said.
“But we have a meeting at the hospital on Thursday! And a biopsy on Monday!”
“I’m sorry sir but this is the very best I can do. There was some kind of miscommunication over this, it’s not my fault. If anyone cancels I’ll call Jen immediately but we are booked solid,” I was told.
I wasn’t happy and it showed.
“Sir, please let me finish,” she said.
“No, you need to listen to what I’m telling you,” I interrupted. “The surgeon is waiting for that MRI, he needs it to do the biopsy. The biopsy is already scheduled. We need to get it done for him before then.”
“I understand what you’re saying,” she told me, “but please don’t be angry with me, it’s not my fault, I have done the best I can do.”
I calmed myself down.
“I’m not angry with you,” I attempted to say in a calmer voice, “and it doesn’t matter whose fault it is. That’s irrelevant. You have to understand that you are now delaying her cancer surgery.”
“That’s not what I’m saying,” she rebutted.
“Well it might not be what you’re saying, but that’s a fact. That’s a fact.” I paused to regain my thoughts. “If the doctor doesn’t get these results until January, he won’t be able to do the biopsy, and that’ll push everything back. That’s a fact.” I couldn’t imagine the surgeon being happy about this.
Finally she seemed to understand the problem. I think before this point, she just assumed I was an upset husband who wanted to get the dates expedited. But I still wasn’t getting any help.
“Then you need to take that up with your doctor,” she said. “I’ve done all I can do.”
I attempted to escalate.
“Then I need to talk to someone who can get us a better date.”
“I’m sorry sir, but that’s just not possible. This is the best date I was given.”
That gave me an opening. “Then I need to talk to the people who gave you that date.”
She paused. “Please hold,” she said with no patience left. I was on hold for two or three minutes.
Suddenly, I was connected with the imaging lab. The person on the other end of the phone was already aware of the situation. She asked me for the name of the surgeon. I asked, “So you are going to try and get her the MRI appointment before the biopsy?” She answered yes and assured us that she would call us back.
Jen arrived home shortly after I got off the phone. She was still incredibly upset. I told her, “It’s OK, don’t worry, I am taking care of it. They are going to call you back, they are going to try and get you a better date.” She started to calm down a little bit, but the truth is, neither of us really thought we’d be able to get a closer date. I know I did the very best, and pushed as hard as I possibly could. However I also know how booked up these places are. Usually for months and months in advance. I gave it my best shot.
An hour or two later the phone rang. To my absolute shock, they told Jen they moved her MRI to the very next day.
I still can’t believe it.
They must have called the surgeon, who assured us that he needed that MRI done right away. And so it was.
When Jen showed up for her MRI the next day, the staff told her “Your husband must love you very much. This never happens.” Well of course I do! But I didn’t do anything special. I did what any husband would have done. The fact that I got results is the only thing that made it special, and I think the surgeon had a lot to do with that. The biopsy was performed on schedule. Results should be in before Christmas. We are still on track. In the new year, she’ll be beating cancer.
I told my dad and co-workers what happened. Every single person said the same thing: “I’ve never heard of anybody being able to get an MRI scheduled for the next day, ever! How did you do it?” Another guy at work assured me, “I come from a family of doctors, so believe me, getting an MRI moved to the next day never happens!”
I felt good. I felt like a total hero. But as long as I’m just a hero to my wife, that is reward enough.
BAD AXE THROWING, 700 Strasburg, Kitchener Ontario
There are few things in life as basic and satisfying as the sound of an axe striking true. Chopping wood was one of those fun chores at the cottage, but we never got to throw an axe. Now, I have.
Axe throwing is, simply put: fun! It’s fun because it’s not something you get to do every day. It’s a physical activity, but one that all types can participate in. Thowing axes is a casual group activity that’s about as competitive as going out bowling. At its core though, axe throwing gives you the thrill of hurling a sharp metal object at a target.
Here’s the thing. I’ve watched enough seasons of The Walking Dead. I know how handy this skill would be in case a zombie apocalypse. Hell, they virtually did an entire episode about Rick Grimes’ axe. Should the zombies come for us all, I will have an advantage over anyone who hasn’t gone axe throwing. When the zombies rise, I’m heading over to Canadian Tire and stuffing as many axes as I can find into my belt.
Once waivers are signed and a few basic rules are gone over, you are free to start throwing. There are throwing cages, set up for two throwers and two targets. Our group had an instructor who showed us the basics. I favoured a two-handed throw. Others chose to throw single-handed, though with less accuracy. It’s so easy! Once you have your form, you can really get on a roll.
After everyone had warmed up, a game began. We were to give insulting names to the other team, and it seems the best they could come up with were “Spice Girls” and “Charlie’s Angels”. Needless to say, I was not involved in the name selection.
I was pleased to have thrown the winning axe in game #1. We barely lost game #2, which involved a tricky target of a small blue dot. To keep things fun, the instructor threw in a few twists. Bonus points were given for the best “battle cry”.
Food and alcohol are welcome, but our pizza delivery guy got lost. The Kitchener Bad Axe Throwing location is not easy to find. Go to the Forest Glen plaza on Strasburg Road, but then you have to drive in behind the No Thrills. Look for the wooden Bad Axe Throwing sign. If you have your windows down, you’ll be able to hear it before you see it — that awesome sound of wood giving way to steel.
We had our group booked for three hours, and after we finished our second game we just took turns having fun. Fun it was! I would do this again. At no time did I find it dangerous, and the instructors are always right there to help. As my visit was organised as a work event, I did not see the final cost. Give Bad Axe a call and check out their website. They have locations in Canada and the Unites States. Throw an axe and have a blast.
Writer/Director Rian Johnson brings his own slant to Star Wars with Episode VIII: The Last Jedi. JJ Abrams played it safely to fans of the Original Trilogy with The Force Awakens, and he did so successfully. He did little to expand the mythos, but Rian Johnson has certainly stepped up in that regard. Some fans are already going apeshit. The old “George Lucas ruined my childhood” has been replaced by “Rian Johnson and Disney have ruined Star Wars”. They’re also upset because just about every single fan theory…was wrong.
Some fans will have difficulty accepting certain revelations about The Last Jedi. There are also stylistic choices that are questionable, such as the return of lens flare, and lazy gimmicky slow motion. Johnson also chose to tell parts of this story by use of flashbacks, something that Lucas generally avoided. These factors, plus the recurring symbolic use of the colour red, make The Last Jedi feel like the odd man out of the saga.
Now, somebody hand Mark Hamill an Academy Award, because he earned it this time. His curmudgeonly older and wiser Luke Skywalker is note-perfect. Some fans have complained that this Luke is not the Luke they hoped for, based on the old Expanded Universe (EU) novels. On the other hand, this previously unseen Luke rocks because it’s completely different from previously told stories, which is what the Sequel Trilogy needs to be. Remember, Lucas never would have followed those old books any way. He never has. Regardless, Hamill has clearly done his best cinematic work in The Last Jedi, fulfilling the wishes of every fan who wanted to see the most powerful Jedi master in the history of the order.
This isn’t really a spoiler, but The Last Jedi does prove that Luke Skywalker has indeed fulfilled his destiny of becoming more powerful than any other.
Don’t worry, fanboys, there is lightsaber action to be seen; and don’t forget the original 1977 Star Wars had very little to start with. Instead of prequel-esque lightsaber stupidity, Johnson gives us a more contemplative Skywalker. The stories of Luke and his new student Rey (Daisy Ridley) are so compelling that other heroes are left by the wayside. Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac), Finn (John Boyega) and newcomer Rose (Kelly Marie Tran) have their own mission on the side, to cripple the evil First Order. Unfortunately, and perhaps just due to the gravity of Luke’s story, these side missions only prolong the wait for more scenes with Luke. Or, Kylo Ren (Adam Driver), the Vader wannabe with the temper of his grandfather. Ren has a strange connection through the Force with Rey, and the two are eventually brought together to face each other again.
The Last Jedi should satisfy some who thought The Force Awakens didn’t acknowledge the Prequel Trilogy enough. There is a reference to Darth Sidious (better known as the Emperor) and the new setting of Canto Bight would fit in with Attack of the Clones. Finn and Rose must find a master hacker in Canto Bight, a posh gambling centre frequented by rich weapons dealers making money off both sides in the war(s). New character DJ (Benecio Del Toro) is sceptical of both sides, because he knows it doesn’t matter. The same people are getting rich no matter what side wins. This is a relatively new concept in Star Wars, although Darth Sidious did control both sides of the Clone Wars, he didn’t do it to get rich.
Poe, Finn and Rose are among those under the command of Princess Leia, still a badass, and so sad knowing that Carrie Fisher has gone. Leia has her own moments in this movie, and we know that she was to be the main focus of Episode IX. Now that Carrie is one with the Force, it is very unfortunate that she didn’t have a larger part of The Last Jedi. She has a few good one-liners, and Carrie portrayed Leia as a strong and immediately charismatic leader. There is also one Leia sequence that has fanboys destroying their action figures in anger.
Also noteworthy: Andy Serkis as Supreme Leader Snoke (via motion capture). Serkis makes Snoke more three-dimensional, and though his scenes are short, they satisfy. Laura Dern’s new character Admiral Holdo was memorable for the scenes she had. Unfortunately, Gwendoline Christie was wasted for a second time as Captain Phasma, in what was little more than a cameo. General Hux (Domnhall Gleeson) does a little better as the token second-in-command.
John Williams did it again with another fantastic score, although even here reviews are mixed. Bass clarinettist and fan Kathryn Ladano was disappointed that there were not many new themes involved. Radio personality Jason Drury on the other hand called the score “possibly the best of 2017” and “another triumph for John Williams”. I was pleased to hear the return of Rey’s theme and a few other favourites from the olden days.
Expect the unexpected with Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Don’t pay too much attention to the extremely negative or extremely positive reviews. The truth is, as always, somewhere in the middle. And that is part of the story of The Last Jedi. The truth depends largely on your point of view. The two other main themes here are hope, and the power of a symbol. If the title wasn’t already used in another movie, you could have called it Episode VIII: A New Hope.
Sunday Chuckle was a new feature in 2017 — just something to read over your morning coffee to make you smile. Would you like to see the Sunday Chuckle return in 2018?
Here in one handy-dandy location are all the 2017 Sunday Chuckles. Some are still funny, some are duds, but here they are! Thanks for reading along this past year.
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